"My, My, My Poked-Up Face! My, My Poked-Up Face!"

It's been over a week since my last post, but there's a reason. A very good reason.

I got out of bed early Tuesday morning and apparently, I stood up too quickly because I passed out somewhere in my hallway or my bathroom. Why am I not sure where I passed out? Well, there's the whole unconscious thing. And the fact that I hit my forehead somewhere, on something, and that robbed me of a few minutes / hours of detailed short term memory.

That said, the deep cut in my forehead bled extremely well, so much so that I didn't need a CSI black light wand to tell me where I laid AFTER I passed out. However, I have no idea how long I laid there bleeding and there's nothing near the large pool of blood that has a sharp enough edge to cut my forehead so that I needed 7 (or was it 9?) sutures.

But after a trip to the emergency room and a week of healing, I now have a semi-Harry Potter scar. And a new theme song: "My, my, my poked-up face. My, my poked-up face!"

Luckily, a new Sassy Gay Friend video just hit YouTube. I needed this laugh. A lot.

"I Need a Hero!"

This is incredibly hot, Hollywood actor Chris Evans. A couple of things...

1) Chris has reportedly been offered the role of Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America, in the upcoming film, "Captain America: The First Avenger."

2) In the picture, notice that Chris is wearing a "Deep Throat" t-shirt.

I sincerely hope that both item #1 and item #2 are true.

But, as much as I would LOVE to see Chris play Captain America in the upcoming Marvel films, if I had to choose just one, I'd go with item #2.

Come on. A movie star with that body and no gag reflex? That's like Gay Heaven.

"God'll Get You For That, Walter"

I was watching a few episodes of "Maude" that someone has thankfully uploaded to YouTube and I fell in love with this shadier than usual Bea Arthur insult...

"You're a tower of trivia, Walter. Have you ever thought about leaving your brain to science? I could arrange to have it picked up first thing in the morning."

I loved watching "Maude" when I was a kid. And I'm told that my favorite television show during my preschool years was "Family Affair." According to my mother, I would stare at the screen transfixed, drinking in the lives of Buffy, Jody, Cissy and Mr. French.

So, just for the record, before my jaded, "Maude" years (meaning I learned "bitter" and "jaded" from Bea, a true master), I loved watching children with uber-queer names who lived with their father and his live-in "man-servant," Mr. French.

And yet, years later, my parents had the nerve to be shocked when I told them I was gay.

What did they need to figure it out? Liza Minnelli to marry me? Oy...

Fratboy Friday

"Spring is here, there's no mistaking..."

BOYS IN CAPS

Now, we can finally cornhole outdoors

in front of God and everybody!

****

SAGGERS

We can finally show off the body we've been working on all winter.

Yes, I've been working on my body all winter.

And now, there's much more of my body! And in all the wrong places!

I'm ballooning faster than Violet Beauregard post-three course dinner gum.

I need to find the juicing room. In SO many ways!

****

MOONERS

Time for Spring Cleaning...

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

...and St. Patrick's Day frivolity.

With matching boxer shorts, no less!

(Oy...)

"People, People Who Need People..."

Mario Cantone had a very funny bit in his Broadway show, "Laugh Whore," on the subject of Cher.

I'm simply updating it for 2010 when I say...

"Sandra Bullock has an Oscar."

"That's the punchline."

Streep should have won. Period, end of story.

Someone asked me if I had seen "The Blind Side." My response was, "We've ALL seen 'The Blind Side.'"

Just the clip they showed at the Oscars proved that "The Blind Side" is simply every fucking movie that's ever been made.

Right down to the line, "You're changing that boy's life," to which Bullock's character replies, "No, he's changing mine."

Gross. How much throw-up can my mouth take?

I'm with Mo Rocca. I want to live among Streeple. A world inhabited by the characters Meryl Streep has played.

Can you imagine Miranda Priestly meeting Madeline Ashton? The mind reels...

"Can You Picture the Things I'm Thinking Of?"

I've always thought it was a little silly...

...if not downright ridiculous and possibly riCOCKulous, (which is, of course, the new and improved beta version of "ridiculous," a.k.a. "Ridiculous 2: This Time It's Personal")...

...that Margot Kidder was asked (and agreed to) record herself as she TALKED THE LYRICS to the song, "Can You Read My Mind?," so that it could be played as an inner monologue / voiceover while she, as Lois Lane, enjoys her first flight with Christopher Reeve's dreamy Superman.

But you know...

I'd record myself talking the lyrics to "My Adobe Hacienda" if it meant that this Superman would take me...

...on a flight.

So to speak.

"Sassy, Anyone?"

Did someone say they needed more Sassy?

Why Juliet did.

Yes, just like Ophelia, Juliet is in SERIOUS need of a Sassy Gay Friend.

(I am now, officially in love with this guy!)

"Beware My Power, Green Lantern's Light"

Here he is.

The father of my children.

The butter to my bread.

The "Take it like the bitch you are!" to my "Thank you, SIR! May I have another, SIR?!?"

Ryan Reynolds. Talking about how his Green Lantern costume leaves nothing to the imagination.

One viewing of this clip and suddenly, I'm WAY into cosplay.

"What Fresh Hell Is This?"

This past week was very hard.

Lots of uncertainty, tons of stress, and lately, every time I turn around, there's a new stick waiting for me to spin a plate on it. In other words...

"I'm too fucking busy...
or vice versa."

- Dorothy Parker

At the present time, however, unlike Mrs. Parker, I'm only "fucking busy." I don't go both ways.

Reminds me of the time my friend John Cardone asked me if I was a bottom or a top. I told him I was (and am) versatile. John replied...

"Versatile. Spelled B-O-T-T-O-M."

Here's wishing that the quote above becomes reality for us all soon. With the word "busy" before "fucking." Always.

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

The first act of The Gun Show.

My, my my...

What a gun show.

****

SAGGERS

As my friend Eric Reda says...

"This guy has GOT to stop calling me!"

****

MOONERS

White Trash Surfing

a.k.a.

Redneck Riptide

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

As my father used to say,

"What if your face was to freeze like that?"

My answer, for this boy, anyway:

"Who the Hell is looking at his face?"

"Would You Play the 'UH' Song for These People, Please?"

Two hours from now, I will be sitting in the Harris Theatre, listening to Stephen Sondheim. Talk.

No singers, no orchestra, no piano. Not a performance of Sondheim's music, but Sondheim discussing his music, his lyrics, his career, his theories and ideas.

And if we're lucky, a few killer stories about Elaine Stritch: The Boozy Years. Or his former next door neighbor, Katharine Hepburn.

(Typing that made me realize that tonight may come dangerously close to being Uber-Gay. You know, that gay beyond gay where Rip Taylor lives. We may fall into the area where Queer folds in on itself. And we can finally reach it with our mouths)

For those of you who might think that an evening listening to someone talk about the creation of a piece of musical theatre would be about as fun as felching Anthrax out of Dick Cheney's mangina, check out this clip.

It's Sondheim laughing about the lyrics he wrote for the song "Somewhere" in "West Side Story."

So funny. So brilliant. And I'm SO tempted to throw my underwear on stage tonight. If I was wearing any underwear, that is...

"Key Word Is Indulgent"

Watching Sen. Jim Bunning stand in the way of a 30-day extension of unemployment & health insurance benefits for a million jobless Americans during our Great Recession, I'm reminded of a line from "Annie Hall"...

"What I wouldn't give for a large sock full of manure"

Or an even better line from "Annie Hall"...

"I need the large polo mallet."

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Senate After Dark
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Health Care Reform

"You Could Move In"

I've been away from my little blog a little too long.

And I'll admit it... I've been eating.

No, I haven't eaten all of the Thin Mints I bought a week ago. Yet.

But there is a sugar-covered Peep sitting to my right, waiting to be eaten.

Add that to the seven Peeps I've already inhaled and the cheeseburger I had for lunch at Billy Goat Tavern and soon, even the crotch on my caftan will be tight. Oy...

Thank God The Onion knows how to shame me down to size!


In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?

"I Wanna Hold Your Hand"

Two new t-shirts from Threadless that I love. Sort of.

This first one is (supposedly) "The Luckiest T-Shirt Ever."

I can just hear the guy who made this saying? "Get it? Lucky. The shooting star. The horseshoe. Get it?"

"Yeah, yeah," I would reply. "You're slightly clever. What do you want? A fucking award? Will somebody get this guy a Clever Medallion, please."

Obviously, I don't LOVE the design of the t-shirt. I just want dude IN the t-shirt.

I want to hold his balls in my mouth. As a friend.

This second t-shirt is entitled "The Gaming Revolution."

But the color and the image just scream "Handball" to me. And not the Olympic sport, either.

Hmmm... I wonder if there's a fisting video game...

Wii Fisting.

Sounds like a secondary character in a Bond movie, doesn't it?

"I Don't Get It, But... Okay!"

Adam at Comics Make No Sense posted this panel today.

I've seen several bizarre, sexually disturbing, yet more-than-a-little titillating comic book panels featuring the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder, but this one is new to me.

New to the adult me, anyway. I'm sure I saw this panel when I was kid. It explains so much.

To all the guys who wondered why I brought them back to my place, turned down the lights and asked them to join me in "puncturing" a watermelon painted to look like a giant lemon, here you go.

This explains it. It all tracks back.

"Lookie, Lookie, Here Comes Cookie Now"

I found it yesterday. I finally found it.

I was walking into the Jewel (the grocery store, not the singer), and there it was - - what so many of us search for, but so few of us find.

A Girl Scout. Selling actual boxes of Girl Scout Cookies!

And she had SEVERAL boxes of Thin Mints available for purchase!!!

Don't judge. Thin Mints (the Girl Scouts' obviously-named diet cookies) are exciting stuff for me. So exciting that I think I scared my neighborhood Girl Scout when, instead of "Hello," I started the conversation with a bombastic, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!?"

Luckily, she was with her mother and her mother laughed and quickly positioned boxes of Thin Mints between the crazy, bald, gay man and her child.

I bought four boxes. And the second I got home, they went into my freezer. Right beside the vodka and the poppers.

My mama raised me right.

"Hamlet Was the Prince of a Spot Called Denmark"

Have you ever thought to yourself...

"I wonder how the play 'Hamlet' would have been different if Ophelia had a sassy, gay friend."

Well, I have. Mainly because "Ophelia's Gay Friend Bobby" would be the role that I would play.

This is friggin' hysterical. So funny because it's SO true.

"Here She Is Boys! Here She Is World! Here's Rose!"

Gays do indeed have talent. And lots of it.

Sure, most gay talent can only be seen on XTube, but some of it can be displayed in public. In a bar! And not in the back room either!

Last year's "Gays Got Talent" was a blast. This year, I'll be one of the judges at the Spin. And you know what they say...

If you want to win, all you have to do is be nice to me.

And by "nice" I don't mean anything sexual. I mean, "bring me a cheeseburger with fries and a strawberry shake."

Ah, the 40's...

Come see me at Spin and buy me a drink. I'm much funnier when you and I are BOTH drunk.

"Can I Pet Your Pussy?"

Drunk Fan

"I'd love a little pussy."

Tallulah

"Dahling, so would I.

Mine's as big as a handbag."

"Batman, Dahling!"

"Daddy warned me about men and alcohol, but he never warned me about women and cocaine."

- Tallulah Bankhead