My Favorite Caption Contest Week #5

Well folks, here it is. The moment we've all been waiting for.

No, Dubya didn't resign, Cheney didn't shoot HIMSELF in the face and Britney didn't hire a chauffeur!

I have the winner of My Favorite Caption Contest Week #4.

And, why did this particular person win? Well, other than the fact that his caption really made me laugh, let's just say I'm a sucker for a man shrouded in mystery. Especially when the mystery man also has a wicked sense of humor with punchlines centering on an issue near and dear to my heart: Hot, kinky, Dom/sub sex.

Yes, the winner for the second week in a row is Eric. The man who, as of yet, has no last name (How Cher...), no blogger profile available for us to peruse and who is not in a hurry to reveal his "secret identity."

But, I do so love a good mystery. And I love his caption for the bizarre Robin / Riddler pic. Eric wrote...

"Do you want to end up like the Joker after he gave me that look? Now open up."

Isn't that great? I love it when a man wearing green briefs and a yellow, satin-finish cape tries to be all butch. It's exciting, silly and endearing - - all at the same time.

Congratulations, Eric... whoever you are...

Now, in keeping with our superhero theme, I give you Week #5's pic...


Yeah. That's a lot, isn't it?

I have no idea who this is, what function he is attending or which friends allowed him to WALK OUT OF THE HOUSE DRESSED LIKE THAT, but he looks like he's having a real good time, bless his heart

FYI: "Bless his heart" is Southern for, "He's so stupid."

So, give the boy a caption. Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, August 17th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

Note to Eric: You know, if you don't tell us who you are soon, I might have to start calling you Deep Throat. Are you? Would you?

You Keep Your Mama's Ashes in What?

My mother called to tell me that she watched Larry King's tribute to Tammy Faye Messner a couple of nights ago. She loved it, but when I told her that I didn't see it, she rattled off another comic goldmine...

"Good thing you didn't watch. I cried and cried.

"They cremated her and gave each of her kids a little, tiny vial of her.

"When I die, I'll be able to give each of y'all a Mason jar."

If you don't know a Mason jar from a coffee cup filled with bacon grease sittin' on the side of the stove, take my word for it - - that last sentence of my Mama's is damn funny.

When Caine Met Connery

This clip says everything about why I love Craig Ferguson.

This is Craig's little remake of WHEN HARRY MET SALLY...

Starring Michael Caine and Sean Connery.

With a special appearance by Prince Charles.



Yep. All three played by Craig Ferguson. Take that Carson Daly.

The Party That Lost It's Way

Bill In Exile posts several different, informative and incisive "Quotes of the Day" on their blog. Today's quote, written in a post by blogger Down With Tyranny, was too perfect not to pass on here.

Hopefully, Bill in Exile and Down With Tyranny won't me me posting this here. This tells it like it is. And this is why in my opinion, Ron Paul is the ONLY potential Republican candidate to be considered in the 2009 race.

"The Republican Party crafted themselves a brain dead, zombie-like base, incapable of independent thought and Pavlovian in it's response to the dog whistles from Hate Talk Radio and Fox-TV — commercial enterprises catering to the lowest-information groups and most bigoted people in the country. And now Republican politicians, who were all too willing to feed that tiger are realizing that they're the next meal."

- from Down With Tyranny

If you want to know why I am fast becoming a supporter of Ron Paul's bid for the Presidency, simply visit his site, or better yet, do a search for him on YouTube.

Ron Paul is the anti-neocon. He makes decisions based on his core values - - primarily his steadfast belief in defending and upholding The Constitution of the United States.

And while I don't agree with everything Congressman Paul says, it is refreshing to hear a candidate firm in his resolve, even when his stance on an issue might be unpopular with his supporters.

I never in a million years would have believed that I would consider endorsing a Republican, but Congressman Paul isn't the kind of Republican people my age and younger have grown to despise; as I understand it, he is a true Republican with ties that stretch back to the creation of his Party.

The media may not want to allow Congressman Paul the same amount of air time as the horrific Mitt "Double Guantanamo" Romney, but the American People have found him on YouTube and we're slowly making his voice heard.

Listen to him. Let me know what you think.

UPDATE - 8/10/07 - 10:50 AM - Last night, Philip sent me this excellent article about Ron Paul from Seattle's THE STRANGER and I forgot to add it to this post. Check it out.

Planet Hiltron

If you've never visited Planet Hiltron... well, then you obviously haven't check out "My Favorite Visual Arts Blogs," so if that's the case, here are a few reasons why you should check for updates on Planet Hiltron every day.

It's a simple morphing of pictures of celebs with pictures of... well, us. Actually, though, this is "not so simple," since I'm sure this work is complicated but it's done so well, the perception is that it's easy. These images are hilariously skewer celebrity. This is brilliant work.

For instance, here is yesterday's post - - Paris and Nicky Hilton...

And this isn't the first time Planet Hiltron has tackled Paris Hilton. For instance, here is 40's Paris...

Planet Hiltron has also tackled sisters before, like The Olsens...

...or Tori and Candy Spelling...

And I love this one 0f Ann Coulter. Finally, a picture that shows her for the used up, trashy coke whore that she is.

But this one is the prize winner. This is really brilliant. This says it all.

Hype

Last night, Eric and Philip and I went to a little benefit at T's for the workshop production of a new play by my friend, Danny Bernardo. His play, HYPE, is being produced by one of the best producers in Chicago, Mike Checuga.

I don't know very much about the play, but I know Danny and Mike and if this is their project, then this is definitely one workshop production that must be seen.

Here's all the info:

4+1 Productions presents the workshop of HYPE, a play by local actor Danny Bernardo, featuring songs by indie folk rock sensation Christopher Dallman. A social commentary on life as a gay celebrity and the Big Brother machine that is the media, at heart HYPE is a love story: finding true love, keeping it and ultimately dealing with its loss.

Andrew Jordan , a former child star, lives somewhat happily with his long-term boyfriend Paul (a writer), their best friends Sheila (a would-be journalist) and Kyle (a lovable slacker, wannabe musician) in a one bedroom apartment in North Hollywood . The problem: no one is taking him seriously as an adult actor. When he gets discovered waiting tables to head a new teen drama, he gets caught up in the battle to stay on top. When the media frenzy that accompanies fame begins to take its toll on his relationship with Paul and stands in the way of his two best friends falling in love, Andrew must ultimately decide what is more important: his dreams of being a famous actor or living a life that is true to himself and those he loves.

The workshop will run at

The Cornservatory, 4210 N Lincoln Ave, Chicago, IL 60618.

BOX OFFICE # 773.355.1752

The performances will be Wednesday, August 22 through Saturday, August 25 at 8p and Sunday, August 26 at 3p. All performances will be followed by a post-show discussion.

Admission is $10 General Donation, $7 Student & Industry Donation

The Romney Boys: Fighting Terrorism On The Campaign Trail

In Iowa, Mitt Romney was asked why none of his five sons are fighting the War in Iraq.

Mitt. Is that really his name? Or was he just bad at Lacrosse in school and got gloved a lot.

All five of Mitt's sons are old enough to serve in the military. And apparently all five are either straight or have the morals of their father and don't mind lying about their sexuality under the ridiculous "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

Mitt's response to why none of his five sons are fighting the War in Iraq...

"One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me get elected because they think I'd be a great president."

As usual, Jon Stewart and the writers on THE DAILY SHOW, have the best response to Mitt's pathetic answer to this very important question...

UPDATE - 8/9/07 - 11:13 PM: Apparently, the boys at Viacom and Comedy Central are living in the Dark Ages and don't want clips from THE DAILY SHOW on YouTube anymore. I'll see if the clip is still on my TiVo and transcribe what Jon Stewart says.

Hey Viacom and Comedy Central: Lighten the fuck up. Oh yeah, and blow me.

Pantsed

I learned a new word today: Pantsed.

It's a simple, little word. The Urban Dictionary's definition is succinct: Having one's pants pulled down.

Used in a sentence: "I got pansted today at school."

How did I find this new word? Well, this little clip popped up during one of my YouTube searches. What I was searching for is irrelevant. I plead The 5th.





Why, oh why was I so against pledging a fraternity when I was in college?

These frat brothers walk around commando and jerk each others' shorts down to their ankles, exposing their hot asses and, as the boy in the above video so eloquently puts it, "My balls!"

They spank and paddle each others' butts and scream out "Thank you, Sir. May I have another?"

And they get uber-drunk on kegs and kegs of beer and end up pissing on each other.

I have to pay quite a bit of money to go to very specific leather bars on very specific nights to get that kind of action. If I was in a fraternity, I could have been in on hot scenes like that EVERY NIGHT!

Youth is wasted on the young and hot, gay sex is wasted on fraternity brothers.

Well, maybe "wasted" is the wrong word. Especially if they let me join in.

More from MR Magazine

UndiesDrawer just posted another hot pic by Joe Oppedisano for MR Magazine. Just as hot as the last few.

And this time it's double our pleasure.


Maybe he has an unfair advantage since he's wearing white, but the guy on left wins whatever fight these two are in HANDS DOWN just on the size of his package alone!

Yum...

A "Less Lethal" Death

I wake up every morning and watch the WGN-TV Morning News.

If you live in Chicago, this is the morning show to watch - - informative, irreverent, funny, warm, charming and smart-assed. The perfect combo since I am most definitely NOT a morning person.

This morning, they mentioned this story (which links to the CBS site since, for some reason, the WGN site doesn't list this story... get it together, guys...)

Victim's Family Outraged Over Taser Death

A Chicago family is calling for justice after the death of a loved one who was tasered by Chicago police officers.

Linda Johnson said Tuesday she and her mother regret calling 911 the night her brother was killed.

Saturday night, Linda's brother, Gefrey, had locked himself in his room with a silk tree. Linda believed he was hiding drugs in the tree and threatened to call police.

When police arrived, Gefrey's mother instructed them to break the bedroom door and get her son out of the house.

Several police officers responded. Linda says the scene somehow went from calm to chaos. The 42-year-old was hit twice by a taser, maced once and died.

Tuesday, police defended their choice to use the taser.

"This individual was combative. He slammed a couple of officers against a wall. The officers, in an attempt to gain control of him again, exercised less lethal force by using the taser," Deputy Supt. Dana Starks said.

But the family says the force was excessive. Gefrey was disabled and could not fight back.

"They actually executed my child. They executed him," Gefrey's mother said.

Police are waiting for an autopsy report to see what exactly killed Johnson. In the meantime, they will continue to use the taser gun when necessary.

Here's the deal: I don't know if Gefrey was combative or not. I don't know if Gefrey possibly attacked the police or not.

Although, what would he use? The silk tree? What would he do with it? Get into some sort of bizarre, nellie flogging scene?

But I do know that this is not the first time that Chicago police have used a taser on a "combative" individual which led to that person's death.

My problem is first with Deputy Supt. Dana Starks' statement...

"The officers, in an attempt to gain control of him again, exercised less lethal force by using the taser."

Since not just Gefrey Johnson, but also other individuals, have died after being tasered, the idea that using a taser is exercising "less lethal force" is not only ridiculous, it's dangerous.

Also, both CBS and WGN report that...

"Police are waiting for an autopsy report to see what exactly killed Johnson."

Maybe it's me, but I don't need Jack Klugman in scrubs to tell me that the taser killed Gefrey Johnson.

Let's look at what happened: He was alive, the police taser him, and minutes afterwards, he died.

What do the Chicago Police need to figure out what killed him? Flash cards?

How many Chicagoans have to die from being tasered before the Chicago Police refrain from using these "less lethal" weapons?

Granted, I don't know how many times individuals are tasered with non-lethal results, but isn't just one death enough for us to demand that someone study tasers and re-design them so that NO ONE dies from them again?

And before you write to tell me "being tasered is better than being shot," let me say that scientists have figured out how to give a 90 year old man a four hour erection. If our priorities were in line, we could figure out how incapacitate an individual without possibly killing him.

TMI Tuesday

My TMI Tuesday #5. I'm starting to like these things.


1. What is the worst/corniest pick up line someone has used on you and/or you used?

It was my second time in my hometown's gay bar, The Carousel II. I was just barely 18 and I was standing next to the sunken, "light up," disco dance floor waiting for my friend Scot to arrive.

Yep. An 18 year old boy all alone in a gay bar. Wearing a little too much Drakkar Noir. It was like blood in the water to the pack of sharks in that place.

This thin-as-a-rail queen kept walking around and around me. He was as drunk as he was trashy, and after his 114th orbit, he stopped, looked at his friend a few feet away, then stared right into my eyes and said in the most nasal, Appalachian accent...

"Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, I sure would like me some of that!"

Yeah. Dream on, Klingon.


2. Have you ever gone out on a date with someone and went home with someone else? Explain.

Nope, not even close. I was raised right.

But a few years ago, my ex-bf showed up at my birthday party and ended up screwing my then-current-bf in my bedroom while my apartment was full of party guests.

Do I get "Bizarro Credit" for that one?


3. What is the worst thing (spread a rumor, hook up with their SO, etc...) that you did to a friend? Did they do anything to deserve it?

I honestly can't think of a thing.

Believe me, I'm no saint, and when I feel I've been wronged, I lash out like a Southern bitch, but I don't intentionally set out to hurt my friends. Not at all.


4. What is your favorite sex scene in a regular movie (not porn)? Why?

Hands down, the first love scene between Maurie and Scudder in the film MAURICE.

Scudder puts a ladder to the 2nd floor window of the bedroom where Maurice is staying, climbs into the room, walks over to him and without a word, they begin to kiss furiously.

Silence and passion.

Sexy and romantic and perfect.


5. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? What would you change on your SO?

I would love to have a beautiful head of hair. Mine started falling out at 19, which if don't know, sucks donkey balls.

I shave my head out of necessity. People who HAVE hair and shave their head boggle my mind. If you can grow hair, GROW IT! I'm doomed to look like Daddy Warbucks - - you have a choice!!


Bonus (as in optional): What countries, other than your own, have you had sex in? Was it someone on the trip with you? Someone from that country?

I had sex in Tokyo with a guy from the FOSSE! tour. We met me in Chicago, had a hot little week of fun, and then he flew me - - that's right FLEW ME!... as in "paid for my trip" - - to Tokyo to be with him for the week the show was there.

And did I mention this guy was a PRINCIPLE DANCER on the FOSSE! tour?!? This man had an ass you could bounce coins off of. When he moved, he rippled.

And he flew ME to Tokyo!

International Booty Call, y'all. THAT'S how good I AM!!!

Queer Fest Midwest

Those that know me know that when it comes to contemporary music, I am tragically unhip.

See? No one has used the word "hip" since our boys were in Korea and Ike was in Mamie.

(Ten Points if you know where I stole that "boys / Korea / Ike / Mamie joke.)

So, when one of the coolest - - if not THE coolest - - bloggers around, Jockohomo, posts about a queer music festival that is in my very own back yard, I take that as a sign that I need to expand my musical knowledge beyond Judy, Liza, Lorna and "Little Joe."

Check this out Chicagoans...



Here's all the info...

"As two of Chicago's prominent independent queer voices, Chill Magazine and Think Pink Radio have joined forces to put together Chicago's first summer queer music festival.

"Queer Fest Midwest will be an all-day celebration featuring national and local queer musical acts and art and will benefit About Face Theater and WLUW. The festival will be held Aug. 25 at the Pulaski Park Fieldhouse (1419 W. Blackhawk)"

And you know it's going to be a kick ass festival when it starts with a kick off party that has THIS for it's postcard...


Now, for a boy like that, I would give up showtunes... for a little while, anyway...

Prince Harry (Almost) Full Monty

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Bree, Lynette, Susan, Gabby... Robbie... & David?

Shirley Heezgay just posted about some breaking small screen news (news? gossip? well-oiled hype?) that - - while I would love for it to be true - - is making me think that DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES creator Marc Cherry is vying for the title of "The Gay Ashton Kutcher."

(Gay Ashton Kutcher. Wouldn't that be nice?)

Anyway, what I mean is, I think we're all being Punk'd.

According to the TransWorldNews report...

"Soccer star David Beckham and British singer Robbie Williams is reportedly set to star in the hit show 'Desperate Housewives' as a gay couple. The show’s creator, Marc Cherry, said he wanted to add a gay couple to the script to 'spice things up.'"

Marc Cherry is quoted in the article as saying...

"David and Robbie are perfect to star as the new neighbors’ best friends; the gorgeous, eccentric couple flown over from Blighty (Britain).

"We haven’t has that kind of wow for the wives since Jesse Metcalf left and we want it to cause such a stir when they turn out to be together.

"David’s keen, but though the obvious choice was to work with Tom Cruise, we wanted someone who matches him in height and well, Britishness, so Robbie is the one."

Again, I would love for this to be true. I would love it so hard. But...

I can hear Marc Cherry laughing at us right now as we salivate over the details.

Maybe - - maybe! - - Robbie Williams will be one of the gay "housewives" on DP this season, but y'all...

David Beckham moved to L.A. to play soccer AND to appear in an ABC dramedy?!?!

I'm gullible and I might - - might! - - have believed it, if Mr. Cherry hadn't used two little words. Two little words gave him away.

"Tom Cruise."

Saying "Tom Cruise" these days is an easy way to get a laugh. Like using the word "pleather." I just makes people giggle.

And gives people a little clue that you're pulling their leg.


Special Note to Shirley Heezegay: I SINCERELY hope that I'm wrong about this whole story being a red herring.

And to answer your question of "Who will be the bottom?" - - Beckham or Williams - - I think I was wrong when I said Robbie would probably play the bottom.

I mean, even though Beckham is flagging left in this picture, doesn't that pose just say "Receiver?"

Hell, if he thinks that makes him a top, that is fine with me! I just wanna be in there somewhere.

Pun intended.

Put On A Cheney Face

This just in from THE DAILY SHOW's Jon Stewart...

"You know, every time Dick Cheney smiles like that, an angel gets waterboarded."

- Jon Stewart

Desperately Seeking Campaign Funds

Well, The Onion has done it again. Check out this headline...

McCain Late To Debate Due To Greyhound Delays

However, in my online research I have found that The Onion is slightly late in it's coverage of the McCain bus-and-truck tour. That story is SO "last hour."

You see, due to the problems with Greyhound, McCain is now hitchhiking from town to town - - a rugged and also cost-efficient mode of transportation.

"I need to get to Exit 12. Anybody goin' to Exit 12?"

McCain is doing quite well hitching from truckers. He's even learned a few tricks "on the road." Here he is promoting his new "McCain Sucks For Bucks" fundraising drive.

"Sucky, sucky? Five dollar?"

But oddly enough, that's not his real money maker. Here's McCain doing his now-famous impersonation of Katharine Hepburn. This one's always good for a few fives and tens when the hat is passed.

"Norman, the loons, the loons! Lion in winter, pussy in summer! The loons!"

Hey, McCain. That's great! Can you do a PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN impersonation for us?

"Arrggghhh. I be Johnny Depp! Give me all yer booty fer me campaign! Arrggghhh!"

Desperate times call for desperate campaigners.

*Special Thanks for Alex for stealing her "Lion in winter, pussy in summer" joke.

FLIP FLOP

Here's the skinny on FLIP FLOP, the benefit cabaret I'm singing in for the About Face Youth Theatre.

Monday, August 27

Sidetrack

3349 North Halsted

6 p.m.

Join About Face Theatre for an exclusive gender-bent night of showtunes where men perform Broadway hits written for women and women take on the men!

All proceeds directly support the nationally acclaimed About Face Youth Theatre.

starring Amy Armstrong, Freddy Allen, Beckie Menzie, Tom Michael, Honey West, Paul Stovall, Kate Fry, George Keating, Elizabeth Laidlaw, Matthew Amador, Christine Bunuan, David Edelfelt, Amy Matheny, Stephen Rader, K. Todd Freedman, Stephen Nash, Trent Armand Kendall,

Julius Thomas III, Daryl Nitz

cast members of THE COLOR PURPLE, WICKED, SPELLING BEE and more!

Directed by Scott Ferguson

Hosted and Produced by Amy Matheny

Musical Direction by Dustin Pappin

$30 at the door

enjoy 2 complimentary cocktails, raffle prizes and more

If you're unfamiliar with the About Face Youth Theatre, they are...

"dedicated to giving voice to queer youth, creating performance opportunities for young artists, and connecting young activists and artists to LGBTQ leaders in the community."

So, hit Sidetrack on August 27th. I will be singing CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAN OF MINE and quite possibly will be one of the three, white male DREAMGIRLS.

Can you just see / hear it? Me singing...

"You're lyin', you're lyin',

I've never been so thin!

You're lyin', you're lyin'

'Cause you're knockin' off that piece who thinks she's better than ev'rybody.

She ain't better than anybody!

She ain't nothin' but COMMON!"

Dear Lord, I hope I get to do that!

My Favorite Caption Contest #4

I know that you're all busting with antici - - (Say it! Say it!) - - pation, so I'll get right to the... ahem... meat of it.

The winner of the "My Favorite Caption Contest" for Week #3 is Eric (Eric Reda? Eric Bana? Erica Kane?) with this clever caption...

"My dick is as purple as these shorts. Ya gotta problem with that?"

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a purple... ummm... I'll just stop right there.

In keeping with my current Robin fascination, I give you this picture from Burt Ward's website for Week #4's caption contest...

Burt Ward with some sort of Bat-Raygun pointed at Frank Gorshin. As Mandy Patinkin says in SUNDAY IN THE PARK, "So many... possibilities..."

Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, August 11th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

The deadline is a little earlier this week, so hit it and get it, y'all.

Classic Robin

With all these different Robins flying about, it's important to remember that, more often than not, the original is always best.




Think about it. "New Coke," anyone?

P.S. This picture makes me think of a t-shirt a friend of Philip's wears that simply says, "Burt Ward was hot." Notice that is past tense. That's what makes it so brilliant.

03.06.09

I can't wait for this!