TMI Tuesday

My fourth TMI Tuesday. It's like a weekly meme, isn't it?

While we're at it, what the Hell is a "meme" anyway?


1. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?

Over. And I can't believe I actually have a preference for that. The only reason I do have a preference for that is that I heard this same question on THE DATING GAME years ago and thought, "I don't have a preference for that. I better get one! Fast!"


2. Toilet when you are done: everything up, seat down but lid up, everything down?

I live alone, so whatever position it needs to be in for me to do my business is how I leave it after the business is done. 'Nuff said.



3. When was the last time you kissed someone not your significant other? [I am talking about a kiss with some gusto not just a little hello or goodbye peck]

What's with this assuming I have a "significant other," bitch?!? Geez. It's hard enough dealing with those fuckers at restaurants when I'm dining alone who say the inevitable, "Just one this evening?"

If I had a boyfriend, they would never say, "Just the two of you this evening? Popular couple (snicker). Follow me."

But to answer the question, I last kissed someone with gusto this past weekend.

You didn't ask "Who it was," now did you?


4. Would you rather have your significant other have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.]

I'd rather have a significant other who would have the balls... and the class, the decency and the honesty... to tell me if/when he was having sex with someone else or had fallen in love with someone else.

We can't control the people we love. Indeed, "controlling them" is the exact opposite of loving them.

As my Daddy says

"If you have to tie up your dog,
it ain't your dog."

5. If you had $1,000,000 to give away, how would you divide it up? Who and how much?

I would give it all to my mom.

I would buy her a really great house in Hilton Head right on the beach. Then I would buy her a new car and set the rest up in an account to earn interest and allow her to live comfortably and peacefully for the rest of her life.

She's worked so hard to give me so much, she deserves it.


Bonus (as in optional): Tell us something that very few people know about you.

I have a recurring nightmare I have had since I was a child. It involves my horrific fear of spiders.

The dream is always the same, though it changes as my life changes. Basically, I start my day as usual - - get up, shower, shave, make my way to school or work, etc. - - and at some point - - even late in the "day" - - I will see one spider or several spiders.

At that moment, I can't move and I can't make any noise, even though I am desperately trying to move, to run away and I am trying like Hell to scream my head off.

And as I'm paralyzed, the spider or spiders start moving towards me, slowly. The closer they get, the more frantic I become and yet I can't move and no sound is coming out of my mouth. My fear level rises to the point of insanity.

Then, just before the spider touches me, I wake up. In the dream, I haven't been able to move or make sound, but in real time, I am thrashing around in the bed, hitting and punching and screaming bloody murder.

I've been known to beat the living Hell out of boyfriends when I have this dream. But that's the thing about the dream - - I only have it when something is significantly wrong in my life.

When my stepmother came to live with my father and I - - a full year before they were married - - I had the dream once or twice a week. I had the dream so often that my father would stop coming in the room when he heard me scream. He knew I was just having "that nightmare" again.

But when I turned 19 and moved into my own apartment by myself, the dream stopped. Since then, I only have it when I'm dating someone who is treating me with disrespect or when I'm working with or am friends with someone who is cruel to me.

Weird huh?

Planet Unicorn 5: Debbie the "Betch"

Just when you think that all hope is lost...

When Britney devolves back to her white trash roots...

When Lindsay's reverts to rehab...

When nobody will fucking start the goddamn impeachment proceedings on a government so full of lies and bullshit that they make my ex-boyfriend look trustworthy...

The world gives us the Fifth Installment of

PLANET UNICORN

(Hey!)

All is not right on Planet Unicorn. Shannon has a new best friend - - a "betch" named Debbie - - and Feathers, Cadillac and Tom Cruise are attacked at a picnic.

Is this the end of our Très Gay Trio? Watch Planet Unicorn 5 and find out!



New to Planet Unicorn? Be sure to check out Episodes One, Two, Three and Four.

Bye now. Gay Rader!

Big Ole' White Trash Mess

"Big Ole' White Trash Mess."

Imagine that phrase pops up in the "Answer" box on JEOPARDY!

I would buzz in and say...

"What is Britney + KFC +
Puppie + Couture?"

And I would be right.

In the never-ending chronicles of "I Didn't Think She Could Sink Any Lower... But She Has" life of Ms. Britney (Now Officially Divorced From K-Fed) Spears, there was a photo shoot for OK! Magazine. I'm sure you know this but Gossip Girls reports that during the photo shoot, Britney...

According to the peeps at OK!, Britney ordered fried chicken during her interview and kept wiping the grease on her designer dress. She also frequented the ladies room, neglecting to close the door behind her.

And it gets worse. Brit’s dog did some 'floor decorating' that ended up soiling a $6700 Chanel gown. This led to a verbal protest from the stylist.

Well, being a Southerner, I can understand about the "fried chicken" thing. If they didn't want her to wipe her hands on her dress, they shouldn't have ordered Original Recipe. Come on, y'all.

But letting the dog poop on Chanel - - even my kinfolk who live up in the mountains would say, "That just ain't right."

Well, they would say that it "just ain't right" to pay that much money for a dress in the first place.

You know how many payments you can make on your Double Wide with $6700? And we wouldn't let our dog take a crap on or in our Double Wide neither!!!

Fortunately for all of us, Gallery of the Absurd has once again taken the lemons of this celebrity tragedy, added a large amount of vodka and sugar and created a magnificent vodka lemonade work of art.

I give you :"A Stricken Britney Strikes A Pose"




Britney Spears: One Step Below Poor White Trash.

And sinking as we speak.

Lindsay & Dina Get Served

I think everyone in the Nation would agree with the following quote about Lindsay Lohan...

"I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there's so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan."

I would venture to say that you don't really need the phrase "at a certain point."

I mean, if your list of The World's Big Problems includes this spoiled, Young Hollywood, booze-and-coke hound "actress" alongside issues like The War in Iraq, Global Warming and the tragedy of Darfur, your priorities are SERIOUSLY fucked up...

...and you're probably an American.

The author of the quote above went on to say...

"Lindsay, get it together, America will forgive you but you gotta do something positive with your life.

"I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself.

"She's very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who'd trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is."

Pretty good, huh? Who is the author of those quotes?

Rob Scheider

You know it's bad when you're getting life coaching and career counseling from this guy...

Apparently, Lindsay's mother Dina (Dina Lohan, not Dina Merrill. Wouldn't it be great if Linsay's mother WAS Dina Merrill, though?) criticized Rob's performance as Lindsay on last week's TONIGHT SHOW with Jay Leno.

Mr. Schneider responded to the criticism by saying...

"When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I'll have an ounce of respect for her."

Well put, Rob Schneider. Bitchy, catty and judgemental. I think we could be friends.

My Favorite Caption Contest #3

Needless to say, it was extremely hard to choose, but this week's My Favorite Caption winner is Lance over at Yokel Boy Makes Good (formerly known as "Seoul-ful").

Lance submitted several excellent captions for this week's pic, but here's my favorite...

"Hold on, I'm getting a call."

That truly made me laugh out loud! Perfect caption.

And for this week's pic in need of a caption, I give you a picture I'm almost certain came from Super Underwear Perverts. But with all the pics of extremely hot men that are posted to that blog every day, it's impossible to keep track of them.

Even when they're this cute... wearing a Hulk t-shirt...

Here's this weeks picture in need of a caption...


Say what you will about this guy, but he knows The Hulk's color palate.

The purple briefs are a neat, tidy version of those ripped up purple pants that the Hulk always seemed to wear.

While we're on the subject, how many pairs of purple pants did Bruce Banner own, anyway?!? Every single time he transforms into The Hulk, HE'S WEARING PURPLE PANTS!!!

Maybe it's not the gamma radiation, Dr. Banner. Maybe it's the friggin' purple pants! I know I would get pissed off if I had to wear purple pants every damn day!

And one more thing - - Where in the Hell would Bruce Banner go to buy a week's supply of purple pants?!?

For him, I'm thinking a weeks supply is about 100 pairs.

Regardless, this week's contest is now open. Reply with what you think the caption should be for "Hulk boy's" pic up there.

Deadline for possible captions is this Saturday, August 4th at midnight (CST).

A Teaser Poster

Today must be the day of the teaser.

Look what I just found on Playbill.com.

As Playbill says...

"Sweeney Todd," Tim Burton's film adaptation of the StephenSondheim and Hugh Wheeler musical, opens in movie theatres nationwide this holiday season."

I love the image and Johnny Depp looks sinister, sadistic and oh, so sexy... but...

When I read...

"Johnny Depp IS Sweeney Todd,
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street."

...I immediately think of Kevin Kline in SOAPDISH and think...

"Jeffrey Anderson IS Willy Loman!"

I mean, don't you? ?

The Teaser Trailer

Oh my...

Oh my, oh my, oh my...

Three distinct voices, delivering simple lines of dialogue, heard while a well-known symbol comes into view.

How it thrills me...

...and strikes terror into the hearts of criminals.

They are a cowardly lot.




I can hardly wait until July 18, 2008.

At least we finally reached the "It's less than a year away" point.

Robin or Flamebird?

In my continuing quest to play Robin in the third Christian Bale Batman movie...

...and again fan boys, don't get your underoos in a wad! There is no third movie planned. I'm just putting my yellow-caped, green-speedo'ed ass on the list early... before all you bitches beat me to it!...

...I found this picture over at Super Underwear Perverts and in my opinion, this boy has the ULTIMATE retro-style Robin costume laced combined with just the right touch of uber-hotness. I think this is the look I'm going for...


Of course, I'll need a little... ahem... help in the hair department or my Robin will be a little more Professor X...



Or a little more Abin Sur...



Or if I'm lucky, a little more Kojak...

"Who loves ya, baby?"

Regardless, I love this boy's green leather boots. (Are they Doc Martens?)

They add a dash of "kink" to the Boy Wonder, don't they?

Well, the belly-shirt doesn't hurt either.

Swear Jar

Don Hall over at An Angry White Guy in Chicago posted this video today and it is the PERFECT Friday clip.

I'm not a beer drinker - - I'm a vodka boy, 24/7 - - but I just might have to pick up a sixer of Bud Light after watching this...



My favorite is the "poop" girl. She is hilarious.

Happy Friday, y'all.

Ian Roberts: My New Imaginary Boyfriend

Today at lunch, my friend Michael Pacas introduced me to someone...

My New Imaginary Boyfriend...

Ian Roberts

Okay, what are the words I'm looking for to describe him... laying there with that snarl and those shorts and that "Yeah, you know you want it" attitude of his... hmmmm....

Fucking HOT!!!

And the more you learn about him, the fuckin' hotter he gets. As if it's possible for him to actually GET HOTTER.

You see, Ian is a former Australian rugby player. That automatically increases your "Hot Factor" by 1,000 points right there.

5,000 if you wore a jockstrap when you played rugby. 10,000 if you never washed it.

And then his wikipedia page says that...

Ian finished playing professional football in 1998 and began studying at the National Institute of Dramatic Art (NIDA) in Sydney. He served on the National Rugby League Judiciary in 2001.

Well known in the Sydney gay circle for some time, Ian came out publicly in 1995, appearing in magazines and on television over the following year. The rugby league world was generally very supportive with other players commenting that it was important to be "true to yourself" while The Footy Show principals Paul Vautin, Peter Sterling and Steve Roach appeared in a poster campaign against homophobia conducted by the Lesbian and Gay Anti-Violence Project.

So, Ian came out of the closet BEFORE he left professional sports. And no one died. And no one got cornholed when they dropped the soap in the shower. Imagine that.

For the most part here in the U.S., our stars and professional athletes wait to come out of the closet AFTER their careers are over...

...or after they've been caught giving a hummer to a some guy named Mario in a Central Park Men's Room.

So, kudos to Ian for coming out while he played the game. "Hot Factor" gain of 5,000 points.

And last but not least, Ian had a role in SUPERMAN RETURNS!

That's him on the far right... with arms bigger than those Kryptonite uber-crystals behind him. Yum.

"Hot Factor" increase of 20,000 points!

Ian Roberts wins. Hands down. Rugby shorts down.

Dear Lord, I have died and gone to Heaven.


And the view from here is FINE!!!

Thank to Homorific for posting the pics.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #2

You may have noticed that I added a new section to right bar on my blog entitled, "My New Favorite Caption."

Or you may not have. It took me two years to notice that the man I was in love with was a psychopathic whorebag of a liar, so who the Hell am I to judge?

Nevertheless, I have added a little section and once a week (or so) I'm going to post a new picture and I would LOVE for y'all to let me know what you think the caption should be.

This all came from that bizarre picture that I found on the hard drive of the computer I was working on in the internet cafe in Hilton Head. MK's caption made me laugh the hardest for that one.

This next picture is even more bizarre... and wildly funny.



Dear Lord, I love this picture.

It's not often that I find an image that makes me laugh AND turns me on hardcore AT THE SAME TIME.

Deadline for possible captions is this Saturday, July 28th at midnight (CST).

Let the games begin.

Mama Wanda: GLAMOROUS

Okay, y'all. Here it is.

My mother just might kill me for this. With her bare hands. Or her cast iron skillet.

But it's worth it. Absolutely worth it.

You see, one of the joys of going on vacation with my mother and my brother once a year is my brother, Jeff, introducing me to all the music "those wacky kids today" are listening to.

Cause if Garland didn't sing it at Carnegie, if Sondheim didn't write it or if Miss Dolly Parton didn't do a kick-ass bluegrass version of it, I could really give a damn about it, for the most part.

This summer, my brother introduced me to Fergie's song, GLAMOROUS.

He also introduced it to my mother.

And after hearing Mama sing her (slightly off) version of it a few times, I asked her to perform it for me one day on the beach at Hilton Head.

And I took a little video clip of it with my camera.

The result?

Mama Wanda: The Next American Idol!

All Singing, All Sondheim

My fabulous friend Karen Bronson, alongside incredible musical director Doug Orlyk, are once again producing a kick-ass cabaret show to benefit Season of Concern.


I first met Karen and Doug when I took over as the Executive Director of Season of Concern a couple of years ago. They have produced this cabaret fundraiser for SOC for years now and have it down to a science.

These folks know how to raise money!

Just so's you know, the first one of these shows that I attended was produced the same week that Chicago Shakespeare Theater also held a benefit for us.

Karen and Doug's event raised more cash.

Y'all. They raised MORE CASH - - than friggin' Chicago Shakes! That's the stuff!!!

This year's theme is right up my musical theatre alley... so to speak...


Yep, ALL Sondheim. Ain't nothin' better than that!!!

And in addition to Karen and Doug, the show also features Debbie Roberts, Stephen Schroeder and my good friend from several Porchlight Music Theatre shows...

...the Mendel to my Whizzer...

...the Bungee to my Gordo...

Mr. Mark Mavetz!

Love him. Love them. Love it all.

Here's all the info on the show. I will be there for both performances. Join me to watch an incredible show and raise money for Season of Concern. It's gonna be a blast!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Two Shows: 3:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m.

Curly's Grill

499 Pennsylvania

Glen Ellyn, Illinois

Seating is Limited - Reservations Highly Recommended

708-488-0349

$15.00 Suggested Donation

Cash Bar

ALL PROCEEDS GO TO SEASON OF CONCERN

How They Hangin'?

While I was away on vacation, I saw one of these and I love them.

I seriously, seriously love them. So hard.

My mom and I were driving from Chattanooga to Atlanta and there they were...

...dangling from the back of a pick-up truck...

TruckNuts!

Isn't that fabulous!?!

They even have them for bikes!


And y'all, look what you can when they're hanging from your truck...



Wait a second...

I dated him for a few months in '91...

Didn't I?

TMI Tuesday

Here's my third try at this TMI Tuesday thing.


1. Leather, lace or silk?

Well, that's an easy one. Leather.

Don't believe me? Go to my buddy Ron Volanti's photography site. Then, go to the Galleries page and scroll down.

See anyone who looks familiar?

Why do I like leather? Well, there are SEVERAL reasons, but I think Paul Lynde described it best on an episode of THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES.

Peter Marshall: "Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?"

Paul Lynde: "Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. "




2. Do you subscribe (or regularly buy) to any "dirty" magazines? Which ones?

Subscribe to them? I'm IN them!



3. Have you ever had sex in water (tub/pool/lake/ocean)?

No, I'm Amish and only "do it" by poking my "Weapon of Ass Destruction" (as so many have nicknamed it) through a sheet so that I won't see the other naked man I'm having sex with...

OF COURSE, I've had sex in water! One guy I used to have sex with - - a lot - - only wanted to have sex in the shower. That was his thing and I was more than happy to oblige.

We would stay in the shower as long as the hot water lasted. I'm talking an afternoon here.

He also introduced me to "docking" which is really hot and...

Sorry, back to the questions...


4. The three words that best describe you in bed are ____, ____, and ____. Three words that best describe your most recent partner in bed are ____, ____, and ____.

Hmmm... Let's see.

Me: Kinky. Lazy. Bitch.

Him: Little. Yellow. Different.

I'll leave you to figure it all out.


5. Did you lose your virginity as an impetuous youth, "to prove that you loved" him/her, because of a romantic gesture, a newly wed or other (please describe because I can't think of what an "other" might be)?

I didn't "lose" my virginity. I'm a Southerner, so I eagerly "gave" my virginity away...

...to a second cousin who was a star football player at a neighboring high school.

I was raised right.


Bonus (as in optional): Name three words that: a) get you excited b) make you squirm c) make you laugh

What's with all the "three words" crap. Who wrote this? James Lipton?

I'll give some three word combos instead.

Excited: Full. Open. Bar.

Squirm: Won't. Come. Out.

Laugh: Lindsey. Lohan. Arrested.

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Elevators

I'm back in Chicago, well rested from days spent on the beach at Hilton Head where I just laid around like two dollar whore. I was quite a sight.

In fact, I am so "well rested" that when I returned to the Season of Concern office this morning, I had a little trouble.

I walked into the building, said hello to Georgia who works security and punched the button for the elevator, but it wouldn't light up.

So, I punched it again.

And again.

And just about the time that I started to get really annoyed, I heard Georgia's voice behind me saying...

"Ummm... maybe try the Up button?"

Yep, that's right.

I spent so much time in the South that I actually forgot how to Use An Elevator.

If I lose any more of my memory and intelligence, G.W. might ask me to replace Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General.

That is, if Mr. Gonzales is ever actually fired...

And if the Bush Administration isn't over it's quota for people who "can't recall" anything and have an I.Q. equal to the number of teeth found in the mouth of a late shift waitress at any Waffle House below the Mason-Dixon Line.

Did I eat at Waffle House on my vacation?

Is that what you're asking? Hell to the Yes!

And in case you were wondering, I like my hashbrowns Scattered, Smothered, Covered and Chunked.

Make it a Triple.

Hot Fun in the Summertime!

Hey y'all!!!

Well, I'm in Hilton Head, SC with my mom and my brother. After only two days on the beach, I'm already slightly sunburned, so we decided to take in Coligny Plaza this morning, have a late breakfast / early lunch, shop and hit the beach mid-afternoon when the sun is less intense.

I've discovered a few things about Hilton Head in July...

1) It's WAY too crowded.

2) SPF 15 really isn't sufficient for a man like myself who is often mistaken for Casper the Friendly Ghost.

3) College age straight boys are taking MUCH better care of their bodies these days.

Okay, so I didn't just "discover" that last one here in Hilton Head, but when hot, toned and muscular college boys are playing catch right in front of you on the beach (the real "catch," not the kind I play on Saturdays in my bedroom), you definitely discover a new praise for the male form.

I don't feel right posting without a picture of some sort, so I found this picture on the hard drive here at the Internet Cafe / Drugstore in Coligny Plaza...


It's a fish playing guitar. Sheer perfection.

I also found this picture on the hard drive...


Think you guys could come up with a caption for this boy's picture while I'm gone?

Love you and miss you!

Off to Hilton Head

I won't be posting very frequently - - or at all - - over the next 9 or 10 days, because I am on my way to Hilton Head, SC with my mother and my brother.

I will take many pictures and there will be a day trip into Savannah to eat at either Paula Deen's signature restaurant, The Lady & Son's, or her new restaurant that she opened with her brother, Uncle Bubba's.

Yep, Uncle Bubba's. This vacataion is going to be so Southern Gothic, I may jump up from my towel on the beach and scream...

"I'm alive! Maggie the Cat is ALIVE!!!"

Don't put it past me.

Gotta run!

Each Ticket Comes with a Stick of Butter

Y'all. Look what Alanda just sent me...



It's The Food Networks very own Queen of "A Stick of Butter," Ms. Paula Deen... ON TOUR!!!

And y'all know that I love me some Paula!

But I don't think the title is in the right size font for an incredible announcement such as this.

It should say...

PAULA DEEN LIVE!

Here's the link for presale tickets here in Chicago.




You know, if someone really celebrated "Christmas in July," tickets to Ms. Paula would be the PERFECT gift for a certain shaved-headed pickle kisser whose blog colors are "Blush and Bashful," don't you think?

"Things Are Going To Start Happening To Me Now!"

One of my favorite moments from Steve Martin's THE JERK is this scene...

The highly anticipated arrival of "The New Phone Book!"



Come on! You gotta love anyone who treats a new phone book delivery with the same mania currently reserved for new Harry Potter books by screaming...

"The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!

Page 73. Johnson, Navin R. I'm somebody now!

Millions of people look at this book every day!

This is the kind of spontaneous publicity, your name in print, that MAKES people!

I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now!"

Well ya'll, I know that kind of giddy excitement. I may not be in print, but I am mentioned on a gay porn blog.

(No, my naked pictures weren't posted. Those are only on the pay sites, you cheap bitches.)

The hotties over at Nightcharm (Gay Porn Blog, Naked Men Pictures, Nude Males and Gay Erotica) referenced my post about my hot New Imaginary Boyfriend Josh Brown asking Australia's Prime Minister John Howard, "What are you going to do about global warming?" while wearing only a Speedo, ski goggles and a sneer.

Nightcharm is a hot Gay Porn Blog, filled with pictures and links to naked men of all shapes, ages and... ahem... sizes.

That said, you might want to wait until you're in the privacy of your home to check it out. Tight-assed (and I mean that in a bad way), Republican bosses would probably hate all the hot man meat popping up (and I do mean "popping up") all over your monitor at work...

...unless of course you work in MY office where that kind of thing is not only accepted but encouraged!

But whether it's at home or at the office, CHECK THEM OUT! I mean, what's not to love about a blog with featured stories like...

"The Top Ten Worst Guys (That We'd Fuck Anyway)"

"VALLEY OF THE DOLLS: The Girls Are Back"

and
"Jon Vincent: The King of Top"

And who wouldn't be drawn to any site featuring a link that says...

"I'm tired of reading,
take me to the porn."

So, thanks to the hot boys at Nightcharm for checking me out.

Go to their site.

When you get home. All relaxed.

And have that plastic covering firmly in place over your keyboard.

Ron Apologizes. Stephen Swoons.

I know that I probably had nothing whatsoever to do with this, but I would like to think that my future boyfriend, CTA President Ron Huberman, reads my little ole' blog and that's why he made amends...


From today's Chicago Tribune...

CTA President Ron Huberman acknowledged Tuesday that he blew it when he dismissed the shutdown of elevated rail service downtown on July 3 as a mere 'inconvenience in the Loop.'

Huberman now believes the mechanical breakdown that left hundreds of riders stranded on overcrowded sweltering trains -- and another long service interruption on the Red Line last weekend -- were 'not inconveniences, but hardships.'

'We didn't communicate effectively or give people the reassurances they needed,' he said. "It was scary. Passenger needs took a back seat. I apologize to our riders."

When an emergency or any service disruption occurs, extra CTA staff will be sent to the scene to provide timely information about delays and, if possible, evacuate riders on stopped trains, Huberman said.

Everybody, all together now. One, two, three...

Bravo, Ron Huberman!

You're a smart and sexy man, but you know what makes a man even sexier? When he admits he made a mistake, says "I'm sorry" and works hard to not make that mistake again.

That's something we all should do more often. At least I should.

Thank you, Mr. Huberman, for your apology and for all your hard work in restoring and rebuilding the CTA. You inherited quite a mess, but if there is anyone in this city who can make our transit system strong again, it's you.

Now...

I was wondering...

Can I get a naked picture of you?

Or maybe just wearing a CTA vest and a smile?

Please?

Rory's First Kiss = A Hunka, Hunka Bat-Love

In a few days, I will be leaving the Windy City for the beaches of Hilton Head, SC - - something I have been looking forward to for months now. And then today, Dean Richards of WGN-TV posted this on their morning show's blog...

On the show today, I talked about a casting call that's being held for 'Rory's First Kiss.' That's been reported as the code name for the new Batman movie that's being shot here, "The Dark Knight" starring Christian Bale.

If you're interested it's this Saturday, July 14,from 10:00am-3:30pm at the Chicago Academy for the Arts...1010 W. Chicago Avenue.

They're looking for men and women of all ethnicities, 18 years of age and older, to work as paid extras as 'victims or perpetrators within a city besieged with crime and corruption.' That would be Gotham City.

They ask that you bring a recent color photograph and a pen.

Good Luck! - Dean

Just my luck that this audition is scheduled for one of the rare occasions when I travel out of the city.

I mean, if I can't make the audition, then I can't be an extra in THE DARK KNIGHT.

And if I'm not an extra in THE DARK KNIGHT, then Christian Bale will never see me, fall madly and passionately in love with me, throw me into his trailer and whip me around like an erotic Bat-a-rang!!!

I'm sure that Heath Ledger is behind this - - making sure the auditions occur when I'm out of town so he can have Christian all to himself.

Ya'll, if you love me, go to the audition for extras, get in the crowd scene and slip Mr. Bale my number.

Or at least write my contact info on the side of his trailer under the words...

"HOT BAT-BOY SEEKS BAT-DADDY!"

TMI Tuesday

Here's my second go at TMI Tuesday. I kinda like these questions...


1. Who was your childhood hero?

It's the ultimate cliche, but it's true - - my father.

His humor, his stories, his laugh, his optimistic attitude.

This is my father's answer almost every time someone asks how he's doing...

"I'm great, but I'm gettin' over it!"

Which doesn't mean that's he's going from "great" to "depressed." It means, he's going from "great" to "Hot damn!"

When I was a kid, I was always amazed at how my father could talk to anyone - - rich or poor, old or young, even gay or straight. He could charm anyone and knew everybody. There wasn't a city we traveled to where we didn't have at least one person per day shouting his name from across the street.

When I was with him, I knew that nothing and nobody could hurt me.

And he made me happy. He made me laugh. Still does.

This picture says it all.




2. Have you ever had sex with someone who has a myspace page?

What is this "myspace" you speak of?

Real Answer? I'm 37 years old. What do you think?!?


3. What fantasies have you openly told your partner about?

First things first. I need to OBTAIN a partner before I can scare / intrigue him with my fantasies. That is, if by "partner" you mean someone who's around for the long haul. And if by "long haul," you mean more than 4 hours..

No, the types of "partners" I have these days are of the "hourly" persuasion...

...okay, okay, minute-ly... geez...

...and since I don't know their names (first or last), I won't be seeing them again and they won't be meeting me parents, I "openly" tell them fantasies that would make Mr. Rourke close down The Island.



4. Have you ever said you love someone but didn't mean it?

No. I mean and have meant "I love you" every single time I've said it.

I even mean it more times than I say it, which means I need to say it more.


5. Have you ever woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you?

Nope. But for over two years, I woke up beside someone I desperately wished I had never met. Does that count?


Bonus (as in optional): Do you remember a time when you were having sex that you smile or even laugh about now? Do tell....

Okay, but you asked for it. It was with the skank from question #5.

I was giving it to him really good one morning - - completely unaware that he was "getting it" from half the guys in the city and most of the closet cases in the surrounding suburbs when I was at work or on stage. Though, he wasn't getting it as good as I gave it to him. Especially on this particular morning.

We were in his favorite position - - facing each other with him on his back with his legs over my shoulders (i.e. "he's a lazy tramp and I'm doing all the work") - - and though he's loving it immensely and moaning like Kim Cattrall in PORKY'S, he decides he's gonna get cocky with me (pardon the pun).

So, with a sneer on his face, he said...

"Is that the best you've got?"

Since it most decidedly was not the best I had, I gave him quite a bit more than I knew he could take.

And the next sound that came out of his mouth is something I vividly remember.

The memory of that sound makes me laugh every time I think about it.

It Ain't Over Till It's Over

A couple of weeks ago, Andrew Sullivan wrote a very disturbing article that proclaimed what so many people falsely believe - - that AIDS is over.

It was a follow-up to an article he wrote in 1996 entitled "When Plagues End."

As Mr. Sullivan describes...

It was easily the most offensive thing I ever wrote, as far as the AIDS establishment was concerned. I was flayed alive for saying the obvious: that this was a huge deal, an end to AIDS-as-plague. And yet, 10 years on, everything in it was right. And the refusal to acknowledge that at the time, while understandable, was sad. We never got our moment of celebration. We never got that day on the beach in 'Longtime Companion'. We denied ourselves the relief that we deserved.

For those of you who have never seen LONGTIME COMPANION, the final scene of the movie has the three remaining survivors of a large group of friends standing on the beach when suddenly, everyone they lost to The Plague comes rushing onto the sand for a party.

Everyone hugs. Everyone kisses. Everyone dances. It's what I now think of as Heaven - - time spent not only the ones that AIDS took away, but everyone that I have loved and lost.

That perfect day when all of the people I love come together to dance and laugh and celebrate the joy of being with each other once again.

It's the day I get to laugh with Mark and Lemmie again. I get to kiss my grandmother and grandfather again. I get to hug and sing with MaryBeth again.

Mr. Sullivan went on to say...

In my view, we should establish a celebratory day to remember the year we turned the corner, to commemorate the lost generations, to recall the awful price paid for the era of total liberation. The corner was turned in part because gay men and lesbians heroically rescued themselves, funded research, demanded change, cared for each other, and refused to take any more shit from the powers that ignore. I do not miss AIDS, but I miss the passion and love it spawned. It was a terrible, terrible time—but it was also our finest hour. We need our own armistice day, to honor those who helped make it happen, to mourn those who never saw the dawn, and to recall the moment when the terror ended, and life began, again.

I would love to celebrate the end of AIDS, Andrew - - and I will...

When it's over.

But as long as my friends and entire continents of people are dying from this virus, it ain't over.

I could go on and on, but Alexandra's response to Mr. Sullivan's article says it best. Read it all. Right now. Here's just a small piece of Alex's post to prove to him and to everyone else that AIDS is not over. This is what Alex goes through on a daily basis...

The stomach aches, the 4 series of drugs I’ve been on that stopped working for no reason whatsoever, the fact that I have to eat fat like it’s crystal meth, and yet watch my cholesterol so I don’t drop dead of a massive stroke. The debilitating diarrhea that can kick in at any minute. Ever walk into a Starbucks, order a coffee, and then have to scream for the bathroom key because poop is running down your leg and into your flip flops? And these are only some of my symptoms that these miracle drugs have left me with. I’m living the life of an 80 year old in a 43 year old body. And the Plague is over? I wish someone would tell my bowels that.

It's not over. AIDS is not over. The rate of HIV infection nationally and globally is frightening. Protease inhibitors do not cure people living with HIV and AIDS - - I don't care what Magic Johnson says. I may be going to significantly fewer memorial services than I did 10 or 12 years ago, but people are still dying.

And people are still incredibly stupid about how the virus is transmitted and what being HIV-positive means.

Case in point, this is from yesterday's news...

A couple says their vacation was ruined when an RV park owner told them they weren't welcome after discovering their 2-year-old foster son had the HIV virus.

Last week, Dick and Silvia Glover went to the Wales West RV Park in Silver Hill, Ala., with their foster son Caleb. When the boy was banned from using the pool and showers, the Glovers said they were offered an uncomfortable and painful choice: They could either keep Caleb out of the water or leave.

The park's owner, Ken Zadnichek is quoted as saying...

"We weren't sure if somebody could get the virus if the child upchucked on them or from blood or what.

"I'm not responsible for their feelings. I'm responsible for the well-being of everybody in the park. If their feelings got hurt, I'm sorry. That's the way it's got to be."

Now, before you even begin to think that Mr. Park Owner's argument is logical and well thought out, let me say this...

We're 26 years into this virus and a question like, "Can I get it from swimming in a pool with someone who has AIDS?" is still being asked?!?

As David Little, director of South Alabama CARES, an AIDS education and outreach organization that serves 12 counties in south Alabama, says...

"There's absolutely no way you can get HIV from a pool or a shower casual contact using the same facilities. It just doesn't happen."

Wow, Andrew. Seem like a whole lotta hoopla for a Plague that no longer exists.

The article about Caleb goes on to say...

The Glovers said they chose the location because of their son's love of trains. Wales West features steam and diesel locomotives -- similar to ones used by the mining industry in Wales -- on a railway that circles a small lake.

The Glovers said Caleb is a happy child who they just wanted to please because his life expectancy is only seven years.

Only seven years to live.

Wow, Andrew. I guess Caleb didn't get the memo that it's over.

Underwear That's Fun To Wear

A few days ago, Alex responded to my July 4th post and simply said...

"You said 'underoos'. You win."

Now, for those of you unfortunate enough to have been born in the 80's or (horror of horror) the 90's...

...Was ANYONE actually born after 1989? Nah...

...you might need a little education in the fabulous world of Underoos.

Underoos are easily defined by the advertising tagline on the original packaging...

"Underwear that's Fun to Wear!"

They were incredibly cool sets of underwear for kids - - up to about age 12 - - that came in a variety of styles, like Batman and Superman...

















Now, neither of the boys in the picture below is me (ahh... the magic of the google image search...), but I did own a pair of Superman Underoos exactly like the ones sported by the sassy kid on the left with the Bunny Slippers.


Or are those Mouse Slippers?

And if they are Mouse Slippers, why the fuck would you give your kid Mouse Slippers?!?

And if you owned them, why would you wear Mouse Slippers with your Superman Underoos?!?

Obviously, this child is NOT an F.I.T. ("Fag In Training")

No, we F.I.T.'s wanted one of these - - Wonder Woman and Supergirl Underoos!
















Oh, how I envied girls like these...

Notice these girls are not wearing Bunny OR Mouse Slippers with their Underoos. Well done, girls. Well done.

For some reason - - I'm not sure why - - my parents wouldn't buy me Wonder Woman or Supergirl Underoos.

They would buy me either one of the Luke Skywalker styles...















They'd even make me into a mini-Boba Fett - -


Boba Fett Underoos: For the little jet pack bounty hunter in all of us.

Are you like me? Have you been aching for a new pair of Underoos?

Well, ache no more! Daniel Fryer here has solved all of our problems and designed...

Undertoys!

As his site explains...

"I was walking in the Big W one day and this smirking little brown noser of a kid was waving a new pair of trucks and tractor undies in my face.

I admit it was probably wrong to stick my foot out and trip him to the floor, but someone needed to teach him a lesson.

And it got me thinking. Did I have a problem? Was I alone? Could I do anything about it? Were there security cameras in the store? Was my package as big as the guy's in the poster?

I figured I probably did have a few issues, but if I was jealous about the undies, then chances are I wasn't alone.

So I set out to create a range of mens trunks reminiscent of those we used to wear as kids.

Introducing 'Undertoys'."

Check out these kick ass styles! He has Super!


Sure, it's more Superman than Supergirl and there's no Wonder Woman, but with a design and a basket like that, who's complaining?!?

Then, there's Camo!


That's quite the One Eyed Wonder Worm he's got there, isn't it?

And the dragon ain't so bad, either.

And my other favorite, Invaders.



When I get a pair of these, I will definitely be sitting in front of my Atari 2600 for DAYS wearing my Invaders, playing Space Invaders and wishing someone would invade... well... you get the idea...

And with cute as Hell packaging like this, who can lose?

So, check out Daniel's site and order up a few pair of Undertoys.

And if you need my address or size, just ask.