The Revolutionary (Protest) Costume For Today

Okay folks, look, listen and learn.

THIS is how you protest to bring attention to the problem of Climate Change (a.k.a. "Global Warming")...

This hottie with the oh-so-sexy sneer is My New Imaginary Boyfriend, Josh Brown.

In Australia on July 4th, Josh surprised Australia's Prime Minister John Howard by coming out of the Men's Room at the Bega RSL dressed and marked up as he is in the picture above (the words "ski team" were written on his back). He then yelled...

"What are you going to do about global warming?
There's no snow! There's no snow!"

According to the police, right before he yelled that, Hottie-Patottie Joshie ran towards Prime Minister Howard and when a plain-clothes police officer tried to stop him, Josh ALLEGEDLY pushed the officer and tried to run past him.

The security staff stopped him and my (imaginary) bf Josh was arrested and charged with assault.

I think this is a bogus charge to put Joshie in the hooscow, but if he did indeed "push" the plain-clothes police officer, I just have to say...

You're a police officer with a gun and you get pushed around by a guy in a speedo? And then you bring him up on charges for it?!?

Guess you were a little intimidated by what Josh was packin' in that pouch there, huh?

Don't let 'em break you, Joshie. Keep up the good work.

...And by "good work," I do mean "protesting wearing only a speedo."

...And you know where you could do a lot of "good work?" My bedroom.

...Cause I think those speedos would look even better on my bedroom floor.


P.S. Although I do LOVE Josh Brown's speedo protest to bring attention to Global Warming, I would like to go on record as saying that I don't think it's necessary for Al Gore to appear in a speedo for any possible INCONVENIENT TRUTH sequels that might be in the works.

Now, Al Gore III on the other hand...


Note: Special thanks to Speedo Junkie for bring this story - - and this hottie - - to my attention.

Inconvenience?

Well, Chicago Transit Authority President Ron Huberman - - otherwise known as "My Future Boyfriend Despite The Fact That We've Never Met And He Already Has A Boyfriend" - - is all over the Chicago press right now.

He is at the heart of a CTA clusterfuck caused by a chain of events which can easily be described as the CTA's "Worst Case Scenario."

Actually, these events come dangerously close to a "Kobayashi Maru" test.

(Extra points if you understand THAT reference.)

First, you have thousands of Chicagoans in and around the Loop (a.k.a. "downtown") on the evening of July 3rd to view the city's annual downtown fireworks show.

The fireworks are lovely, everyone "Oohs" and "Ahhs" and when the show is over, the massive crowd crams into CTA elevated trains to go home.

Then at 10:45 p.m., a spring on a Green Line train breaks causing the system to automatically cut all power to that train and five other trains on the Green Line, the Brown Line and the Orange Line.

The Chicago Trib article about this mess has the following description of the chaos from Roy Giles who was stuck on a Green Line train stopped at Wabash and Lake...

"They said they had trouble with the tracks. We expected to be there a few minutes.

"But 15 minutes passed, then a half-hour, then an hour passed.

"We were on there about an hour to an hour and 15 minutes. No air conditioners. The cars were packed. Everybody was like crazy in there, sweating."

"People were scared and crying. Some were about ready to fight, telling everybody, 'get off me' and 'don't push me.' It was crazy.

"If it had been another 15 minutes, there'd have been some fights. People would have started jumping off the train."

What was my future boyfriends response to an estimated 5,000 to 10,000 people being trapped on croweded, un-airconditioned trains for nearly an hour and a half? Well, Ron Huberman had this to say...

"I'd like to first apologize to CTA customers."

Nice, Ronnie baby. Open with an "I'm sorry." It's classy and heartfelt. I love it. And I love your pecs, by the way. And your rock hard... Ummm... Anyway...

Then, Mr. Huberman said...

"Without a doubt, there was an inconvenience in the Loop last night."

Ron, you know I love you and I seriously want to wine you, dine you and wash every inch of your body with my tongue, but... "inconvenience?"

Describing thousands of passengers trapped in cramped, sweltering elevated trains for 75 minutes as an "inconvenience" is sort of like describing 72 hours of labor during Natural Childbirth as "discomfort."

Or describing the The War in Iraq as a "Whoopsy."

Or describing you - - Ron Huberman - - as "Just average looking."

No, baby. You're "friggin' hot."

The War in Iraq is "A Massive National Tragedy Brought About By Our Morally Corrupt Leaders."

Childbirth is... okay, I don't know from experience, but I imagine it's "Painful." Like sticking an umbrella up your ass and opening it.

And July 3rd's CTA problems - - even if procedures were followed for safety reasons - - can be described as a "Mess" and the handling of the mess was "Inconsiderate Bordering On Cruel," "Uncommunicative" and "Chaotic."

But the situation is easily rectified.

Just take your shirt off.

Yum.


(Please note that I saw my Mr. Huberman at my new favorite gay bar and restaurant, The Halsted Street Grill, last week. He totally undressed me with his eyes.

He didn't actually look at me and doesn't have a single clue that I am even alive on this planet, but cut me some slack - - I'm a girl with dream!)

My Ultimate Wish List

Today, as we celebrate the America's birth, I thought it would be nice to display a little "wishful thinking" in the form of a news bulletin that actually hit the CNN INTERNATIONAL airwaves this past May for a brief 10 seconds.



According to a little news report I found, CNN was running a story about British Prime Minister Tony Blair stepping down from his post, and the banner that should have said "Blair resigns" instead mistakenly said "Bush resigns"

You might refer to this slight error as an "unfortunate mistake" or a "Freudian slip," but I like to think of this as the top item on my Ultimate Wish List.

Other items on my Ultimate Wish List include...

1) Playing Little Edie in the first community theatre production of GREY GARDENS

A crazy bitch who lives in chaos, is eternally single and breaks into song at the drop of a cat? Ya'll - - that's me!

I can't wait to belt the now classic lyric from THE REVOLUTIONARY COSTUME FOR TODAY:
"S-T-A-U-N-C-H!"


Come on! "Staunch" is the new "Does anyone still wear a hat?"


2) Exchanging DNA with one of those "Keira Knightley-esque," negative percent body fat, thin people who say things like...

"I don't know what's wrong with me.

I eat and I eat and I just cannot gain one pound.

It's so awful!"

A person who says something like that is evil and must be forced to eat Paula Deen's Krispy Kreme Bread Pudding to gain enough weight so I'm not tempted to pretend their thinly skin-covered rib cage is a xylophone and bang out that classic song from from OLIVER!, " Food Glorious Food!"


3) Convincing Christian Bale that I am the ONLY actor who could possibly play Dick Grayson / Robin, The Boy Wonder, in the next Batman movie after THE DARK KNIGHT.

For you fan boys wondering where I found out about this third Batman movie and Robin's debut in said feature film - - Don't get your underoos in a wad!

There is no third movie planned. I'm merely predicting the The Boy Wonder being brought in on the next go around.


And I'm staking my claim here and now to be the brightly colored costumed sidekick of The Dark Knight right down to the nut-hugger Daisy Dukes and the green, elven cutie-booties!

If anybody is going to be sliding down a Batpole with Christian Bale, it damn well better be me!


And as for everyone else, before you even THINK it - - YES, I could play a "Boy" Wonder.

I mean, what do Burt Ward and Chris O'Donnell have that I don't have?

Please Note: If your answer is "hair," I will knock you into next week and be there on Tuesday with a prescription because you will need drugs to kill the pain!

That said - - Happy 4th of July, ya'll!


And thanks to Bill in Exile for posting the "Bush resigns" picture. I didn't know it existed till I saw it there.

TMI Tuesday

Dirk over at Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling Ignore answers these TMI Tuesday questions and I thought I might give it a try.

So, for what it's worth...

1. Describe your first kiss.

I was 17. It was in a hotel room in the Hyatt Regency in Knoxville, TN with a hot, Hot, HOT boy from Memphis who was a baritone (I was a tenor) in the All State Chorus concert being held in KnoxVegas that year.

He was scruffy. He smoked. And that is why I sincerely love kissing a man who smokes. The tobacco. Added to the 5 o'clock shadow roughness on his cheek. Mmmm...

How does Peter Brady describe it? Oh, that's right. "Skyrockets."


2. Should a person's pubic hair be trimmed, shaved, or just grown out as the jungle God intended it to be?

I like 'em smooth. I like 'em hairy. I like 'em where they're smooth all over and then - - WHAMMO! - - it's a big, black jungle down there. What can I say? I like 'em all.

And that is why I am a slut.


3. What's the best super-hero comic book movie ever made?

Wow. My first TMI Tuesday and I get THIS question! Kismet. Yes, it is.

I would have to say that I presently believe BATMAN BEGINS to be the best comic book movie ever made - - even though I hate the title. My reason being that it treats the subject with respect and I can actually see how a regular man with Bruce Wayne's resources and experiences could become The Batman.

Now, whether or not they can continue the believability in THE DARK KNIGHT is another question entirely. But as long as Christian Bale is in the Batsuit, you won't be hearing any complaints from me.


4. Coke or Pepsi?

Coke. Diet Coke. Please.


5. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

Not by anyone who wasn't pleasantly surprised.

And soon thereafter joined in. Hey!


6. Which way do you lean your head when going for a kiss?

To the right. Unless he's a lefty and then I become versatile.

Or as John Cardone said to me in the dressing room at the Bailiwick when we were doing THE LAST SUNDAY IN JUNE...

"Sure, you're versatile, Stephen. Versatile. Spelled B-O-T-T-O-M."

Bitch.


7. Jockstraps, sexy or no?

I think I'll let these few pictures answer for me...

Exhibit A

****

Exhibit B

(Oiling the old baseball glove)

****

Exhibit C

(What do we look at first? His cute smile or his mega-pouch?)

****

Exhibit D

(How "Coppertone Tan" can we get?)

****

And last but not least

Exhibit E

I think the rear view... ummm... "drives home" my point...

Are jockstraps sexy? Hell to the Yeah!


Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever used the excuse, "Oh, I was so drunk that night, I don't remember a THING!"

No, because I'm never ashamed of all the things I do in the dead of night.

And I never forget them, either.

And my memory is LONG...


Thanks to Dirk for turning me on to these TMI Tuesday questions!

Dolly Parton Quote

"I always try to get the best lawyers. And the best accountants. And then, I'd get somebody to look over their shoulder, too. Me mostly."

- Dolly Parton on the Biography Channel special
HAIRDOS AND HEARTACHES: THE WOMEN OF COUNTRY MUSIC

Planet Unicorn Meets Tyra Banks (Hey!)

There is only one thing that could get me out of my "Scooter Libby Gets Commuted" funk and that is...

The Fourth Installment of

PLANET UNICORN

(Hey!)

What could make our Très Gay Trio of Unicorns even gayer? Why, the addition of Tyra Banks and AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL, of course!



Now, if you're new to the adventures of Feathers, Cadillac and Tom Cruise, be sure to check out PLANET UNICORN episodes one, two and three.

I am seriously thinking of being Feathers for Halloween. I mean, I already sound like him. And I own a cowboy hat... or four... so, why not?

Scooter Gets Commuted. America Gets Fucked

Today, President George W. Bush gave the United States a little early July 4th message.

In essence, he said...

"Happy Birthday, America!
And Fuck You!"

Those weren't his exact words. I'm merely translating what I heard when he commuted former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby's 30 month prison term.

A prison term Mr. Libby earned after being convicted of perjury, obstruction of justice and lying to investigators.

What is a "commutation," you ask? Well, according to Wikipedia...

"Commutation of sentence involves the reduction of legal penalties, especially of terms of imprisonment. Commutation is normally linked to prisoners' good behavior."

Good behavior? That's funny. I always thought that perjury, obstruction of justice and lying to investigators were considered BAD behavior.

Oh, wait. They must be talking about Scooter's good behavior in prison.

No... He isn't IN prison, yet.

Hmmmm... Smell that? Yep, that's the Bush Administration, alright.

According to CNN...

"A commutation is distinct from a pardon, which is a complete eradication of a conviction record -- making it the same as if the person has never been convicted. Bush has only commuted the jail term which means that the conviction remains on Libby's record and he must still pay a $250,000 fine."

Awwww.... Poor Scooter. Where on earth will he find all that money. I mean, it's not like he has friends who are getting kickbacks from Haliburton or anything.

CNN continues...

"Commutations are rarely granted, says CNN's chief legal analyst, Jeffrey Toobin. A commutation is a total right of the president and it cannot be challenged by any attorney or court, he said."

Cannot be challenged by any attorney or court?!? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN OUR COUNTRY?!? DOES THIS FRIGHTEN ANYONE ELSE AS MUCH AS IT FRIGHTENS ME?!?

Apparently, President Bush had to act quickly on this because, as CNN explains...

"Earlier Monday, a federal appeals court unanimously ruled that Libby could not delay serving his sentence, which would have put Libby just weeks away from surrendering to a prison.

In a written statement commuting the jail sentence, issued hours after Monday's ruling, Bush called the sentence "excessive," and suggested that Libby will pay a big enough price for his conviction."

So, the federal appeals court rules UNANIMOUSLY that Scooter has to "do the time" since he "did the crime," and our not-so-beloved Commander in Chief takes a couple of HOURS to raise his middle finger to the court, the congress and the entire U.S. of A. by commuting Libby's sentence.

An action that once again has our President telling US ALL, "Georgie Knows Best."

President Bush is quoted as saying...

"The consequences of his felony conviction on his former life as a lawyer, public servant, and private citizen will be long-lasting."

Boo Fucking Hoo.

He lied.

He put lives in jeopardy.

But since he basically took a bullet for Cheney in this one, Bush will protect him as best he can.

And the worst part - - if there can be a "worst part" - - is, as CNN explains...

"The commutation does nothing to prevent Libby from appealing his conviction. And if the appeal fails or is still in process at the end of Bush's term, there is nothing to prevent the President from granting Libby a full pardon before he leaves office."

So, this is Georgie's way of giving Scooter a little breathing room - - 567 days of "breathing room" - - until the end of The G.W. Years, so that just before January 20, 2009, Bush can pardon Mr. Libby and both of them can ride off into the sunset, free and easy.

Happy Birthday, America.

Sieg Heil!

Here's To Us. Who's Like Us? Damn Few.

Last Thursday, I left work a little early and took the Blue Line up to O'Hare to meet up with my old friend, Lance.

Here he is sporting the cutest smile ever seen...

I've known Lance since my college days back at the University of Tennessee and I am constantly amazed by him.

This is the man who has a letter of recommendation from theatre legend Hal Prince which simply reads...

"To whom it may concern: Give this kid a job."

He's spent time in Orlando working for "The Mouse."

He's spent years in South Korea teaching English and writing about his experiences on his blog, seoul-ful.

He's taken up the art of photography and has been approached to publish some of his photos of Korea in calendar and book form.

Best of all, he's a friend who I haven't seen or been able to hug for over 10 years and the second I saw him at the airport, it was as if no time had passed whatsoever.

Why was he at O'Hare? Another adventure, of course.

Lance was en route to Sidney, Australia where he will be studying for the next year to receive a Masters Degree in Teaching English as a Second Language.

He had problems making his flight to Australia once he landed in San Francisco (the fault of the airline, so he was promptly upgraded for his international flight), so he spent the night in San Fran last Thursday night.

He called me Friday afternoon to tell me that he was walking down Castro Street, passing the time before his now First Class flight to Sidney.

I told him to go "get him some" there in the gayest neighborhood in the known universe and Lance responded with a loud laugh that rivals my own - - a laugh full of life and love - - a laugh that demands to be heard - - a laugh that dares you not to laugh with him.

Then, he said the funniest thing about "getting some" on the Castro and afterwards flying First Class...

"I'm gonna get pounded and then I'm gonna get pampered."

Words to live by, eh?

I love you, Lance. Best of luck in Sidney.

Do those Australians know what's about to hit them?

The Cost of War

A couple of weeks ago, fellow blogger YinYang sent me a link to the National Priorities Project's web site.

The description on their home page reads...

National Priorities Project analyzes and clarifies federal data so that
people can understand and influence how their tax dollars are spent.

Currently, the cost of the Iraq War to the citizens of the United States of America is over 439 billion dollars.

Of course, the loss of the lives of our U.S. soldiers is a much greater cost than that.

The number of U.S. Soldiers who have lost their lives in the Iraq War since March, 2003 as of today is Three Thousand Five Hundred and Eighty-Two.

That's 3,582 PEOPLE.

A belated thanks to YinYang for sending me to the site. I had added a counter from the National Priorities Project site which displays the current cost of the Iraq War to this blog.

Since the government isn't asking the majority of the country to sacrifice for this war - - and the leaders of this country are sacrificing NOTHING to continue the War in Iraq - - let's remember the daily cost this war has in dollars and more importantly in human lives.

And my sincere sympathies go out to those U.S. citizens who are sacrificing the most for this war - - our United States soldiers and the mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, wives, husbands and lovers whose loved ones have died fighting this war.

"Bring Them Home Now."

The Joans!

Here they are, folks. My new favorite band of all-time.

The uber-fabulous...

Mayer should know the price they pay...

They ought to have property of MGM tattooed on their backsides...

Our Dearest Mommies...



I saw The Joans in what I believe was their debut at the Handbag Happening, a benefit for one of the best damn theatre companies in Chicago, Hell in a Handbag Productions.

They sang a number of songs, but my favorite of the evening is a song that is getting a LOT of rotation in my iTunes entitled MAD AT THE DIRT!

Here is a clip of MAD AT THE DIRT from their first gig at Jackhammer. Be sure to play this all the way to the end for David Cerda's hilarious tag at the end of the video. His last line of this clip is an instant classic!



They have a couple of gigs coming up, so check out their site or the Hell in a Handbag site for info on when and where you can catch them. I will be at the August 3rd date most definitely!

And here they are in their first official band photo - - The Joans!

The Joans (from top L) Ed Joans, Jennifer Joans, Aaron Joans, Davy Joans, and Taylor Joans.

Photo by Rick Aguilar www.rickaguilar.com

Graphics by Michael Miller

Go and see them. They are brilliant.

Rainbow of Terror

I just ran across the news that yesterday, two cars packed with explosives were discovered outside a nightclub near Piccadilly Circus in London and today a flaming Jeep Cherokee rammed into Glasgow's airport.

Yes, you're right, I would probably make a joke about a flaming Jeep Cherokee sounding like an extremely nelly SUV - - probably driven by Tom Cruise - - if the threat being presented wasn't so frightening.

In reading about how the U.K. is reacting to this bomb threat, I noticed something - - the United Kingdom has simple, precise and informative Terror Alert System.

And it's not color coded.

This is the U.K.'s Terror Alert System...

• Low - an attack is unlikely
• Moderate - an attack is possible, but not likely
• Substantial - an attack is a strong possibility
• Severe - an attack is highly likely
• Critical - an attack is expected imminently

By doing a quick google search, I found the UK government's web page that lists these levels, announces the current Terror Alert Level, and then goes into great detail to describe how the government decides the current Terror Level and who in the government decides on the current Terror Level.

The site even has a short paragraph describing "How the Public should respond to different National Threat Levels."

Then, there's our Homeland Security Advisory System


It's color-coded. I guess that's supposed to make the system easier to understand - - as if Americans don't know the difference between "Low" and "Severe."

Well, now that I'm thinking of my relatives, maybe some can't. Still, the Red at the top of the chart is kind of overkill for me. It makes me feel like Robby the Robot is going to leap out any minute, flail his arms and shout "Danger Will Robinson! Danger Will Robinson!"

And as Mario Cantone said in his brilliant one-man show LAUGH WHORE...

"What Alert are we at now? Yellow? Last week was Burnt Sienna. Where the fuck are we today?

Blue. Green. Red. Orange. It's a Rainbow of Terror!

Who designed this shit? The Gay Men's Chorus?!?"

But color-coding is all the U.S. gives it's citizens. Unlike the U.K., the United States Homeland Security web page for the Advisory System doesn't describe how the government decides the current level, nor does it describe who in the government decides on the current level.

It's interesting that Homeland Security has kept us at an Advisory Level of "Elevated" for so long - - a level which means "Significant Risk of Terrorist Attacks" - - and now that there actually IS a significant risk of a terrorist attack in light of what's going on in London and Glasgow, they can't increase the Advisory Level to the proper place in their system. And to increase the Level to "High" would be ridiculous and might possibly cause panic.

But then, that's what George W. and the people at Homeland Security want to do - - cause panic, keep the herd in line.

I have no idea who created this little edit of the Advisory System, but it perfectly describes how the United States government wants us all to feel.


Will we ever be at the Frankenberry Level again? Will we?

Ann, Elizabeth, Luke and Ron

Dealing with my apartment's mini-flood, I missed the following quote made by Ann Coulter on GOOD MORNING AMERICA earlier this week...

"If I'm going to say anything about John Edwards in the future, I'll just wish he had been killed in a terrorist assassination plot"

- Ann Coulter

Later in the week, when Ms. Coulter was on HARDBALL WITH CHRIS MATTHEWS, Elizabeth Edwards said the following via phone...

"The things she (Coulter) has said over the years, not just about John but about other candidates, lowers the political dialogue at precisely the time we need to raise it."

- Elizabeth Edwards

Ms. Edwards went on to say that the felt Ms. Coulter's words were "a dialogue on hatefulness and ugliness."

While I absolutely agree with Ms. Edwards that Ms. Coulter's words are indeed hateful and ugly, I find them interesting when compared to a comment she made two days after the tragedy of September 11th...

"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity."

- Ann Coulter

It's fascinating to me that the warmongers in this country are the very same people who claim to know and to love Jesus Christ.

I am not a Bible scholar, but I can read The Gospel of Luke which says...

But I say unto you which hear, Love your enemies, do good to them which hate you,

Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.

And unto him that smiteth thee on the one cheek offer also the other; and him that taketh away thy cloke forbid not to take thy coat also.

Give to every man that asketh of thee; and of him that taketh away thy goods ask them not again.

And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise.

- Luke 6:27-31, KJV

In my opinion, no one running for the Office of the Presidency understands this more than Congressman Ron Paul.

I never would have thought in a million years that I would seriously consider voting for a Republican, but after seeing this clip of Congressman Paul at one of the earlier Republican debates, I believe I have found a man who might possibly be able to bring the country out of the Bush darkness.

"We need to look at what we do from the perspective of what would happen if somebody else did it to us."

- Congressman Ron Paul

I was in the Middle East in 2000. When the towers fell, I remembered the people I had met, the things they said. It was clear to me that from everything they knew and understood about us, we are the Evil Empire. We are the baby killers.

If we truly are the ultimate Super Power in the world and if we do believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ, shouldn't we be the first to sit down at the table, talk to our enemies and try to understand why they hate us BEFORE we bomb their cities, kill their civilians and take over countries?

Apparently not. Christians like Ms. Coulter and G.W. call for and give an eye for an eye. Ms. Coulter even goes so far as to want to "kill their leaders."

Ms. Coulter, if Paris Hilton actually did read her Bible in prison, perhaps she could teach you this very basic verse from Luke...

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned: forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.

- Luke 6:37, KJV

Sac City

Bill in Exhile posted this pic and it just made me giggle.

I mean, my eye immediately went down to the boy's basket - - and the last time I saw a basket like that it was around Red Ridinghood's arm - - and then I looked up at the name on his Lycra.

The name just says it all!

But the best part is that there actually IS a Sac City.

It's in Iowa.

Go know.

Good Cop, Baby Cop

At the end of a very interesting post from An Angry White Guy in Chicago, I found this video and I love it.

Even more than I loved FANTASTIC FOUR: THE RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER, which I saw last night

And the new FF movie has Chris Evans in it.

Half naked.

So, that's saying a lot.

Dionysus

I saw this little online test on Mike's blog and I just couldn't resist taking it.

And ya'll, once again the internet is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!!!

Your Score: Dionysus

0% Extroversion, 13% Intuition, 100% Emotiveness, 76% Perceptiveness

Although deeply emotional, you are extremely lacking in self-knowledge. You are somewhat needy, and when bored, may become very hedonistic. Your life is a quest for meaning, above all else. You are most like Dionysus. You are primarily interested in serving others, but your efforts are almost always unappreciated. You aren't confrontational, you're often out of tune with your own needs and unaware of the consequences of your own actions.

You are, at heart, a good person. You are very affectionate, and you are very loyal to your friends and family. You are very reluctant to burden others with your own problems, to the point that this in itself can become a problem for the people who care about you. This is a particular of a more general problem. Dionysus sends wave of ruin throughout his personal life. He is the photographer who seduces his subjects. He is the teacher who seduces a student. He is the art student who paints nonrepresentational splashes of color, he is the poet who rejects meter and content. You seek sexual partners more than anything else (this is to exploit the nurturing side of others to help fill your own void). If not sexual partners, this desire to become the object of sympathy with other people can manifest itself in other destructive ways. Stinkfist by Tool explains your condition pretty well. It's very likely that you haven't had many experienced mentors. You don't want them either, because you're the sort of person who rejects criticism and boundaries, but they're also your only hope for reaching any kind of emotional maturity.

Famous People Like You: John Lennon, Mick Jagger, Michael Jackson, Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe, Hugh Hefner
I'd tell you to stay clear of Hermes, Icarus and Apollo, but you could probably learn something from them. You're least likely to hurt The Oracle, Atlas, Prometheus, and Daedalus, but Atlas and Daedalus won't like you very much.
Seek out: The Oracle, Prometheus

Link: The Greek Mythology Personality Test written by Aleph_Nine on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I know I should probably be offended by phrases like...

"extremely lacking in self-knowledge"

"somewhat needy"

"when bored, may become very hedonistic"

But when it says, "You are, at heart, a good person. You are very affectionate, and you are very loyal to your friends and family," who am I to say no to that description?

And let's face it, if I truly am "the photographer who seduces his subjects" and "the teacher who seduces a student," sure that's really decadent but isn't it friggin' HOT?!?!

Skydiving Speedos

My cousin Kristie - - the thoughtful, lovely, sexy one who gave me my very own Instant Adoring Boyfriend - - emailed me a picture of her sweetie, J, in response to my Speedo Junkie post.

J loves skydiving and this is a picture of his 100th jump.

As Kristie explained in the email...

"Your supposed to do a naked skydive on your 100th jump but J was a little bashful about that so we found this great toucan speedo at Fredericks."

Kristie added...

"Check out the beak.

And people wonder why we've been together for ten years!

All the girls at the dropzone are so jealous."

I'll bet they are jealous. I'm jealous!

That's a pretty... ummm... "full beak" that J's got there, Kristie.

Please let J know that when your beak is that full, there is absolutely NOTHING to be bashful about!!!

If all of the guys are as hot as J, maybe I should take up skydiving... Hmmm...

Vibrate Me

I am proud and extremely happy to say that my mother is no longer just my parent, she is now my friend.

And as friends, I'm sure that sometimes we say things to each other that most mothers and sons would never say to each other.

For example, when I was ending our daily phone call this morning and told her that I would call her cell phone later this evening, she said...

"I'm gonna leave it on vibrate, so call me.

When I'm naked, I don't have no pocket to put it in."

Funny. Slightly naughty. With just a hint of something even kinkier.

The apple does not fall far from the tree.

The Rains Came (Or Is It Runs?)

I am big believer in the idea that God sometimes gives us blessings that we initially perceive as bad luck or Murphy's Law or the karmic equivalent of walking through a cow pasture and heel-toe'ing into manure with each and every step.

For example, yesterday morning - - early, early morning - - I woke up with a nasty stomach ache and something Southerners refer to as "The Green Apple Quick Steps."

(If you don't have a clue what that means, go here and read the definition in the middle of the page.)

I decided to stay at home, drink tons of the The Pink Stuff and gobble Immodium until my intestinal track ran as slow as the CTA.

Then, it happened.

What is "it?" Well, you know that phrase, "Sometimes there's God so quickly," right? Well, in my case, I was sitting at my desk here at home working on my laptop and then...

"Sometimes I'm Shelly Winters so quickly."

There was incredibly loud thunder and out of nowhere rain started pouring in sheets. This happens about every other day in the South, so thunder and lightening don't freak me out very much...

But four inches of rain in a 30 minute period that starts gushing into my little basement apartment like a queer mini-Niagra Falls MOST DEFINITELY freaks me out.

In minutes, water was pouring through both doors of my apartment. I ran back and forth through all the rooms unplugging everything and moving anything near floor-level to higher ground.

Then, the power went out in my building.

I am sure I looked like Jodi Foster in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS as I stumbled blindly trying to save... well, I wasn't trying to save a full figured girl in a well... I was trying to save my Judy Garland dvd's!

The rain was quick and hard - - which I enjoy in most things, but when it comes to floods, not so much. In less than half an hour, I was standing in four feet of water throughout my entire apartment.

Luckily, I was able to save nearly everything. Nothing was really ruined. Not my Tivo, not my comic books, not my laptop, not my stereo or my vintage Bette Midler albums. Nothing.

And you see, if God hadn't give me The Green Apple Quick Steps in the morning, I would have lost several of those things to this 30 minute flood.

So it's true. Sometimes there is God so quickly.

But God, if you don't mind - - the next time, could you give me something a little more attractive than diarrhea? I would greatly appreciate it.

Andy Roddick: Up and Over

I've never really followed tennis. I've never really been a fan of the game.

That said, if Andy Roddick keeps doing things like THIS at Wimbledon, I will be buying a tennis racket and... shall we say... "learning the in's and out's of the sport" in the VERY near future.

What IS he doing there?

And why was I not there to help him out when he was IN that position?

Thanks to Guys Next Door for posting the pic.

Gay Pride 2007 - Part One

Okay, here it is, folks. Chicago's very own...

Gay Pride Parade 2007

I met Michael and Ryan at the corner of Cocksucker and Rimjob... err... I mean... Roscoe and Broadway...


For reasons that I don't understand but I truly love, Michael and Ryan's first question to me when I arrived at our Homo Central du jour was something to the effect of...

"Which one of the DESIGNING WOMEN are you?"

I immediately said that I would accept NOTHING less than Julia (the radiant Dixie Carter), which left Michael to claim Bernice (Alice Ghostly). Say hello, "Bernice."



Wait. What does that button say on "Bernice's" leg?


Oh, "Bernice." You're so fantastically trashy. We love you so.

Cutie-patootie Ryan chose Charlene. Since he would be our Rose if we were THE GOLDEN GIRLS, it fits perfectly.

But ya'll. Look at what I caught "Charlene" doing...



Folks, the picture above is rare, Rare, RARE!!!

That's a picture of a gay man actually EATING IN FRONT OF OTHER GAY MEN AT A GAY PRIDE PARADE!!!!

Seeing a gay man eat a muffin in public at a gay pride parade is like seeing Tom Cruise lick pussy - - it just DOESN'T HAPPEN NATURALLY!!!


Okay... ummm... "Charlene" seems to be enjoying her muffin a little too much, don'tcha think?

It didn't take long until we were met by my good friends Karen, Philip, Lynda, Doug, Jackie, Mike, Andy "Charlene's" friend Phillipe and Karen's friends AJ and Steven.

Then, the parade began! Here are some of the highlights.

Notice that my "highlights" center on half-naked men. I know the first rule of mass media...

"Give the people what they want!"

The float in the picture above is for Roscoe's and I sure hope that's a "20 Years" and not a "10 Years" sign. I think they are lying about their age even at 20 years.

I mean, wasn't Roscoe's around when our boys came home from The Great War? And even THEN, it was populated by barely legal twinks in flip-flops and white belts.


Let's see, who sponsored the float in the picture above?

Men + Shorty-Short Towels + Bubbles = Bathhouse!

That's right. It's Steamworks. Steamworks celebrated a big anniversary last year and decorated the front of their building with a huge string of pearls. I remember saying to someone...

"Why does Steamworks have a big pearl necklace around it's... oh... nevermind..."

The picture above is of the Circuit float.

As I took this picture, the boy in the center caught me doing my best Jimmy Olsen of his amazingly hot physique and grinned like a cute 5 year old boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Then, he pointed at me and blew me a kiss. I would like to publicly announce right here and now that I would like to personally thank him for his kind kiss and return it with a blow of my own. One of the "job" variety.

He is HOT!



The rest of the Circuit float was pretty fabulous too. I love the guy in the red wings (Did I just type "red wings?" Oh my dear Lord...), but the boy in pink wins the prize for "Hottest Boy With Wings" of the day.



"Think Pink," indeed.

More Gay Pride Parade coverage to come.

Tomorrow, I will post pictures from the end of the parade and cute pictures of AJ, Steven, Karen, Phillipe and the lovely Dan who walked the parade route in his underwear for his upcoming production of A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM.

When the crowd wasn't giving him all the hooting and hollering and applause that is indeed NECESSARY when one is marching, Dan would scream at the crowd...

"Look, bitches. I'm walking down the street IN MY UNDERWEAR!!! I'm not doing this so you can just stand there and take pictures. MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE!!!"

That's why I love me some Dan.

Hope everyone had a Happy Pride!