Red Latex + Black Speedo = Red Robin

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Captain America - - Fuck Yeah!

For Alanda. Cause we talked about it at dinner.

And because I love it when she sings this song.

Fanboys, you'll love this.

Mug Shot Mondays

I hate saying goodbye to the weekend and hello to Monday...

...especially after the great time I spent this past weekend with both Alanda and Doug...

...but the one thing that makes Monday a whole lot friggin' brighter is Mug Shot Monday, posted by Donnie v2.0 over at Famous Like Me.

I won't sully Donnie's work by re-posting it here, but do yourself a favor and jump over there to catch the mug shots of some hotties and some... well... "notties."

Donnie does this weekly, so be sure to subscribe to his blog.

You'll thank me for it.

900 Days

I may be reading COUNTDOWN...

...and between you, me and the other fanboys, if it the writing doesn't pick up soon, D.C. can kiss my weekly $2.50 goodbye...

...but this is what my iGoogle Countdown shows today and this is the real countdown that I have my eye on.

Well, other than that whole "How Many Days Till Dubya Vacates The Whitehouse" thing.

P.S. Yeah, I know I defended COUNTDOWN in it's first few weeks, but it's severely starting to suck. In a very boring, lame assed way.

And while we're at it, can we just end this whole AMAZONS ATTACK! thing now? WAY too many crossovers, much too much bad Wonder Woman writing and hey D.C. - - PLEASE do away with Circe! For a long, long, LONG while!

"I Am Big! It's YouTube That Got Small!"

A few weeks ago, Alanda introduced me to the world of the "Dramatic Prairie Dog" on YouTube.
It's only fitting that, after my lovely dinner with Alanda last night, I should come home and discover this new YouTube "Dramatic Prairie Dog" video from my extremely talented friend, George Howe.

George calls this...

Drama (Queen) Prairie Dog

His description....

"Internet sensation Drama (Queen) Prairie Dog starring in Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical "Sunset Boulevard". (Yeah, it's what you think!) Easy on the eyeliner, P-Dog."

If you've never seen one of these before, check out the original here. Then, you'll understand just how brilliant George's take on the "Prairie Dog" oeuvre really is!

What Men Wear Nightly

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Our Annual Vacation Photo

My brother had a great idea a couple of years ago on our annual vacation in Hilton Head, SC - - buy a cheap, disposable, water-resistant camera for $10 and take pictures of the two of us and my mom in the ocean.

Then, we go to the Internet Cafe / Souvenir Shop, buy one of those tacky vacation frames, put one of the pictures in it and give it to my mom.

She now has three of these in her apartment. This will make four.

But look at this fun picture that we have from this year's vacation...


Isn't that great?!? I love the "Norma Desmond Put Vaseline-On-The-Lens" glowy quality it has and the way the light is shimmering off the water in the lower left hand corner of the picture.

On our first visit to Hilton Head, my brother bought my mother that cheap, little round float and it is now her favorite possession at the beach.


My mother likes nothing better than to lay back in the water inside that float and just drift. The more calm the waves are, the better.


When the day comes that my mother is no longer with us on this planet, this is how I will picture her in Heaven.


Laying back. At peace. Not a care in the world.

3,665 And Counting...

I just updated the section of my blog where I track the number of U.S. Soldiers who have lost their lives in the Iraq War since March, 2003.

The current total as of today, August 4th, is Three Thousand, Six Hundred Sixty-Five U.S. Soldiers who have died in this war.

Again, that is not some random number. Those are people. Our people. Our friends, our family, our loved ones. Our people.

I previously updated this section on July 31st - - only four days ago - - and in those four days twelve U.S. Soldiers died. Twelve!

What the fuck do we - - the citizens of the United States - - have to do to convince our elected officials that we want this war to end now? Elections didn't work. Blogging and bitching isn't working. What will work? Good old fashioned protesting in the streets? That hasn't done much to change the Washington Elite's opinion on Immigration Reform, now has it?

Maybe screaming and shouting and DEMANDING the impeachment of Bush and Cheney will help us end this war. Shirley Heezgay posted about this site a few days ago - - ImpeachBush.org. Maybe casting our vote on this site will help. I will try anything to get America to care about men and women dying half a world away in a war our leaders lied to get us into. I'll do anything to get America and Americans angry.

It's such an old joke now that it's bordering on the pathetic, but if it takes me putting on a shitty, blue dress and a beret, getting down on my knees and blowing both Bush and Cheney to get someone to start impeachment proceedings on these two morally corrupt, smug destroyers of The Constitution, then bring me my knee pads and put those withered cocks in my mouth. I've had it with waiting and talking and debating.

Listen up, Democrats: Grow a pair of balls and fight back. Somebody somewhere must stop these motherfuckers in The White House. It's already too late for 3,665 of our own people. How many more have to die until we admit we have no idea what we're doing over there and get the Hell out?

Let's get our house in order before we try to change the world to be just like us.

Small Town Gay Bar

A couple of gay bloggers - - both Planet Homo and one of my new favorite bloggers, Famous Like Me - - posted about this Kevin Smith produced documentary that I, for some reason, had not yet heard of, SMALL TOWN GAY BAR.



Usually, I'm much too far behind in my TiVo viewing to check out Comcast's ON DEMAND programs, but since I'm dog sitting at Chez Pacas, I was browsing through the available titles and saw this documentary listed.

And I'm so happy that I had read the posts above. If I hadn't, I might have passed right over this documentary.

If you want to know what it's like growing up gay in a small town, watch this film.

Living in Chicago - - with an apartment deep in the heart of Boystown, where I can walk to literally a dozen or more gay bars, restaurants, shops, etc in a block or less - - this reminded me what it was like to go to "The Bar" every weekend.

This reminded me of the courage that it took to even walk into "The Bar" the first time.

This reminded me of my first Gay Pride Parade. In my hometown of Knoxville, TN.

Thirty of us. Getting ready to walk three or four blocks through the streets of "downtown" Knoxville. And on the sidewalks weren't cheering crowds or friends or friendly faces. On the sidewalks were lines and lines of men and women screaming their hate towards us. On the sidewalks were camera crews from the local area TV stations ready to video tape you for broadcast on the 6 o'clock news, as if to say...

"If you're going to march in this parade, everybody in town is going to know it. You can't be in the closet anymore if you march in this parade."

I remember a friend of mine who desperately wanted to march looking at me with sadness and terror in his eyes when he saw those cameras. He cried and told me he just couldn't do it - - he couldn't march. He told me how sorry he was.

A small group of us marched, but it was terrifying. Nothing at all like Chicago's Pride Parade. No love. No support. No joy. Only hate coming at you from all directions.

It takes an incredible amount of courage and bravery for these men and women in small town America to live their lives openly. We forget that, living in our big cities inside our gay ghettos.

If you want to see the true spirit of Gay America, click away from Perez Hilton or Gay.com for one afternoon and visit the sites of two of the gay bars shown in this film - - Different Seasons and Rumors.

And watch SMALL TOWN GAY BAR. Soon.

Hollywood Royalty

Do you hear that, y'all.

It's the sound of an axe slowly chopping it's way through a teeny tree.

The sound of a movie star scrubbing and waxing her floor and DEMANDING that you remove your shoes. (No need to remove your socks, however. She can handle the socks.)

The sound of Hollywood Royalty jogging down the street with her maid driving the convertable beside her as the glamour girl runs faster and faster, muttering to herself and the universe, "Survive! Survive! Survive! Survive!"

Yep, it's THE JOANS!



They play tonight at Jackhammer ( 6406 N. Clark) in The Flesh Hungry Dog Rock Show.

It's only $8. You can join me there. But not at Perrino's.

"Damn it, Perrino's is MY PLACE!"

"I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at the dirt!"

Teen Titans: Year One

Several comic book bloggers, including Ray over at Super Underwear Perverts and your's truly, are squealing with childhood glee after the release of a couple of images by Kark Kerschl for DC's upcoming miniseries, TEEN TITANS: YEAR ONE.



During my first comic book collection phase - - roughly from about age 7 or 8 to college... which I refer to as my personal "Golden Age" - - I became obsessed with THE NEW TEEN TITANS by Marv Wolfman and George Perez. I loved it so much that I started spending big bucks on back issues of the original series, THE TEEN TITANS, and reveled in the kitschy, 60's sensibility.

With so many different teen heroes added to the roster over the years (especially during that 52 week gap in ONE YEAR LATER... does ANYONE know what the Hell happened to The Titans during that year... I mean, "Young Frankenstein," y'all?), it's great to see the group at it's BRAVE AND BOLD original (well, second appearance) membership of four - - Robin (Dick Grayson), Wonder Girl (Donna Troy), Kid Flash (Wally West) and Aqualad (Garth)

I mean, Wonder Girl in those red, lace up sandals and Robin back in booties and green briefs - - what's not to love?

And Kerschl's Aqualad... wild...

"Maxine Funny"

My mother just sent me a fax.

A fax featuring her favorite cartoon character - - Maxine, the bitchy, old Hallmark lady.

Correction: It's not a cartoon. It's a "funny." Because on the subject line of her fax coversheet, Mama wrote, "Maxine funny."

Since my mother doesn't usually talk like Frankenstein, Tonto or Captain Caveman, I assume that the verb of this sentence isn't missing.

Therefore, "Maxine" is describing "funny."

Sort of like when my grandmother used to call my comic books my "funny books" back in the day.

Anyway, also on the coversheet, my Mama has written, "I thought of you on this one."

The faxed copy of the "funny" has Maxine sitting on a bus or subway train seat.

The caption reads...

"The only thing wrong with public transportation is that it involves the public."

Now, why would that remind my mother of me?

The One, The Only...

Last week, my TiVo picked up a 1991 HBO special on Groucho Marx entitled, HERE HE IS... THE ONE, THE ONLY... GROUCHO!

It's a great, little biography of Groucho's life. George Fenneman, Groucho's foil on the comedy quiz show YOU BET YOUR LIFE...

... or as Groucho used to call him, "the male Margaret Dumont"...

...tells my favorite Groucho Marx ad lib from that show...

Groucho: "So, you got any kids?"

Mrs. Story (Contestant): "Yes, Groucho, I have nineteen children."

Groucho: "Nineteen?! Why do you have so many children? That's a big responsibility and a big burden."

Mrs. Story: "Well, I love my husband."

Groucho: "I love my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

As funny as that is, that's not why this little Groucho biography is resonating with me today.

You see, today is Peter O'Toole's birthday and on the Groucho special, Dick Cavett said that Groucho would write long, fascinating letters about whatever specific topic you had asked him about, but he couldn't close the letter without a nonsensical post script.

Mr. Cavett remembers one post script extremely well...

"P.S. Have you ever noticed that Peter O'Toole has a double phallic name?"

The Emperor's... err... Prince's New Clothes

No, this isn't another picture for a My Favorite Caption contest...


...although it should be...


This is picture of Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince Frederick von Anhalt - - you know, the guy who claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole's daughter a few months back.


"Why is he naked?," you ask?


Well, now he's claming that a group of women pulled up next to his Rolls-Royce, asked if they could take his picture and then robbed him and stripped him at gunpoint, leaving him naked and cuffed to the steering wheel.

Sounds logical to me. I know that last time I found a 64 year old man naked and cuffed to the steering wheel of his Rolls-Royce, he told me the very same thing had happened to him...

...right after he asked me if he could touch my balls... as a friend...

The "cuffs" don't look too tight, though, do they?

I mean, it sort of looks like he might have "cuffed" himself... among other things.

My favorite part of this whole thing is that someone had the forethought to snap this picture BEFORE helping Prince von Naked-NumNuts out of the "cuffs" and into a pair of boxer briefs... and Old Navy flip-flops.

I mean, those women took everything. His dignity AND his shoes. They left him his cap, though. Guess he didn't want to be naked AND display his bald spot. That might have killed him.

Thanks to one of my new favorite bloggers, Shirley Heezgay, for bringing this story to my attention!

The Wild Women of Boho Are Back

Well, they're back.

And if you didn't see them the first time, you have three chance to see them now.

As I wrote about the show during it's initial run this past April...

These six women - - Jess Godwin, Cassandra Liveris, Vanessa Panerossa, Jennifer Jordan Rhoads, Karen-Marie Richardson, and Blair Robertson - - met a few years ago when they were cast in Bohemian Theatre Ensemble's first production of the musical, THE WILD PARTY.

The show is about them, their lives, the struggles of being a theatre artist, the production that brought them together and their friendships that remain strong to this day.

These women are outstanding musical performers and their musical director, Nick Sula, is a godsend! His arrangements are breathtaking. The music he makes is thrilling.

I co-directed this show, but don't go because of that - - go cause it's great.

TMI Tuesday

My fourth TMI Tuesday. It's like a weekly meme, isn't it?

While we're at it, what the Hell is a "meme" anyway?


1. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?

Over. And I can't believe I actually have a preference for that. The only reason I do have a preference for that is that I heard this same question on THE DATING GAME years ago and thought, "I don't have a preference for that. I better get one! Fast!"


2. Toilet when you are done: everything up, seat down but lid up, everything down?

I live alone, so whatever position it needs to be in for me to do my business is how I leave it after the business is done. 'Nuff said.



3. When was the last time you kissed someone not your significant other? [I am talking about a kiss with some gusto not just a little hello or goodbye peck]

What's with this assuming I have a "significant other," bitch?!? Geez. It's hard enough dealing with those fuckers at restaurants when I'm dining alone who say the inevitable, "Just one this evening?"

If I had a boyfriend, they would never say, "Just the two of you this evening? Popular couple (snicker). Follow me."

But to answer the question, I last kissed someone with gusto this past weekend.

You didn't ask "Who it was," now did you?


4. Would you rather have your significant other have sex with someone else or fall in love with someone else? [You have to pick one.]

I'd rather have a significant other who would have the balls... and the class, the decency and the honesty... to tell me if/when he was having sex with someone else or had fallen in love with someone else.

We can't control the people we love. Indeed, "controlling them" is the exact opposite of loving them.

As my Daddy says

"If you have to tie up your dog,
it ain't your dog."

5. If you had $1,000,000 to give away, how would you divide it up? Who and how much?

I would give it all to my mom.

I would buy her a really great house in Hilton Head right on the beach. Then I would buy her a new car and set the rest up in an account to earn interest and allow her to live comfortably and peacefully for the rest of her life.

She's worked so hard to give me so much, she deserves it.


Bonus (as in optional): Tell us something that very few people know about you.

I have a recurring nightmare I have had since I was a child. It involves my horrific fear of spiders.

The dream is always the same, though it changes as my life changes. Basically, I start my day as usual - - get up, shower, shave, make my way to school or work, etc. - - and at some point - - even late in the "day" - - I will see one spider or several spiders.

At that moment, I can't move and I can't make any noise, even though I am desperately trying to move, to run away and I am trying like Hell to scream my head off.

And as I'm paralyzed, the spider or spiders start moving towards me, slowly. The closer they get, the more frantic I become and yet I can't move and no sound is coming out of my mouth. My fear level rises to the point of insanity.

Then, just before the spider touches me, I wake up. In the dream, I haven't been able to move or make sound, but in real time, I am thrashing around in the bed, hitting and punching and screaming bloody murder.

I've been known to beat the living Hell out of boyfriends when I have this dream. But that's the thing about the dream - - I only have it when something is significantly wrong in my life.

When my stepmother came to live with my father and I - - a full year before they were married - - I had the dream once or twice a week. I had the dream so often that my father would stop coming in the room when he heard me scream. He knew I was just having "that nightmare" again.

But when I turned 19 and moved into my own apartment by myself, the dream stopped. Since then, I only have it when I'm dating someone who is treating me with disrespect or when I'm working with or am friends with someone who is cruel to me.

Weird huh?

Planet Unicorn 5: Debbie the "Betch"

Just when you think that all hope is lost...

When Britney devolves back to her white trash roots...

When Lindsay's reverts to rehab...

When nobody will fucking start the goddamn impeachment proceedings on a government so full of lies and bullshit that they make my ex-boyfriend look trustworthy...

The world gives us the Fifth Installment of

PLANET UNICORN

(Hey!)

All is not right on Planet Unicorn. Shannon has a new best friend - - a "betch" named Debbie - - and Feathers, Cadillac and Tom Cruise are attacked at a picnic.

Is this the end of our Très Gay Trio? Watch Planet Unicorn 5 and find out!



New to Planet Unicorn? Be sure to check out Episodes One, Two, Three and Four.

Bye now. Gay Rader!

Big Ole' White Trash Mess

"Big Ole' White Trash Mess."

Imagine that phrase pops up in the "Answer" box on JEOPARDY!

I would buzz in and say...

"What is Britney + KFC +
Puppie + Couture?"

And I would be right.

In the never-ending chronicles of "I Didn't Think She Could Sink Any Lower... But She Has" life of Ms. Britney (Now Officially Divorced From K-Fed) Spears, there was a photo shoot for OK! Magazine. I'm sure you know this but Gossip Girls reports that during the photo shoot, Britney...

According to the peeps at OK!, Britney ordered fried chicken during her interview and kept wiping the grease on her designer dress. She also frequented the ladies room, neglecting to close the door behind her.

And it gets worse. Brit’s dog did some 'floor decorating' that ended up soiling a $6700 Chanel gown. This led to a verbal protest from the stylist.

Well, being a Southerner, I can understand about the "fried chicken" thing. If they didn't want her to wipe her hands on her dress, they shouldn't have ordered Original Recipe. Come on, y'all.

But letting the dog poop on Chanel - - even my kinfolk who live up in the mountains would say, "That just ain't right."

Well, they would say that it "just ain't right" to pay that much money for a dress in the first place.

You know how many payments you can make on your Double Wide with $6700? And we wouldn't let our dog take a crap on or in our Double Wide neither!!!

Fortunately for all of us, Gallery of the Absurd has once again taken the lemons of this celebrity tragedy, added a large amount of vodka and sugar and created a magnificent vodka lemonade work of art.

I give you :"A Stricken Britney Strikes A Pose"




Britney Spears: One Step Below Poor White Trash.

And sinking as we speak.

Lindsay & Dina Get Served

I think everyone in the Nation would agree with the following quote about Lindsay Lohan...

"I hope she does okay but at a certain point, there's so many bigger problems in the world than Lindsay Lohan."

I would venture to say that you don't really need the phrase "at a certain point."

I mean, if your list of The World's Big Problems includes this spoiled, Young Hollywood, booze-and-coke hound "actress" alongside issues like The War in Iraq, Global Warming and the tragedy of Darfur, your priorities are SERIOUSLY fucked up...

...and you're probably an American.

The author of the quote above went on to say...

"Lindsay, get it together, America will forgive you but you gotta do something positive with your life.

"I hope she gets her head out of her nice, cute little rear end and finds a life for herself.

"She's very talented, and a special little actress but there are so many people out there who'd trade positions with her in a heartbeat and use it better than she is."

Pretty good, huh? Who is the author of those quotes?

Rob Scheider

You know it's bad when you're getting life coaching and career counseling from this guy...

Apparently, Lindsay's mother Dina (Dina Lohan, not Dina Merrill. Wouldn't it be great if Linsay's mother WAS Dina Merrill, though?) criticized Rob's performance as Lindsay on last week's TONIGHT SHOW with Jay Leno.

Mr. Schneider responded to the criticism by saying...

"When Mrs. Lohan stops partying with her child, then I'll have an ounce of respect for her."

Well put, Rob Schneider. Bitchy, catty and judgemental. I think we could be friends.

My Favorite Caption Contest #3

Needless to say, it was extremely hard to choose, but this week's My Favorite Caption winner is Lance over at Yokel Boy Makes Good (formerly known as "Seoul-ful").

Lance submitted several excellent captions for this week's pic, but here's my favorite...

"Hold on, I'm getting a call."

That truly made me laugh out loud! Perfect caption.

And for this week's pic in need of a caption, I give you a picture I'm almost certain came from Super Underwear Perverts. But with all the pics of extremely hot men that are posted to that blog every day, it's impossible to keep track of them.

Even when they're this cute... wearing a Hulk t-shirt...

Here's this weeks picture in need of a caption...


Say what you will about this guy, but he knows The Hulk's color palate.

The purple briefs are a neat, tidy version of those ripped up purple pants that the Hulk always seemed to wear.

While we're on the subject, how many pairs of purple pants did Bruce Banner own, anyway?!? Every single time he transforms into The Hulk, HE'S WEARING PURPLE PANTS!!!

Maybe it's not the gamma radiation, Dr. Banner. Maybe it's the friggin' purple pants! I know I would get pissed off if I had to wear purple pants every damn day!

And one more thing - - Where in the Hell would Bruce Banner go to buy a week's supply of purple pants?!?

For him, I'm thinking a weeks supply is about 100 pairs.

Regardless, this week's contest is now open. Reply with what you think the caption should be for "Hulk boy's" pic up there.

Deadline for possible captions is this Saturday, August 4th at midnight (CST).