An Intimate Evening

Oh my God. Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Ohmigod. Oh. My. God!!

Dan Cox - - that lovely, sweet, charming Dan Cox - - just forwarded an email to me for...

...Hold your breath... Are you holding your breath?... HOLD YOUR DAMN BREATH!!!...

...Wait for it... Wait for it...

Complimentary tickets to see Lynda Carter in her cabaret show TONIGHT!!!

Lynda Carter. Friggin' LYNDA CARTER!!!

At Chicago's Apollo Theatre. Where I have friggin' PERFORMED!!!

I am BESIDE MYSELF WITH EXCITEMENT!!

Here's the small blurb about tonight...

TV’s “Wonder Woman” Live in Concert

SR: Yeah, we all know she was TV's "Wonder Woman." Especially the gays. That's in our "Homo 101 Handbook!"

You and a guest are cordially invited to

AN INTIMATE EVENING WITH LYNDA CARTER

SR: An "Intimate Evening!" I can't wait!!!!

Tuesday, September 11 at 8 p.m. or
Wednesday, September 12 at 8 p.m.

Direct from her sold-out, record-breaking runs at San Francisco’s Plush Room and Los Angeles’ Catalina’s Jazz Club, Carter returns to Chicago for a limited engagement at the Apollo Theater, 2540 N. Lincoln Ave., for six performances Sept. 11 - 16.

SR: And here's the review... WOOHOO!!!

"... one of the most beautiful voices now performing in cabaret... [the show] is magnificent and what cabaret is all about.” - Jerry Friedman, ABC San Francisco

SR: I am like an 8 year old boy right now!!! I can't wait for tonight. I JUST CAN'T WAIT!!!

The Breakfast of Champions

I figure that today we could all use a laugh and my mother, once again, has supplied me with a brilliant one.

She just called me to say that one of the guys who delivers supplies to her office came in today and for some reason, the topic of breakfast came up.

The young man said that he never eats breakfast, which prompted Mama to say...

"Well, they say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It gives you your energy. If you don't eat breakfast, what do you run on all day."

Mother heard the young man respond by saying...

"Cheese Nips."

So, Mama, of course, immediately said...

"Oh, I LOVE Cheese Nips. I eat them all the time. I've been known to eat me a box of Cheese Nips sitting in front of the tv..."

At which time, my mother's co-worker, Mitzi, interrupted her to say...

"Wanda, he didn't say he runs on Cheese Nips. He said he runs on Jesus."

Yeah.

You say Funyuns and I say onions.

You say Cheese Nips and I say Jesus.

Funyuns. Onions.

Cheese Nips. Jesus.

Let's call the whole thing off.

Libraries Remember

My wonderful friend Doug Orlyk just emailed me and let me know about something wonderful. I hope that he doesn't mind my copying his words here to tell you about it.

Doug writes...

"My place of employment, the Bensenville Community Public Library, is commemorating for the 5th year in a row (they started in 2003) by staying open the entire 24 hours of 9/11. It's now 9:30, and I've been at work since 11:30 last night. And I'll be here until a little after midnight. I'm a little groggy but doing well. I got to sing the national anthem and a beautiful song, "I Am One," for our sunrise service in the library's garden at 6:15 a.m. It was chilly, but beautiful.

"Visit www.librariesremember.net for more info on why we do this and what else we're doing. It's the best day of the year at my job. And of course, you're invited to stop by at any time."

As the Libraries Remember site explains...

"Libraries represent the sum of all human knowledge, and they represent equal access to that knowledge. Libraries represent freedom of expression, celebration of diversity, a playing field that is level, preservation of heritage, and commitment to the future.

"There may be nothing more antithetical to terrorism, hatred, bigotry, and fanaticism than the American Public Library."

Thank you, Doug, for all that you do - - on this day and with so many other community service projects throughout the year. You are remarkable.

TMI Tuesday

I was unsure about answering TMI Tuesday questions on the anniversary of September 11th, but when I saw the Bonus Question, I decided it was okay. I hope that you'll agree.


1. Where was the first place you ever had sex?

Here's the deal: What constitutes sex? For so many people, a penis has to go into an ass or a vagina before it's sex. As I said at a party just the other night, "What? A mouth isn't considered a hole anymore?!?"

For that reason, I'll list a few, shall we say, "levels of sex"...

Mutual masturbation: In my second cousin's house when his parents were away.

My hot, straight, "star of the neighboring high school's football team" second cousin, by the way...

Yeah, THAT second cousin...

Oral sex: With another high school boy in a hotel room at the Hyatt Regency in Knoxville, TN. A fond, fond, fond memory, indeed.

Anal sex: In a small, cheesy Motel 6 just off of Kingston Pike in Knoxville with a guy I dated in college who drove a pick-up truck and worked at a gas station - - Tony. And if that man hadn't decided to go back to his boyfriend - - they were on a little "break" during the time we dated - - I probably would still be with him today.


2. Does size matter? (open to interpretation boys and girls)

Honesty matters. Kindness matters. A romantic man who gets why CASABLANCA is your favorite movie matters. Size... eh...

However, that old joke just won't leave my brain without being written down here...

"There are two things I really hate: size queens and little dicks."

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?

Abso-fucking-lutely. Oddly enough, though, not my current office, but my former office - - many, Many, MANY times.

Once with a famous porn star.

"Those were the days, my friend. We thought they'd never end..."


4. Ever been skinny dipping?

Abso-fucking-lutely. What part of "redneck" didn't you understand?



5. Top or bottom?

I'll let my doppelganger, John Cardone, answer that question.

Backstage during the run of THE LAST SUNDAY IN JUNE, someone mentioned something about me being a bottom and I - - being the lady who doth protest too much - - shouted back...

"Hey, I'm versatile!"

Which prompted Mr. Cardone to say...

"Sure. You're versatile. Spelled B-O-T-T-O-M."

Bitch.



Bonus: Where were you September 11, 2001? What were you doing when you first heard about the twin towers?

I walked into my gym, the Sweat Shop on Broadway here in Chicago, and looked up to see the first tower on tv right after it had been hit. And I have no idea why, but the first words out of my mouth were...

"What have they done?"

I don't know who I was speaking of when I said "they," but I had just been on tour in the Middle East the year before and perhaps, after speaking with the people there, somewhere inside I knew what was happening.

I stood there and watched the second plane hit the second tower. And as I walked to the locker room to put my stuff away, I heard the description of the the third plane hitting the Pentagon.

By the time I realized that I hadn't checked my cell phone in almost 30 minutes, I had multiple calls from both of my parents. I had just travelled, with less than a week's notice, to Tokyo and I think something in both my parents' brains thought that I might be flying around or out of the country again. They were terrified when I wasn't answering my phone for that long.

I went to work and from my office at Belmont and Halsted, I watched as hundreds of people kept streaming off of the Belmont L station. It was a constant line of scared and confused men and women.

We sat in the conference room and watched the harried tv reports. I called Aaron, who at the time was working only a block away from the Hancock Building, and told him to leave, but their office hadn't officially closed yet. I told him to walk out the door whether the office was closed or not. The Hancock would definitely be one of two targets if the terrorists were on their way to Chicago and I was so scared that something might happen to Aaron.

Six years ago. So much has changed in six years.

Stokes & Studs

Today, I was at THE luncheon in Chicago... if you're a part of the theatre community, that is...

At noon today in The Standard Club, The Actors Fund gave Chicago legend Studs Terkel their Medal of Honor for his tremendous body of work.

Studs spoke. He told hilarious stories - - many of which I hope will be in his forthcoming memoirs - - and at one point, he made me horse laugh when he said...

"Alfred Lunt and Lynne Fontanne received an award in this room. And if it's good enough for them, it's good enough for me."

He was smart and witty and charming and the room was FILLED with Chicago theatre heavy-hitters.

And one Tony-Award Winning heavy-hitter.

A Broadway star who flew into Chicago to present the medal to Studs.

The President of The Actors Fund - - Brian Stokes Mitchell

When I introduced myself to him as the Executive Director of Season of Concern, he thanked me for my work (SOC shares office space with the Chicago office of The Actors Fund and we award a large grant to them every year), and then he said it...

"Call me Stokes."

I immediately said, "My musical theatre friends are going to DIE when I tell them that I met you."

He said, "Well, I don't want them to die!!!"

What I wanted to say was, "My musical theatre friends will KILL THEMSELVES when I tell them that you asked me to call you Stokes."

Of course, he asks EVERYONE to call him Stokes, but that's beside the point.

He's my buddy, now. Stokes.

And he is handsome and warm and friendly and intelligent and a brilliant President for The Actors Fund. It was a thrill to meet him and to hear all of the wonderful Studs Terkel stories.

What a lovely way to start the week.

P.S. When I talked to Charissa after the luncheon and told her who I met, she said, "Stokes & Studs," to which I replied...

"Sounds like a gay bar in the West Village, doesn't it?"

Ol' Shellhead: Coming to a Theatre Near You!

I'm much more of a DC boy than I am a Marvel boy...

...but I have to say...

...this looks friggin' incredible!

Here it is - - the first trailer for the IRON MAN movie...


The casting of Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark / Iron Man is inspired!

Who better to play a wildly brilliant man with severe substance abuse issues than a wildly brilliant man with substance abuse issues?

"Virtually Impotent"

On FOX News Sunday, the White House's chief homeland security adviser Frances Townsend had the following to say about Al Qaeda and, more specifically, about Osama bin Laden and his recently released video tape...

"There's nothing overtly obvious in the tape that would suggest this is a trigger for an attack.

"We know that Al Qaeda is still determined to attack, and we take it seriously. But this tape appears to be nothing more than threats. It's propaganda on their part.

"This is about the best he can do.

"This is a man on a run, from a cave, who's virtually impotent other than these tapes."

- White House chief homeland security adviser Frances Townsend

Hey, Frances. Six years ago tomorrow, this "virtually impotent" man arranged to have U.S. planes hijacked and flown into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.

Six years ago tomorrow, this "virtually impotent" man killed thousands of American citizens.

This "virtually impotent" man is hard to miss since he is 6 feet, four inches tall and probably is in need of frequent dialysis because of kidney disease and still, the United States government CAN'T FIND HIM AND BRING HIM TO JUSTICE FOR WHAT HE DID TO OUR PEOPLE AND OUR NATION.

If he's so fucking impotent, Frances, go get him and make him pay for killing thousands of our own six years ago tomorrow.

Until you find him, shut your fucking face about his "impotence."

And by the way, "overtly obvious" is redundant. Do any of you Bushies know how to fucking talk now that Rove is gone?

I Wonder How They'll Look In Purple Lycra...

Ummmm... have y'all heard about this?

Maggie Gyllenhaal - - currently filming THE DARK KNIGHT where she plays the role of Rachael Dawes...

...you know... the role played by Katie "I Married A Gay Man And All I Got Was This Lousy Pan-Asian Baby" Holmes in BATMAN BEGINS...

...has allegedly been approached to appear in another highly anticipated superhero big screen blockbuster, THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA.

This movie has barely made it past the typing out of the title page of the first draft and we've already got crazy casting rumors like this?!? JLA: THE MOVIE is so far from production that Tom Cruise will be on his third beard by the time it opens.

What role would Maggie play in the JLA? Well, not a big one, so don't excited. Unless you've got a thing for shape-shifting identical twins who have to touch hands and say "Activate!" to initiate their powers.

Yep, that's right. Rumor has it that Maggie will join her uber-hot brother Jake to appear in the JLA movie as Zan and Jayna - - The Wonder Twins.

The Wonder Twins? Come on, guys. There are already WAY too many characters to follow for those who have no knowledge of the JLA.

I mean, Lawrence Fishbourne is rumored to be the first casting choice for The Martian Manhunter and just explaining the whole Green Martians / White Martians thing will be insane.

And when you add the issue of that character's various names - - forget it! I can hear the non-fanboys in the audience now: "Wait, is he John Jones or J'onn J'onzz or The Martian Manhunter? Who the fuck IS this guy, anyway?"

Do we really need to add characters created for "The All-New Super Friends Hour" when we've got Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Green Lantern, The Flash, Aquaman and the aforementioned Martian Manhunter?!?

Not to mention other possible JLAers like Hawkman, Hawkgirl, The Atom, Green Arrow, Black Canary, Captain Marvel, Elongated Man and Zatanna. Geez...

That's a lot of rubber & lyrca combo supersuits for one 2 hour movie, y'all.

If you're gonna go with Super Friends tag-alongs, why not go with the originals - - Wendy and Marvin!? Yeah, I know - - whether it's Zan and Jayna or Wendy and Marvin, the "Suck Factor" is still incredibly high.


Still, the thought of Jake Gyllenhaal playing Zan contains so many...

...possibilities...


Go with my horny mind for a second...


Since Zan's power is the ability to change into any form of water, I'm getting the mental image of me spending hours and hours in a hot, sexy bath filled with "Zan Gyllenhaal water".


Picture it: Jake greets me at the door after a hard day of work, leads me into the bathroom, takes off all of my clothes with his teeth (it could happen), lays me down in the tub and whispers in my ear...

"Form of a hot, orgasmic bubble bath."

Oh, to be bathed in Jake Gyllenhaal. MMMMmmmmm...

This Wonder Twin idea isn't that bad after all.

But who the Hell is going to play Gleek?

I have a suggestion...


P.S. Ryan Reynolds is rumored to be the first choice for The Flash.

Yes. Yes. Oh, and this just in - - YES!

I mean, look at Mr. Reynolds here...

I love a man who has abs I can shave with.

And maybe those abs won't cut my facial hair, but hey, rubbing my cheeks on that stomach will definitely make shaving a Hell of a lot more fun!

But the rumored choice to play The Batman?

Ben Stiller.

Yeah. THAT Ben Stiller.

Uh huh. Not so much...

Mr. Gunn: Flip Flops - Pro or Con?

Today on CBS News Sunday Morning, style guru and My New Imaginary Boyfriend Tim Gunn was interviewed about the dreaded footwear that just ain't going away no matter what we do...

The Flip Flop

Right out of the gate, he had this to say...

"I would that it goes hand in hand with 'Get thee to a pedicurist!'"

After discussing how the flip flop is embedded in our culture and here to stay, no matter who wears them to The White House, the show makes mention of extremely high-end flip flops.

There's a $850 pair made by Dolce & Gabbana, or these by Havaianas with a strap that is inlaid with diamonds and 1,636 feathers made out of 18 karat gold that cost - - and this is the truth - - the "actual retail price" as Bob Barker used to say - - $19,840!!

My last CAR didn't cost that much!

Do you know how many hustlers you can buy with $19,840?!?

Well, I don't but Ted Haggard does...

Anyway, Charles Kuralt mentions in the voice over that, when they're that expensive, you mustn't refer to them as a flip flop.

Mr. Gunn responded with...

"You spent HOW MUCH for a FLIP FLOP?!?"

"Once it becomes embellished and dressed up, people start to refer to it as a 'sandal'"

(He lets out a HUGE laugh)

"So, they take it out of the "flip flop genre" or they try to, but once a flip flop, always a flip flop."

Marry me, Tim Gunn. Marry me.

Failing that, can I be the next Andrè?

Please?

"Where the Hell is my chiffon?!?"

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #9

This week's entries were fewer, but as I say with regards to the men I sleep with, "Quality and not quantity."

Did anybody believe that?

Brilliant entries, but two really made me cackle. I mean, "cackle." You know, that crazy-assed, quasi-"Witchiepoo" laugh that I share with Paula Deen. Yeah, THAT cackle.

Well, it's tough deciding a winner between these two, but my First Runner-Up this week goes to my newfound blogger pal, Shirley Heezgay who submitted this brilliant caption...

"Wooden Crucifix: $7.95
Raver Whistle: $3.99
Backwards Vintage John Deere Cap: $9.99
Sight of dirty yellowed tube sock on your friend's non-existent penis:
You just saved about $4.95 at CVS on Ipecac Syrup."

Brilliantly funny because it's TRUE!!! Come on - - Sock Boy's penis IS non-existent.

But once again this week, I have to crown Jer from "you're being ridiculous" as the winner for his Hollywood reference level...

"Ladies and Gentlemen...Harvey Weinstein has done it again.
This time with Weekend at Bernies III...
Bernie's back and this time he's GAY!"

Love it, Jer. LOVE IT!!!

I thought I would go back to a little category that I call "real-life superheroes" - - not because these ARE superheroes, but because they are real folks in bad, superhero garb. And like the sitcom blurbs always say, "Let the hilarity ensue!"

Here's the picture for My Favorite Caption Contest Week #9...


What IS that between The Flash's legs?

Did Lex Luthor snatch Kal-El's supersuit?

Or did he and Supes get dressed in the dark after a homo-Kryptonian bootycall and now Clark is walking around Metropolis in that purple and green, lame-assed battlesuit of Lex's?

When did the JLA pick up this random, lace-covered "God, I'm so DRUNK!," Groupie Girl whose eyes look like two piss holes in the snow?

And what happened to Aquaman? Did he EAT the rest of the Justice League or something? Swimmer's build? I don't think so...

And Aquaman's got brown hair now! And he's wearing it in a faux-hawk like he's one of us pickle-kissers or something! What the fuck is going on?!?

Lots to work with, right? Give 'em a caption, folks.

Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, September 14th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

Since when did Aquaman start carrying around that Triton pitchfork thingy? And he's got a beer AND a cup? What? Aquaman's a "two-fister?" Geez...

The Joans at Jackhammer

I just got in from see THE JOANS at Jackhammer as a part of the Flesh Hungry Dog Show and I have to say - - this is THE band to be following in Chicago right now!


From brand new songs like "Faye Dunaway" and "The Boys and the Booze" to songs that I heard at THE JOANS premiere performance like "Joan Wins" and (my personal favorite) "Mad at the Dirt," this band is a crowd pleaser...

...No, that doesn't do them justice...

This band makes the crowd scream! And dance uncontrollably. They make us brilliantly happy and you must, Must, MUST attend one of their shows if you're in town! They are the new "It" band.

My favorite moment of the night came when "Davy Joans" said..

"You know, a few minutes ago a reporter asked me what I thought and how I would describe the marriage between the Jackhammer and The Joans. I told him I thought it was a hell of a match!"

Who else in this town could take a line from MOMMIE DEAREST, substitute a couple of words and make a bar crowd roar with delight? Nobody.

Only THE JOANS.

Congrats to all of my buddies in THE JOANS - - especially David, Aaron, Jen and Ed.

I will definitely be one of the fans standing outside of your Hollywood home when you all win your first Oscar... or Grammy... whichever entertainment world you tackle first!

500 Days

I just noticed the Countdown on my iGoogle page...


I wonder how big this will grow in the time he has left?

A Successful FLIP FLOP

On the Monday, August 27th, I sang at an incredible benefit at Sidetrack for the About Face Youth Theatre Project.

We raised $9,000 for the gay & lesibian youth theatre. WOOHOO!!

The show was called FLIP FLOP because men sang women's songs and vice versa.


Here's me and the brilliantly talented Beckie Menzie and Honey West! Ain't we cute?

When Amy Matheny told me the gimmick to the show - - men singing women's songs and all that - - I thought, "Yeah, and?"

I mean, if you've ever seen me perform or heard me sing, you know that I've been singing women's songs since age 7 when I took my father's t-shirt, pulled the neck down just below my shoulders and did the Olivia Newton-John track in both "Summer Lovin'" and "You're The One That I Want" from GREASE, much to the horror of both of my parents.

And I knew there would be power ballads sung by both men and women from the cast of WICKED, SPELLING BEE, the Marriott Lincolnshire production of THE PRODUCERS and so on, so I really had to pull out my "A Game" here.

So, what did I end up singing? "Poor, Unfortunate Souls" - - Ursula, the Sea Witch's song from THE LITTLE MERMAID. Pat Carroll, eat your heart out.

I did all the dialogue leading-up-to and in-the-middle-of the song. And y'all, I was a hit!

Not that you can tell that "I was a hit" or that I was singing "Poor, Unfortunate Souls" or that I was doing anything other than having a conniption fit from these event photos.

As you can tell, I'm very subdued when I sing...

...very subdued...

Oy...

Jeff Loves RAGTIME

I knew it would happen. I knew it.

My brilliantly talented friend, Charissa Armon, has been nominated for Joseph Jefferson Award in the category of "Actress in a Principal Role - Musical" for her breathtaking performance as "Mother" in Porchlight Music Theatre's production of RAGTIME.

If you didn't see Charissa as "Mother," you missed one of the most passionate, most poetic and most perfect performances seen in Chicago musical theatre in years. Congratulations, Charissa!

In addition, my buddy Walter Stearns has been nominated for "Director - Musical" and my pal Eugene Dizon has been nominated for "Musical Direction" - - both for RAGTIME!

And my other RAGTIME friends Jayson Brooks and Aaron Graham have nominated as "Actor in a Principal Role - Musical" and "Actor in a Supporting Role - Musical," respectively.

To these RAGTIME-ers and to all of my other friends nominated for Jeff Awards for their past season of work, CONGRATULATIONS!! I will see you at the awards ceremony on Monday, October 29th!

P.S. Charissa: Just because you're a big musical theatre star now doesn't mean you can skip drinking with Master Aaron, John and me!!! We've got your number, baby!!

GGY-Meta

Everyone should take up TMI Tuesday.

I just last week started commenting on the TMI Tuesday blog that I had my answers "up" and several TMI bloggers checked out my answers - - one very cool one in particular...

Check out GGY-Meta: Tina Anderson's Blog. This woman's work is incredible! She's written some great work and I have only BEGUN to explore her stuff. I can't wait to read more!!

Her words, combined with the art in her books, makes me as moist as a snack cake down there.

Yum.

Fratboy Friday

Well, yesterday was a truly Craptastic Day. Thanks to Master Aaron and John for taking me to Crew, buying me dinner and inundating me with tall vodka cranberry after tall vodka cranberry. I needed that.

You know what I need to get me in a better mood? Another Fratboy Friday.

Here are this week's...

BOYS IN CAPS

I have a name for guys like this. I call them "Humpy MotherFuckers."

Several times a day, Philip and I can be heard walking down Broadway screaming...

"Baby, look at that Humpy MotherFucker!"

It's a little Term of Endearment. For people we want to blow.

****

SAGGERS

I know that this boy is probably not a "sagger" in the traditional sense (traditional? saggers have a "tradition" now?!?!), because his shorts aren't sagging to show his boxers.

But does anyone really mind if those shorts sag to reveal the most beautiful ass known to Man and God? I doubt it?

Besides, it's the perfect segue into...

****

MOONERS

I love this picture! It looks like these boys just HAPPENED to pull the backs of their shorts down, were casually chatting about "The Big Game" - - or whatever "straight" guys who will sleep with you after half a draft beer talk about - - and then turn around coyly and say...

"Stephen, what are you doing with that camera? You dirty boy. Well, you know what your punishment is. Alright, dudes - - Bukkake Time!"

Yeah. Like that's punishment for me.

But speaking of "'straight' guys who will sleep with you after half a draft beer,' it's time for...

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Everything - - and I mean EVERYTHING - - about this pic reminds me of "back home."

The caption should simply say, "East Tennessee."

I love the Redneck Boys. The redder the better.

President Bush Playing

Don't fuck with Keith Olbermann.

Watch this. All of it. Now.

Fred's First Lady

Well, he finally did it. Fred Thompson finally announced that he is a candidate for the Republican Presidential nomination.

Even though Fred is a good ol' boy from my home state, I don't really care about him, his politics or his candidacy, but I do love one thing about him...

His wife. Check her out!


Yep, folks, that's Jeri Kehn, Fred Thompson's wife - - the bloated, splotchy, "looks like an ex-JUGS MAG model," "Two Dollar stripper," white trash, beer waitress who COULD BE our future First Lady.

And I love her! And she OBVIOUSLY adores Fred. Look at her LEERING at him...

If I didn't know that Fred was a politician and a big ol' star on LAW & ORDER, I would think that look she's giving him means that Fred is packin'.

Fred packin'. I know. It made me lose my wood, too.

But y'all - - look at those tits!!! Can you imagine THOSE in the Oval Office?!?!?

And those White House insiders thought Hillary was Hellish?!?! Wait till Jeri - - yeah, that's "Jeri" with an "i" that she probably dots with a heart - - gets in there!

Why do I hear the lyrics to Gretchen Wilson's REDNECK WOMAN in my head when I look at Jeri? Hmmm.....

Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay

Last night, Eric told Philip and me a story where this sentence was used over and over again...

"My perjama's been worrying me some..."

And I told them about this new segment on THE SOUP entitled...

Oprah's Va-Jay-Jay

Now you know what a "perjama" is, don't you?

I mean, after you hear Oprah say, "My Va-Jay-Jay is painin'," everything comes into focus, doesn't it?

Oh, that Joel McHale. I love me some Joel McHale. Mmmm.....

Blockade Boy

This morning on the bus ride downtown, I was reading my new INSTINCT MAGAZINE and came across a little blurb about a fun, comic book blogger named Blockade Boy who, as it says in the INSTINCT article...

"...dissects comic book fashion even more bitchily than Mr. Blackwell."

Loves it. LOVES IT!!!

The blog is by Jeremy Rizza and after a quick scan of the site, it's now one of my favorites!

I just clicked around a bit and found this section of his post from February 7, 2007 about one of my favorite Golden Age superheroes, LIBERTY BELLE.

And again, these are Blockade Boy's words, not mine... and they are brilliant...

"Nobody could rock lemon-yellow jodphurs like Liberty Belle. She was tall enough that it didn't make her ass look big. And her hair was always gorgeous. It's just a shame about her face, huh? She was often mistaken for a thoroughbred Creamello filly, which explains the time I saw a policeman mounting her in Central Park.

"You'll notice she doesn't wear a mask. Which makes zero sense, considering she doesn't wear a wig or glasses or nothing in her civilian identity. I think we can thank Roy Thomas for the mask idea. (Finally, something I can thank Thomas for.)

"Golly, but her face sure looks familiar. Where have I seen it before? That harsh, bony face, that mane of blonde hair...

"Holy shit! It's Super Ann Coulter!"

-Blockade Boy

See what I mean? Brilliant! Friggin' brilliant!

Check out Blockade Boy. I'm in love with him!!

"Supergirl! SUPERGIRL!"

Just in case there are any straight boys who read ARE YOU THERE, BLOG?...

...are there any straight boys reading this?... nah...

Well, for all of the lesbians (if any) who read ARE YOU THERE, BLOG?...

Don't say I never gave you anything...

Here she is: the new Supergirl - - Kara from this season's SMALLVILLE...

Pretty damn hot, huh? They got the costume right. I mean, she IS wearing a belly shirt.

The Supergirl episode entitled "Kara" airs October 4th on the CW. Check here for more pics.

FYI: The title of this post is my homage to Faye Dunaway's horrific line reading of "Supergirl! SUPERGIRL!" in the film version of - - you guessed it - - SUPERGIRL!

Joy Behar Tells It Like It Is!

Well, we thought that it was going to be boring after Rosie left and maybe it won't have the same chutzpah, but once again, Joy Behar tells it like it is!


This is from today's episode of THE VIEW and Joy is talking about, you guessed it, Senator Larry Craig...

"The reason that people are on his case is because of the hypocrisy.

"This is a man who was vehemently anti-gay.

"He's against gay marriage. He's against protection in the workplace for gay people. This is it!

"Mark Foley, the one who was going after the Pages - - another hypocrite.

"Ted Haggard, the preacher - - another hypocrite.

"It's like, all of a sudden, all of the people who are against gay marriage and against gay rights, let's just assume they're gay, okay!"

- Joy Behar

Joy Behar - - I love you! Preach, sister, PREACH!!!

TMI Tuesday

After today's earlier post, how about something a little less controversial... like TMI Tuesday!

1. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?

I had a salad.

Of course, this was after a liquid lunch of never-ending Cosmos at Aaron and John's Memorial Day party, so don't think just because I had a salad for dinner I treat my body like a temple.

I treat my body like a whorehouse.

A whorehouse that just happens to look like a temple.


2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now?

Well, "right now" is almost 10:00 p.m. and I just got in from dinner with Eric and Philip at Halsted's Bar & Grill and then late night ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery, so there ain't NOTHIN' in my wallet but a debit card, a CTA Chicago Card Plus and the personal card of a boy I met on the bus... who was very cute... very, very, very cute...


3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn't like?

So few men flirt with me - - it's usually less coy than "flirting" and more along the lines of "You wanna?" Still, I rarely look a gift horse in the mouth - - whatever the fuck that means...

Someone coming on way too strong, however, always turns me off and I usually just say that I have an early day in the morning and leave like a gentleman. People who have known me for a long time know that the best way to get me to NOT do something is to try and push me into it.

I don't like being pushed, being told what to do or being told that I "need to do" this or that.

A boy I recently went on a date with sent me a ton of text messages one night and when I called him to stop the frenzy of texts...

...well, first he acted shocked that I was calling even though we had been texting each other for about 20 minutes!!!...

...but when I told him that I couldn't text anymore because I only get 100 text messages a month, his response was...

"Oh, you need a better plan."

My reply...

"No. I need you to stop text messaging me."

I don't NEED to do anything but die and pay taxes, as my Daddy used to say.


4. Do you believe the theory "Once a cheater always a cheater"?

No, but I do believe that if you get him through him cheating on his significant other to be with you, then when he's your significant other... well... you do the math.


5. Describe your sex life in two words.

Kinky bitch.

And nothing quite says "Kinky bitch" like this picture of Tom Welling from God-only-knows what episode of SMALLVILLE.

Well, there are other "Kinky bitch" pictures that I could post, but, as Master Aaron says, "it would shock the children."


Bonus (as in optional): Would you/have you ever paid money for sex?

I haven't ever and won't ever pay for sex.

Now, have I ever BEEN PAID for sex? Well, you didn't ask me that, now did you?

Fag

Fag.

Fag.

Fag, fag, fag, fag, fag.

Faggot. Faggie. Faggie-assed. Fag-Lovin' Faggoty Fag.

F. A. G.

FAG!!!

That's the word, folks. It's not "The F Word." It's not "The OTHER F Word." It's not "A Derogatory Term for Homosexuals." It's fag. A word.

And as I see it, if Jerry Lewis - - in his 18th straight hour on live television raising money for muscular dystrophy - - makes a joke that uses a word - - like fag - - that hurts your feelings, GROW THE FUCK UP!

This isn't the playground anymore. Jerry Lewis isn't a homophobe. He didn't call for a ban on gay marriage. He didn't say that God Hates Fags. He didn't say that we all were sick and immoral. He said a word...

Fag.

I am not afraid of that word. I AM that word. I am a fag.

I'm more afraid of people who tie up Matthew Shepard to a fence, pistol-whip him and leave him for dead.

But Jerry Lewis saying the word fag, doesn't scare me. It doesn't upset me. It doesn't hurt me.

Because I'm an adult. Grow up and get a life.

Walk With Me. Walk With WICKED

As I mentioned a little while ago, I am the Captain for Season of Concern's AIDS Walk Team 2007.

The Walk is only two weeks away now, but recently several friends have sent in pledges for me personally...

...Thank you David, Eugene & Wally, Alanda, Rhoda, Kristie and everyone else for their GENEROUS pledges...

And several friends have joined Season of Concern's Team...

..."Master Aaron," Ben, Maria, Philip, Jodi- - THANK YOU!!!

And this week, some our team gained some INCREDIBLE new members when some of...

...wait for it, wait for it...

The Chicago Cast of WICKED Join
Season of Concern's AIDS Walk Team!

Not only did longtime Season of Concern supporter, Don Richard, of Chicago WICKED fame join our team - - he also asked around in the cast! As of today, we will be walking with...

Erin Mackey
Chicago WICKED's Glinda!!

Summer Naomi Smart

Chicago WICKED's Nessarose!!!

Dee Roscioli

Chicago WICKED's Elphaba!!!

Alongside fabulous WICKED cast member
Marisa Field and PSM Leigh Catlett!!!

You SO want to walk the AIDS Walk on Season of Concern's Team, don't you!?!?

Come on. Join the team. Maybe Ms. Roscioli will sing a little bit of DEFYING GRAVITY with you as we walk. Or maybe she and Ms. Mackey will sing FOR GOOD after we cross the finish line.

How friggin' cool would that be?!?!?

To join the SOC Team or to pledge me in the Walk, go here and type in "Stephen Rader" in the search field. The site will guide you through the rest.

Some Skinny Blonde Chicks

I am SO EXCITED to announce that a frequent provider of BRILLIANT comments here on ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? has started her own blog!!!! Today! Friggin' TODAY!!!!

So, be sure to add it to your subscriptions, visit it and give her lots of love. She's wonderful and even though we've never met, I have a deep affection for this woman.

Her blog is THAT SKINNY BLONDE CHICK.

You love it already, right?

And speaking of skinny blonde chicks, I just downloaded Dolly Parton's brand new song on iTunes - - YOU BETTER GET TO LIVIN' - - and I love it!!

Yeah, I know. Stephen is in love with a Dolly Parton song.

Shock.

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #8

Once again, the entries were HILARIOUS and once again, too many of them made me truly laugh out loud to just pick one winner.

So this week, I'm going with two runners- up (runner-ups? runner-uppers?) - - not in any order, because both are genius.

One is from last week's winner, Philip...

There once was a laddie from Greenland
Who's penis was shaped like a green hand.
He'd squeeze like a fist
With his foreskin-ed wrist,
And punch you right into a dream land.

You can't go wrong with a limerick, can you?

The other is from my good friend Whim over at "The Babblings of Whimsicalnbrainpan"...

"Instead of going blind as he was told he would, something totally unexpected happened when Rick spent too much time playing with himself."

Ah, the side effects of too much masturbation combined with over-exposure of gamma radiation. It's uglier than Restless Leg Syndrome, isn't it?

Brilliant captions, but for this weeks' winner, I had to go with Jer from "you're being ridiculous," whose submission combined superhero marketing with the sex toy industry - - a combo that I wish truly existed...

"Wow! These superhero pocket pussies really do take it to the next level!"

If that phrase isn't the EXACT expression BEAMING from that boy's face, then Larry Craig really IS straight.

And Tom Cruise really IS Suri's father.

And Britney really IS a good parent.

Shall I go on?

For this Week #8's Caption Contest picture, I'm going with an image that I posted last week in the ARE YOU THERE, BLOG's first ever FRATBOY FRIDAY.

I think this pic could use a little backstory... an explanation... a caption telling us all exactly WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON... something...

So much to work with in this picture... so much...

Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, September 7th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

And if you haven't already done so, check out Shirley Heezgay's CAPTION THIS. This week's pic is truly bizarre and I love it!!

THE ONION Tackles Larry Craig

THE ONION does it again...

"I don't have any problem with his behavior, as long as he wasn't trying to marry the guy."

If that doesn't echo the current American opinion of homosexuality, I don't know what does.

What Larry Craig Was Really Thinking

There are a ton of these floating around right now. Several of them are brilliant.

Like the one that Alex posted earlier in the week.

Or the one that Bob posted yesterday.

But this one that I just found had me SCREAMING with laughter. And I mean screaming!



I don't know Steve H. Graham, but I love any man who combines references to Lance Bass, Bette Midler's Sophie Tucker jokes and Rock Hudson in PILLOW TALK alongside pictures of Faye Dunaway's "No Wire Hangers" scene in MOMMIE DEAREST with "Gay Dancing Spider-Man" thrown in for good measure!!

Well done, Mr. Graham. Well done.

Oh, and by the way, is ANYBODY buying Larry's whole "wide stance" excuse?

Doesn't "stance" imply "standing?"

And we all know Larry wasn't standing. He was on his knees.

The lying, filthy, nasty-assed, hypocritical cocksucker.