"He's Got You and Me, Brother..."

I love it when Fail Blog comes deliciously close to XTube.

("...comes deliciously..." Funny...)

But I don't think this is a Fail at all. Looks like a Win to me. And a pretty big Win too.

Speaking of a big Win, check out that singlet. Sing it with me...

"He's got the whole world
in his hand..."

"I'm Wearing Them, And I Just Did"

The iPad? Seriously. The iPad?!?

Sounds like Apple's solution for those heavy flow days when the iPhone just isn't enough.

Or Steve Jobs adding apps to "Oops, I Crapped My Pants."

Being a PC suddenly sounds much cooler, doesn't it?

"Talk About a Ball Dropping"

I love me some John Roberts!

All of his characters, all of his videos, anything the man does, I love it.

Especially when he plays his mother.

Add Debbie Harry into the mix as John's / his mother's friend Fran, and it's like buttah. A bizarre, wackadoodle buttah that probably tastes like a bathroom floor tile at CBGB's, but buttah nonetheless.

And the fact that he uploaded this new video to YouTube on my birthday is like icing on the cake. And not just any icing.

Icing like the kind Philip made and covered on top of my birthday cake. A cake Philip baked for me. From a Paula Deen recipe.

Yeah, it's that good!

"That's a Nice Little Nothing You're Almost Wearing"

To be absolutely honest...

When I heard that there was going to be a new version of the 80's television hair extravaganza, "V"...

I thought...

...no, I hoped...

..actually, I prayed... (sort of...)

...that the creative team would steer the new version of "V" in THIS direction. For obvious reasons.

Apparently, I thought the creative team consisted of Chi Chi LaRue, Sean Cody, and Rip Taylor.

With Mr. Bubble doing costumes.

"The Police Took Your Chicken? It Was Illegal Chicken?"

I'm back in Chicago and I have an important message for all Southerners:

Pimento cheese is a hazardous material!

I'm not saying that pimento cheese is hazardous TO tighty-whities (in the Colon Blow way). I mean pimento cheese is hazardous LIKE tighty-whities.

Yes, the pimento cheese spread that my mother purchased at the Food Lion and then gave to me to take home (don't judge) is considered a "liquid or gel" by Homeland Security.

Pimento cheese + white bread =
lunch.

Pimento cheese + Stephen =
"Danger! Queen with a Spread! DANGER!"

Knoxville Airport Security confiscated my pimento cheese spread, y'all! I'm lucky I got through with Mama's fried chicken!

I'm sorry, but if redneck boys can no longer travel with pimento cheese, Mama's fried chicken, a couple of Moon Pies and an RC coca-cola, the terrorists win!

"You Can Fly!"

My friend Michael Pacas sent this to me. Today. My birthday.

I feel like Kal-El himself!!!

"Blow Out Your Candles, Laura"

This "Pat Down" video came out a year ago, but I still couldn't agree more.

Especially since, tomorrow, I will be bombarded by Facebook birthday wishes on my "Wall."

Don't get me wrong, I love birthday wishes, on my "Wall" or any place else, but if you're going to wish me a happy birthday, at least say more than just "Happy Birthday!" Maybe add a little, "Many happy returns of the day."

Or a "You don't look it."

Or my personal favorite, "You don't look a day over gorgeous!"

Actually, a few hundred posts of "You don't look a day over gorgeous!" on my wall would be just fine!




P.S. When the video shows people that have "poked" Pat, I know one of the guys. Recognize one of those names, Bryant?

"He Kills Me"

When I first met my friend Eric Reda, he had a picture of Ronald Reagan on a wall in his home.

I immediately said...

"What's this son of a bitch doing here?"

Eric then told me about the opera he was writing ("Reagan's Children") based on the speeches that Ronnie's children gave at his memorial.

I replied...

"In the 80's and early 90's, this man killed half of my friends as if he had taken a knife and stabbed them in the heart."

It's true. Not saying the word "AIDS" until 1987, not doing anything to help those who were dying of this dreadful disease because it was only killing homosexuals, Haitians and hemophiliacs - - he killed my friends. Him and that horrific harpy of a wife of his, Nancy. When she dies, I will dance and sing, just like I did when Ronnie died.

Reagan is something of a saint to Republicans these days. Even though he couldn't win his party's nomination if he were to run for President today. Reagan wouldn't be conservative enough for all the Neo-Reaganites out there.

So, when I have to deal with the country's revisionist history about Reagan, I take some time to remember my friends, remember their names, their faces, their humor, their smiles.

Then, I watch this clip from the 1964 film, "The Killers." And I imagine myself as John Cassavetes.

And I punch Reagan right in his smug, cowardly face.




Interesting that, in Reagan's final film before entering into public service, he played his first and only bad guy. And by "interesting," I mean "telling."

"Supersize Me"

There have been several different Justice Leagues over the years: Justice League of America, Justice League Europe, Justice League International, Justice League Detroit.

For those non-fanboys who think I'm joking about Justice League: Detroit, I'm not. The team leader was Aquaman. And one of the members was Vibe, a breakdancing superhero. Obviously, being headquartered in Detroit was the least of their worries.

Still, Justice League Detroit doesn't come anywhere near the high level of suck of the Justice League we see here...

Justice League Schaumburg.

Notice they chose to be photographed in front of a refrigerator.

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...

"Slip It In My Purse"

"Spider-Man 4" may have gotten canned...

Which means that Tobey Maguire may never again wear the Spidey suit, no matter what the color...

And that Malkovich may never give another thought to what bizarre, "What the fuck is he DOING?!?" way that he would play a flying, bald, Spidey villain named The Vulture...

Also, as for showtune Spidey, "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" may be out of money, the cast may be out of rehearsals, the creative team may have (finally) delayed previews, and the producers may still be trying to convince the public (and themselves) that the $50 million musical will actually open sometime this year...

And, as you can see, Spider-Man himself may be taking some low (albeit fun, if you're well lubricated) blows from a few bad guys...

But...

When your good friends Alanda Coon and Steve Hobson (along with their beautiful newborn son, Grayson) give you this Spider-Man messenger bag as an early birthday present, all is right in Peter Parker's corner of the Marvel Universe.

Thanks, guys! I will carry it with style and care for it like I would a mint condition copy of "Amazing Fantasy #15."

Because with great accessories comes great responsibility.

Excelsior!

"Lana Turner Has Collapsed!"

Philip emailed this video to me yesterday and I can't stop playing it.

That's what happens some YouTube genius combines my favorite Frank O'Hara poem ("Lana Turner Has Collapsed!") with Nirvana's "Love Buzz" - - I get a little obsessive.

Now, all I need is someone to combine my favorite Dorothy Parker poem ("Comment") with a song by The Killers, or The Ting-Tings. Or maybe they could use Deee-Lite's "Groove is in the Heart."

Oy... "Deee-Lite." I'm showing every one of my soon-to-be 40 years with my love of that dance band, aren't I?

One mention of "Groove is in the Heart" and I'm dating myself...

But the sex is FABULOUS!!!

Fratboy Friday

For some reason, all day today, I've had Billie Holiday's cover of "Sophisticated Lady" playing in my head. Mostly the bridge. Actually, just the bridge. Over and over.

That's the only excuse I have for this being a Fratboy Friday / Lady Day mashup.

Don't complain, or I'll add Ethel Merman's Disco Album to the mix.

BOYS IN CAPS

"Smokin'..."

****

SAGGERS

"Drinkin'..."

****

MOONERS

"Never thinkin' of tomorrow..."

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

"Nonchalant..."

"In My Tennessee Mountain Home..."

I have never been a fan of "American Idol."

I've tried to watch a few episodes, but that show, like "America's Got Talent," "Dancing with the Stars" and the rest of them, feels like "Circus of the Stars 2.0: The Legend of Curly's Gold" to me.

It was all done in the 70's and done badly. And here's America, 40 years later, feasting on something that tasted like mildewed dung almost half a century ago.

But, as I was doing laundry last night, my mother called me and told me about this girl, Vanessa Wolfe from Vonore, TN, and let me just say that this girl IS the South.

She is everything I love about the South, everything cute and simple and real and pure. She's sweet with a side of "cut you like a circle saw," and I cried a little and laughed a lot as I watched the full clip.

Maybe this is why people watch "American Idol," to find those people you connect with and root for them. Because if anybody deserves the best that this insane publicity machine of a Hollywood can provide, it's Vanessa.

And if they bring her all the way to Hollywood just to send her back to Vonore on a plane after singing one song, they won't have to worry about losing Simon next season. I'll take him out THIS season. And I'll leave them with Randy and Carla. Whoever the Hell THEY are.

"Hell Ain't Half Full"

Whenever my father is driving, if someone passes him recklessly doing 90 miles an hour on the interstate or on a back, country road, my dad says the same thing...

"Go ahead, buddy. Hell ain't half full."

I would like to say the very same thing today to both Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson.

The vile, disgusting ways that these two men warp human suffering and tragedy for their own gains and/or to push a political agenda is both shameful and shocking.

Go ahead, guys. Ride on the deaths of thousands of people before their bodies have even been recovered, much less buried.

Go on. Hell ain't half full.

Tell 'em, Keith.

"Deep in the Heart of Texas"

Remember when there was all that talk about Texas possibly seceding from the Union?

Why didn't we do more to encourage that?

****

Boy, 4, Chooses Long Locks
and Is Suspended From Class

"HOUSTON — A suburban Dallas school district has suspended a 4-year-old from his prekindergarten class because he wears his hair too long and does not want his parents to cut it.

"The boy, Taylor Pugh, says he likes his hair long and curly. But on Monday night, the school board in Mesquite voted unanimously to enforce its ban on Beatles haircuts, much less anything approaching coiffures of bands like Led Zeppelin. School officials say the district’s dress code serves to limit distractions in the classroom.

"No exception could be made for the pint-size rebel, who sat through the hearing with his hair in a ponytail, manifestly bored.

"'It’s a trade-off,' said one board member, Gary Bingham, an insurance agent, in an interview. 'Do the parents value his education more than they value a 4-year-old’s decision to make his own grooming choices?'

"The boy’s parents, Delton Pugh and Elizabeth Taylor, have argued that it is unfair to punish Taylor for his longish locks; it suggests, they say, that the district cares more about appearances than education.

"'I don’t think it’s right to hold a child down and force him to do something,' Mr. Pugh, a tattoo artist, told The Associated Press. 'It’s not hurting him or affecting his education.' The parents rejected a compromise proposed by the board under which they would braid his hair and pin it up.

"Since Nov. 24, when his principal decreed that Taylor’s hair had grown too long, the boy has been sent to the library to study alone with a teacher’s aide. 'They kicked me out of that place,' Taylor told a reporter on Dec. 17. 'I miss my friends.'

"His parents plan to appeal the school board ruling to the state education commissioner. In the meantime, school officials said they would continue to separate Taylor from other children."

****

I question many things about Texas that Texans seem to have no problem with- - easy-to-purchase firearms, drive-thru liquor stores, blind people having the right to hunt - - but apparently, most Texans believe that a free thinking, 4 year old boy with long hair is a danger to himself and others. A menace. Probably a Socialist.

So, if Texas doesn't (or won't) secede from the Union, can we all just agree to NOT elect another President from this state until we can prove that each Texan family tree actually forks?!?

"With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility"

I keep thinking about this whole Spider-Man movie reboot thing, and you know...

It took the James Bond films 40 years, 20 official (and 2 unofficial) 007 movies, 5 Bonds, a handful of Blofelds, a few Ms, a couple of Moneypennys and 1 Q before the 60's superspy needed a reboot.

Sam Raimi's Spider-Man did it in 8 years, 2 films & one symbiote / Sandman / "See Sad Spidey Samba!" mashup of a movie.

What is that? Progress? The new "Marvel Method"? It hasn't even been a decade and they're going to feed us another creation story - - the one story NO ONE needs to see because even if you've never picked up a comic book in your life, you know Spidey's creation story.

Can't the powers that be work out their creative differences so that we get NEW Spider-Man stories. And by that, I mean one story per movie, not 4 stories covered in Vaseline and shoved down our holes (a.k.a. "Spider-Man 3"). Oy...

Stories shoved in holes aside, speaking of the Bond and Spidey films, how about Dame Judi Dench as Aunt May?

And I'm thinking Daniel Craig as... I don't know... Any Spidey villain who wears just a Speedo and a wicked smile. I'm not much of a Marvel fan, so I'm not sure what villain that might be, but if there isn't a villain like that in the Marvel Universe, I'll friggin' create it!

Excuse me, I need to watch a little bit of "Casino Royale" for about 15 minutes. I'll be back...

"She Took the Pepsi Challenge, She Chose Jiff"

I agree with Auntie Joan, the Costa Rican terrorist, who says...

"Men like them stupid.
No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card."

I can add that no man will ever say...

"You are so funny! I've never laughed so hard before. Now, lay back and let Daddy ride you like the bitch you are!"

Similarly, singing showtunes in public severely diminishes your chances of getting laid. For months.

You know, if I was a dumb straight dude with no sense of humor, gay guys would be crawling over themselves to do me.

Oy...

"Composite Superman"

My good buddy Prospero from Caliban's Revenge sent me this little Fail Blog pic yesterday and the second I saw it, I knew it was perfect for Super Tuesday.

Sure, it's an action figure and not a real person (a.k.a. "tight-bodied, young, dumb straight boy") in a homemade superhero costume (a.k.a. "Speedos, a belly shirt and a smile")...

But don't think of "Specialman" as an action figure Fail...

Think of Specialman as a bizarre mashup of Kal-El from Krypton and Cousin Geri from "The Facts of Life," ...

See? That's a win! A very un-PC, "Blair Warner full of shame" win!


P.S. Is it just me or does this short bus Superman remind anyone else of "Nicholas Cage as Superman" in that Tim Burton movie that almost happened?

Yeah, you're right. That's just insulting to Specialman.

"I Like the Pole AND the Hole..."

A few minutes ago, my co-worker Don walked into my office and offered me one of these.

He offered me a Nip.

And I fell on the floor, laughing like the crazy bitch that I am.

Because all I could think about was putting one of these in my mouth and having someone call and ask me what I was doing, so that I could reply (in my best Jerri Blank voice)...

"Just sittin' here suckin' on a Nip!
MMMmmm... Good times!"

It's little things like this that make me happy. And prove my insanity.

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

He's a bad boy. But apparently, only from behind.

Does that mean his front side is strictly vanilla and uber-boring in bed?

Or is he trying to de-emphasize his miniature penis with that large, thug-inspired tat?

No, I'll bet he's a total bottom and also (ironically) hung like a horse on growth

hormones and trying to keep the focus on his "bad boy" ass. Trying to hide his candy.

So no one will whine and beg for it.

Which is why, if I was a total bottom (shut up... don't say it... I said shut up!), I would get the same tattoo on my back. See how hard it is to figure out how to live with a huge penis?

****

SAGGERS

It's not easy to give the camera that much testosterone-infused

intensity when you're standing in front of a wallpaper border that

almost makes Holly Hobbie look like Lady Gaga...

But Mr. Joe Boxer McGunShow here really pulled it off.

(That's not all I'll bet he could pull off...)

****

MOONERS

Mama was right! You CAN buy just about ANYTHING

at those new Super Walmarts...

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

"Cellophane, Mr. Cellophane..."

You know? That song from the musical "Chicago"? I think this is their staging of it.

This is what would happen if only straight men did musical theatre. All of it - - the direction, design, costumes, etc. This is the kind of show we'd be watching.

Young, dumb and full of cum, tight-bodied, drunken, naked college boys singing showtunes

and putting on musical theatre performances...

You don't ever have to do a Google search for "Stephen's Idea of Heaven."

You just read it.

My New Favorite Caption Contest #45

Okay, here's the deal...

I will be more attentive to my little caption contest and will A) choose a winner for each contest and then B) post a new picture for everyone to caption in a timely fashion (a.k.a. "before Halley's comet returns")

That's not a New Year's resolution. It's not a promise. It's not even a goal. It's just something I'm going to put out into the universe with the hope that somehow, it will magically become true, even though I will do absolutely nothing to make that happen. (Ooo, I am callin' me out, ain't I?)

I think certain people call that "prayer." Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Now, the last picture I posted for the #44 Caption Contest (back in July - - don't think of me as lazy, think of the contest as bi-annual) was bizarre little comic-con photo that once again provided Philip with the ultimate canvas for another brilliant caption...

"There were a few touch-and-go years there

when Drew Barrymore would date ANYTHING!"

A brilliantly funny caption that works on so many different levels, none of which I am able to explain. I just know that it's funny. Like the letter "k." And the word "pleather." And Glenn Beck crying.

Speaking of huge dicks, here's the picture for the #45 Caption Contest...

I don't know what IT is, I don't know who HE is, but I do know that if I saw something like that dangling out of a wall, I would do exactly what this man is doing...

I'd touch it. And if it started getting bigger, I'd marry it.

"Miss Teschmacher!"

My friend Michael sent me a link to some new pics at Exterface with a simple message...

"I'm sure you've seen this but just in case..."

Actually, I hadn't seen these new superhero pics (Thank you, Michael!), but as hot as they are, they don't hold a candle to their earlier Robin pics.

Sure, this guys is hot and all, but in that Bedazzled eye patch, he looks a little too "Arlene Francis on 'What's My Line'" for me.

And as much as I love Arlene, she never really turned my knob, if you know what I mean.

"It's Family Helping Family"

Check out my good friend Alexandra Billings' brand new YouTube video for Season of Concern.

What is Season of Concern? I think Alex breaks down the work we do at Season of Concern in a wonderful way when she says...

"It's more than just an organization,
it's family helping family."

Thank you so much, Alex!

"Tap Your Troubles Away"

You know, it wasn't that long ago that the straight, American public could have watched the commercial below and would have had no idea why it would make their gay friends chuckle.

Their gay friends into tea room trade, that is.

This reminds me of my friend Jessica Hallem's very funny bit she says in her standup gigs. About the lesbian version of a glory hole. Jessica says...

"On one side, I'd put my ear,
and on the other side somebody whispers something like,
'You're so pretty.'"

Hilarious.

"Victor Won the Three-Legged Race All By Himself"

Look at one of the gifts that Bryant gave me for Christmas.

Isn't it wonderful when someone gives you a gift you can actually use?

Finally, a self-help book for people like me.

With chapters like...

"Upzipping:
Coming Out to Your Friends and Family"

...and...

"Sharing Your Pain:
Sexual Intercourse with a Huge Penis"

...this is the gift that keeps on giving.

Similar to my...

Well, you get the idea.

Fratboy Friday

New Years Eve at the end of a decade that coincides with a Full Moon... Oy...

I'll bet you...

BOYS IN CAPS

...finally made it to a party after each one of your friends
called you and played the Milli Vanilli cover of
"What Are You Doing New Year's Eve"...




****




SAGGERS

...drank just enough to rip off your shirt as the ball dropped,
but weren't so trashed that you found a Depends Undergarment
in the bathroom cabinet, put it on, and played Baby New Year...

And then asked random people to change you...

And then had some of them take you up on it...

No, that didn't happen... Did it?...




****





SAGGERS

...woke up sometime before dawn to a
very interesting buffet...

...and demanded seconds...




****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

...and this afternoon, when you woke up naked in a forest preserve,
you were lucky enough to find a bottle big enough to cover both
Mr. Happy AND The Boys during your cross county, naked Walk of Shame.

Well done, you! Happy New Year!

"We've Beem Yanked... Good and Hard!"

Rob at Seduced by the New... posted this "New Teen Titans"-post "Judas Contract" panel a little while ago, and I have to pass it on for two reasons:

1) To continue my tradition of showing non-comic book fans that not all the crazy in the universe comes from "The Wendy Williams Show," and...

2) Because, in an uber-random and bizarre way, it describes the cough and cold that I brought back to Chicago from my Christmas visit in Tennessee.

Not that a cold or a cough is anywhere near as enjoyable as being "yanked... good and hard!" or "shooting," whether you shoot first, last or mid-ménage, but...

Sometime in the mid-afternoon on the day before my flight back to Chicago, I started getting a sore throat and felt achy all over.

And as the symptoms started hitting me, I kept thinking about Christmas night, sitting on the couch with my step-cousin's beautiful, four year old daughter. I remembered the two of us laughing hysterically when she would use my face - - not her hand, but my face- - every time she let out a hacking cough.

Yes, she would feel the cough coming on, put her face in mine and then cough. And then laugh.

No, that's not true. Then, we would BOTH laugh. Hard.

The me that's sick now honestly has no idea why that was funny. But it was. I hadn't had a drop of vodka in days and still, it was "ROFLMAO" funny. I blame it on all that damn holiday joy and goodwill.

You see, my trip back home this past Christmas really picked up my spirits, so maybe - - just maybe - - my heart did that Grinch thing and "grew three sizes" that night.

And maybe - - just maybe - - when your heart grows three sizes bigger, your brain equals the playing field by dumping your I.Q. down below the Sarah Palin level.

I mean, on Christmas night, my heart might have grown so large that I believed Africa was a country!

Regardless of why I laughed, I laughed. I laughed while a little girl coughed in my face, over and over, passing on her cold to me. She's not to blame, though; I'm the one who should have known better.

And so, right now, I sound like Brenda Vaccaro hawking Playtex Tampons...

..after gargling with Epsom salts.

...mixed with some kerosene...

...and a few rusty razor blades.

And all of that - - the illness, the sound of my voice, the fact that I was so stupid to enjoy a child coughing over and over in my face - - makes me feel, in the words of Nightwing, like I've been "yanked... good and hard!"

Insert masturbation jokes here.

"Insert." That's funny...