"I Feel So Much Spring Within Me"

I just got home from another great party hosted by Alanda and Steve.

Their Easter celebration had everything anyone could possibly want - - Easter eggs to color, an Easter egg hunt, wine, tons of chocolate, incredible food, great conversation and even a showing of the seldom seen film, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

And yes, after watching Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, we now know why it is so seldom seen.

I'm feeling optimistic these days. I guess its the change of the season. I'm not all "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows" yet (and probably/hopefully never will be), but inside this Rizzo that I am is a squeaky clean Sandra Dee smiling and singing her way to the surface. 

And you thought I was nothing but a Cha Cha DiGregorio. No, I'm not. I'm only "the best dancer at Saint Bernadette's with the worst reputation" on Friday nights at Charlies. And only on the shadow dances. Those are the ones that really count.

So blame my inner-Sandra Dee if you think I'm being too sappy when I say this: Today is about renewal, resurrection and rebirth...

So, if today was filled with tons of chocolate bunnies....

Or, if you were lucky enough to receive another kind of bunny...

Or if another kind of bunny was lucky enough to receive you, depending on which pocket you stuff your hanky...

If you've been celebrating Easter or Passover, the arrival of the Easter Beagle or the arrival of nothing more than "shorts weather"...

Enjoy this day and tell the people you love that you love them. Yes, this is out of character for me, but when my friends can't pay their rent and some of us come together to help, I can't stop thinking about the power of friendship.

And when a person I care for has just found out that his father has been diagnosed with lung cancer, it reminds me to say I love to you to those I love.

Yes, I typed all of that beside a picture of a hot guy in a bunny outfit. Cause that's how I roll after a lot of wine on Easter. Happy Easter, everyone!

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

I had this dream that I was skiing down a mountain.

When I woke up, I was in bed between Chuck and Dave and...

I don't wanna talk about it.

****

SAGGERS

"No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems"

****

MOONERS

Let's see Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey... 

Tell Bashful to get up there and drop trou now!

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

The poor guy in the WM shirt.

His buddies are drunk and want it, but they can't find it.

Ah, well...

"Unleash the Force Within You"

This just made me laugh harder than anything has made me laugh in a long, long time.

The line at 1:44 is what did it for me. Genius!

These days, it's good to be a geek.

"In My Maliciousness, I Find Deliciousness"

My ex-boyfriend tells a brilliant story (Yes, I'm complimenting him - - I told you I was feeling better lately) about standing in line for the TKTS Discount Booth in New York a few years ago.

TKTS, for those of you who don't know your Liza from your Lorna, offers day-of tickets to Broadway and Off-Broadway plays or musicals at up to 50% off.

Most of the shows that offer discounted tickets have been running for quite awhile. So, you might pay TKTS only $40 for your ticket to Man of La Mancha, but instead of seeing the original Broadway cast, the star of the show is now Andy Dick.

And he's playing Aldonza.

Anyway, my ex was standing in line for the TKTS Booth and there were two New York, "Ladies Who Lunch" in front of him, talking to each other as they browsed the list of that day's discounted shows. And when one of them saw that the Lloyd Webber musical By Jeeves was on the list, my ex heard her say...

"'By Jeeves.' A new musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Ugh! I don't think so!"

I couldn't agree more. Which is why, when my great friend Ruth Bonnet ("Everything's better with Ruth Bonnet on it!") sent me this article, I cringed. And felt both Harold Arlen and Judy Garland begin to spin in their graves...

Lloyd Webber Will Pen Songs for New Stage Version of "Wizard of Oz"

"The Daily Mail reports that (Andrew Lloyd Webber) will pen several new songs for a stage version of 'The Wizard of Oz,' based on both the film and the classic L. Frank Baum novel.

"The production, which will retain many of the famed movie songs — including E.Y. Harburg and Harold Arlen's 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow,' 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road' and 'If I Only Had a Brain' — will also boast new tunes by Lloyd Webber and lyricist Glen Slater.

"About previous stage versions of 'Wizard of Oz,' Lloyd Webber told the London paper, 'They attempt to do it exactly the same as the movie. That's completely wrong! You've got to think of it as a theatre piece, which just happens to have three or four of the greatest songs of all time.'

"Lyricist Slater also discussed places in the story that could benefit from a new tune. 'It doesn't have an opening number... It doesn't have a song for the witch... It's missing what it needs to become an actual theatrical piece."

Perhaps after Lloyd Webber unveils his new Oz songs, I won't hate Wicked quite so much. I doubt it, but it might happen.

Oh, and by the way Mr. Slater. The Wicked Witch of the West DOES have a song.

In Fred Barton's brilliant and hilarious one-man show, Miss Gulch Returns, Mr. Barton as Miss Almira Gulch (the Wicked Witch's alter ego in black & white Kansas) explains to the audience that the Wicked Witch had a song in the movie, but...

"They cut it. Judy Garland got to sing 'Over the Rainbow,' of course. Somebody was working for her. Academy Award, concert career, cult legend, the whole magilla.
What did I get?

"Of course, I do still have the number that I was supposed to do."

And when no one asks or applauds to hear the song, Miss Gulch says...

"Alright, I'll do it for you."

And then Miss Gulch sings the Wicked Witch of the West's song - - "I'm a Bitch."

Listen to it...

I'm A Bitch - Fred Barton

"I'm a Bitch" is wonderfully funny and the lyrics are completely in the Yip Harburg Oz style. I'll take one song by Fred Barton over the entire score of Wicked and any collection of Andrew Lloyd Webber Oz songs any day.

When will Andrew Lloyd stop writing for the musical stage? Come on, Andrew. I bought Aspects of Love back in 1990. Haven't I suffered enough?

"I'm Tired of People Not Treating Me Like the Gift That I Am"

Last night, I went to Jackhammer a little after 10 o'clock, got loaded on Skyy vodka and Miller Light, and sat in the middle of the room critiquing people. Loudly.

Usually, that kind of a Tuesday ends with me cursing myself for not remembering to wear knee pads, but last night was different. I was paid to drink hard and criticize last night. 

Sure, I was paid with a gift certificate and a dvd, but I've given away a lot more for a lot less in the past.

And I would have done it for nothing. Because last night, I was one of the judges for the Windy City Gay Idol competition at Jackhammer. 

Yep, last night, I was Ms. Paula Abdul.

Windy City Gay Idol is sort of the Chicago gay community's version of American Idol, except for the fact that a gay version of American Idol is an oxymoron. 

Well, there are differences. The Windy City Gay Idol's accompaniment isn't a band. It isn't even live, Memorex or Ella Fitzgerald for that matter. It's all karaoke, all the way. So, instead of a theatre, our competition is held in various gay bars throughout the city. 

And gay bars make any idol MUCH more fun! Especially the gay bar we were in last night, Jackhammer. 

Jackhammer features an area known as "The Hole." Yeah... Exactly...

"The Hole" is precisely why, of all the American Idol judges, I had to be Paula last night!

Sure, Simon has a sharp tongue, Randy has his "It's a little pitchy, dawg" and God only knows what that fake Jan Brady they brought in as a fourth judge can do, but Paula... Paula has the whole game figured out.  

You see, only as Paula do you get to load up on vodka, pick the contestant you want to sleep with (#5 for me last night) and then just talk to your imaginary friend Vicodin until you black out and wake up with #5 in "The Hole." Or better yet, you wake up in #5's... Well, you get the idea...

Unfortunately, I couldn't remember all the words in the "rap" section of "Cold Hearted Snake," so my inner Paula wouldn't come out last night. But...

At the end of the competition, Nick Garrison took the stage as Hedwig from American Theatre Company's production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch and knocked the crowd to the back wall singing "Wig in a Box." 

That wasn't the best part of the evening, though. For me, the best part came when Nick as Hedwig told the audience that he was promoting the show in some of the gay bars in Boystown, and while I think most Chicagoans spell Boystown with an S, Hedwig had this to say about Chicago's gay hood when spelled with a Z...

"Boystown. With a Z. 

It's like 'Liza with a Z.' Only... less."

That made me laugh so hard, I almost forgot about contestant #5. Almost...

P.S. I found out today that my good friend Alanda from It's Coon Time is understudying ATC's production of Hedwig. Congratulations, Alanda!

And just in case she isn't guaranteed any performances, does anybody know Jeff Gillooly's phone number?

P.S.S. As for the title of this post, that's a quote from Paula Abdul. Yep, that's our Paula. Bringing narcissism and self-pity to new levels. One Percocet at a time.

"I Remember Sky. It Was Blue as Ink"

Today is my father's birthday.

Right now, he's having dinner at his favorite Italian restaurant with my stepmother, my brother and a restaurant full of his friends.

And in a few minutes, he and his wife will receive a little dessert and some champagne, compliments of me and my brother (Thank you, Jeff!).

I wish I could be there. But even more than that, I wish I could be in this picture. Not that I regret the present or the past, but I would love to be that kid again and spend so much time with my dad, my mom and my brother.

And I would kill to be able to fit into that kiddie boat again! I wish you could see my waistline in this picture. We're talking "Anne Hathaway Would Be Jealous and Stop Eating" size. 

Happy Birthday, Daddy.

P.S. Is it creepy to anybody else that I posted Superman being spanked by Jor-El on my father's birthday? Yeah, I knew it was...

"Punish Me, Daddy! I DESERVE It!"

Gay Canuck in the Capital (I couldn't find your blog, Gay Canuck. Where are you? Could you send me the link?) sent me this oh-so-brilliant Spider-Man image that recently hit the Fail Blog...

I think a scene like that would GREATLY improve the upcoming Spider-Man musical, currently titled Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.

Who wouldn't like to see Spidey get fisted live on stage? And in a MUSICAL!!!!

All my wildest dreams come true.

That comic image made me think of this one featuring Superman (a.k.a. Kal-El) and his father, Jor-El...

Now, a scene like that would have made the Superman musical - - It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman! - - a much bigger success. With or without Linda Lavin singing "You've Got Possibilities."

So, with all these comic books being turned into Broadway musicals, I'm thinking it's a great time for me to start working on "Archie & Jughead: The Musical!"

Especially if I can pen a song for this Archie and Jughead moment...

Look at 'em both... salivating over that 12 inch weiner...

'Atta girl! I always knew Jughead was my kinda guy!

"Hi, I'm Mrs. Han Solo and I'm an Alcoholic."

While browsing through Carrie Fisher's blog, I found this little gem of a story that reminds me just how much I love the woman who once was Leia, in or out of her metal bikini...

"One of my favorite memories is of my mother coming into my room at night and singing me to sleep. After she came home from the studio, she would come in and scratch my back and make up songs about a little red pony til I fell asleep.

"Later, when she started working in nightclubs in Las Vegas, Rip Taylor would come into my room first and open for her - - and THEN she would do the songs. Some mornings I would wake up covered with confetti.

"Then, much later on, when I was married to Paul Simon, he would sing me to sleep. Which was incredibly sweet or slightly annoying - - depending on the album."

And while we're on a Carrie kick, check out her speech at the AFI Lifetime Achievement Award's Tribute to George Lucas. This is Carrie Fisher at her best...

"Don't Forget the Taint"

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"Can You See the Fuckin' Diamond?!?"

In spite of the supremely digesting April weather we're having in Chicago, it feels like my life is actually taking a turn for the better.

The fundraising obstacles that we face at Season of Concern are helping to make us a much more proactive organization. 

Also, I have not one, but two callbacks coming up (one that I found out about yesterday that begins in less than an hour, so I gotta go!). 

And last, but certainly not least, at Derek's birthday celebration at Crew this past Friday night, I was cruised so hard and stared at by so many that I felt like the prettiest alter boy at a Catholic priest convention. 

So much so that, at the end of the evening, I went into the bathroom, just to look in the mirror and say to myself, "Mama... I'm pretty. I'm a pretty girl, Mama." 

So, I can't think of a better way to celebrate this optimistic change than by sharing this new video from Miss Lola Rose. It's her take on Judy Garland's arrangement of "Get Happy," which Miss Lola Rose sings in the shower. While wearing a knockout black, Judy-inspired ensemble and a diamond ring bigger than your head.

I love me some Miss Lola Rose! Enjoy the video, I'm off to my callback.

Check out some of my favorite Miss Lola Rose videos here.

"It's a Special Person That Can Work with a Teenager Today"

Sister Myotis is back on YouTube with a vengeance!

And if you think that "vengeance" is an inappropriate word to describe a good, Christian woman like Sister Myotis of the Good Tidings Apostolic Holiness Christian Fellowship of Saints Church...

...because of that "Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord" Bible verse...

...well, you're right, Vengeance IS the Lord's. 

And Sister Myotis is just doing the Lord's work!

You can check all of her clips at her YouTube channel, but this one is a piece of Myotis' Memphis ministry made especially for my Chicago friends at About Face Theatre...

And if you happen to be wearing a thong right this very moment, go here. Don't make Sister Myotis come to you. Hell hath no fury...

Thank you, Sister Myotis! Keep those videos coming! You are the best!

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

Girls, grab his clothes from him and hide them.

Do I have to teach you everything?!? Oy...

****

SAGGERS

Look at Carnie Wilson there hiding in the back.

****

MOONERS

Now, this is what I call a Coppertone Ad.

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Look at the hottie fighting to get to me.

It's okay, baby. I can take all three of you at once.

Two here and one... Yeah, that's the idea...

My New Favorite Caption Contest #43

My buddy Bea left the following comment on one of my posts yesterday...

"I don't really have anything to say about this, but can you PLEASE take away that picture of a lady snuggling a grandma doll on your sidebar? It's giving me the heebs."

Bea: I'm not sure if "the heebs" is a minor case of "the heebie-jeebies" or if that pic is forcing you to convert to Judaism, but either way, I'm on it!

And believe me, this one was a tough call! So many great captions were submitted. Like my friend Karen's submission...

"Chita decided to show Karen exactly 

what the lyrics 'a boy like that wants

 one thing only' mean!"

Or my new blog buddy Yellowdog Granny's caption, which proves that YG would make an EXCELLENT casting director...

"hmm, two fingers..and still tight, ok...she's got the part."

But the one that made me laugh the hardest was very simple and very Sondheim. Yes, once again, the winner of the caption contest is Philip with his submission...

"There's a place for that. A time and place for that."

That makes me giggle in so many ways. The caption and Chita's fist. But I'm not at liberty to discuss last Saturday with Ms. Rivera, so we'll move on...

From West Side Story to a picture that looks like a production still from Springtime for Hitler. Here's the picture for Caption Contest #43...

So not right in so many ways. Give "the little wooden boy" a caption, guys.

Hmmm... I wonder if Bea will get the heebs from this too? Or does all the German cancel that out?

"I'm Just a Jazz Baby!"

Now that I've swung to the "mania" side of the bi-polar tilt-a-whirl I call my life, I would like to add that...

1) I like RuPaul! So much so that at the 1993 March on Washington, me and my fellow queer Tennesseans walked the entire route chanting...

"Turn to the left. Now turn to the right. 

Sashay! Shante!"

Granted, we followed Ru's famous phrase with a loud, nasal, "Y'all come out now, y'hear!," transforming our supermodel-selves into Minnie Pearl-wannabes, but before that, we were fierce!

2) As anyone who has listened to me on the Windy City Queercast knows, I not only LOVE effeminate men, I'm actually their leader, the Grand Duchess Anastasia! Miss Jackson, if you're nasty.

3) I love drag. And even though my mentor was a drag queen and even though I've studied drag queens like Eve studying Margo, drag definitely does NOT love me!

What I'm trying to say is...

"Raspberries!"

Anyone can do April Fools. 

But where else can you see April, the Foolish Ugly Drag Queen?

Yep, when you voluntarily post pictures of yourself dressed as Carol Channing, in a beaded "gown" with long underwear where the pantyhose ought to be, the mania has definitely kicked in...

"After the Third Flip, I Lost Control"

My mother casually informed me today that she has been watching RuPaul's Drag Race. Andt hat she loves it.

This proves that homosexuality in America has, indeed, "Jumped the Shark."

Or perhaps it just means that RuPaul's show will join RuPaul himself, the Queer Eyes for the Straight Guy and Will & Grace in that category of "Popular Culture Acceptance" that gay men and women will wish they could erase 50 to 100 years from now.

You know that category. The category of laughing at us and not with us. The category where gay men who are funny are approved of, but if gay men have or attempt to use a penis, lynch them. 

I couldn't get into RuPaul's Drag Race, unlike many of my friends. I didn't get it and still don't. 

And maybe 50 years from now, we won't look back on the show like its some queer Amos 'n' Andy, but I think my mother, after going on and on about how beautiful the guys on the show are, said it best...

"I guess the older I get, the more I get into watching trash."

Yay! We've made it onto cable television and people in the Heartland think we're beautiful, but laugh at us and call us trash. Well done, Ru. Well done!

"Exciting to Catch, Delicious to Eat!"

My brother Jeff and I are both gay... and that's just about where the similarities end.

Even as young children, we were different. 

My father told people that if I said, "White," Jeff would say, "Black." Most of the time, just to piss me off, I would imagine. Because seeing me angry is funny.

Jeff recently told me that his new theme song is Kelly Clarkson's "I Do Not Hook Up," whereas my theme song has been, and hopefully will always be, Sondheim's "Another Hundred People."

Even on vacation, Jeff is up before dawn, so that he can run 5 or 6 miles and watch the sun come up. Me? Like a take on Bette Midler's line in the new version of The Women, I always tell Jeff that, "I'm pretty sure the ocean will be here AT NOON!"

So, with all of our differences, I found these two videos comforting. Here is brother and sister David and Amy Sedaris. Both are on Letterman, and they couldn't be more different.

First, David reading about his "Stadium Pal"...

And now a collection of Amy appearances on Letterman...

I wonder if I'm more of a David or an Amy. Hmmm...

"One Must Never Deny It, But After You Try It, You Vary the Diet"

I thought that casting Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man was brilliant...

...I mean an actor with a history of substance abuse playing a superhero with a history of alcohol abuse? Genius!...

...but this? This takes it to the next level!

Robert Downey, Jr. loved to ride the white horse back in the day, and Holmes loved his seven percent solution. It's a match made in cinematic heaven.

Not to mention that Downey looks damn hot as a shirtless Holmes. 

Hey, Basil Rathbone! Put Downey's abs in your pipe and suck on 'em! 

God knows I want to.

"Laundry Day. See You There. Under-Things Tumbling"

I'm going to have to find a new laundromat.

And since there is only one in my neighborhood, that's going to be a bitch.

I walked into my laundromat earlier tonight and the tv was blaring Fox News, specifically Mike Huckabee's show. (I know! Mike Huckabee has a show? Who knew?)

And as I was putting my clothes into the washing machines, I heard some random woman on the Huckabee show reporting something about the bailout. What caught my attention was her repeated use of two words: "Mr. Obama."

Her sentences went something like, "Today, Mr. Obama blah blah blah blah blah. In response, so-and-so said that Mr. Obama blah blah blah..."

Before I could even finish loading my laundry, I shouted back at the screen, "It's PRESIDENT Obama! PRESIDENT! He's our President. Show a little respect!," completely forgetting that the laundromat was packed and that people can hear me when I shout.

So, I avoided further embarrassment by plugging my ears with music from my iPod (the Original Cast Recording of L'il Abner to be precise). I finished loading my laundry and walked down the street to buy some groceries.

When I returned to transfer my clothes into dryers, Sean Hannity's show was on. And unfortunately, I had turned my iPod off.

The nice woman who works there on weekends happened to be walking past me just as the venom, bile and hatred spewing from Hannity's mouth into my ears had reached critical mass, so I said to her (in a voice perhaps little too loud to be considered anything but bitchy)...

"How can you watch this crap?!? The things they say are ridiculous!

It would be funny if it wasn't so damn hateful!"

Lucky for me, she laughed, said she she never changes the channel and doesn't even hear it anymore.

Well, I hear it and it pisses me off.

So, in order to maintain my sanity and to keep me from disturbing the residents of my neighborhood, it looks like I might have to walk a few miles to do my laundry.

Or just remember to keep my iPod earbuds in while I'm at that laundromat.

I wonder what happens if I start playing "Dark Side of the Moon" at the top of Sean Hannity's show? Hmmm...

"They Was Long, Lean & Lanky, But They Loved Hanky Panky"

Tomorrow morning (Sunday at 11:00 a.m. Central Time), Turner Classic Movies will be airing L'il Abner, the 1959 movie version of the 1956 Broadway musical.

I have never seen the entire movie before, but my brother, Jeff, was in our high school's production of L'il Abner. And I saw that production. However...

I don't remember much of the plot, many of the songs or which role by brother played. The only thing I remember  - - and my memory of this is vivid! - - is that, at the end of one of his scenes, Jeff had the audience cheering as he was quickly wheeled off stage. 

Now, by "wheeled off stage," I don't mean that he was in a wheelchair. No, "wheeled off stage," means that my brother had another actor pushing him off stage... as he sat... in a wheelbarrow.

Because "Exit sitting in a wheelbarrow," is apparently the East Tennessee high school theatre version of "Exeunt pursued by a bear." Which explains why that exit is my only memory of Jeff's L'il Abner performance. 

I mean, after you watch Shakespeare's "Jump the Shark" moment where a character is chased off the stage by an actor wearing a bad bear costume, your brain won't allow you to remember anything else about The Winter's Tale. To make sure you will pass on that ridiculous stage exit to all of your friends. Sort of an Elizabethan Fail Blog.

So, the L'il Abner movie musical will be mostly new to me. But the little things I do know about it are convincing me that I'm going to love it!

How can you go wrong when Mammy Yokum (the role most casting directors think is a perfect fit for me) is played by Witchiepoo herself, the brilliant Billie Hayes?

What's not to love about Julie Newmar not singing a note or saying a word as Stupefyin' Jones, and yet literally stopping any scene she walks into with that oh-so-hot body of hers?

And then, there's the song below, the song from the show that confirms what I have been saying for years - - that the hottest guys in the bars are, more often than not, the most boring men in bed. 

You know it's true. Those uber-hot guys are like Narcissus if, instead of falling in love with his reflection in the water, Narcissus was constantly looking down, unable to take his eyes off his own abs. 

Give another type of guy a try one night. Oh, I don't know... Maybe a bald, musical theatre actor/blogger. 

Why are we better in bed? It's simple. "We're number 2. We try harder."

Or as the wives sing to the doctors who have changed their skinny but horny husbands into sexless but gorgeous muscle boys, "Put 'Em Back the Way They Was!" A song so wrong in so many ways, it becomes very, very right!

"Brief Interviews with Hideous Men"

I am heading out the door to go to a birthday party for my friend, Clover.

Clover is a performance artist. And her Amazon Wish List intimidated the Hell out of me. 

All the "wish books" on Clover's list have titles that definitely sound smarter than a 5th grader, much less this redneck homo from public school. Titles that seem to say, "You must be THIS SMART to read this book." Writing so dense that merely skimming page one will cause you to feel as if you've taken three Lunesta, two Ambien, with tequila "in a pear tree."

Titles like "Art and Social Change: A Critical Reader." And "Teaching Community: A Pedagogy of Hope." I couldn't make it through those books. If you want me to read them, just hit me in the head with a two-by-four. It will have the same effect!

So, I chose this book as my gift for Clover: Brief Interviews with Hideous Men.

Because it describes most of my tricks, boyfriends and/or sexual partners.

The paper bag over the head is new. I've never done that to anyone I've slept with. Yet.