Thursday, October 15, 2009

"I Could Say, 'Life Is Just a Bowl of Jell-O...'"

It took me quite awhile, but it's definitely official - - I've given in to the pop culture cult that is Facebook.

Make no mistake, it is a cult. And I'm loving it. I drank the Cool-Aid and afterward, I said, "Please, Sir. May I have some more?"

But there are still things that I dislike about The Faceplace. Plenty of things. Which is why this is probably going to be the first of a three-part post. Possibly four. Possibly more. ("So, they call me a cockeyed PESSimist...")

The first of my current Faceplace peeves (and I'm sure this will piss some people off) is the breakfast/lunch/dinner status update - - those Facebookers who post overly detailed status updates about the food they're preparing or eating or what have you. Updates like...

"Mike Hunt
is looking forward to tapas tonight. YUM!"


"Connie Lingus is sauteing the mushrooms for her world famous spaghetti sauce! Watch out noodles, here she comes!"

It's like an online version of Rachel Ray's "Yummo!" Gross.

So many Faceplacers do it, though. They LOVE to talk about food. But you know, if you're going to tell me about how you're perving out to something that is or will soon be going down your throat, I would rather read about a very different kind of Italian sausage. (Different, but VERY enjoyable)

When I read status updates like the ones above, I think that this "friend" of mine needs to spend some SERIOUS time with an extra-large vibrator, two bottles of Wet Plantinum and an assortment of George Clooney DVDs if, day after day, the comings and goings of their digestive system is the most fascinating thing they have to share with the world.

That's harsh, I'm sorry that it's harsh and I'm SURE that there are SEVERAL people who would rather burn out their retinas with a heating element than read one more status update from me about "The Theatuh." Some people care a great deal about food, how it's cooked and what a sous-chef actually does, but I'm not a foodie and just don't understand it. No, I might possibly understand it if I was in the kitchen with the person, but I don't know how I'm supposed to enjoy this "virtual food" that they're describing to me.

As Philip said at the top of the first ever episode of "Top Chef," "I can't taste the food, so why do I care." (Plus, there's no Tim Gunn and no Nina Garcia, so I'm out.)

Maybe it's not them at all. Maybe, I'm just a bit of a grouch. Okay, I'm probably a lot of a grouch.

It's like a bunch of my friends are singing the opening number of "Oliver!" and I'm waiting in the wings to sing "That's Your Funeral." Same show, but very different.

Before anyone says it, yes I did make a status update about going to Paula Deen's restaurant when I was on vacation last month, but that food is something that I am only able to enjoy once every two or three years.

It's different. It's Paula. It's butter.

Don't be hatin' on me and my love for Paula, bitch.

It's deep and it's real. It's the junk in my trunk. Literally. So, BACK IT UP!


Michael Rivers said...

I've been able to resist facebook almost all together. When I first joined, I really liked it--but got bored very very fast. Now I log on to post the link to my current blog and then I'm gone. I guess I'm not a good facebook friend. LOL.

Incase you're curious, right now I'm eating bite size Hershey bars!

Missie said...

I've only given into the facebook craze a couple of weeks ago and I'm already addicted!LOL

Anonymous said...

Oh, sexy boy, for the first time, I have to disagree with you. I'm a foodie, and French food currently fills in the gap in my heart that would otherwise be taken by a boyfriend. So yes, you will hear menu updates from me when the opportunity arises. In return, I promise to cook for you when that opportunity arises :)

Java said...

I have a craving for some brownies or chocolate pudding or something, but I'm not actually eating anything. Not that you care, or that I'd bother telling anyone but you because it's this blog comment.

I check facebork every so often. I post an update maybe twice a week. I much prefer the blogs, but so many people are leaving blogland to post about their food choices in the third person. meh

philip said...

So you finally got into facebook?
Here's me and John Cordone at the top of the virtual stairs, naked and shaking our heads, saying,
"Well, look who finally decided to show up. . "

Mike Ellis, The Jolly Reprobate said...

It seems appropriate that I read this while waiting for Facebook to open. (It takes FOREVER sometimes!)

Project Christopher said...

1. Girl, you've been on Facebook a WHILE touting that little job of yours. Don't act like you FINALLY gave in....
2. You said it yourself... Food - Theater... watch what you post, we'll be keeping score
3. I do agree with you. The ones I hate are 'going through my presentation, meeting with clients then going home to take a dump'. Yeah, this is Facebook, not your damn Dayplanner.

Mike said...

Sometimes I get confused and I think Paula Deen is really your mom. Like for a second when I see a picture of Paula posted here, I think "that's a nice picture of Stephen's mom"

It isn't really triggered by any sort of physical resemblance. I think it's more of a spiritual thing involving two Southern women who you love and I think are pretty awesome.

Anyway, I think Facebooking about your special meal in Savannah is totally okay. Because it's special. That's the operative word.
People can post about any little thing as long as they do it in an interesting way. Food posts, traveling on the train posts, taking a dump posts they can all be compelling if done creatively. But just because one is doing them doesn't make them worthwhile.

And yes, you CAN be creative in 140 characters or less. If you can't, then don't bother updating your status if you want me to keep reading what you write.

Oops that's Twitter. I'm so behind the times. But you get my point.

Stephen said...

I did a Facebook page in April when I was was sick with Noro-Virus (don't ever get it, believe me) & within 12 hours I had been "friended" by 18 people from grade school (I was popular)...
I actually love it, but I did get a friends request from a handsome guy, who I thought- "hmm...I don't know him, but sure". I accepted & asked him how we might know each other. I was so embarrassed when he wrote back that we had had sex.
Another special moment.

Bea said...

Stephen, one time my mom called me and said, "Honey...why do you have so many status updates about cookies? It doesn't look that good." Oh the joys of having your mother as a Facebook friend.