"Strut, Pout, Put It Out"

Okay y'all, I know I'm gone, but I'm still workin'!So, do

The AIDS Walk is exactly one week from today and Season of Concern's Team is about $4,000 short of our $15,000 goal.

And I am leaving Hilton Head a day early - - and leaving my family on a Saturday morning when I could be spending another entire WEEKEND with them - - to come back and Walk.

As we learned from the best friend in Sixteen Candles, massive guilt can be highly profitable.

So, do like the Chicago casts of Wicked and Jersey Boys has done - - Join Season of Concern's AIDS Walk Team.  

Or Sponsor Me in the Walk.  

Season of Concern receives 100% of all the money we raise through Our Team and the Wicked / Jersey Boys Team.

So if you have a little something to contribute, help us out.  We would GREATLY appreciate it.

And to those who have already sponsored me or who are walking with me a week from today, THANK YOU!

Now, I'm going back to the beach to work on my tan...  

Fratboy Friday

Today, I arrive in Hilton Head, SC.  Here's a long distance Fratboy Friday...

BOYS IN CAPS

Oh look, I've already been spotted by one of the locals.

****

SAGGERS

This one is begging me to play ball.

****

MOONERS

And there it is - - my own, personal Welcome Wagon.  

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

And drinks are already being served.

Trust me when I say that if I meet ANY of these boys in Hilton Head this week,

I won't be returning to Chicago.

Ever.

"Kiss Me and Smile For Me"

I'm flying back home to Knoxville today.  My mom is picking me up at the airport and tonight, I'm having dinner with my Dad and my stepmother somewhere downtown.

Then tomorrow, Mama and I drive to Atlanta, pick up my brother and it's on to Hilton Head, SC for our annual family vacation.

This is us last July.  I haven't seen my family since Christmas.  It's been way too long and I can't wait.

But I have a few surprises in store for those of you who read this blog regularly.  Believe it or not, there will be Fratboy Friday entries while I'm away.  And a TMI Tuesday.  Of sorts.

So be sure to check backwhile I'm away.  And wish me safe travel to and from Chicago.

Much love.  (And thanks to Aaron for staying at my place while I'm out of town.  Enjoy the porn.)

"Glamorous. Ooh, the Flossy, Flossy"

This just in from the Chicago Tribune web site. This is the redneck opposite of Gossip Girl...

Indiana girl clocked at 118 m.p.h. held on DUI;
She allegedly told cops she was late for school

"A Crown Point, Ind., high school student who told police she was in a rush to make class on time was arrested for drunken driving Wednesday morning after police clocked her car at 118 m.p.h. near Merrillville, authorities said.

"The 17-year-old girl was driving her 2000 Toyota Celica south on Interstate Highway 65 near Hobart about 6:30 a.m. when her car zoomed past a marked Indiana State Police squad car.

"She was stopped after weaving in and out of traffic, and told officers she had just dropped off a friend and was trying to make it home before heading to school. Inside her car were three boys, a 16-year-old and two 17-year-olds, who all attend school with her in Crown Point.

"The officer detected the odor of alcohol in the car, and in a breath test the girl registered higher than 0.08 blood-alcohol content level, police said. She was arrested on operating while intoxicated and ticketed for reckless driving, unsafe lane movement, speeding and not having a driver's license in her possession.

"The three boys in the car were ticketed for underage drinking and released to their parents."

So she's 17-years old and is stopped by police at 6:30 a.m. with a one 16-year old boy and two 17-year old boys in the car with her. And they've been drinking. And doing God knows what. All night.

And she's trying to get home so that she can change clothes before school so that no one will have "Walk of Shame: High School Edition" PROOF that she's a tramp.

And she gets busted for drunk driving.

Now, I don't condone driving while intoxicated. Not at all.

But staying out all night with three teenage boys?

'Atta girl.


P.S. Who knew a Toyota Celica could DO 118 m.p.h.? Wonder what kind of mileage they get...

"Lick It, Slam It, Suck It"

I found this picture over at eMackinations and you know...

Lick it, slam it, suck it never looked quite so good.

But please be careful when shooting tequila.

You don't want to end up like I did one day...

Falling asleep in a Caribou Coffee while Philip read Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus to me.

It wasn't pretty.

"Never Gonna Tell a Lie and Hurt You"

I never really got the whole "RickRoll" phenomenon - - probably because I was hot for Rick Astley when that song originally came out - - but John McCain getting BarackRolled at the Republican National Convention? Priceless.

TMI Tuesday

Another dose of TMI Tuesday...

1. Describe the perfect date for YOURSELF... what you would enjoy most.

Believe it or not, I'd say the perfect date for me would be pizza delivered to my apartment, a couple of bottles of cheap red wine and maybe some chocolate, all consumed leisurely as we sit in front of my fireplace watching an old movie that we've both seen a hundred times so we can chat and kiss and make out and let the evening take us wherever it wants to go.

Easy going and romantic and loving - - that's the perfect date.

2. Do you lean more toward being submissive or dominant?

I enjoy both sides of the coin, but I have to say that I love being submissive.

And I mean really submissive. Not this fake, pushy, "topping from the bottom" bullshit.


3. What do you usually wear to bed?

Nothing but a smile. Unless it's in the winter here in Chicago, and then I wear flannel pj's, thick socks and a Down parka. Under my electric blanket. On it's highest setting. And I pray that I don't have to get up to pee.

4. Have you ever seen a counselor?

Abso-friggin'-lutely. He saved my life. Or helped me save my own life.

But he was right about one thing - - once you get mentally healthy, you don't date a lot. You can see your pattern and spot those who will hurt you a mile away.

5. Lights on or off?

This probably means "during sex," so I'll say "on, but with a red bulb or a pleasing gel."

It's fun to see what's happening - - and it's sometimes important to know exactly what piece of flesh you have in your mouth and who it belongs to - - but when you're bumpin' uglies, Blanche DuBois said it best...

"I don't want realism. I want magic!"

Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: Have you or a partner ever faked an orgasm?

How exactly can a man can fake an orgasm? Heated Jergens lotion inside a squirt gun? How?!?

Super Tuesday

Today's Super Tuesday pic comes from Speedo Junkie.

This is what would happen if Superman went all Booster Gold on us.

And for all you fanboys out there, if you're not reading the new Booster Gold series, you're missing out.

It's a really fun, well written and well drawn series.

In issue #3, Booster explains that his original costume included a cape, but Superman took it from him saying...

"You can't handle a cape."

Brilliant.

"Trapped in the Body of a White Girl"

Scooter over at Scootersville posted one of these videos of the fabulous Julie Brown as Sarah Palin, so I went onto YouTube and subscribed to the channel.

Then, I got an email via YouTube from Julie Brown herself! It's her YouTube channel. And she emailed me to thank me for subscribing.

I wrote her back telling her about one of my favorite moments from Just Say Julie and she wrote me back again. Julie Brown did.

The woman who gave us "Cause I'm a Blonde" and "The Homecoming Queen's Got a Gun" and "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" has emailed me. Twice.

You're SO jealous right now. I can feel it.

Anyway, check out these three Sarah Palin videos from my good friend, Ms. Julie Brown. Pay close attention to the names of Sarah's kids in these videos. And her pronunciation of the word "foreign." Hysterical.

"One pacemaker away From the Presidency."




"One bad clam away from the Presidency."




"One rabid squirrel bite away from the Presidency."

My New Favorite Caption Contest #33

There were several really funny captions for the #32 Contest, but my dear friend Lance over at Yokel Boy Makes Good really summed it all up...

And by "it all," I mean the guy on the left's clitoris-sized penis...

"Hey, what up Ken doll!"

Superb caption, Lance. But you know, even though I'm not a big fan of miniatures, I'd still keep that boy around. I mean, his hand works, doesn't it?

If that didn't gross you out, this will - - Republicans REALLY like Gov. Sarah Palin. They have been re-energized by, as Bill Maher dubbed them, "The Maverick and the MILF."

What was touted as a ridiculous choice a week ago is now hailed as a brilliant campain decision. WTF? In the spirit of keeping my enemies closer than my friends, I was reading about this week's Republican National Convention and found several pictures that seemed perfect for the Caption Contest.

For instance, I thought about using this picture of Cindy McCain wearing $313,000 in couture as she spoke on behalf of the political party said to be comprised of and fighting for America's working class citizens.

Real people. Wearing Oscar de la Renta. To go bowling.

Nothing says "I'm not like that uppity Liberal guy" quite like the tailored fit of high priced couture. And 25k in pearls.

She looks fantastic, but why is the rich woman in couture "working class" while the man who worked hard all his life to better himself and his situation considered "elitist?"

Cindy McCain: a Wal-Mart message in a Louis Vuitton bag.

At the other end of the fashion spectrum, there is this woman who also attended the convention.

Believe it or not, the estimated cost to create her "Dumbo By Way of The Lion King" look is significantly less than $313,000.

I'm assuming that this Marjorie Main Look-a-Like made that "elephant hat" all by herself.

I know it's the symbol of the Republican Party, but a woman of a certain size wearing an elephant face on her head... well...

...When I wear my t-shirt that says "You Are What You Eat," I know someone will say "That makes you a dick!" I'm just asking for it.

Then, there were the full-out costumes at the convention. And even though costume is the Serena to fashion's Samantha, I think this convention picture is the most interesting and the most challenging to caption...

No, that's not the American Indian from those "Every Time You Litter an Indian Sheds a Tear" commericals. That's Missouri delegate George Engelbach.

As you can see, Mr. Engelbach attended the convention dressed as "Honest Abe - In Pinstripes!" To me, the choice of the pinstriped suit turned this Abraham Lincoln convention ensemble into a half-assed, badly planned Halloween costume.

But "half-assed" and "badly planned" are phrases that today, symbolize all things Republican, so I'll give him a pass.

Especially since it makes me wonder what Honest Abe would think if, sometime in the 1860's, he hopped in a DeLorean and drove 88 miles per hour to attend this year's Republican Convention.

There's at least an Our American Cousin joke in there somewhere, right? Give Abe a caption.

Good Morning

It's been quite awhile since I posted a Good Morning pic.

I guess I had to wait to be inspired.

Consider me inspired.

I found him over at Tighty-Whitie Dude.

Just laying there.  Waiting for me.  On white sheets.

Like a virgin.  Touched for the very first time.

For the very first time today.

Pity the person who has to clean those sheets after I finish with him.  It won't be pretty. 

But it'll be fun.

"Lookie, Lookie, Lookie, Here Comes Cookie"

I just saw this over at iLOVESNEWYORK.

Just looking at these cookies made me throw up in my mouth a little.

A McCain Bulimia Cookie?

Who knew...

"You Can Leave Your Hat On"

"It's time we take off our Republican hats and put on our American hats and say 'America, we're with you.'"

- Sen. John McCain

"Does anyone... still wear... a hat?"

- Elaine Stritch in Company

"They're Uppity"

I saw this video from The Onion last week, but I didn't post it. After reading this, I have to post it.

This quote is from Georgia Republican Rep. Lynn Westmoreland...

"Just from what little I’ve seen of her (Michelle) and Sen. Obama, they're a member of an elitist-class individual that thinks that they're uppity."

By the way, "Lynn" is a man. Maybe he said that because he's pissed that his parents gave him a girl's name. Very "A Boy Named Sue."

Or maybe his thong is ridin' up. Or maybe he's just a prick.

Yeah, he's just a prick. And a little prick at that.

That said, watch the video and see why, once again, The Onion is topical & brilliantly funny...



Portrayal Of Obama As Elitist Hailed As Step Forward For African Americans

UPDATE 9/6/08: This just in from Joie Mayfield over at So Much To Deal With.  THIS is why I love Joie...

"Westmoreland is the same guy that wanted to add the 10 commandments to judicial buildings. When asked in an interview, he didn't even know the ten commandments. 

"He's an idiot."

"I'm Changing"

My friend Mike from Logopolis is the man who brought me into the 21st Century.

Not only was his blog the blog that inspired me to start Are You There, Blog?...

...So, if you don't like this blog, you can blame him...

...Oh, and if you don't like this blog, you can blow me...

...but he also is the man who came to my apartment, set up my dsl and installed Firefox on my old laptop.

And now, like a child whose first steps are being taken on a college campus, I am leaving Firefox.

Because the fucking Firefox browser is incompatible with Flash Player about 50 to 75% of the time and I end up having to reboot and hope that I can watch a YouTube video after the reload.

Where did I go after I left Firefox? Google Chrome. And that, even in it's beta version, has made all the difference.

P.S. So, I just learned by putting together this post that I can't resize embedded pictures in Blogger's Edit Mode in Google Chrome, so obviously, they have some "issues" to tend to.

But I can still view friggn' video clips without restarting my computer every 5 fucking minutes.

You get a little, you give a little...

"This Is Our Lives We're Fighting For"

Little by little, bit by bit, our history is being told.

Not only our history, but how we have been a part of all history, helped make our country better, changed the world.

I can't wait to see Milk, the movie about a true gay hero, Harvey Milk.

"Food, Glorious Food!"

I know that my thighs are applying for their own zip code these days...

But, is it funny to anyone else that Star Jones is dating Herb Wilson, executive chef at the Soho Grand & the Tribeca Grand hotels?


That's funny, right?

I mean, imagine if Keith Richards went through a drastic rehab program, was clean and sober for two years and then started dating Amy Winehouse.

Same thing, isn't it? Or am I just a bitch? Or both?

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

How much lube, Crisco and Wesson Oil do you think it takes to achieve that look?

"Sparkle, Neely. Sparkle!"

****

SAGGERS

"I like big muscles and red corpuscles.
I like a beautiful HUNK of man!"

****

MOONERS


No, it's not a circle jerk, it's a huddle.

A huddle with protein stains, but still...

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

A double fister. Me likey.

"Rock Me Sexy Jesus"

Last night, Karen took me to see Hamlet 2 and she inadvertently introduced me to my new hero.

And my new drag name.

Meet Cricket Feldstein, as played by Amy Poehler.

Or as they used to say in those Warner Bros. movie trailers...

"Amy Poehler IS Cricket Feldstein in Hamlet 2!"

As I watched this scene, I guess I let out my horse laugh one too many times, because the couple behind me got up and left the theatre.

They hadn't laughed at anything in the movie. Probably because they bought a ticket to Hamlet 2 to find out what happened in Denmark after Fortinbras walked into that corpse-filled castle. Oy...

"Please, Don't Let This Feeling End..."

This is "Mr. Sex-on-Skates" himself, Levi Johnston - - otherwise known as Bristol Palin's babydaddy - - before the Republican National Convention...

...and this is him during the Republican National Convention.

As my mama would say, "He cleans up good, don't he?"

Check out this picture...

Is he scared? Is he angry? Or is he trying to figure out how one 15-minute quickie in the penalty box after that big game five months ago brought him here?

Poor guy. There's no way he could have foreseen all of this.

"I Am Superman"

Last week, when I was debating whether I should buy Superman Beyond 3-D or DC Universe: Last Will and Testament, all I had to do was look down at who wrote Last Will and my decision would have easily been made.

Brad Meltzer, who wrote Last Will, is my favorite comic book writer. Period.

His run on The Justice League was suburb and Identity Crisis is perhaps the best graphic novel I have read since The Watchmen. It's ingenious.

Luckily, Meltzer has a new novel that was released yesterday, The Book of Lies. Here's the premise of the book...


"In Chapter Four of the Bible, Cain kills Abel. It is the world's most famous murder. But the Bible is silent about one key detail: the weapon Cain used to kill his brother. That weapon is still lost to history.

"In 1932, Mitchell Siegel was killed by three gunshots to his chest. While mourning, his son dreamed of a bulletproof man and created the world's greatest hero: Superman. And like Cain's murder weapon, the gun used in this unsolved murder has never been found.

"What does Cain, history's greatest villain, have to do with Superman, the world's greatest hero? And what do two murders, committed thousands of years apart, have in common?."

I bought the novel yesterday because of that blurb. I bought it because of the kick-ass YouTube vid with appearances by everyone from Joss Whedon to Christpher Hitchens. I bought it especially because Melzer has his children and his grandmother quote from the bad reviews he has received on this new novel in yet another incredible YouTube clip.

Any man who YouTubes his bad reviews and at the end, has his grandmother say, "It's my grandson's book, don't read it!," is a rockstar to me!

But it's this video that explains Meltzer's most passionate project that I believe is the best.

Launched from a site named Ordinary People Can Change The World, Meltzer and other comic book creaters are attempting to save The Superman House, the house where Superman was created.



Watch the video, buy a t-shirt to support The Siegel & Shuster Society or just make a donation.

And buy the book, so we can talk about it.

I read the first chapter today on the bus and I am in love with it!

P.S. My favorite quote from the video...

"Superman is what I do, Clark is who I am."

"Just An Old Sweet Song"

My favorite movie off all time is Casablanca.

My second favorite movie of all time is Smokey & the Bandit. No joke.

If you've never seen it or if you haven't seen it in awhile, give it a try. It's hysterically funny, well constructed and what other movie includes dialogue about Brenda Lee and Stephen Sondheim IN THE SAME SCENE?!?

One of the stars of Smokey and the Bandit died on Monday, Mr. Jerry Reed. Instead of perpetuating the idea that he was just in these "Bandit" movies by posting one of my favorite scenes from the first film, I would rather you watch this clip.

This is Jerry Reed with Chet Atkins. Jerry is making his guitar wail by playing Georgia on My Mind and then he sings it so sweetly, so beautifully. This man was a great artist.

And watch the movie sometime. You'll see that he was damn funny.

"I'm A Redneck. I Like To Hang Out With The Boys"

These days, when CNN plays fast and loose with the facts and Fox News is wrong about basically EVERYTHING, where can you get the news you want and need to know? MTV, baby!

This is 18 year old Levi Johnston, the man behind (or maybe on top of... or straddling...) Bristol Palin and her 5 month pregnancy.

I know what you're thinking. I thought the same thing too...

Who knew they grew 'em that hot up in Alaska?!?

Perhaps, I should start watching Men in Trees.





MTV found Levi's MySpace page (before it was so unceremoniously taken down) and it revealed some of his likes and dislikes...

"He's a self-professed 'redneck' who likes to snowboard, ride dirt bikes, go camping and 'hang out with the boys.' He also enjoys fishing, and warned that, if you mess with him,
'I'll kick [your] ass'"

Sounds like good people to me!

I've always had a thing for hockey players and Levi is a REDNECK hockey player who likes to "hang out with the boys."

Excuse me, Bristol Palin? Hold my purse while I fuck your husband-to-be.






By the way, Bristol? Under his "children" status on MySpace, Levi opted for "I don't want kids."

That combined with this picture where he's flipping off the camera (classy... very, very classy...) should send warning to your mother that maybe, just maybe, he doesn't want to marry you and "do the right thing."

I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...

"I Like Him, He's Mad All The Time"

Oh dear Lord. They've done it again. The Onion video is quickly becoming my favorite thing to watch, right after The Venture Bros.


Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate May Steal Support From McCain

My favorite line is one I believe some of those Neo-Cons actually say to their friends and family...

"I'm voting for a man that I can
imagine drowning a bag of cats."

Sort of explains how we re-elected George W. in 2004, doesn't it? Well, that and Kerry's lack of balls.

Also, for some truly twisted fun, check out this article from the most recent Onion...

"Cheney Waits Until Last Minute Again
To Buy Sept. 11 Gifts"

Yeah, I know. It ain't right. But it's funny because it's true.

TMI Tuesday

A post-Labor Day TMI Tuesday...

1. When was the last time someone hit on you? What went down?

What is with this question? Is it just TRYING to depress me?!?

I can't remember the last time someone hit on me. Well, that's not true. I do have a memory of someone very hot hitting on me, but it was quite awhile ago.

I was invited to a little "gathering" (a.k.a. "sex party") and I was having a bit of fun with the 3 or 4 fellas there, when the door opened and a new member joined the festivities.

He was hot. He was ripped. He was a porn star.

And he took one look at me and... well... you know that part in West Side Story where Tony and Maria see each other and everyone else in the room just fades into the background? And then they do that finger snap / twisty-knee bend dance?

Yeah. It was like that. Except the finger snap / twisty-knee bend dance was mind-numbing sex. At the end of which, he gave me his phone number in front of all of the other attendees and asked for me to call him.

Which I did. Frequently. Until he left town. Ah, the good old days...


2. If you were single and could be with any one person, who would it be (thinking singer/actor or someone famous here, but whatever)?

Again, you're depressing me. "If" I were single. Oy...

I'll answer this question as "if" if you were asking me which famous person I would want to be with (a.k.a. "fuck").

I'm going with Kerry Degman, My Imaginary Boyfriend.

Heeeee's dreeeeeaaaaamy...


3. Have you ever had done anything sexual in your office or your place of employment?

Not in my current office (though, I'm sure my predecessor did have sex here and I cleaned my desk accordingly), but in my former office? Hell to the Yeah!

I actually had sex in my old office with the porn star mentioned in Question #1.

How is it that I went from being Blanche Devereaux to Dorothy Zbornak in so short a time?


4. Do you apologize when you make a mistake? How do you react when someone calls you out?

Of course I apologize when I make a mistake. I'm such an Adult Child of an Alcoholic that I usually apologize when other people make a mistake or when other people intentionally hurt me. It's my way.

Yet, when someone calls me out, I tend to get pissed off. Someday soon, all of my Southern Training - - the stuff that keeps me polite and keeps my mouth in check - - is going to be completely drained away, and when that happens, I will begin to destroy those who call me out.

It is my hope to one day become Julia Sugarbaker.


5. Top or bottom?

Stop laughing. Some people might not know. And I can be versatile. I CAN!!!! It's not THAT funny!!!


Bonus (as in optional): Bonus: How old were you when you first had a willing sexual experience?

Since I define "sexual experience" as just about anything sexual...

...meaning that poles don't necessarily need to go into holes for me to call it sex...

...I was about 12 or 13.

Second cousins in the South. When they're a couple of years older and play football, you just can't beat that.

Pardon the pun.

Super Tuesday

Yep, now you know the effects of Silver Lamé Kryptonite. It's FABULOUS!!!

Actually, "Silva Lamé" was the drag name of my theatre mentor, Lemmie Smith.

Lemmie was a genius on stage in "straight" theatre (whatever the Hell that is) and especially in drag.

In Knoxville at the Carousel II and later at Trumps, he would be announced as, "The Theatrical Empress, Miss Silva Lamé!"

And the audience would shout...

"Hi-Yo Silva! Lamé!"

He passed away from AIDS complications a few months after I moved to Chicago in '93. You are missed, old friend.

I always think about what Lemmie would say when when he worked the spotlight during the strip shows at Trumps...

"Strip, you motherfucker! STRIP!!!!"

I can't watch a strip show to this day without screaming that. Lemmie knew how to do it.

"So No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way"

I just saw this picture of David Schwimmer at TreyCruz.com and it reminded me of something Martin Short said in his show Fame Becomes Me.

You see, Mr. Short had the pre-Broadway tryout of that show here in Chicago and at every performance here and in New York, someone from the audience (usually a celebrity) would be brought up on stage at the top of the second act. They would then be interviewed by Jiminy Glick.

The night I attended, David Schwimmer was brought up on stage and I distinctly remember Jiminy saying to him...

"You're in really great shape for someone who's let himself go."

Genius.