"Piece By Piece, Learning How to Make a Work of Art"

I had a little more fun with the Obamicon maker over the weekend. In honor of this week's inauguration. And because I was feeling a little down in the dumps and needed a pick-me-up.

And is there a better pick-me-up than the Boy Wonder?

Well, not for ME anyway...

Then the fanboy within me gave way to the redneck, and I utilized a little Florence Jean Castleberry...

And a little Barney Fife... (God, I love when Barney says that!)...

This is one I didn't create - - No, I didn't! Seriously, I didn't!!! - - but needless to say, it... uh.... grabbed my attention.

One more day, people. One more day.

"Mephistopheles in Manolos"

I am obsessed with this video. 

I've probably watched it at least 20 times this weekend.

This is the bootleg video of a scene from the off-Broadway production of Douglas Carter Beane's play, The Little Dog Laughed.

I saw About Face Theatre's production of this a year or so ago, but nothing really compares to watching the incredible Julie White in this, her Tony-winning performance.

I don't think the scene needs much set up, but just in case..

Julie plays Diane, a ruthless Hollywood agent - - described in one review of the play as "Mephistopheles in Manolos" - - who represents Mitchell (played here by Neal Huff), a movie actor whose career is on the rise. 

Mitchell has, as Diane describes it, a "slight recurring case of homosexuality" (which she is trying to curtail), and in this scene, they are at a lunch meeting with a playwright, hoping to convince "He Meaning Him" to give them the rights to his gay play, so they can turn it into a movie vehicle for Mitchell. A straight movie vehicle...

My favorite line comes at the 6:54 mark. The "cherry" line. Genius.

"Baby, You'll Freeze Out There. It's Up to Your Knees Out There"

Scooter at Scooterville posted this video of Judy Garland dancing to Quincy Jones' Soul Bossanova and it truly saved my life.

Because the only way to survive temperatures that don't rise above zero for a day and a half is to listen to this song on your iPod as you walk from building to building. Take in the melody, imagine yourself wearing a ri-COCK-ulous hat like Judy's, and as you walk amongst the piles of snow, come up with a little dance. Even a a simple shoulder roll on every other downbeat will do wonders to keep your spirits up, you testicles low and your blood from freezing. 

A close second in "Saving the Life of the Incredibly Freezing Man" is this number from Grease 2 - - a movie musical so bad, it's REALLY bad, and so REALLY bad, it's good.

My ipod shuffled to this song when I was walking home a couple of days ago and I was immediately transported out of the cold and into a warm bowling alley. With Adrian Zmed. (I know...)

Here it is, a showtune about bowling. "We're Gonna Score Tonight!" Get it? Yeah, puns!

Lorna Luft's sassy spin at the 1:38 mark is hilarious. And makes me want to be her. Desperately. Which of course means that the intense cold has warped my brain. 

I need some Liza and a heat wave STAT!

Fratboy Friday

For the past day or so, I had this intense burning in the middle of my esophagus, which led to stomach pains that sometimes felt like The Dark Knight's "Cell Phone in the Stomach" scene, and at other times felt like Alien's... well, iconic Alien "Coming Out" scene.

Happily, the pain has lessened and I'm feeling much better without a cell phone blowing up or a small creature eating his way out of my body - - add your own gerbil and/or rim job joke here. - - so let's get in a late-in-the-day Fratboy Friday...

BOYS IN CAPS

It's getting hard to tell the breeders from the queers, isn't it?

That said, check out the guy on the left. The Hanky Code (a.k.a. "How Gay Men Found Fun and Compatible Sex Partners Before Facebook") tells us that Light Pink, when worn on the left means you're a "Dildo Fucker" and when worn on the right you're a "Dildo Fuckee." 

But what kind of sexual activity are you looking for when the Light Pink is worn on your head under a green, John Deere, trucker cap with the bill deliberately pointed to the left? I'll bet it's some new kink that I don't know about. But I might hookup with someone who wants me to do it to them this weekend, so I need to know what this new kink is, how you do it, where you do it, the body part that is usually used to do it and any supplies that will be needed  (i.e. "leather jockstrap, vat of Crisco, vintage Joni Mitchell albums, etc"). Anyone have a clue? Anyone?

****

SAGGERS

Dude, don't be pissed. 

I meant, "Nice bitch tits," as a compliment. Totally.

****

MOONERS

You know times are tough when you have to sell your stuff to make a buck...

...Although this guy really knows how to advertise; 

Nothing says, "Love For Sale," quite like that ass, does it?...

...but we're definitely sliding into another Great Depression when you're forced to prostitute yourself while positioned beside a 30% off sign! Standing there, you're basically saying to the world that, due to your lack of ability, commitment and/or enjoyment of the task, your blow jobs have been MARKED DOWN!!!

(Four more days, people. Four more days...)

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

He's crafty (so you know he's good with his hands), he owns that 80's arcade-sized Space Invaders game (so he knows how to fire his missile, repeatedly), and not only does he walk around with his mouth open like that all the time, he can also unhinge his jaw.

The possibilities boggle the mind.

I think we've found the man my children are going to spend every other weekend with 20 years from now when the two of us are officially "Gay Divorced."

"Like a Streak of Light, He Arrives Just in Time"

Yesterday, I spent over $33 on my weekly stack of comic books.

But was I savvy enough to pick up the Obama issue of The Amazing Spider-Man? Nope

When you grow up in a part of the country where the word "wash" is pronounced with an "r" between the "a" and the "s," you rarely achieve anything close to "savvy."

Hell, the girl behind the counter even commented as she rang up my books...

"Wow, no Marvel, huh?"

Which is comic book lingo for...

"Geez, check out the all DC loser."

But she's cute and makes her own Shrinky Dink jewelry (which I covet), so I forgive her.

This "Obama Meets Spider-Man" thing is off the hook, though. I couldn't have picked up a copy yesterday even if I had wanted to. No one can keep the book in stock.

Case in point, this is how the cute college boy at my comic book shop answered the phone yesterday...

"Graham Cracker Comics on Madison, where we DON'T have the Obama / Spider-Man issue. How may I help you?"

Hmmm...

I wonder...

If I find a copy of this Barack / Spidey pow-wow, could I use it to convince cute college boy to go out with me?

Oy... It's come to this... Using comic books to bribe youngsters to date me. How dangerously close to "To Catch a Predator" can I get?

"It Was Red Velvet Trim and It Fit Me Good!"

My buddy Mike at Logopolis found this great site where you can Obamicon yourself.

So I had to give it a whirl.

"HOPE" didn't seem quite appropriate for my Obamicon caption. Especially when you consider the mood I've been in for the past few weeks.

So I chose, "FANCY." Because all the red just screams "Fancy!" to me.

That and the fact that I was born "just plain white trash, but Fancy was my name!"

Go Obamicon yourself at Paste Magazine. All the cool kids are doing it.

Thanks Mike!

TMI Tuesday

It's been a long time since I TMI'ed...

1.On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your sex life?

Just last month, a Chicago theatre critic caused a bit of controversy when she reviewed a local production of Romeo & Juliet and the review was printed in a local paper. Even though the critic admitted that she only attended the first act of the play. What a gal, huh?

People were upset because, when you review a play in it's entirety, it's best to actually view THE ENTIRE PLAY. I mean, watching just half of The Way We Were leaves you with The Way They Are - - Hubbell and Katie, together forever. It doesn't fucking work.

So, since the last couple of people I have had sex with promised me 69, but left me with 68 - - which means, I did them, they got dressed and told me "I'll owe you one." - - I will defer from rating my sexual satisfaction at this time. Like the "Half-a-Show Critic," I don't think I should rate the 68's.

2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?

"Thank you, Daddy. May I have more?"

3. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done or said to you?

It's telling when I can't think of one thing. Many men have been extremely romantic with and for me, but nothing really stands out in my mind right now. Which means it's been WAY too long since I've been on a date.

Now, where did I put that small talk?...

4. Where is the most unusual place you have ever had sex?

In a house that was under construction. Some of the outside walls were up and some weren't.

So, of course, we stood in the area where there WEREN'T any walls. Completely naked. In the moonlight. With people walking by.

Should I be amazed, thankful or insulted that those people didn't see, hear or notice the two of us fucking as they walked by?!?

5. How do you liked to be kissed?

Early and often. In every way imaginable. Different times call for different kisses.

However, if you're the kind of kisser who enjoys taking your tongue and shoving it down another man's throat, I will stop you and show you another area of my body where your probing tongue will make me EXTREMELY happy.

Bonus (as in optional):Most embarrassing sexual moment?

A fuck buddy of mine asked me to play out a scene with him where I was German skin head who would "rough him up" a little in the course of our usual fucking and sucking. (Stop laughing!) He really wanted me to play the part. Meaning, he wanted me to speak only in German. Yeah...

We were chatting online late at night when he asked me over to do this scene, which left me with no knowledge of German and no time. So, I Googled a English-to-German translator and frantically began to translate and memorize every dirty phrase I could think of. In a few minutes, I was ready. But the guy asking for the German wasn't.

You see, when you ask an actor to role play a scene with you, we don't fuck around. I was trained for this; I was IN this scene. I was only speaking the dirty German phrases I had looked up, nothing else. And when my fuck buddy didn't understand, I would get angrier, more forceful, "less giving with the goods," if you know what I'm saying.

Finally, my fuck buddy had had enough of me and my queer Hitler, so when I yelled the one of the same (now, probably rather tedious) dirty phrases in German and got a little pushy, he screamed at the top of his lungs...

"For Christ's sake, I don't know what the fuck you're saying!"

I apologized and calmed him down, but I didn't laugh. Even though, I was laughing my ass off inside. Laughing at what a supreme douche I must have looked and sounded like.

I should have just walked in, had him blow me, sang Danke Shoen and been done with it.

"I Am Strong, I Am Invincible..."

Hot guys dressed in belly shirt, superhero costumes. I should love this. And I do. But you know...

What's up with Superboy? Was he feeling a little bloated on Picture Day? Is that why he felt the need to draw on his (already pretty damn hot) ab muscles?

I mean, he's 2 beers shy of a six pack and yet, I imagine he kept whining to Bats and Spidey that he was just "too fat" for anyone to take his picture.

You might feel sorry for Lil' Kal-El's insecurity, but the way I see it, this little twink has a a tight body and a waistline 2 inches smaller than mine was during my mother's first trimester, and he has the NERVE to DRAW ON his ab muscles?!?

As Philip says, "I'll cut a bitch."

But I'll let it pass. Because I know exactly what the smug little Kryptonian will look like in a few years. "Can You Read My Mind," Clark?

P.S. Also disturbing is the fact that "Belly Shirt Batman" and "Belly Shirt Superboy" are DC heroes ("Twink Titans," anyone?) and "Belly Shirt Spider-Man" is a Marvel hero. So the three of them together in one room means that this is a "Crossover."

Crossover, Three-Way... Tomato, ToMAHto...

"Whatever I Touch Turns to Snow. If I Clutch... I'm Too Much!"

A blizzard warning is in effect for Chicago from late tonight through noon tomorrow.

That's a blizzard warning, not at blizzard watch. A blizzard watch means that a blizzard MAY be on the way; a blizzard warning means a blizzard is IMMINENT. It's coming. And not in a good way.

And after the additional 2 to 5 inches of snow that tonight and tomorrow morning will bring, the temperature will start to plummet. Going even lower than was previously predicted.

Remember when they thought the high this Thursday was going to be 5 degrees? Pshaw! Now, the anticipated high for Thursday is -2! As in "TWO BELOW ZERO!"

So long story short (too late!), my ass is about to be tapped by Mr. Snow Miser himself. No lube. Hard in and hard out. In that jerky, stop motion way that you KNOW is gonna hurt.

"He's Mr. Icicle. He's Mr. Ten Below..." Oh dear Lord...

"I Always Feel Like..."

"...Somebody's Watching Me..."

"And I Have No Privacy"

"(Oh OH Oh)"

Sorry but I took one look at this "Much Too Happy Peeping Tom of a Batman" at Chris' Invincible Super-Blog and that Rockwell song with the Michael Jackson chorus from the 80's just would NOT leave my head. And now, it won't leave YOUR head. Sorry.

But hey, it could be worse. It could be another video from the Cheetah Lady. You see? Yeah, you're welcome.

"Some Think It's Noise, I Think It's Pretty"

My father told me to always remember the 7 P's...

"Prior Proper Planning Prevents

Piss Poor Performance."

He stressed the 7 P's over and over. Which is why I have chosen to live my life in chaos. And that has made all the difference.

For instance, I had my first audition in a VERY long time today. I've been to several callbacks but I haven't attended any "Bring Your Headshot & Resume and Sing 32 Bars" auditions in a long time. Years probably.

But I'm trying to "get back out there" (whatever the Hell that means), so I made an audition appointment for Bohemian Theatre Ensemble's upcoming production of La Cage Aux Folles. My audition appointment was for 3:25 p.m. today. And since I needed to leave my apartment at 2:25 p.m. to get there on time, I started looking for what music I would sing at about 2:00 p.m. More like 2:15 p.m. actually.

I found my old standby audition piece - - "Good Thing Going" from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along - - stuck it in one of my three-ring binders full of music and made my way (through forty-five feet of snow) to the train.

And it was on the train that the universe once again proved my father wrong. In the chaos of choosing a song to sing at the last minute, I grabbed a binder of music that just happened to have THE PERFECT piece of music to sing at an audition for La Cage. This song - - Gay Paree - - from Victor/Victoria...

...and I just got a callback for the show. Chaos reigns supreme.

P.S. At the end of the video above, after Robert Preston looks at the audience and says, "Thank you, you're most kind," he adds to that thought, "In fact, you're EVERY kind."

That last line is missing from the video and it's one of my favorites. I couldn't, with good conscious, post this video without finishing the joke. That would be blasphemy.

"Criminals Are a Superstitious and Cowardly Lot..."

Ever wonder why there are no superheroes in the real world?

Well, we're all pussies, that's why.

When a bat flew in Bruce Wayne's open window, he took that as a sign, an omen. He became a creature of the night. He became The Batman.

But when a couple in Chicago's Lincoln Square find a bat in their apartment, they don't become Batman and Batwoman. They don't fight the pervasive crime that infests the corner of Lawrence and Western Avenues. No, they trap the bat in a bucket, call Chicago Animal Control and discover that the bat has rabies. And now, they are undergoing medical treatment for rabies. Bo-oring.

Maybe that bat was radioactive and, if it had bitten the man, he would have become a real-life Man-Bat. Or if the bat had been bitten by a moth and then the moth bit the woman, she would have become Luna Moth. The possibilities are ENDLESS.

Well, the possibilities are endless if you're not a pussy who is afraid of rabies anyway...

Fratboy Friday

The good new is that from now until late tonight, I'm going to be getting 8 inches. The bad news is that it's all snow. Damn it.

Snow followed by decreasing temperatures, which will eventually bring Chicago to a high of 5 degrees this coming Thursday. A HIGH of FIVE DEGREES! Where's that aerosol can?...

Here's an inconvenient truth, Al - - When it's 5 degrees outside and I walk down the street, my testicles freeze, solidify and start to sound like ice cubes clinking against a glass!

I am in serious need of some summer weather - - for me and my boys. In the summer, I could...

BOYS IN CAPS

Learn how to ride a skateboard...



****

SAGGERS

Take in the sights at a ball game...



****

MOONERS

Get my very own Copportone Tan...

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Or just get so drunk, I don't even know my own name.

Think he has "2 4 6 0 1" written on his lower abs?
If he doesn't, I would be happy to write that on his lower abs.
With my penis. As a friend.

"If You Can Find Me, I'm Here"

To quote one of the great characters from theatre...

"This is it, I've found it,

I'm in Hell!"

The Hell I've discovered is not hot, it isn't delineated by rings, but it is horrifying. And relentless in its pursuit of you.

Yes friends, Hell is the photo tagging feature on Facebook.

Two days ago, I was tagged with this picture from a show I did back in '95. A not-so-gentle reminder of a role I performed so well, it led to a career path I didn't take.

"Regrets? I've had a few..."

If you need help finding me in the pic, here's a clue: Today is "my" birthday.

Yeah, that's me. Makes you want to run out and rent my comeback special, doesn't it?

"I'm Tired of Being a Wild Animal"

My good friend Bea from Feeling Kinda Blog Today emailed me today, saying "Go to YouTube and type in "Cheetah Lady." You won't regret it." And I don't regret it at all.

Because, luckily, there is an eye wash station in my building and I was able to cleanse my retinas before any permanent damage set in.

This "Cheetah Lady" is, without a doubt, the strangest, most bizarre, most hilarious thing I have ever seen on or off of the internet.

She... ummm, I mean, the cheetah... alright, "it" says that it lives on the northside of Chicago. Yes, this is the kind of person I sit beside on the bus every day.

Even if you don't have an eye wash station handy, I highly recommend that you watch this. Now.

To quote one of the latest comments for this video...

"And with that, the last of my sanity slips away..."

I couldn't agree more.

"There Once Was a Man Who Loved a Woman..."

Twenty-six years ago today, this man...

...separated from and soon after divorced this woman...

...causing their two sons, who were rarely apart, to also separate, one living with his father and the other living with his mother.

And even though it was necessary, and life, when they were all together, was, more often than not, filled with the two parents raging against each other, nothing was ever quite the same. Nothing ever is.

This day always makes me extremely sad.

"I'll Buy Almost Anything If It's Shiny and Made By Apple"

Onion Video goes after Apple, their tech designers and their users. And I couldn't be happier.


Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Stick that in your "I'm a Mac and I'm a PC" commercial and smoke it!

"Thundercats! Ho!"

My best friends in high school - - you know who you are - - nicknamed me "Lion-O." 

Well, that was one of my nicknames. Others were "Curby," because, when I first started driving, I would run my car up onto the curb. A lot. At rather high speeds. 

I was also called "BJ," because I got my first blow job on a school bus late at night when our chorus was coming back from some gig. A blow job from a girl, mind you. And because my mind was obviously on other things at the time, I didn't realize (or perhaps didn't care) that SEVERAL people were watching me get my first blow job. And my first ENORMOUS hickey. On my neck. She didn't put a hickey on my penis. Thank God.

My friends called me Lion-O because I had rather big and really bad hair. Yes, me with hair. I had it and it wasn't pretty. So my friends chose a sort of ridiculous cartoon character with EXTREMELY bad hair and named me after him. 

Well, after seeing this gentleman from some comic-con dressed as Lion-O and after watching this fan-made Thundercats trailer (in which Lion-O is played by the always yummy - - except when he's made up to be a really old man - - Brad Pitt), I think my high school friends will wish that they had nicknamed me more accurately.

I'm obviously more of a Cheetara. Even though, these days, I look like a Panthro.

"I Don't Want Life To Imitate Art. I Want Life To Be Art"

If you live in Chicago and you take the 145 or the 146 bus to and from the Loop, I apologize.

I admit it. I'm the guy in the back of the bus cackling like Paula Deen on acid with his nose stuck in a book entitled, Wishful Drinking.

I picked up Carrie Fisher's new book just last week and I am purposefully reading it at a snail's pace so that I can enjoy her brilliant, quirky, dark humor for as long as is humanly possible.

And I'm not kidding about the cackling. People on the bus with me stare - - lots of people... more than the usual "Oh, look at this tired, old queen" people - - because I read just one sentence and I can't hold in the laughter.

For instance, when she talks about waking up to find her friend Greg laying beside her, dead in HER bed, Carrie says...

"So he didn't just die in his sleep, he died in mine."

Describing the event in more detail, she says...

"Greg was one of my best friends. He wasn't my boyfriend or anything. Meaning he didn't die in the saddle. 

That would make me the saddle."

As Carrie was dealing with Greg's death, her friend Dave said to her...

"Honey, I know this is a pain in the ass."

To which Carrie replied...

"If I could isolate the pain just to my ass, 

it would be awesome."

See what I mean?

Then, there is my favorite paragraph in the book thus far...

"You know what's funny about death? I mean other than absolutely nothing at all? 

You'd think we could remember finding out we weren't immortal. Sometimes I see children sobbing in airports and I think, 'Aww. They've just been told.'"

Go buy Wishful Drinking. Now. And get this walking carpet out of my way!

"See You Later, Alligator. And Don't Forget My Mashed Potatoes!"

Back in the mid-90's - - Dear sweet Jesus, was it THAT long ago?!? - - I the first replacement in the original cast of Schoolhouse Rock Live! here in Chicago.

The show was a HUGE hit here, the original cast had just come back from an Off-Broadway engagement and I was THRILLED to be in the show (and it's amazing 11 month long run). 

But at 90 minutes with no intermission and songs coming one right after the other, the show kicked my ass. Especially because my character, Tom, was the glue of the show - - the character who was propelled into the world of Schoolhouse Rock, so I was in EVERY number. 

Except this one.

Which made me sad because this is one of my favorite Schoolhouse Rock songs. It just doesn't get any better than Essra Mohawk singing Sufferin' Til Suffrage.

Right at the beginning, the lyrics seem to speak our struggle for Gay Marriage...

"If we're all created equal, that's us too!"

Amen, sister! Amen!