"How I Learned to Stop (Hating) & Love the (Facebook)"

Today, I was crazy busy preparing a mailing for six volunteers who are going to help me fold, stuff and stamp Season of Concern's first Spring Fundraising Letter. 

And I owe it all to Facebook.

Yes, after Eric McCool created a Season of Concern fan page on Facebook and then created an "event" to help us secure volunteers for tomorrow's mailing, I understood why people like Facebook. How helpful it can be to promote events or an organization's needs.

Now, I'm not in love with it yet, but I am getting there. I changed my profile picture on Facebook yesterday. And I even wrote a status message. 

This of course means that, if you love Facebook, you should be frightened and if you dislike Facebook, you should be elated. 

Because by the time I fully become a part of a social movement or trend, that trend's days are numbered. 

I have a long history of this - - from 8-track tapes to Betamax, from parachute pants to Z Cavaricci's...

Headbands... Leg warmers... Hell, I didn't even listen to Olivia Newton-John with any regularity until she released Twist of Fate for God's sake...

I don't follow fads, I finish them.

That said, how much will you pay me to join Twitter?

"I Will Not Be a Nasty Pig"

I find this whole swine flu hysteria maddening on so many levels.

First of all, every news organization is doing their best to scare us. No, to frighten us. Frighten us out of our friggin' minds.

Then, after we're all running into the streets so we can purchase masks before Walgreens runs out (P.S. They've already run out), the same news organizations have the nerve to say, "We don't want to scare anyone."

It reminds me of my ex-boyfriend smiling at me and saying...

"I didn't WANT to hit you. You MADE ME hit you. And I hit you for your OWN GOOD."

But more than that, every time one of these "possible pandemics" hits the airwaves, I can't help but think...

What if the media had done this kind of work when AIDS started killing gay men? Back before it was even called AIDS. Or GRID. 

What if President Reagan had led press conferences? What if the CDC had done their fucking job?

I'd have a lot of friends alive today. At least, that's what I think. At least, that's what I hope.

But it's foolish to hope or think about that. Because it didn't happen. Because AIDS was killing people who nobody cared about. And in 1980, who really gave a fuck if a faggot died?

I know, that's a lot. As my friend Angel from Angel's Crash Pad once wrote about me...

"You're so ACT UP! 

Once an 80's fag, always an 80's fag."

True, baby. Very, very true.

But at least I can watch these 70's PSAs, urging the public to get a swine flu shot, and laugh. I laugh the most during the second PSA, because when the voiceover says...

"Joe brought it home from the office. He gave it to Betty. And to one of his kids. And to Betty's mother."

...I imagine they're talking about the Clap. It's just fucked up enough to make me giggle.

Enjoy. And wear your masks...

"Just What Do You Think You're Doing, Dave?"

I know Philip likes them, but these new Quaker Oats ads...

...the ones plastered on every billboard and bus you see... the ones that say, "Go humans go"...

...they scare the fuck out of me.

Literally. I have no fuck left. It's all been scared out of me by Quaker Oats.

Not that I'd want the Quaker Oats dude to scare the fuck INTO me, but still...

"Drinking Again"

Just so you won't think I made up Bea Arthur saying...

"I'm so drunk, I could fart"

...here's a little something written years ago by the always fabulous Richard Knight Jr. and Stephen Gruhn.

Wait... Stephen Gruhn... Didn't I date Steve Gruhn... for awhile...?

Well, while I figure that out, read Alexandra Billings' take on the evening (If you double click on it, it will expand... I think...) and if you want to hear the story again, check out today's Windy City Queercast. 

Amy and I Skyped and I told the story. Again. 

Steve Gruhn... Steve Gruhn...

"Memory, All Alone in the (Corset)"

Alanda Coon from It's Coon Time! sent this picture of me to me.

And all I can say is...

Wow, remember when I had arms? I had some guns goin' on!

And that waistline?

Not to mention hair.

Really bad hair.

Now you know why I shave it all off.

Any guesses what this show was?

"Have You Ever Danced With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?"

I love this new t-shirt from Threadless.

I think we've all been there, haven't we?

Luckily for this guy, Batman is dead.

Well, Jason Todd is now Batman. For awhile. Until Bruce Wayne can make his way back to the future. After the Battle for the Cowl is over. And Barbara Gordon can walk again. Probably.

Don't worry. It makes no sense to me, either. And I've read all the damn books.

"Don't You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Bea?"

There is probably a slight over-abundance of Bea Arthur tributes flying around since yesterday (including my own), but I still had to talk about the clip below.

Because, unlike most, if not every other video on YouTube, I'm actually IN this one.

Well, you can't see me in the clip, but I was there. 

At that time in my life, I could be found having a cocktail in Sidetrack more often Teg Haggard could be found witnessing to homo hustlers. With this penis.

So, when I walked in that Sunday, early in the evening, my friend Scott Ament ran through a group of gay men singing "Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin'!" with Gordon MacRea up on the screen...

...only, instead of "There's a bright, golden haze on the meadow," these gay men were singing, "There's bright, golden haze on Jayne Meadows!"... which, I think, is a much better lyric...

...and when he reached me, Scott said, "Bea Arthur is here." I just stared at him, waiting for the rest of the joke.

You know, something like "Bea Arthur is here and she's fucking two alligators in the back room." Which isn't technically a joke, but I would accept it because the mental images it conjures up are STUNNING!

But this wasn't a joke and in minutes, the screens were showing hilarious clips from Maude and The Golden Girls and right before Bea was introduced to the crowd, they played a series of scenes from the movie version of Mame.

So that, when she walked up on this tiny platform and tried to quieten the throngs of gay men LOSING THEIR FUCKING MINDS, she had this to say about Mame...

"Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for sitting through that shitty movie."

Since I was the little gay boy who sat too close to the television set when he watched Maude because the woman in kaftan was who he wanted to be when he grew up, I was beside myself when she said that.

She spoke a little more and then, introduced her musical director, which is where this video comes in. I'm in there. Screaming...

Ummm... At .28, does Bea Arthur say, "What are you doing? Felching?!?" God, I hope so.

You should know that, after having SEVERAL cocktails at Sidetrack, Ms. Arthur made her way to the piano bar a block or so away where my friend Alexandra Billings was performing. 

Alex tells this story brilliantly. Bea walks in. Alex invites Bea up to sing. Bea sings "Some People" as if she's the love child of Foster Brooks and Harvey Fierstein. 

And then, as she gives back the mic to Alex, Bea Arthur hugs her and whispers in her ear...

"I'm so drunk, I could fart."

It just doesn't get better than that. 

Alex: I hope you don't mind me telling your story, but a line like that just has to be encouraged to grow and become a part of the national lexicon.

"I'm a Bagel on a Plate Full of Onion Rolls"

Last night, I attended a great benefit for Season of Concern at Davenport's - - Bab Fab 2: The Barbra Streisand Birthday Celebration.

This cabaret revue of Streisand's music was wonderful simply because of the incredible singers in the cast, but when they perform Barbra's songs on Barbra's birthday...

Well, "It's like buttah."

Rob Dorn at Three Cat Productions did an amazing job creating this show and the room was packed. 

Where else are you going to find a show featuring four men singing barber shop quartet harmony on an Eric Lane Barnes arrangement of Streisand songs? Only at Davenport's in Bab Fab, baby.

And yes, you're right. It was a "Barbra Shop Quartet." That was hilarious, Rob Dorn. Hilarious!

All of the singers were sensational...

...John Eskola blew the roof off singing "A Piece of Sky," Laura Freeman killed with her "Miss Marmelstein" and Amy Cole, as always, was jazz perfection as she sang "The Way He Makes Me Feel"...

...but my personal favorite was my friend Robert Whorton. 

Robert has an ease, a suave style and a voice that I could listen to all day and night. His phrasing, his placement and again, his ease with the music and the lyric are second to none in this town. Luckily, someone took this video of Robert singing the early Streisand hit "When the Sun Comes Out" so I can listen to him over and over...

Thanks to Rob and everyone involved with last night's show for your generosity and hard work on behalf of Season of Concern.

"I Once Played Mother Cabrini... During LENT!"

I'm literally running out the door, but guys...

Bea Arthur died today.

You know, when another gay icon, Judy Garland, died, it sparked the Gay Rights movement.

We just lost both Dorothy Zbornak AND Maude Findlay.

Straight people better approve Gay Marriage REAL damn quick. Or it's going to get ugly. Faster than you can say, "The Man in the Moon is a Lady." 

Or "God'll get you for that, Walter." 

Or "Shut up, Rose."

Thanks to Eric McCool for letting me know the sad news.

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

It's Chicago in April and unbelievably, we have summer weather!

I walked outside today with the exact same look that the boy on the left has. Basically...

"What'choo talkin' 'bout, Willis Tower?"

****

SAGGERS

Ummm... They didn't grow 'em like this when I was living in East Tennessee.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we found out that their bodies come from an "All Paula Deen Diet"?

Unfortunately, that is exactly the kind of diet I've been on for awhile now and my body is looking less and less like these guys and more and more like Ms. Deen's husband. 

And for the record, my mother feels the same way about Paula Deen's husband that I feel about Kerry Degman. So, it's either diet or become Redneck Oedipus. The choice is clear.

****

MOONERS

It's only a half moon this week. And something tells me, from the looks of his makeshift thong, we should be happy that it's only a half moon. As Bette Midler once said about Madonna...

"Pity the poor soul that has to rinse out THAT lingerie!"

Now, Mr. Polka Dot Bikini, on the other hand. I would LOVE to see all of that. 

And feel it. And smell it and taste it.

Hear it? Actually, not so much. Why destroy the primal, intimate, touching of his soul

to my soul, by having him tell me things. About himself. Like his name.

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

If want to take advantage of someone by getting them drunk, and if you're too horny

 to wait the full 11 seconds for them to chug two beers and at least act drunk, 

then do what these boys did - - simply pour the beer on them!

This will get them out of their clothes in seconds. Unless, of course, like some members of my extended family, they actually enjoy wearing damp clothes and smelling like Amy Winehouse.

Seriously, this works. Hell, Susan Sarandon did it to herself in The Hunger.

A little wine purposefully spilled on a white t-shirt and 

you get to sleep with Catherine Deneuve? Count me in. 

Hell, spill half a Lunchable on my shirt and I'll sleep with Catherine Deneuve. 

"How's That For a Topper?"

A couple of weeks ago, I got an email telling me that, if I bought this kick-ass t-shirt of Charles Nelson Reilly giving the peace sign (for only $14.95), I would also receive a free screener dvd copy of the film of Charles' brilliant one-man show, The Life of Reilly.

I was lucky enough to see The Life of Reilly when it played here during an extremely short run at Facets Multimedia. 

I saw the movie with Mike from Logopolis and his boyfriend, Andy. And I wanted a copy of the dvd the second the film started. 

And I've been waiting. And waiting. And yesterday, I finally got it. Along with the t-shirt.

Apparently, the release of the film is being held up because of some legal problems, but the filmmakers have stacks of these screener dvds of the movie and are graciously including them with t-shirt sales until all the dvds are gone.

It's just the movie, no extras or anything like that. But with a show this wonderful, extras aren't needed. 

Charles died on May 25th, 2007, but as the film shows, he led an extraordinary life. And not just because he was a Match Game star, either. 

He was a Broadway star and a Broadway director, an acting teacher, a friend and a loving soul. 

And he was a student. Check out this little piece from The Life of Reilly where Charles discusses his first acting class, taught by Uta Hagen...

And since today is Shakespeare's birthday - - and since Chicago's Mayor Daley proclaimed today to be "Talk Like Shakespeare Day" (Dear sweet Jesus... wtf?...) - - here's Charles doing a bit of Hamlet.

Just before this clip, Charles talks about being on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson (he appeared on Johnny's show over 100 times) and one of the other guests was a woman discussing Shakespeare. Charles chimed in, saying that he loved Shakespeare as well, and the woman replied, "What would someone like YOU know about Shakespeare?!?" Charles stood up and did this...

That is just one of the reasons why we lovingly remember Charles Nelson Reilly. 

That bitchy, Shakespeare woman who tried to belittle Charles on national television... Now, who was she?... What was her name?...

Exactly.

"You've Gotta Have Boobs, If Want to Impress Tycoons & Rubes"

Yesterday, I discovered, once again, that I am a Kinsey Six.

I discovered this in a comic book shop.

Philip and I walked over to Graham Cracker Comics yesterday afternoon and one of my purchases was Supergirl #40.

Looking at the cover to the right, you can see why the guy behind the counter said something like...

"Wow, that cover of Supergirl is all about Superwoman's ass!'

I realized that I'm a Kinsey Six because I didn't even notice Superwoman's oh-so-fine ass, nor did I notice the other cover that the cute college boy behind the counter then mentioned.

He said...

"Yeah, it's just like the cover of Oracle from last week. That was all boobs."

Then, the first guy behind the counter chimed in again, saying...

"Well, that's one good reason to buy that book."

To which, Philip replied...

"Two good reasons."

Once again, in a battle of wits and wittiness, I bow to the quick-minded comedy gold mine that is Philip.

P.S. If one of these covers had featured the (now sadly deceased) Powerboy's nearly naked chest or ass, you can be sure I would have noticed it. I would buy two copies of that. One to read and one to... look at...

"An Old Fashioned Ladies Pot Party"

You may think that, just because it's been turned into a musical soon to open on Broadway, we can't continue to learn valuable life lessons from the film 9 to 5.

After all, this was the movie that showed me, at a very early age, just how much fun bondage can be. Especially when the cuffs, collar and chains are combined with a simple garage door opener. 

If you haven't tried it, hook a loved one up this weekend. It's hours of fun.

So this Secretaries Day, as a reminder that 9 to 5 is as topical and cutting edge today as it was in 1980, I present the film's most important lesson for working girls and boys everywhere.

When office politics get you down, treat yourself and your co-workers to "An old fashioned ladies pot party."

And you thought it was just a coincidence that Secretaries Day is so close to 4/20. Please...

9 to 5 - This Is Really Good Pot | Movies & TV | SPIKE.com

"It Happened to Barbara Stanwyck"

After mentioning his brilliant performance as Johnny in Airplane a little earlier today, I've been thinking a lot about Stephen Stucker.

Probably because I can't stop playing this video, which combines most, if not all, of Mr. Stucker's outrageous, rapid-fire, random-as-Hell, high camp, hilarious lines from the first movie...

But that's not all. I've also been thinking about him because I learned that Stephen Stucker "was one of the first actors to announce he was suffering from HIV. He died from AIDS-related complications on April 13, 1986 at the age of 38."

Here I am kvetching as I count down to my 40th birthday and this brilliantly gifted comic actor didn't even make it to 39. It puts things - - everything - - into perspective.

And speaking of perspective, check out the clip below. It's Stephen Stucker on the Phil Donahue Show in 1985. Telling the audience that he has AIDS. That he's been living with AIDS for 6 years.

And as he tries to dispel the audiences' growing AIDS hysteria with his brilliantly bizarre sense of humor, he announces to them, in addition to having AIDS, that he also looks fabulous.

In today's context, Stephen's behavior might seem odd to some people. And yes, his brand of humor might be off-putting to someone in the Donahue audience, someone just beginning to grasp the plague that had already devastated their gay brothers and sisters.

But Stephen's been living with AIDS for 6 years at this point. And it's 1985. Two years before President Reagan can even bring himself to say the word "AIDS" in public.

By the time Reagan finally says the word on April 2nd, 1987, 71,176 people have been diagnosed with HIV in the United States and 41,027 U.S. citizens are dead from complications brought about by the AIDS virus.

On April 2nd, 1987, Stephen Stucker has been dead for almost a full year.

So, if you're living with AIDS in the middle of all of that - - when people are afraid to use the same makeup brush as you, much less the same drinking cup - - a sense of humor is necessary to survive. And the way I see it, the more aggressive that sense of humor is, the better.

And in spite of what Mr. Donahue says in the clip about Stephen's giggles and his pratfall playing into gay stereotypes, if your aggressive sense of humor is fueled by your honest and true sissy-centric outlook on life, don't dilute it. Flaunt it.

"I Can Make a Hat! A Brooch! A Terradactyl!"

Stephen Colbert, the man who helped write...

"I like the pole and the hole, and right now, I'm as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don't you come to my crib after school and I'll make your pinky all stinky."

...has done it again. Here's Colbert Report's version of the "Gay Marriage is an Evil Storm" commercial.

And while we're on the subject, did anyone else watch NOM's commercial and think that Johnny from the Airplane movies was going to jump into the frame at any second and scream...

"Auntie Em! Auntie Em!
It's a twister! It's a twister!"

...or am I alone in my homo-pop culture insanity?

Well, either way, here's Colbert's brilliant parody commercial...

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor NASA Name Contest

"I've Got You Under My Skin"

I didn't see Crank.

Not in the theatres and not on dvd.

And until just a few minutes ago, I wouldn't know Chev Chelios from chicken tetrazzini.

But any film where Jason Statham attaches jumper cables to his tongue and one of his nipples is my kind of movie!!!

Anybody want to see Crank: High Voltage with me?

While the movie is playing, I promise to not touch myself. Much.

Jason Statham. I would drink that man's bath water.

"Ev'rybody Today Is Turnin' On!"

What else do you need to celebrate 4/20 than Bea Arthur and Rock Hudson?

And a really big doobie. ("I said, 'doobie!'")

Nice to know that Maude finally found some marijuana...

"Why Is It Only My Ass That Gets Invited Places?"

Today, Amy Matheny is taking me to the matinee performance of A Chorus Line. 

We'll be podcasting before and after (and possibly, during the intermission) for The Windy City Queercast.

I've never seen A Chorus Line on stage before. Never seen the show. I've only seen the movie, which I loved but I've been told is far inferior to the stage version.

I don't know about that. All I know is that I want to play Sheila someday. 

Actually, I don't need to play Sheila. I've already introduced her lines into my everyday life. Lines like...

"Can we smoke? Can the ADULTS please smoke?"

Or in an audition, when choreographers ask me if I don't know the combination, I strike my best Sheila pose and say...

"I knew it when I was in the front."

Then, after the matinee, Amy and I will be hitting Sidetrack for showtunes in the afternoon for more podcasting, and at Sidetrack, they will inevitably play the clip below, which is from the film version of A Chorus Line.

If you live in Chicago and you go to Sidetrack, you know this little piece of film blooper history, but if you don't, watch the clip until almost the very end. Around mark 3:30 or so, look at the bottom righthand corner of the screen. Now, look at the third dancer from the right on the second row. This particular dancer is a little shorter than the ones around him or her.

Keep your eye on that dancer (third dancer from the right on the second row) and at mark 3:33/3:34, that dancer falls. Just goes down, as if a trap door has been opened and he or she disappears. But in a second or two, that dancer pops right back up as if nothing happened. 

At Sidetrack, the bartenders have flashlights to circle the dancer that's about to take a tumble. And just before it happens, a room full of drunk, gay men begin chanting, "Fall! Fall! Fall! FALL!"

It's a little piece of Heaven on Earth.

Also at Sidetrack, the gay men add a line to the lyrics of this song. You'll hear the movie cast sing...

"One singular sensation,

every little step she takes..."

And the gay men scream in time with the song...

"She's a lesbian!"

And the movie continues...

"One thrilling combination, 

every move that she makes..."

And the homos...

"She's a lesbian!"

Try it at home. I think you'll like it.

"99 Red Balloons Floating in the Summer Sky"

We can laugh at his hair, turn him into a ridiculous puppet, and snicker about his "dong missiles," but this makes me think that we won't be laughing for much longer...

"North Korea said Saturday any sanctions or pressure applied against it following its rocket launch earlier this month will be considered a 'declaration of war.'"

I still don't like the belief most Americans have that we should be the only nation on Earth with the power to destroy the planet. Not that I want dictators like Kim Jong-il to have nuclear warheads, but I sometimes feel like I live in the country that is the worldwide equivalent of an overgrown playground bully constantly talking about how "Awesome!" he is without realizing that he's pissing everyone off.

America always has to be the guy with the biggest dick in the room. If someone else has even a half inch more than we do, we try to lock the doors and keep them out of the party.

All that aside, what are we going to do about this? How can the U.S. proceed without North Korea claiming that our actions are being considered a declaration of war?

Apparently, Kim Jong-il is a big fan of James Bond films and "any movie with Elizabeth Taylor." 

I say we send Daniel Craig over to North Korea. Have him wine and dine Jong-il Bond style. 

Maybe Daniel could bring those oh-so-easy-on-the-eyes swimming trunks he wore in Casino Royale and re-enact his re-enactment of Ursula Andress coming out of the water in Dr. No. Who could think about nuclear armament with a wet and nearly naked Daniel Craig walking towards them? That's right, no one!

So, we send Daniel, but we leave Ms. Taylor at home. Liz is so batshit crazy these days, just wheeling her through the Korean Demilitarized Zone would be construed as a willful act of aggression.

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

Yes dear, we can all see that your boyfriend is cute. And hot. And has great abs.

It's impolite to brag. And to point.

Besides, he had me just by wearing that Bass Pro Shops cap.

It's going to look great on my bedroom floor.

****

SAGGERS

If I had known that this boy was serving, 

I would have gone to one of those tea bagging parties. 

Republican or otherwise.

****

MOONERS

There aren't any urinals in front of these boys, so...

What are they doing? Or rather, who are they doing?

And if it's who, I want that person's job! Where the Hell do I apply for that position?

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

In all my born days (and there have been plenty), I've never been so drunk that I couldn't stay awake while this man (who I NEED to be the father of my children) wowed the crowd with his hot ass framed in a jockstrap and his "no gag reflex/handstand on a beer keg" party trick.

All that in front of him, and yet Mr. White Socks with Black Shoes is sleeping through it.

"Kids. I don't know what's wrong with these kids today."

 

"This Man Should Be in a Straitjacket"

I have an insane, irrational fear of spiders, and only a slightly less powerful fear of every other bug and/or insect on the planet.

Which is odd, since I have vague memories of playing with June Bugs when I was very little...

...My Dad would tie some string to a June Bug's leg, providing me with an awesome flying toy... until the June Bug broke off its own leg to get away from the white trash toddler that I was...

...and I loved collecting lightning bugs as a kid...

...You call them fireflies, I call them lightning bugs... "You call it corn, we call it maize"...

...but when I was still very young, a praying mantis jumped on my shoulder - - and, since I did not know what a praying mantis was, I assumed it was a giant ant - - and as I tried to knock it off my shoulder, it kept swinging back and hitting me in the face.

Ever since that incident, I've been terrified of insects.

So, I can't be blamed for what I said... no, shouted this morning as I was walking to the bus stop.

I was scrolling through the music in my iPod with my left hand when I felt something gently graze the top of my fingers. I looked down and saw something light brown, stick-like and huge on my hand, causing me to shout... no, yell... no, SCREAM...

"Oh, God! Oh, my God!"

...which I immediately followed with...

"Fuck me in the ass!"

Now, I didn't MEAN to put those two thoughts together (especially on the street surrounded by people!!!) and I wasn't asking for the Lord's rod or staff to comfort me.

"Fuck me in the ass!" is something I say all the time and it's a response I give to all sorts of things.

It's also a request. Okay, MOST of the time, it's a request.

But when a bug is crawling on my hand, it's my way of wishing I was in a happier place.

I guess that makes "Fuck me in the ass!" the new "Calgon, take me away!"

"Just Breathe Through Your Nose"

At some point in my relationship with my ex, he made the mistake of talking to me and my then roommate, Aaron, about a night he spent in the backroom of a local bar.

Now, of all the cans of Crisco that Aaron has purchased, NONE have ever made their way into a kitchen (unless the sling, for some reason, was set up in the kitchen), so when my ex told us...

"Some man... (he) didn't know... sucked (him) off... in the BACKROOM... of a BAR!!!"

Aaron had no choice but to reply...

"Awww... You think that's kinky...
That's cute."

And these days, with straight conservatives and liberals utilizing the language of the homosexual without so much as a Google search to help them out when they discuss those "fisting" Obamas or when they confuse who's on top and who's on bottom when discussing "anal poisoning," I hear Aaron in my head saying to them...

"Awww... You have no idea what that word means... That's cute."

But today's "Gay Word/Republican Agenda Mad Lib" goes beyond cute. This is now a laugh riot! I know he's in on the joke, but I SO wish I was RECEIVING this action every time David Shuster says this gay word.

Yeah, yeah. It's not necessarily a "gay word" but enough of us do it, so I'm callin' dibs, alright?

Shuster saves his best use of the word for the last sentence. Well done, David . If you're interested, I owe you one of these after this clip. (Don't worry, I'm a professional.)

"If Your Heart is in Your Dream..."

This is for my friend, Karen. I know that she's already seen it, but she's having a bit of a rough time in the world of Tennessee Williams ("Debris, debris, debris...") and this song and this performer speak to us. 

I know that tons of people have already posted this, but Susan Boyle's performance of "I Dreamed a Dream" is, I think, exactly what we all need right now...

Someone seeing their dream coming true right before our eyes.

Susan Boyle on Britain Got Talent
Uploaded by dwarthy

Thanks to Yellowdog Granny for sending this video to me yesterday!

"Three Flawless Shots'"

Okay, I'm calling it. You read it here first.

The Associate Press has finally hired a gay man.

How else do you explain the first sentence of this report...

"NAIROBI, Kenya (AP) — Three flawless shots. Three pirates killed. Bracing themselves on a rolling warship in choppy seas, U.S. Navy snipers took down a trio of Somali pirates with single shots, freeing the American sea captain being held at gunpoint, a Navy commander said Monday. Angry pirates vowed retaliation for the deaths, raising fears for the safety of some 230 foreign sailors still held hostage in more than a dozen ships anchored off the coast of lawless Somalia."

I am extremely happy that the captain is safe, but that first sentence just says it all to me.

Come on. "Flawless."?

Sure, "flawless" does describe the type of pinpoint precision it takes to kill three pirates with three bullets. Pirates holding your captain at gunpoint...

..."Pirates?" I'm writing about pirates? What year is this? In two terms, George W. Bush took us from international space station tech to fighting pirates on the open sea?!? Damn you, Johnny Depp for bringing them back into vogue!!...

...but seriously, "flawless"?

"Flawless" is one of those words adored by homosexual men. Just like the word "adore."

We've all been at a party talking to a friend and trying to determine if the guy across the room is gay...

Stephen: "I don't know. I mean, the shoes and the haircut say 'gay' but he keeps drinking those Schlitz malt liquor talls and..."

Philip: "Wait! He just said the word 'flawless."

Stephen: "Oh, yeah. He's a 'Mo."

It's not that I'm against the word "flawless" being used in the top stories of the day. I just wanted to point out the obvious.

And to the new homo at the Associated Press: 'Atta girl!

"Everything Was Possible and Nothing Made Sense"

Yesterday, I kept thinking of two things - - two dissimilar things, one that seems to make sense of the other.

Because it was Easter, I kept thinking of Katharine Hepburn's famous line from The Lion in Winter...

"In a world where carpenters get resurrected, everything is possible."

...and that line seems the best way to decribe/make sense of the other item that would not leave my mind.

Because once you've seen Cher, Tina Turner and Kate Smith joining forces to sing a variety show medley of Beatles songs on the Cher show (the 1975 post-Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour show she did after she divorced Sonny), you can't easily erase it from your mind.

Cher and Tina keep trying to push Kate out of the picture but TRY to not hear Kate Smith over the other two, the band, the backup singers and Tim Conway (yes, THAT Time Conway).

From God Bless America to the Cher show. As my mama says, "Kate, there's a star in your crown in Heaven for this one."