Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

He's a bad boy. But apparently, only from behind.

Does that mean his front side is strictly vanilla and uber-boring in bed?

Or is he trying to de-emphasize his miniature penis with that large, thug-inspired tat?

No, I'll bet he's a total bottom and also (ironically) hung like a horse on growth

hormones and trying to keep the focus on his "bad boy" ass. Trying to hide his candy.

So no one will whine and beg for it.

Which is why, if I was a total bottom (shut up... don't say it... I said shut up!), I would get the same tattoo on my back. See how hard it is to figure out how to live with a huge penis?

****

SAGGERS

It's not easy to give the camera that much testosterone-infused

intensity when you're standing in front of a wallpaper border that

almost makes Holly Hobbie look like Lady Gaga...

But Mr. Joe Boxer McGunShow here really pulled it off.

(That's not all I'll bet he could pull off...)

****

MOONERS

Mama was right! You CAN buy just about ANYTHING

at those new Super Walmarts...

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

"Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane..."

You know? That song from the musical "Chicago"? I think this is their staging of it.

This is what would happen if only straight men did musical theatre. All of it - - the direction, design, costumes, etc. This is the kind of show we'd be watching.

Young, dumb and full of cum, tight-bodied, drunken, naked college boys singing showtunes

and putting on musical theatre performances...

You don't ever have to do a Google search for "Stephen's Idea of Heaven."

You just read it.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #45

Okay, here's the deal...

I will be more attentive to my little caption contest and will A) choose a winner for each contest and then B) post a new picture for everyone to caption in a timely fashion (a.k.a. "before Halley's comet returns")

That's not a New Year's resolution. It's not a promise. It's not even a goal. It's just something I'm going to put out into the universe with the hope that somehow, it will magically become true, even though I will do absolutely nothing to make that happen. (Ooo, I am callin' me out, ain't I?)

I think certain people call that "prayer." Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Now, the last picture I posted for the #44 Caption Contest (back in July - - don't think of me as lazy, think of the contest as bi-annual) was bizarre little comic-con photo that once again provided Philip with the ultimate canvas for another brilliant caption...

"There were a few touch-and-go years there

when Drew Barrymore would date ANYTHING!"

A brilliantly funny caption that works on so many different levels, none of which I am able to explain. I just know that it's funny. Like the letter "k." And the word "pleather." And Glenn Beck crying.

Speaking of huge dicks, here's the picture for the #45 Caption Contest...

I don't know what IT is, I don't know who HE is, but I do know that if I saw something like that dangling out of a wall, I would do exactly what this man is doing...

I'd touch it. And if it started getting bigger, I'd marry it.

"Miss Teschmacher!"

My friend Michael sent me a link to some new pics at Exterface with a simple message...

"I'm sure you've seen this but just in case..."

Actually, I hadn't seen these new superhero pics (Thank you, Michael!), but as hot as they are, they don't hold a candle to their earlier Robin pics.

Sure, this guys is hot and all, but in that Bedazzled eye patch, he looks a little too "Arlene Francis on 'What's My Line'" for me.

And as much as I love Arlene, she never really turned my knob, if you know what I mean.

"It's Family Helping Family"

Check out my good friend Alexandra Billings' brand new YouTube video for Season of Concern.

What is Season of Concern? I think Alex breaks down the work we do at Season of Concern in a wonderful way when she says...

"It's more than just an organization,
it's family helping family."

Thank you so much, Alex!

"Tap Your Troubles Away"

You know, it wasn't that long ago that the straight, American public could have watched the commercial below and would have had no idea why it would make their gay friends chuckle.

Their gay friends into tea room trade, that is.

This reminds me of my friend Jessica Hallem's very funny bit she says in her standup gigs. About the lesbian version of a glory hole. Jessica says...

"On one side, I'd put my ear,
and on the other side somebody whispers something like,
'You're so pretty.'"

Hilarious.

"Victor Won the Three-Legged Race All By Himself"

Look at one of the gifts that Bryant gave me for Christmas.

Isn't it wonderful when someone gives you a gift you can actually use?

Finally, a self-help book for people like me.

With chapters like...

"Upzipping:
Coming Out to Your Friends and Family"

...and...

"Sharing Your Pain:
Sexual Intercourse with a Huge Penis"

...this is the gift that keeps on giving.

Similar to my...

Well, you get the idea.

Fratboy Friday

New Years Eve at the end of a decade that coincides with a Full Moon... Oy...

I'll bet you...

BOYS IN CAPS

...finally made it to a party after each one of your friends
called you and played the Milli Vanilli cover of
"What Are You Doing New Year's Eve"...




****




SAGGERS

...drank just enough to rip off your shirt as the ball dropped,
but weren't so trashed that you found a Depends Undergarment
in the bathroom cabinet, put it on, and played Baby New Year...

And then asked random people to change you...

And then had some of them take you up on it...

No, that didn't happen... Did it?...




****





SAGGERS

...woke up sometime before dawn to a
very interesting buffet...

...and demanded seconds...




****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

...and this afternoon, when you woke up naked in a forest preserve,
you were lucky enough to find a bottle big enough to cover both
Mr. Happy AND The Boys during your cross county, naked Walk of Shame.

Well done, you! Happy New Year!

"We've Beem Yanked... Good and Hard!"

Rob at Seduced by the New... posted this "New Teen Titans"-post "Judas Contract" panel a little while ago, and I have to pass it on for two reasons:

1) To continue my tradition of showing non-comic book fans that not all the crazy in the universe comes from "The Wendy Williams Show," and...

2) Because, in an uber-random and bizarre way, it describes the cough and cold that I brought back to Chicago from my Christmas visit in Tennessee.

Not that a cold or a cough is anywhere near as enjoyable as being "yanked... good and hard!" or "shooting," whether you shoot first, last or mid-ménage, but...

Sometime in the mid-afternoon on the day before my flight back to Chicago, I started getting a sore throat and felt achy all over.

And as the symptoms started hitting me, I kept thinking about Christmas night, sitting on the couch with my step-cousin's beautiful, four year old daughter. I remembered the two of us laughing hysterically when she would use my face - - not her hand, but my face- - every time she let out a hacking cough.

Yes, she would feel the cough coming on, put her face in mine and then cough. And then laugh.

No, that's not true. Then, we would BOTH laugh. Hard.

The me that's sick now honestly has no idea why that was funny. But it was. I hadn't had a drop of vodka in days and still, it was "ROFLMAO" funny. I blame it on all that damn holiday joy and goodwill.

You see, my trip back home this past Christmas really picked up my spirits, so maybe - - just maybe - - my heart did that Grinch thing and "grew three sizes" that night.

And maybe - - just maybe - - when your heart grows three sizes bigger, your brain equals the playing field by dumping your I.Q. down below the Sarah Palin level.

I mean, on Christmas night, my heart might have grown so large that I believed Africa was a country!

Regardless of why I laughed, I laughed. I laughed while a little girl coughed in my face, over and over, passing on her cold to me. She's not to blame, though; I'm the one who should have known better.

And so, right now, I sound like Brenda Vaccaro hawking Playtex Tampons...

..after gargling with Epsom salts.

...mixed with some kerosene...

...and a few rusty razor blades.

And all of that - - the illness, the sound of my voice, the fact that I was so stupid to enjoy a child coughing over and over in my face - - makes me feel, in the words of Nightwing, like I've been "yanked... good and hard!"

Insert masturbation jokes here.

"Insert." That's funny...

"I've Been Looking So Long at These Pictures of You..."

I'm back. Back from a really great visit with my family. Plenty of rest, plenty of laughs, a little shopping, a lot of eating, and I received some truly inspired gifts.

Like the t-shirt from my father and stepmother that says, "I'm Not 40, I'm 39.95." That's funny. Funny, because it's true.

I was lucky enough to find an old book of pictures that I had forgotten I had. Pictures that my mother had forgotten she gave to me. Pictures my grandfather gave to me just before his death.

Bryant was kind enough to let me use his scanner a few days before Christmas, so I surprised several family members with pictures that they had either never seen or they believed were lost forever.

Like this picture of my paternal grandmother and grandfather taken shortly after they were married. So beautiful. I think everyone really loved it.


I also gave my father, mother and brother this picture of me channeling Judy Garland. This was taken mid-"Swanee" during the "Judy at Carnegie" concert at the Lakeshore Theatre a few years ago.

That said, I think the caption should be...

"Gang way world! Get off of my runway!"

...or...

"Come towards the light, Carol Anne!"

...or...

"Relax! I can't get my hand out!"

Any others?



Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

"It's Good to Be the King"

The last few days have been incredibly busy. I still have to pack and tidy up my place for my house sitter (Thank you, Paul!), but before I fly back below the Donna-Dixon Line, I wanted to share a little blast from the past.

Picture it: Powell, Tennessee, the mid-1970's. The curtain is about to rise on the local elementary school's nativity play. The three wise men pose backstage (a.k.a. "just outside of the gym") for the Kodak paparazzi.

You know which one is me, right? The Future Homosexual wearing a babushka that he calls a "snood"? Yep, that's me.

Me as a wise man. This was probably one of my first performances on stage.

And as you can see from my dung-brown cape with the orange skid marks, and the cream-colored hand towel covering my head playing the role of "turban"...

I've come a long way, baby.

Merry Christmas, everyone! Happy Holidays!

"N Goes..."

Earlier in the year, we were treated to a little off-camera Ricky Gervais / Elmo action.

It was truly one of the funniest improvised moments I can remember between a legendary celebrity of stage, screen and television and some writer / comedian.

(That would be Elmo and Ricky Gervais, respectively)

Now, one of the scenes that Mr. Gervais was filming for "Sesame Street" has hit YouTube and it's heaven.

I dare you to watch this and NOT sing Ricky's lullaby over and over in your head for the next hour and a half.

Laughing the entire time.

"Give Me a Kiss to Build a Dream On"

I have had this picture of James Franco hanging in my bathroom since before I knew it was James Franco.

And each time that I would stumble home from a midnight viewing of a brand new Spider-Man movie, I would smile at James and think to myself, "I was Franco when Franco wasn't cool."

But last night, Franco reached a level of cool that I could never have predicted.

The kind of cool that only hilarious, sexy, self-actualized men can acquire.

The kind of cool where he sucks face with other guys on SNL.

Christmas (among other things) came early last night.

"Get to Know Me, I'm Amazing"

I've been slightly obsessed with "American Dad" for the last few months.

I haven't seen every episode yet, but I'm working on it.

My obsession is directly linked to Roger, the Smith's live-in alien who sounds like Paul Lynde.

This quote of Roger's is my all-time favorite...

"Did somebody bet me how many
washcloths I could fit in my butt,
or did I do this just for fun?

"Doesn't matter. SEVENTEEN!"

Ah... an alien after my own heart...

"You Better Watch Out..."

I found this picture in the Chicago Tribune's "Scared of Santa" gallery with the following caption...

"1 1/2 year old twin sisters, Caelyn and Alexandria, were not too thrilled to visit with Santa this year.

"Photo taken at Bass Pro Shops, Bolingbrook, IL."

Ummm... No, dear... Caeyln and Alexandria are not scared of Santa. They're terrified that you might be their biological mother because you brought them to visit Santa in a Bass Pro Shop!







Why didn't you just wait til Santa poses for pictures at the Belleville Indoor Shooting Range & Gun Shop?

That's actually a store. I didn't just make it up.

Whether or not they have sittings with Santa is not indicated on their web site.

Dear sweet Jesus...

Fratboy Friday

The (hopefully) triumphant return of Fratboy Friday...

BOYS IN CAPS

A poster of the General Lee hung over the shower.

Finally, a man who shares my interior design aesthetic.

****

SAGGERS

I love a man with abs that can grate cheese.

****

MOONERS

There's an aps for that.

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

You don't have to get drunk to slap a man for wearing a tiger skin thong,
you just have to have eyes. Oy...

"And That's the Word"

"I think this has been a wonderful decade for civility, and anyone who disagrees with me can
gargle my mansack."

- Stephen Colbert discussing
the first decade of the 21st Century.

I'm tempted to disagree with him. Just so I can get down there, get a good whiff of it, and be able to wear a t-shirt that says...

"I Gargled Stephen Colbert's Mansack."

Do you think my parents would like a t-shirt for Christmas that says, "My Son Gargled Stephen Colbert's Mansack, And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt"?

Consider my shopping DONE!

"What Does It Mean, Corky?"

Okay, guys. It's been a bear of a day. And they're just going to get worse from here till the end of the year for me.

There's way too much to do at my office, and since my office is me, there's no time to finish everything that needs to be finished. And buy Christmas presents. And get ready to fly back to Tennessee. And attend Christmas parties. And so on, and so on, and so on.

I don't feel holiday cheer, I just feel intense stress. It's a good thing the two men who wrote that obnoxious fucking song, "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year," are already dead, or I would have to hunt them down and shove knitting needles down their piss slits.

Though with my luck, they'd probably both be into hardcore sounding and would start singing the song loudly, trying to piss me off more so that I would shove the needles in harder and harder. ('Atta girl!)

And while we're talking about pain to the genitals, I am 39 years old and, as you can see below, there are exactly 39 more days until I turn 40.

Is there any significance to that? I mean, other than the sagging balls, gray pubes and getting my own, personalized stool at Little Jim's.

(Not that kind of stool. You pig...)

"The Wha?"

Kristen Wiig is the best thing that's happened to comedy since Imogene Coca.

By the by, yesterday during the callbacks for "Hello Again," my co-director Michael tried to communicate something to one of the actresses by referencing Imogene Coca.

As if anyone of the Lady Gaga generation has ever listened to the original cast recording of "On the Twentieth Century" or watched "The Brady Bunch" episode where Jan met Aunt Jenny.

I saw the look on the actress' face and said, "Aunt Edna in the first 'Vacation' movie. The one who dies and they put her body on top of the station wagon."

"Oh...," she said.

I give to the younger generation. All the time.

Not that they necessarily want it or care. But I give it just the same.



P.S. I could walk three blocks from my apartment and find over two hundred Chads and Trixies exactly like these "Two A-Holes." Oy...

"You're a Mean One, Elaine Stritch"

What's that, Elaine?

You hear something?

Damn, now I hear it too.

Those damn Whos are at it again.

Always with the singing.

You know what we should do?

No, not "steal Christmas."

No, you should go into Whoville and sing "Meadowlark."

So long. So painful.

Their ears will bleed Who-blood.

They won't know what hit 'em.



To the People Who Put this Video Together: I bow to your brilliance.

"Enjoy the Silence"

This is a recent picture of my dad and my stepmother.

A little something to go with my new favorite quote from "Shit My Dad Says"...

"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you.
It just means right now, I like silence more."

Is it possible for me to love / agree with this man MORE?!?

Not at all.

"...And Tilda Swinton as The Tall Tree!"

The Onion does it once again.

Not as "laugh out loud" funny as some of their previous videos, it's still a brilliant comparison of all those post-14 year old people out there reading the "Twilight" books and becoming infatuated with "literature."

Then again, as a man who spends $25 a week on comic books, perhaps I shouldn't throw stones.

I'll let The Onion throw them for me.


Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series

"For You Have Swings to Be Swung On..."

Tonight, I met a new member of my family.

Of my chosen family.

One day old Grayson Coon-Hobson, Alanda and Steve's beautiful 6 pound son.









As I held him in my arms, all I could think about was how my father told me of how he would hold me in one arm while turning the page of his text book with the other as he studied for his college finals.

I don't know whether I want to be married or not, should that option become available to me...

But I do know that I want children. I've always wanted children. Maybe holding Grayson will be just the push I need to once again look seriously into adopting a child. Hopefully.

Much love to Alanda, Steve and little Grayson.

"Fun for You and Your Whole..."

Has this happened to you?

You're at Beckie's slumber party, snug in your Taun-Taun sleeping bag, wearing you Princess Leia pajamas (feeling naughty because you're wearing her "slave girl to the giant slug" metal bikini underneath), and arguing with Melanie over who is the best kisser, Luke or Han (It's Han. Duh.), when suddenly, Beckie serves sushi!

Only a loser geek would pull out wooden chopsticks at one of Beckie's parties. The cool kids all use Star Wars Chop Sabers.

Which color? Green? Blue?

Red for me, baby. Red all the way.

Wearing a metal bikini under my clothes opens up my dark side.

"Everybody's Waitin' for the Man with the Bag"

Every year around this time, I look at this picture of me, my blonde hair, my snappy sweater vest, and my "Toddlers & Tiaras" grin, sitting with my brother as we visit Santa Claus and think to myself...

"Get her."

I also think...

"My parents had the nerve to be shocked when I told them I was gay? WTF?!?"

Come on. Just look at this picture. You don't need flashcards to figure out that the blonde boy is extremely comfortable sitting on an older man's lap and asking for presents - - toys he will receive if the older man decides he's been a "good boy."





But check out this picture that Philip sent me from Sketchy Santas.

I'm tempted to send this to my father and write in the subject line...

"Hard to believe,
but it could have been much worse!"

"At least I don't play the sax."


****

UPDATE AS OF 1/1/10:

The picture that Philip sent me (of a fully grown, young man sitting on Santa's lap, wearing a pair of Speedos and holding a saxophone) is no longer available for posting. The gentleman who owns the picture (yes, the Speedo-wearing, sax player) emailed me and informed me that he owned the picture and that it is copyrighted.

He also mentioned that it was a stag night photo, which either makes sense of the "Speedo-Santa-Sax" picture or has turned it into a Pandora's box. I'm not sure which, but that's beside the point...

I wanted to replace the picture with something similar in the post, but when I came across this image, I had to use it.

Because now, I can send this picture to my father and write in the subject line...

"There are worse things than your 7 year old son blatantly enjoying sitting on the lap of a man dressed in red velvet and black leather..."

"There's Nancy Reagan!!!"

"Hello, Boys and Girls!"

I have done much more than my fair share of children's theatre, and I honestly have loved it. Some of it. Mostly talking to the children afterward.

Like the time a child asked me to sign my real name, not my character name, on their program. I did, and when I told this sweet, little five year old girl to be sure and hold on to that program with my signature on it because it would be worth something someday, she rolled her eyes and let out a "Pfft" sound that could only be interpreted as, "Yeah, right. Deluded much?"

Still, I have to agree with Jason Alexander...

"Nothing is ever good that begins with the words,
'Hello, boys and girls!'"

"Don't Be Tardy for the Party!"

Will someone please have the sense that God gave to Turtle Wax and give these guys their own television show?

It you haven't seen all the videos that BriTANicK have created, check them all out. They are wildly funny.

This one I needed today. Pep talk. I need a pep talk to make it through today at work and tonight at our event. Not that things are going badly, but because of the insane speed of the day.

I guess that's a good thing, though. It will all be over before I know it. And at the end of the night, I'll have met a Tony Award winning actress and hopefully raised a lot of money for Season of Concern.

And hopefully, my reflection won't read my beads and leave me stranded in the bathroom. With a vampire. Go know...

"You'll Shoot Your Eye Out"

Being a Southerner and part of a family that prefers to say "pistol" instead of "gun," I have found the PERFECT Christmas gift for my Papaw.

("Papaw" is "grandfather" for those of you who don't eat collard greens and wouldn't know to put vinegar on them if you did.)

Unfortunately, my Papaw died in 2003, so once again, I find the perfect gift after the fact. WAY after the fact, in this case. But he seriously would have loved his own "Back Up."

Maybe I should put this on my Wish List.

I'm thinking "The Back Up" would also be ideal for the storage of and easy access to large-scale dildos. Hmmm...

"Another Chance to Disapprove, Another Brilliant Zinger!"

If I were a book, what book would I be? Well...

Nearly two years ago, "Book Quiz #1" identified me as Vladimir Nabokov's "Lolita."

Today, "Book Quiz #2" identifies me as the Holy Bible.

The juxtaposition would be funny if the descriptions weren't so eerily true.

Combine the two and I sound like an inappropriately sexual Elaine Stritch.

Again, eerily true...

You're The Bible!

by ?

One of the most controversial, misunderstood, and yet powerful people alive, you spark extensive discourse wherever you go. People think you hate a whole lot of things, and you probably do, but people forget about your hatred for shrimp. Mostly, you like to tell stories and then be overwhelmed by how many different ways people interpret the things you tell them. The older you are, the less forgiving you become. While few can argue you're trying to do good, most would say that you've wound up doing a good deal of ill. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Maybe you should just beget while the begetting's good.


Take the Book Quiz II
at the Blue Pyramid.

"Do You Think We're Ready for That Kind of Commitment?"

Yesterday's vote in the New York Senate was not a step forward for gay and lesbian people, but New York Senator Diane Savino spoke truths yesterday that, I think, could possibly change minds, and help those against gay marriage to understand that this is a human rights issue, plain and simple.

But once again, it comes down the word "marriage." Its simply too ensconced within a religious framework for certain Christians, which is why they constantly object to gay marriage on the grounds that it's "changing the definition of marriage."

If we could receive the exact same rights and privileges with a civil union, would be still be fighting this fight? Probably so. And I think that's a mistake. We're fighting for a word when, I believe, we should be fighting for the same rights. From what I understand, if we simply called it something else, a strong majority of Christians would have no issue with gay people receiving equal protection and privilege under the law. But as it is, "marriage" is holding us back.

Then again, don't listen to me. The marriage I grew up observing crashed and burned not long after I entered into this world. Maybe I think if I call it something else, the result will be different. Who knows.

Here's Senator Savino, a new hero of mine...

"Holy Hole in a Donut!"

As a boy, I had a huge crush on Burt Ward. His cute hair, boyish face and trim body. Green briefs worn without pants! A yellow, satin cape with a collar!! The ultimate fashion-forward boy crush.

In my 20's, I literally chased a bus down the street so that I could keep looking at the ad featuring Chris O'Donnell in rubber-nippled Boy Wonder-suit.

Now, as I slalom, head first, down life's icy mountain, skidding into my 40's, I have realized that Robin just isn't Robin unless he's wearing a belly shirt.

And a leather studded utility belt.

And a cape the size of a cum towel.

"Holy Hole in a Donut," indeed.

Many, many thanks to Polt for this new addition to My Robin Fetish.

"All We Have is Love Right Now, What We Don't Have is Time"

Today, World AIDS Day 2009, I remember Lemmie Smith.

If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't be an actor, I wouldn't live in Chicago, I wouldn't be the man I am today.

Lemmie was a great actor, funny, warm & (as Silva Lamé - - "Heigh Ho Silva! Lamé!") the best drag queen in town!

I miss you, Lemmie & I love you.


Take some time today to remember those we've lost to this plague. And follow this link if you would like to make an online donation to Season of Concern in honor of World AIDS Day. Thank you.

"Getting My Carpet Cleaned! Yay!"

Okay, y'all...

I just...

I had to share this.

Because, when I saw this status message on the Faceplace... Well...

I know that she's sincere in her happiness of getting the carpets in her house cleaned... But...

It made me literally laugh out loud. I mean, if I had written that status message, it would have meant something entirely different!