"You Can Run Against the Wind, But Not Away From Me!"

Today, as I was riding the bus to work, I looked out on Michigan Avenue and saw a mime.

A black mime.

Now, before you start acting like everyone else on the bus with me (meaning that you DON'T react AT ALL), let me break this down for you.

This was an African-American man IN WHITE FACE acting like he was trapped inside a box.

Am I the ONLY person who thinks this is worthy of a Scooby Doo "Rrrrrrwwwwrrrr?!?" moment?

Imagine the exact opposite. Image that I was standing on the sidewalk on Michigan Avenue in the middle of the day in black face. And instead of miming like I'm trapped inside a box, I'm lip syncing to Diana Ross' "I'm Coming Out."

Wouldn't that be a "WTF?" moment for you?

I'm just looking for little equal opportunity "WTF?".

And speaking of "WTF?," check out Batman's line to one of the understandably lesser known Batman villains, The Mime.

"Stop! You can run against the wind, but not away from me!"

And you wonder why I read comic books. Gems like that aren't found in just ANY medium. Geez...

"Can He Swing From a Thread?"

Poor "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark."

They just can't seem to catch a break. No matter how much money they throw at it or into it, they just can't seem to get this juggernaut off the ground.

Get it? Juggernaut?

As in, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"

Anyway...

The show is, of course, low hanging fruit (so to speak) for comedy writers. Hell, I've been making fun of it ever since it was announced. So, I love this SNL skit.

Mainly, the "Jersey Boys" line.

And the man-on-man, Spider-Man / MaryJane almost-kiss.

Homo fanboy Heaven. If that ever actually happened, that is...

"Somebody Thought of That..."

Kal-el's version of that Kermit the frog classic tune...

"Someday, we'll find it...

"...the Krypton Connection....

"the toothaches...

"...the dentists...

"...and me!"

This is why I read comic books.

For the random, "What the fuck is going on?!?" factor.

I live for it.

"How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?"

I've always had a little soft spot for the 50's comic book Batman.

The goofiness... The square-jawed, white-slits-for-eyes face in a Bat-cowl... The Batmobile with a Bat-face hood ornament bigger than the Boy Wonder...

The first Bat-Girl, a tennis pro turned superhero... The first Batwoman, who used cosmetic compacts to fight crime, and was introduced simply to make the relationship between Batman and Robin appear less like the NAMBLA love story that it actually is...

And of course, Ace the Bat-Hound. A dog. In a mask. With a Bat-symbol around his neck. Hung there to scare the bad guys, I suppose. Because, as Bruce Wayne said, "Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot."

Over the years, Ace has come and gone, but until today, I don't think we knew he could sing. I mean, really sing.

Here Ace as a pug singing the theme song to the 60's Batman TV show. If this doesn't cure what ails you, nothing will.

"You Can See Right Through Me"

Superman has always stood for truth, justice and the American way.

And these panels by Caldwell Tanner that I found on CollegeHumor...

Well, if they don't scream "the American way" as we currently know it, I don't know what does!



























I guess, now that Aquaman is back, Supes can pass the buck on the crappy jobs once again.

"Love Your Hair, Honey. Hope You Win"

I just saw this in one of the of Tee Fury forums and you know...

As much as I've been enjoying Dick Grayson as Batman...

And as much as I liked Batman #700 with all of the Batmen past, present, future and beyond...

There's something about a Justin Beiber Batman - - or BeiberMan, if you will - - that I love.

I guess it's the twink in superhero tights combo.

What am I saying? OF COURSE, it's the twink in superhero tights combo.

Even more so than Grayson's Batman, this is Robin all grown up.

I almost like this better than the old school Earth-2 Robin costume. No, seriously. I love that Earth-2 Robin costume.

Now, just one question: Who the fuck is Justin Beiber?!?

"So, This Is Love..."

It's just like Cinderella sang...

"So, this is love. Hmm-mmm, hmm-mmm.
So, this is love.

"So, this is what makes life divine."

You got it sister. Most definitely.

As long as you have a safe word.



(Can you tell IML is coming up? Hmm-mmm, hmm-mmm...)

"Men Are Stupid, Men Are Vain. Love's Disgusting, Love's Insane..."

From the people who brought you...

"The check is in the mail."

...and...

"We can leave our

underwear on."

...I proudly present...

"Now, Pat...

This won't hurt a bit"

This has been a message from the makers of...

"Never trust a man who says, 'Trust me.'"

"Because I Just Went GAY All of a Sudden!"

Sure, Robin coming out of the closet would be about as shocking as... Oh, I don't know... Ricky Martin coming out of the closet, but...

Really, Bats? You're not even a little bit surprised?!?

You took in a young orphan named Dick, made him your ward, and forced him to prowl city alleys late at night dressed in green elf booties, a red lace-up tunic, and a yellow half-cape. With NO PANTS!!!

And before he could even put on his "costume," you instructed him to open the secret passageway and "slide down the pole."

You don't think that might possibly have had SOME effect on his sexual identity?!?

I wouldn't be so snarky when I spoke to the press about someone coming out of the closet if I were you, Bruce.

You're a very wealthy man who has never been married, yet you and your "faithful butler" have "taken in" not one, not two, but THREE young boys.

Add that to your "Rainbow Batman" costume, and you saying that you're not "even a little surprised" that Robin is gay sounds like the pot calling the kettle Crazy Quilt.

"Let It Please Be Him! Oh, Dear God! It Must Be Him!"

Guess who I talked to today? You'll never guess!

Okay, with the pics that I posted here, you probably WILL guess "Robin." Quickly and easily. But! Do you know WHICH Robin? Ha! Got you! Well...

1) It's not some Dick from the circus...

2) He never tried to kick Bruce Lee's ass while wearing Underoos, a pair of green, elf booties and a bright yellow, collared (WTF?!?), "Toddlers & Tiaras"-sized, satin cape...

3) And he never entered into a scene consisting of a clown, a crowbar, and a couple of 900 numbers before he KNEW THE SAFE WORD, damn it!!!

So, if I didn't speak to Dick Grayson, Burt Ward or Jason Todd today, who DID I speak to? That's right, fanboys! Today, I spoke on the phone with Tim Drake!

Well, alright. It wasn't THE Tim Drake, but it was "a" Tim Drake. It was a business call and when I heard the name, it took every last nerve I had to restrain myself from screaming, "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!?"

Luckily for me, I was able to sneak in the topic of his name and its comic book significance at the very end of the call. Mr. Drake (TIM Drake!) told me that he had no idea he was a member of the Batman Family until a friend of his encouraged him to Google himself. He did, and there he was...

The third Robin, the Boy Wonder!

And if I find out that the real life Tim Drake looks even slightly similar to the comic book Tim Drake from this bottom panel, well...

Insert your own Bat-Pole / Bat-Cave joke here. (Funny... "Insert"...)

"I Need a Hero!"

This is incredibly hot, Hollywood actor Chris Evans. A couple of things...

1) Chris has reportedly been offered the role of Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America, in the upcoming film, "Captain America: The First Avenger."

2) In the picture, notice that Chris is wearing a "Deep Throat" t-shirt.

I sincerely hope that both item #1 and item #2 are true.

But, as much as I would LOVE to see Chris play Captain America in the upcoming Marvel films, if I had to choose just one, I'd go with item #2.

Come on. A movie star with that body and no gag reflex? That's like Gay Heaven.

"Beware My Power, Green Lantern's Light"

Here he is.

The father of my children.

The butter to my bread.

The "Take it like the bitch you are!" to my "Thank you, SIR! May I have another, SIR?!?"

Ryan Reynolds. Talking about how his Green Lantern costume leaves nothing to the imagination.

One viewing of this clip and suddenly, I'm WAY into cosplay.

"I Don't Get It, But... Okay!"

Adam at Comics Make No Sense posted this panel today.

I've seen several bizarre, sexually disturbing, yet more-than-a-little titillating comic book panels featuring the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder, but this one is new to me.

New to the adult me, anyway. I'm sure I saw this panel when I was kid. It explains so much.

To all the guys who wondered why I brought them back to my place, turned down the lights and asked them to join me in "puncturing" a watermelon painted to look like a giant lemon, here you go.

This explains it. It all tracks back.

"Infinite Joy"

Polt from Polt's Palace definitely knows what to give the homo fanboy on Valentine's Day.

Not flowers, not candy.

Life may be like a box of chocolates, but Polt knows that, for me, lust is a flock of belly-shirted Robins.

Do you refer to a group of hot Robins as a flock or a gaggle? A pride?

Hell, call it whatever you want as long as I'm in the center of it. And either kneeling or horizontal. I'm easy. I'll go either way.

Thanks, Polt! You're the best!

"You'll Never Be Anything But a Common Frump!"

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to Prospero from Caliban's Revenge. He emailed me a link to the Batman Comic Generator...

And now, I may never leave my apartment again.

Yes, this little site lets you write the dialogue for this comic book panel. And the second I saw it, I knew what I wanted to write.

Actually, I didn't write it, I just grabbed the quote from a famous movie scene. Sure, it's an obvious choice, but the thought of Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford playing Batman slapping Rutanya Alda playing Ann Blyth playing Robin was too faggy and fanboyish to pass up!

Hmmm...Maybe a little Baby Jane next...

"Welcome to the Jungle"

I'm not quite sure how I found my way there, but one of my favorite blogs these days is Comics Make No Sense, written by Adam Barnett. I HIGHLY recommend that you check it out.

"Highly" is the optimal word, because the comic panels that Adam posts are so bizarre and his writing is so hilarious, I always end up giggling and then horse-laughing as if I'd had a few tokes on the old "mowee-wowee."

And If Jungle Batman and Robin here aren't enough to convince you, go take a gander at Batman and the Joker's Boners.

I'm so not making that up. Batman's Boner. Ready for you to see.

If only it was Christian Bale...

"Slip It In My Purse"

"Spider-Man 4" may have gotten canned...

Which means that Tobey Maguire may never again wear the Spidey suit, no matter what the color...

And that Malkovich may never give another thought to what bizarre, "What the fuck is he DOING?!?" way that he would play a flying, bald, Spidey villain named The Vulture...

Also, as for showtune Spidey, "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" may be out of money, the cast may be out of rehearsals, the creative team may have (finally) delayed previews, and the producers may still be trying to convince the public (and themselves) that the $50 million musical will actually open sometime this year...

And, as you can see, Spider-Man himself may be taking some low (albeit fun, if you're well lubricated) blows from a few bad guys...

But...

When your good friends Alanda Coon and Steve Hobson (along with their beautiful newborn son, Grayson) give you this Spider-Man messenger bag as an early birthday present, all is right in Peter Parker's corner of the Marvel Universe.

Thanks, guys! I will carry it with style and care for it like I would a mint condition copy of "Amazing Fantasy #15."

Because with great accessories comes great responsibility.

Excelsior!

"With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility"

I keep thinking about this whole Spider-Man movie reboot thing, and you know...

It took the James Bond films 40 years, 20 official (and 2 unofficial) 007 movies, 5 Bonds, a handful of Blofelds, a few Ms, a couple of Moneypennys and 1 Q before the 60's superspy needed a reboot.

Sam Raimi's Spider-Man did it in 8 years, 2 films & one symbiote / Sandman / "See Sad Spidey Samba!" mashup of a movie.

What is that? Progress? The new "Marvel Method"? It hasn't even been a decade and they're going to feed us another creation story - - the one story NO ONE needs to see because even if you've never picked up a comic book in your life, you know Spidey's creation story.

Can't the powers that be work out their creative differences so that we get NEW Spider-Man stories. And by that, I mean one story per movie, not 4 stories covered in Vaseline and shoved down our holes (a.k.a. "Spider-Man 3"). Oy...

Stories shoved in holes aside, speaking of the Bond and Spidey films, how about Dame Judi Dench as Aunt May?

And I'm thinking Daniel Craig as... I don't know... Any Spidey villain who wears just a Speedo and a wicked smile. I'm not much of a Marvel fan, so I'm not sure what villain that might be, but if there isn't a villain like that in the Marvel Universe, I'll friggin' create it!

Excuse me, I need to watch a little bit of "Casino Royale" for about 15 minutes. I'll be back...

"We've Beem Yanked... Good and Hard!"

Rob at Seduced by the New... posted this "New Teen Titans"-post "Judas Contract" panel a little while ago, and I have to pass it on for two reasons:

1) To continue my tradition of showing non-comic book fans that not all the crazy in the universe comes from "The Wendy Williams Show," and...

2) Because, in an uber-random and bizarre way, it describes the cough and cold that I brought back to Chicago from my Christmas visit in Tennessee.

Not that a cold or a cough is anywhere near as enjoyable as being "yanked... good and hard!" or "shooting," whether you shoot first, last or mid-ménage, but...

Sometime in the mid-afternoon on the day before my flight back to Chicago, I started getting a sore throat and felt achy all over.

And as the symptoms started hitting me, I kept thinking about Christmas night, sitting on the couch with my step-cousin's beautiful, four year old daughter. I remembered the two of us laughing hysterically when she would use my face - - not her hand, but my face- - every time she let out a hacking cough.

Yes, she would feel the cough coming on, put her face in mine and then cough. And then laugh.

No, that's not true. Then, we would BOTH laugh. Hard.

The me that's sick now honestly has no idea why that was funny. But it was. I hadn't had a drop of vodka in days and still, it was "ROFLMAO" funny. I blame it on all that damn holiday joy and goodwill.

You see, my trip back home this past Christmas really picked up my spirits, so maybe - - just maybe - - my heart did that Grinch thing and "grew three sizes" that night.

And maybe - - just maybe - - when your heart grows three sizes bigger, your brain equals the playing field by dumping your I.Q. down below the Sarah Palin level.

I mean, on Christmas night, my heart might have grown so large that I believed Africa was a country!

Regardless of why I laughed, I laughed. I laughed while a little girl coughed in my face, over and over, passing on her cold to me. She's not to blame, though; I'm the one who should have known better.

And so, right now, I sound like Brenda Vaccaro hawking Playtex Tampons...

..after gargling with Epsom salts.

...mixed with some kerosene...

...and a few rusty razor blades.

And all of that - - the illness, the sound of my voice, the fact that I was so stupid to enjoy a child coughing over and over in my face - - makes me feel, in the words of Nightwing, like I've been "yanked... good and hard!"

Insert masturbation jokes here.

"Insert." That's funny...

"Gotta Go, Gotta Go, Gotta Go Right Now!"

Before you bitches even THINK it, yes I've worn that Riddler costume before.

But if you think that I only jump into Frank Gorshin's pants on All Hallow's Eve, you are SADLY mistaken.

Come on. Do you know how many guys have an I'm Batman" fantasy? Well, I don't either, but over the last few years, I've been keeping a tally and it's well into double digits. And that's just in a 5 block radius from my apartment!

And while I would love to be the Boy Wonder for a Dark Knight - - the Dick under a Bruce - - seeing Robin stroll down Halsted St. with Rorschach on Halloween would have been a little too "Seduction of the Innocent" for even my kinky mind.

But Rorschach and The Riddler? An anti-hero and a somewhat reformed super villain? That'll do, pig. That'll do.

And yes, before I could even ask my riddle, you've answered it correctly - - that's Bryant in the Rorschach costume. He was a sensational Rorschach. People were turning around, pointing, totally freaked out by his costume and his portrayal.

He was so Jackie Earle Haley, he scared the piss out of a number of passersby. Literally.

One group of queens saw him and just lost all control down there. As luck would have it, they all were dressed like the little girl on the Morton's Salt container, so their yellow, rubber boots contained most of their accidents. After a few minutes, I'm sure it just felt like Tuesday night at the Eagle to them.

You know, now that I think about it, it's possible Bryant didn't scare them. That might have been part of their Halloween act. Those homosexuals are so clever, aren't they?

****

Tron, however? Bryant scared the piss out of Tron!
Just look...

The poor guy totally short-circuited the entire bottom half of his Tron outfit.
Otherwise known as his, "I'm Wearing 2010's Over Done Costume in 2009, Bitches!"
Great idea. Cool costume.

When I was a kid, I was so technically and artistically lame, my Lite-Brite always looked like a broken Etch-a-Sketch, and this zygote turns himself into Tron with some parachute pants and a couple of glow sticks. Son of a bitch...

****

And you know, I'm not sure if Bryant scared the piss
out of the girls on the roller coaster or not...

...because they were too happy to worry about anything!

They had the coolest and most awe inspiring costume of this or any Halloween!

Other than the Riddler / Rorschach combo, of course...