I Want To Do Joy

In a recent online poll on some ridiculous web site, I was asked which current member of THE VIEW I would most like "to do."

I chose Joy Behar.

And while I was not in the majority with my answer, this exchange about Alberto Gonzales from yesterday's episode of THE VIEW shows just why Joy - - to reference a line from THE BREAKFAST CLUB - - "really pumps my nads."


Elisabeth Hasselbeck - "I believe that if the Bush administration wants to retain credibility..."

Joy Behar - "Retain?!? I'm retaining more water than they're retaining credibility!"

Elisabeth - "If they want to retain credibility, he (Bush) would recommend the he (Alberto Gonzales) resign. I think that would be the best thing."

Joy - "When a guy (says) 'I don't recall' 75 times! If that were me, I'd be in Assisted Living now! The guy cannot remember anything! 75 times! At the very least, he might have dementia."

Thank you, Joy.

Now, lay down you hot, funny bitch!!

Him

I just saw Him.

I left the wonderful Hell in a Handbag benefit at The Spot, waited way too long for the Broadway bus, ended a lovely evening with Brooke, walked towards my apartment in the rain and there He was.

The last guy I really thought would be "The One."

He was walking with some guy. He was holding a huge golf umbrella that shielded both of them from the rain.

I was getting drenched.

As I walked past them, they stopped talking. I didn't know it was Him till I was right beside Him.

It all came flooding back.

I spent years dating the most horrific man on the planet, spent more years in therapy dealing with what that man did to me and then I met Him at a party on New Year's Eve.

We rang in 2006 with our first kiss. The perfect way to start a year.

We had three incredible dates. Dates where all we did was laugh. Dates where our hands instinctively moved towards each other as if we had been holding hands for centuries.

And then, after celebrating my birthday with my friends, He never called me again.

And He never had the guts or the decency to tell me why He didn't want to see me again.

He just left.

That was over a year ago.

And I haven't been on a date since.

My therapist told me a long time ago that when I got mentally healthy, the dating pool would get smaller and smaller.

I understand that. I accept that. And I don't want to date someone just for the sake of "dating."

But I really thought He was one of "The Ones."

But He wasn't.

And no matter how much I enjoy my time by myself, I am becoming lonely.

Seeing Him again makes that loneliness palpable.

Oh well.

"Who Are You Wearing?"

Well, Joan and Melissa Rivers may have lost yet another spot on Hollywood's Red Carpet (damn you TV Guide Channel!!!), but yesterday on THE VIEW, Joan promised that she will be on the Red Carpet with her daughter - - never fear!!!


And speaking of those Joan and Melissa Red Carpet interviews, Joan had this to say...

"Can you imagine? My daughter and I can stand there and criticize every single woman that goes through. It's like the gay son I never had."

Auntie Joan. Gotta love her.

The Super-Duper Friends

There are others like me.

People who combine their love of comic book legends with the politics of today.

And I love the combination they have created...

THE CHALLENGE OF THE SUPER-DUPER FRIENDS

The Evil-Doers!

Petro-Man
(George W. Bush)

Doctor Spin
(Karl Rove)

9 Lives
(Condoleeza Rice)

and the enigmatically named
"$"
(Dick Chenney).

They have banded together to control the universe. All seems lost!

But fear not, gentle reader!

Enter The Super-Duper Friends!!

Captain United
(Barack Obama)

The Green Solution
(Al Gore)

The Arbitrator
(John Edwards)

Reform-Girl
(Hillary Clinton)

With their combined power, evil will not prevail!

Huge congratulations goes out to the folks who put this together! Check out their site for a full run-down on the characters, their powers, their weaknesses and their history.

Best of all, here is the video showing our heroes in action!

Remind anyone else of Saturday morning in the 70's?





Beware evil-doers! The Super-Duper Friends are here!

Bill Moyers Journal

Last Sunday, I said, "If you are not watching REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER every single Friday night... you're missing something truly remarkable..."

I also highly recommend watching THE VIEW every day. (Yes, that's a pretty faggy thing to say, but go with me.) What Rosie O'Donnell is accomplishing on THE VIEW is amazing. The "Point / Counterpoint" she has with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on this little morning talk show is providing a ton of information to thousands of people every day and is also encouraging intelligent debate.

Although, as I compare Rosie and Elisabeth to the old SNL "Point / Counterpoint" skit, I have to say that I would love it if just once, the "intelligent debate" devolved into Rosie doing her best Dan Aykroyd impersonation and saying to Elizabeth...

"Elisabeth, you ignorant slut!"

It will never happen, but I can dream, can't I?

After watching REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER this past Friday night, I now have another television program to add to my list of MUST SEE TV for a country living in the G.W. Dark Ages - - BILL MOYERS JOURNAL on PBS.

The first installment of BILL MOYERS JOURNAL is entitled BUYING THE WAR with a subtitle that reads, "How Did The Mainstream Press Get It So Wrong?"

Bill Maher interviewed Mr. Moyers via satellite at the beginning of the show last Friday and Moyers critical analysis of the Bush Administration and our current day media is a revelation.

The full interview from Friday's show is in the clip below. It includes this quote from Mr. Moyers...

"How many Americans is this President willing to sacrifice on the alter of his ego? Because what he's saying is, 'Step aside Iraqis and let our guys die.'"

He's brilliant. Watch it.

BUYING THE WAR airs Wednesday at 9pm on WTTW here in Chicago. Skip LOST and watch it. Nothing ever happens on that damn island anyway.

Belated 420

I just came across this little piece of Television History.

Oh, how I wish I had seen it yesterday when the subject matter would have been more appropriate.

But hey, it's 420 somewhere, right?

You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both
And there you have
The Facts of Life!
The Facts of Life!

The Much Needed Link

It's coming. Very soon. What we've all been waiting for.

The celluloid connection that will forever link GREASE with GREASE 2.

The film version of the Broadway musical HAIRSPRAY is coming.

How will this movie connect the dots between GREASE (where it's leading lady famously sang HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU) and GREASE 2 (where it's leading lady humped a ladder and sang a forgettable song named COOL RIDER)?


Well, that COOL RIDER chick was Michelle Pfeiffer and she is playing the blonde and bitchy Velma Von Tussle in HAIRSPRAY. Velma is the bitchy mom.


Who plays the nice mom with a heart of gold, you ask? Why John Travolta, of course!


Yes, John is doing his best Rudy Guiliani impersonation (a.k.a. "drag") and plays Edna Turnblad.

And while I would much rather have Harvey Fierstein re-create his brilliant Broadway performance as Edna in this film, I can't wait to see Stephanie Zinone meet Danny Zuko on screen.

Even if Danny will be wearing a dress.

Bringing Back an Old Parody

I never thought I would say this, but I agree with John McCain.

Unless you haven't turned on a television in the last 48 hours, you know that U.S. Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain brought back an old parody song on Wednesday called, "Bomb Iran" - - a take-off on the old Beach Boys song, "Barbara Ann."

I might be one of five people who actually remember this parody song. There have been many updates of the parody, but it originated in 1979 after the hostage crisis at the American embassy in Iran.




My family owned a copy of "Bomb Iran" on a 45.


If you don't know what a 45 is or was, lick me where I can't reach.



This is what happened.

Sen. McCain was speaking to a group of veterans at the Murrells Inlet VFW Hall. A man in the audience asked the question, "How many times do we have to prove that these people are blowing up people now, never mind if they get a nuclear weapon, when do we send 'em an airmail message to Tehran?"

The rest of the audience applauded.

Sen. McCain replied by saying, "That old, eh, that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran."

The crowd chuckled.

Then, McCain gently sang, "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, anyway... "

The audience laughed.

As the International Herald Tribune reported, "After his joke, McCain said that he agrees with President George W. Bush that the United States must protect Israel from Iran and work to prevent Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons. McCain has long said that the military option should not be taken off the table but that it should be used only as a last resort."

The media is having a field day showing McCain singing about bombing Iran. When asked for his response to the negative reactions some people are having to his joke, McCain had this to say...

"Please, I was talking to some of my old veterans friends.

My response is,

'Lighten up and get a life.'"

That is what I agree with. The "Get a life" part.

Do I want the U.S. to bomb Iran? No.

Is McCain calling for the U.S. to bomb Iran? No.

Do I admire someone for finally standing behind what he said and not backing down because someone didn't agree with it or it hurt someone's feelings? Abso-fucking-lutely!

The YouTube clips is below. Notice that it cuts off right before McCain responds seriously to the question.

This is happening over and over again. For example, Republicans are calling for Rosie O'Donnell's dismissal from THE VIEW because they falsely accuse her of blaming the President for 9/11. Rosie never said that. What she said was that the collapse of Tower 7 is a mystery since steel does not melt at the temperature it was exposed to on 9/11. She then asked for experts to come on the show and explain it to her. It's not even a conspiracy theory from Rosie - - it's a question.

Yet, with Rosie and with McCain, the ever lovin' American sound byte wins all. The news no longer presents us with the facts, it presents us with a subjective version of the facts.

I feel like inundating the news rooms of America with a never-ending clip from DRAGNET that keeps repeating the phrase, "Just the facts, ma'am."

But more than that, I commend Sen. McCain for standing up for what he said and what he did. No tears. No apology. No meeting with the leaders of this or that. And thank God, no rehab.

I may not agree with Sen. McCain's politics, but I admire him for principles.

I'm Lynette. You're Susan.

Anyone who has been to my home knows that I'm not neat and tidy enough to be Bree Van De Kamp Hodge.

Since one of my thighs takes up more space than Eva Longoria, I'm not Gabrielle.

I've slept with so many men that a bedding company chose to name a brand of sheets after me - - WAMSLUTTA! - - but still, I am not trampy enough to be Edie.

And believe it or not, as soon my mother, my father and I saw Teri Hatcher's character fall, trip, break, burn down and essentially "Jack Tripper" her way through one episode of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, we each had the same reaction...

Susan Mayer = My Brother Jeff

Jeff brags about how "Susan Mayer" he is in everyday life. Case in point...

Jeff is a social worker and one day, he was driving one of his clients, a mentally challenged little boy, to an appointment. After the appointment, Jeff made sure the child was secured into his seat and closed the passenger door - - on his hand.

As if that's not painful enough, the door was locked. So, his hand is now jammed between the car door and the door frame.

And in the process of securing the child in his seat, Jeff had dropped his car keys INSIDE the car.

So, in extreme pain, Jeff had to calmly talk to the child through the closed car window and convince him to undo his seat restraint, unlock the lock and then OPEN THE DOOR!

(Just for the record, my hand would still be jammed into the car door if I had to do this. Going on...)

The best part is that when he called me to tell what had happened to him, Jeff began the phone call doing his best Mary Alice impersonation. He said...

"Jeff Rader was always getting into trouble..."

So, I'm not Susan, either. Jeff is Susan. Hands down.

I've always known I'm a Lynette, but damn it, did the friggin' ABC "WHICH DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE ARE YOU?" Quiz have to supply me with irrefutable proof!!!


Yeah, I'm totally Lynette. I wouldn't have worn the damn orange, pizza place shirt either.

Mrs. Parker

For nearly a year now, I have been passing my bus ride to and from downtown reading comic books.

I know it's been nearly a year because I fell off the wagon of my self-imposed "comic book abstinence" when I started picking up DC Comics groundbreaking one- issue- per- week series 52 - - and this week is Week 50.

I know you can't really see it when the image is this size, but if you want to know why I read comic books, check out the tone, form and bubbly-goodness of Black Adam's ass.

I dated and/or "slept with" a hot dancer in the first national tour of FOSSE who had a butt you could bounce a quarter off of and even that pales in comparison to the Black Adam badonkadonk!

But this morning, for the first time in months, I had no new comics to read.

So, I grabbed one of my favorite collections for the ride - - THE POETRY AND SHORT STORIES OF DOROTHY PARKER.

And while reading over a hilarious story in the book's introduction, I realized something...

What the world needs now is
Mrs. Dorothy Parker.

These days, everyone seems to be able to tell everyone else what they can or cannot say. Our language is being broken down into "good" and "bad" words. If we offend someone with our turn of phrase, they demand an immediate apology, excessive "mea culpa," and of course, the inevitable rehab.

I hope when they try to shut down my language that the heavens provide me with a little sliver of Mrs. Parker's wit and enough of her courage to actually say the words out loud.

Here is the story from my collection's introduction...

"...in 1961, (Mrs. Parker and her second husband Alan) Campbell staged a reconciliation of sorts and remained together until his apparent suicide in 1963. Asked at the time by a meddling acquaintance if there was anything she needed, Mrs. Parker dryly replied...

"Get me a new husband."

When the woman expressed disgust at what she considered the callousness of the remark, Mrs. Parker, her wit ever intact, sighed and said gently...

"So sorry.
Then run down to the corner and get me a ham and cheese on rye and tell them to hold the mayo."

Wild Women of Boho

Last night, I was thrilled to attend the first of only three performances of a truly incredible cabaret show entitled THE WILD WOMEN OF BOHO.

Now, those of you who may have received a postcard or an email about this show may think that I'm being a little self-aggrandizing by complimenting a show that I'm listed as co-directing with Lili-Anne Brown, but please know that my "direction" of this show was little more than suggesting where they should position their microphones and encouraging these amazing women to follow their uber-talented instincts.

These six women - - Jess Godwin, Cassandra Liveris, Vanessa Panerossa, Jennifer Jordan Rhoads, Karen-Marie Richardson, and Blair Robertson - - met a few years ago when they were cast in Bohemian Theatre Ensemble's first production of the musical, THE WILD PARTY.

The show is about them, their lives, the struggles of being a theatre artist, the production that brought them together and their friendships that remain strong to this day.

These women are outstanding musical performers and their musical director, Nick Sula, is a godsend! His arrangements are breathtaking. The music he makes is thrilling. And he's damn cute.

Now, I had obviously seen a few run thru's of this piece and knew this group was wonderful, but last night, they brought this cabaret show to amazing heights.

My Daddy always says, "You don't know what you look like till you get your picture taken." After their performances last night, we now know that all of these women and Nick could (and should) perform cabaret all the time. We also know that this show is honestly not to be missed.

Bohemian Theatre Ensemble is big supporter of Season of Concern, so I urge anyone in Chicago to make plans to see THE WILD WOMEN OF BOHO on either Monday, April 23rd or Monday, April 30th at Davenport's Piano Bar & Cabaret.

You've only got the next two Mondays so see this. And if you miss it, you're a damn fool!


Congratulations to Jess, Cassie, Vanessa, Jenn, Karen-Marie, Blair and Nick for an outstanding performance last night!

And thanks to Lil for her direction, and most especially, to Brooke for organizing this event and making sure everything was taken care of at all times - - you are a goddess!

Old Polaroids

Recently, Jockohomo posted a link to this collection of pictures on Flicker.

The description of the collection reads...

"This photo came from a collection of over 400 Polaroid photos of strippers trying out for dancing jobs at a So. Cal club. They were taken from the late 1960's thru the early 1970's. I bought the entire collection for $10 from a senior advisor of mine in art school."

This "found" collection is wonderful. Some of the pictures are campy, some racy, some sad and some, like this one, I think are truly fabulous...


Philip wants me to make the woman above my New Imaginary Boyfriend.

I think I should send this picture to Britney and show her what a real blonde wig looks like!

Oops! She di.. (oh, screw it... she's too crazy and the joke is far too old...)

Ok, I read about this little piece of film but I hadn't seen it until just now.

This is Britney in a form we haven't quite seen from her.

She's not shaving her head, showing her puss or going all "She-Ra" on a car with an umbrella.

I just realized something about the umbrella...

Do you think Britney saw an episode of THE AVENGERS and was doing her best "Mr. Steed" impersonation?

Nah, I doubt it. Brit probably thinks that the BBC is a diet form of RC Coca-Cola.

This is Britney being a sarcastic Valley Girl... or something.

And I follow her sarcastic point until she talks about her management.

Then, she loses me.

Is she trying to say it was NOT a good idea for her to go into rehab?

And what's all the crap about "go to the light?" Did she watch POLTERGEIST recently or something?

Can someone please watch this and tell me what the fuck is going on?

Countdown

No, I'm not talking about the new DC Comics once-a-week series entitled COUNTDOWN that is soon to follow then final weekly installment of 52...

...I'm not talking about it YET, anyway...

I'm talking about the new piece of my blog that counts down to...

Bush's Last Day

January 20, 2009

Thanks to Whim for telling me about it and sending me the link.

Add one to your blog, your web page, anything at all.

Hell, if the html would work, I would have it tattooed on my ass!

Tons of people see that.

Leg Up

I saw this ad on a billboard at Belmont and Sheffield yesterday and all I could think was...

"Hey, Madonna.

PUT YOUR LEG DOWN!

What are you trying to do?

Get cast in BASIC INSTINCT 3?

You're nearly 50 years old.

Act like a person, for cryin' out loud!

Geez..."

The Former Wife of Renee Zellweger

This - - and I mean this with all my heart - - this is why I love the South!

The song. Not the singer.

Before you watch the video that I'm talking about, I have to mention something - - I just read that Kenny Chesney grew up in my hometown on Knoxville, TN. He attended Gibbs High School and graduated two years after I did.

I graduated from Powell High School. At our football games, the cheerleaders from Gibbs and other neighboring schools used to shout...

"Shoo. Shoo.

What do I smell?

P-O-W-E-L-L.

Powell!"

Funny, Gibbs girls. Real friggin' funny.

And if you recall, Kenny Chesney was married to Renee Zellweger for all of four months. Renee had the marriage annulled citing "fraud."

We all know Renee is the ultimate "Fruit Fly." (Did you see her drunk out of her mind at the Golden Globes a few years ago? LOVED IT!!!)

Sounds like she not only slept with one of her fag friends - - she married him and THEN realized...

"Oh my God. I married a gay man.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!"

Or maybe Renee walked onto Kenny's tour bus and found him teaching his good friend, Peyton Manning, all about "dominant chords."

Either way, if this video doesn't prove that Kenny Chesney is, as my father says, "queer as a football bat," I don't know what will!!!

18 Days

I have keeping track of the number of United States soldiers losing their lives in The Iraq War for only 18 days.

In 18 days, 55 men and women have been killed in Iraq.

Fifty-five of our own soldiers killed in eighteen days.

George W. Bush leaves the Office of the Presidency on January 20, 2009.

That is 645 days from now.

If we stay in Iraq and the rate of U.S. casualties remains the same as it has been over the past 18 days, an additional 1,971 United States soldiers will lose their lives.

The majority of the country is against this war and our occupation of this country.

We cannot wait until President Bush leaves Office to begin a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq.

Bring our troops home.

Now.

Bill Maher on Monica Goodling

If you are not watching REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER every single Friday night, add it to your To Do List on your TiVo, set your VCR or just stay at home. You're missing something truly remarkable if you're not watching this show.

For example, on September 9, 2005, after the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina, Bill Maher had this to say about President George W. Bush...

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky!

I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'"

This past Friday, Mr. Maher had this to say about Monica Goodling. Who is Monica Goodling? Watch and be shocked...

"It's three years and you only have to read one book."

Genius. Absolute genius.

I Agree With Mr. Waters

This just in from today's episode of AMC's SUNDAY MORNING SHOOTOUT.

John Waters had this to say...

"Only in L.A. do you have rehabs for homophobia.

What is that?

They show you, what, Liza Minnelli movies?"

"No One With A Dream Should Come To Italy."

My life is like THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA.

Before I go any further, no I was NOT accidentally kicked in the head by a Shetland pony at my 12th birthday party. If that were the case, I would wear an oversized hat everywhere - - especially if Matthew Morrison was anywhere near me.

If that passage confuses you, go see THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA on tour or watch the 1962 movie version starring (get this combo) Olivia de Havilland and George Hamilton, or... hey, here's a thought, READ THE BOOK written by Elizabeth Spencer.

After seeing the musical, the movie and reading the book, you're still going to be a little weirded out by this story of a girl kicked in the head by a horse who moves to Italy and scores a hot Italian boyfriend who has no idea that the 26 year old woman he's humping has the mental capacity of our current Commander in Chief!

In THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA, the character of Margaret Johnson says...

"No one with a dream should come to Italy, no matter how dead and buried you think it is. Italy. This is where Italy will get you."

Last Saturday night I realized that my life proves Elizabeth Spencer wrong.

Not that she gives a flying fuck what a bald fag with a blog thinks, but I'm puttin' it out there!

Last Saturday at my father's birthday party, he mentioned in one of his speeches to the crowed that he and his wife (my stepmother) could tell you every little detail about the night they met - - where they were, what they did and how it ended - - except they weren't sure of the exact date.

How do you NOT KNOW something like this?!?!? I keep a calendar of which guys named "Trick" I slept with on what day, just in case a miracle occurs and a man actually does want to buy the cow after he's drank his free milk.

I just realized that in that analogy, I'm a "cow."

It's hard to get laid when you refer to yourself as a COW, just so's you know!

My father and stepmother can narrow it down to a two week window of time, because when they met, I was out of the country on a class trip through Europe...

...including Italy...

...and you guessed it, we spent a few days in Florence.

Florence is where THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA takes place.

Before I left for that two week trip, my relationship with my father was incredible. After he separated from my mother, we had changed from "father/son" to "friends" almost overnight. Soon after I returned from Europe and my father met his new wife- to- be, he tried to reverse the process.

It didn't work.

For example, after all the nights I had spent as his "friend," convincing him that we should leave the bar before "last call" since it was a school night and 7th grade math was kicking my ass, it was difficult for my father to tell me that I had a 10:00 p.m. curfew

It was sort of like those areas in parking lots where you can easily drive through in one direction, but if you back up, metal spikes slice your tires. Our relationship exploded.

I guess in the back of my mind, I knew that my father and I wouldn't stay "bachelor buddies" for the rest of our lives, but when I went to Italy, I didn't find a dream that was "dead and buried" as Ms. Spencer says; I left a dream.

After he found his second wife, my father drifted further and further out of my life. A lot of that damage has been repaired now, but I live so far away that we will never, ever have the close friendship that we had for those few years between his marriages.

I do care about my stepmother, but I don't care for her. My father is in love with her and she makes him very happy, so I am happy that she is with him because of that. But as I told her a few years ago when she drunkenly asked me why I hated her so much...

"You took my father away from me."

____

Epilogue: I did learn one interesting fact about my stepmother that slightly redeemed her in my eyes.

The night she met my father, she handed him her phone number on a Monopoly "Chance" card.




That move is either super smooth or incredibly cheesy - - or both. Probably both. Which is why I like it.

P.S. Does anyone have any old Monopoly game sets they don't use anymore?

Raider Wear

All my life, people have tried to spell my last name with an "i" after the "a."

I'll introduce myself and they'll say...

"Oh yeah, like the football team"

I give them a blank stare. Or they'll say...

"Oh, so you're a Raider of the Lost Ark, huh?"

Then, I pity them. Because they have no funny.

There was one woman who worked in the school clinic at my elementary school who didn't want to put an "i" in my name, but she did want to change the first letter. She said...

"Oh yeah, like Darth."

Apparently at a very young age, I exuded "The Dark Side of The Force."

But just as I have been reclaiming the shortened version of my first name...

(I actually allow people to call me "Steve" now... but don't call me "Stevie"... my grandmother was the only person who could call me "Stevie" and she's dead, so fuck off...)

I am also embracing the "i" version of my last name.

And just in time for N2N Bodywear to release a "Raider" line of clothing for the well- "under"- dressed party fag.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present...

RAIDER WEAR!

The first item in our fashion show is an homage to an old nickname I was granted back in my high school and college ball days...

RAIDER SPORT COMPETITOR

And really, nothing says "sport competitor" quite like pink bikini briefs with micro-holes.


I'm certain that if Rex Grossman had worn the RAIDER SPORT COMPETITOR under his football pants during the SuperBowl, the outcome would have been QUITE different!!!

****

Next up, we have an item that I know we will be seeing in excess at this year's Chicago Marathon...

RAIDER RUNNERS

I just love that name!


Although, I'm not quite sure where you would attach your marathon number on this garment...


But then again, if you're wearing a RAIDER RUNNER at the marathon, you're already a WINNER, aren't you?

****

And last, but DEFINITELY not least, the item that typifies everything about the master sportsman that I am at the core of my being...

RAIDER JOCK

I'm sorry...


Give me a second...


I apologize...


I was just in the Bahamas with the RAIDER JOCK model here...


And it was NICE!!!!

4-7-47

"Where, oh where, has my little blog gone?

Oh where, oh where can it be?"

Well ya'll, things at Season of Concern have been extremely busy - - it really hasn't slowed down much since late November - - but happily, I am experiencing the kind of "busy" that translates into more money being raised and more people being helped.



It's the kind of "busy" a certain poncho-wearing ex-con would call...

"A good thing."

I hate that bitch.



I also haven't been posting because this past weekend, I flew back home to Tennessee to spend Easter with my family and...

...to surprise my father at his 60th birthday party!

My father is a CPA and works for himself, which means that from mid to late January until April 15th, he eats, sleeps, breathes and possibly makes love to IRS Tax Returns.

Now, why my father would choose a profession with so much pressure focused on a date that falls 8 days after his birthday is beyond me!!! But he did, so he rarely celebrates his birthday with a big party.

But this year being one of the "Big Ten's" and all, he invited about 50 people to the back room...

...not THAT type of back room...

...if it were MY birthday party, then of course I would be "hosting" 50 (or more) people in THAT kind of "back room," but the gayest thing my father has ever done in his life is attend a Cher concert...

...and he didn't know when to clap during DARK LADY, so trust me when I say that this was a "back room" of the restaurant variety!!!

...he invited about 50 people to celebrate his birthday in the back room of the best Italian restaurant in Knoxville, TN - - Naples.

He told me about the party a month or so ago, but never mentioned me coming into town for it because he knew I was busy and most of my weekends were taken up with performances.

But SEUSSICAL is over, I found a good fare on a flight, arrived in Knox-Vegas (as we rednecks like to call it) on Friday night, stayed with my mom and said nothing to my father, so I could surprise him.

A couple of days before this, I told him I would call him when his party was in full swing to wish him a Happy Birthday.

So, an hour into his party, my father stood up to thank everyone for coming and to tell funny stories on everybody - - and I mean EVERYBODY - - in the room. That's when I called his cell phone.

My timing was perfect, if I do say so myself

He answered and said that he was up talking to the crowd. He said he had just mentioned my name and told everyone that I was unable to come back into town for the party. He said that he was going to give the phone to my brother so that I could hear the rest of his thank you speech.

That's when I walked into the room behind him.

Everyone shouted and applauded. My father turned around with the phone to his ear and looked right at me with an expression that seemed to say...

"I'm talking to Steve on the phone. Who the hell are you?"

Then, he hugged me and thanked me for coming. It was an incredible.

My father told everyone how proud he was of me and my brother - - how proud he was of the work that we do and the lives we have created for ourselves.

And since I spent my childhood thinking that my father would never be proud of me because I would never be a star football player, hearing those words from my father meant more to me than any award, any medal, any money or anything that I could ever receive.

So, Happy 60th, Daddy.

And even though I never became one, this picture is proof that in the early 60's, my father WAS a high school football star!

Robert Clark

As we begin to celebrate Easter, let's take a moment to celebrate the life of a man who made Christmas a little bit happier for all of us.

On Wednesday, flimmaker Robert Clark was driving with his son in Pacific Palisades, CA when they were struck head on by another car. Both of them were killed. The other driver is being investigated for driving under the influence. (full story)

Robert Clark was was the director who gave us the now-classic holiday film, A CHRISTMAS STORY.

He also directed PORKY'S and PORKY'S 2 and I love him for those two films as well.

Don't knock 'em till you've seen 'em.

And if you haven't seen 'em for 15 years, see 'em again. They're friggin' hilarious.

Mr. Clark also directed Dolly Parton and Sly Stallone's film, RHINESTONE.

Again, I love it and again, don't knock it till you've seen it.

So, here's a little piece of A CHRISTMAS STORY with Ralphie in his bunny costume - - a little something that says "Happy Easter" and "Thank you" to Mr. Clark for his incredible films.

"He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny. He does, too! He looks like a pink nightmare!"

Planet Unicorn 2: Electric Boogaloo

For those of you who enjoyed the first episode so much, here is Episode 2 (Electric Boogaloo) of PLANET UNICORN.

Heeeeeey!





Notice in this episode that Feathers saves the day by hurling the best insult at The Troll...

"Your nose looks like a cat."

Feathers and I continue to have so much in common!!!

Planet Unicorn. Hey!

Cutie McCute-erton Dan Cox sent a link to this video and I cannot stop playing it.

Although, I think I know why he sent it to me...

...he probably watched this and thought, "Oh my God, Feathers sounds just like like Stephen!"

If that is the case Mr. Dan Cox, I have only one thing to say to you!!!

"Thanks!"




In the year 2117, an 8 year old gay boy named Shannon found a magic lamp.

He was granted three wishes.

The first, a fur jacket.

The second, a flying car.

And the third was a planet full of unicorns!!

This is the story of that planet.

A gay boy wished for a planet full of unicorns.

Planet Unicorn! Unicorn Planet!

Give it up for Feathers, Cadillac and Tom Cruise.

Oh-oh-oh-oh! Planet Unicorn, Heeeeeey!

An Early Easter Message

I received this picture from Alanda a few years ago right before Easter and it makes me laugh every time I look at it...



I know there are a few variations on this theme...



...but to me, the original one that Alanda sent me is best.

As we say in the South, it's sort of "Dance with the one that brung you" kind of thing.

Balls, Cojones, Nads, Nuts & Tea Bags: My World, Welcome To It!

I heard about this story this morning on the WGN News and then this headline caught my attention...

"Vet Claims Doctors Removed Wrong Testicle"

Now, here is a brief synopsis of the full story...

"An Air Force veteran filed a federal claim after undergoing an
operation at a Veterans Administration hospital in which a healthy testicle was removed instead of a potentially cancerous one.

Benjamin Houghton, 47, was to have had his left testicle removed on June 14 at the West Los Angeles VA Medical Center because there was a chance it could harbor cancer cells. It also was atrophied and painful.

But doctors mistakenly removed the right testicle, according to medical records and the claim, which seeks $200,000 for future care and unspecified damages."

Now to repeat, the headline says, "Vet Claims Doctors Removed Wrong Testicle."

Here's the thing...

The vet "CLAIMS" doctors removed the wrong testicle?!?!?!? CLAIMS?!?!?! Is there any doubt that a mistake was made here?!?!? I know that a "claim" was filed, I get it, I get it. But still!!!

The headline makes is sound like there's a veteran of our armed forces sitting in a hospital bed looking down at his crotch and saying to his doctor...

"Hey, you cut off my right ball and you were SUPPOSED to cut off my LEFT BALL!!

...and then the smug-assed doctor says...

"Well, how do you KNOW we cut off the wrong ball? I mean when it comes down to it, it's your word against mine."

We're talking about the guy's nuts!!! He has two of them! Don't you think he KNOWS which ball was causing him pain and was supposed to be removed?!?!?

He's not CLAIMING that his doctor removed the wrong testicle, he KNOWS THE DOCTOR REMOVED THE WRONG TESTICLE!!!

The way the headline reads now, it's sort of saying "Doctor ALLEGEDLY Removed Wrong Testicle of Vet."

With that headline, I imagine the doctor being quoted as saying,

"Once we have analyzed all the data and reviewed all the necessary information, I will let this man know whether or not I removed his painful, atrophied testicle or his healthy, semen-producing testicle. But until then, the jury is still out on whether or not I made a mistake."

Note to Physicians of the World: If I ever - - EVER - - need to have one of my balls removed and you cut out the wrong one, you can bet your sweet ass that it's gonna cost you a lot more than $200,000!

My nuts are a million a piece, baby! And don't even THINK of coming near my penis if you can't tell your right from your left without reciting the Pledge of Allegiance!

This story reminds me of that old, German folk song that Bette Midler used to sing in her concerts....

Hitler had only one big ball!

Goering had two and they were small!

Himmler had something sim'ler,

and poor old Geobbels had no balls at all!

(EVERYBODY!)

Hitler had only one big ball!...

What you gonna do with all that junk? No, seriously. What ARE you going to do?

Ok, so all I seem to be doing these days is finding fabulous video clips on other people's blogs and then posting them here...

...but Madonna stole a career and G.W. stole an election, so stealing these clips is really just me living the American Dream.

But unlike "The Material Girl" and "The Idiot Who Would Be King," I give credit to those from whom I have stolen!

I found this on Mike's blog and while I have never really been a huge fan of Alanis Morissette, she has definitely won me over by doing this.

This is Alanis...

...singing MY HUMPS by The Black Eyed Peas...

...as a ballad.

Yes, she's in on the joke and yes, it is hilarious!




Isn't it ironic?

(Sorry, I couldn't resist writing that.)

A Pharaoh For A Boyfriend

Today, Master Aaron added the following comment to yesterday's post entitled, A GOOD SPORT...

Rader, you haven't had a new imaginary boyfriend since March 25th. What's up? Gettin' soft? (Pun intended)

I wanted to let Aaron and everyone else know that...

1) Nothing is wrong with me, despite the fact that I have not had a New Imaginary Boyfriend since March 25th. (Isn't Topher Grace WAY hot enough to keep around on the blog for more than a week??!?!)

2) There is a certain man in Boystown with a smile on his face and a painful yet satisfying, funny walk who will testify that, as of last night, I am not, "Gettin' soft."

3) As my Daddy's always says, "Paybacks are a bitch!"

That being said, may I present My New Imaginary Boyfriend...

The Pharaoh!

(Or more correctly, "The Pharaoh who stole Elizabeth Taylor's eye makeup from the movie CLEOPATRA!")



Hmmmm.... The Pharaoh looks so familiar to me.

Wasn't he in the Bailiwick Repertory Theatre's production of THE MOST FABULOUS STORY EVER TOLD a few years ago?

Nah, that was Aaron.

The Numbers Keep Growing

In the short time that I have been making an effort to track the increase in U.S. Soldier Casualties in the Iraq War...

...a period of only 6 days...

...I have been horrified to watch the death count rise nearly every single time that I check the Iraq Coalition Casualty Count web site.

In 6 days, the number of United States soldiers who have lost their lives fighting the War in Iraq increased from 3,244 to 3,257!

That amounts to THIRTEEN U.S. soldiers dead in only SIX days!

This is only the number of soldiers who have died. Many others are wounded each and every day.

The increase is shocking.

I said that I was going to keep track of the these figures on my blog, but before today, I didn't quite know how to do it. At first, I thought I would include an update at the end of each post. Then, I decided to create a special section that would show the number of U.S. soldiers who had died along with some general information about the most recent individuals who lost their lives in Iraq.

But our soldiers are being killed so quickly - - much faster than I realized - - so now, I have decided to leave each update's casualty number in that section of my blog - - with newer updates being added to the top of the old updates - - to give some small visual reference to these horrific casualty rates.

Look at the column - - even with only four updates on it - - and then tell me which of these is America's true tragedy:

1) Howard Stern promoting Sanjaya on AMERICAN IDOL?

or...

2) American soldiers losing their lives in a war we have no hope to win?

A Good Sport

It is now official - - I have the most talented friends alive on the friggin' planet!

And you know what that means? Yep! I'm planning on riding their coattails all the way to the top!


Or at least to Schaumburg.


Hey, don't knock Schaumburg - - they have an IKEA and an Olive Garden!!!


It's heaven in a 3 block radius!!!


The following clip features two - - count 'em, TWO!! - - friends of mine who are also bloggers whose links you can find right here on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG?

And as if that doesn't make me uber-cool through association, the director of this vid is an incredibly talented friend of mine - - Baby Jon!!!

Congratulations to each of you! And everyone else, check out their movie! It is damn funny!

And as a fabulous North Shore woman (who looked so old, she possibly dated Moses) told me after one of my cabaret shows...

"You're so funny - - and I know from funny!!"

P.S. Baby Jon entered A GOOD SPORT into a video contest at I.O. Best of luck, Jon! This video is definitely a winner!

All The News That's Fit To Hype

A new post by Alex just brought me to this video on JibJab. This is quite possibly the funniest way on the planet to support my posting about Americans being interested in everything EXCEPT the Iraq War due to media hype.

Watch it. It's pretty damn brilliant.

What We Call the News Send To Friends Funny Animations at JibJab

And JibJab looks wild and amazing. I have a feeling that my Monday night Sidetrack run for my weekly dose of showtunes will most likely have to cancelled due to me spending hour after hour cruising around this site and laughing my ass off.

And I have a lot of ass to laugh off, folks. It runs in the family.

Gmail Paper

Just when I thought that a major company couldn't fool me with another grand "April Fools' Day" hoax after the big one a few years ago...


...when I really believed that Taco Bell had purchased The Liberty Bell and were renaming it "The Taco Liberty Bell"...


...the good guys at Google displayed this on the sign-in page for Gmail today...





Gmail Paper! A service where you click on any document and Google will mail you a hard copy via parcel post.

...and I thought - - I actually thought...

"Wow. How can they afford to do that?"