Perry Moore, "Hero" & A Very Telling List

A recent post of Mike's brought Perry Moore to my attention once again - - particularly Mr. Moore's new novel "Hero" and a very telling list he has compiled describing the fate of gay and lesbian superheroes and supervillains in the world of comics.

Mr. Moore writes in his introduction of the list...


"The following list is a catalogue of the treatment of gays in the medium. The goal is to facilitate discussion and awareness, that fans expect and deserve better treatment of lesbian, gay, and transgendered characters. The very fabric of our society is defined by whom we choose to venerate as our heroes. Things are beginning to change, but for every step forward – and there are some very good ones -- the comic book world has taken some giant leaps back. Most gay characters, even in their small numbers, still remain primarily as villains, minor characters, and victims who are tortured, maimed and killed. Is this a fair representation of LGBT characters in the medium? That is left for you to decide. Yes, bad things do happen to all people, gay people included. But are there positive representations of gay characters to counterbalance these negative ones? Who cares about the death of a gay superhero anyway?"


I wanted to pass on the history - - and more often than not the bloody ways these characters were killed off - - of a few of the superheroes and supervillains that Mr. Moore has catalogued (These are his words, not mine)...

NORTHSTAR
"1st gay male hero to come out in the Marvel Comics Universe, thus making him their most prominent gay hero. Between February 16 and March 9, 2005, Northstar is killed in three different realities, during the most prominent of which, the X-Men’s most popular hero, Wolverine (star of the X-Men movies), impales him through the chest with his metal claws. Marvel’s most prominent gay hero is later resurrected as a murderous zombie assassin."



FREEDOM RING
"Hailed by Marvel Editor-In-Chief Joe Quesada as the new example of Marvel’s open policy toward gays in their books as “the star of Marvel Team-Up.” Quesada went on to say, “We’ve had more gay and lesbian characters appearing in Marvel comics than ever before.” Marvel Team-Up #24, three weeks after Quesada’s comments, features Freedom Ring, his finger sliced off and then graphically killed with 28 spikes impaling him, including one through the groin and protruding from his anus. Series cancelled with issue #25."


MONSIEUR MALLAH & THE BRAIN
"Sadistic supervillains and gay lovers. One is a talking gorilla and the other is a disembodied brain in a jar. They’ve been searching to create a new body for the Brain so he and Monsieur Mallah may consummate their love. Last appeared in DC’s Teen Titans, aimed at teens. No gay heroes in the book, just these gay villains."



MOONDRAGON
"Depowered and maimed lesbian hero. Fitted with a power-inhibiting headband as punishment. Kidnapped and had her ear ripped off by a villain who makes her girlfriend (the new Captain Marvel) deliver the body part to her father as a ransom note. (Marvel’s “Annhiliation” series, summer 2006)."

BLARNEY COCK
"In series “the Boys,” a superhero police force kills hero Blarney Cock, and upon his disembowelment, a gerbil crawls out of his anus. The Boys also blackmail gay heroes with gay sex surveillance photos. (“The Boys,” issue #6)"

SHOUT OUT
"Gay member of superhero group Teenage Kix. Has his thumbs ripped off by superhero police force."


I could go on for quite a long time...

...since those are just six of the first seven characters on Mr. Perry's list... a list of over 60.

This isn't to say that isn't some progress being made to include gay and lesbian characters in comic books - - I personally think that some of the recent issues of THE BOYS are bringing up interesting issues - - but for every Midnighter and Apollo gay couple, there are the acts of violence suffered by those characters.

As Mr. Perry writes about Apollo and Midnighter...

"Thinly veiled gay versions of Superman and Batman. Super-assassin heroes, stars of super group “The Authority.” Book cancelled by parent company Warner Bros for implying Superman and Batman are gay. Book brought back as result of fan-popularity. Apollo attacked and gang-raped by supervillain team. Midnighter has his heart ripped out by supervillain. Couple marries and adopts baby girl and continues to kill threats to our safety in all universes. Midnighter now has his own solo series—without Apollo."

Paula's (Pajama) Party

Y'all tonight, two titans are coming together.

Two women who I never thought I would see on the same television show are joining forces...

...to make cheeseballs!

That's right! Tonight, on Paula Deen's hour-long show, PAULA'S PARTY, one of her guests will be Jeri Blank herself, Amy Sedaris.


The episode is entitled, "Pajama Party."

And Amy will be sharing her recipe for "Heavy-set Cheese Balls."

Whether that means the cheese balls are heavy-set or after eating the cheese balls you will BECOME heavy-set is anyone's guess.

Tune in tonight to find out!

Larry Craig's "Super Tuber"

Bill in Exile just posted about this and it's too good - - dare I say, "too juicy?" - - not to pass on.

This is recipe from Senator Larry Craig for one of his favorite snacks called....

...and I swear, I'm not making this up...

A Super Tuber

Seriously. Super Tuber.

Seriously.

This is Larry's foreword for the recipe...

"Super Tuber is a great snack that uses one of my favorite vegetables: The Idaho Potato. Of course, I suppose any type of potato could be used, but I cannot guarantee that a Super Tuber made with anything but a true Idaho potato would taste as good."

- Sincerely, Larry E. Craig, United States Senator

The recipe is as follows...


Ingredients:
1 hot dog, cook's choice
1 Idaho baking potato, 7 to 10 ounces
Mustard for dipping, any style

Other condiments as desired such as cheese sauce, sour cream, chili, chives, bacon pieces or black olives.

Wash and dry potato. Rub with shortening or butter. With an apple corer or small knife, core out the potato center (end to end). Push hot dog through the center. Bake until potato is cooked through.

Serving Suggestions: Allow potato to cool slightly. Eat as a finger food, dipping in your favorite hot dog condiments (mustard is my favorite).

So, Larry Craig loves to munch on wieners...

...wieners that are fucking potatoes...

...Idaho potatoes.

Truth is indeed sicker than fiction.

Apparently, Larry fell in love with Idaho potatoes and wieners at an early age.

Here's a picture of Larry munching on a fat one when he was very, very young...


You know, he looked good with his hair in piggy-tails, didn't he?

Piggy. Tails. That's funny.

Fratboy Friday

It's been two weeks since we've had one of these, so I know everyone is chomping at the bit - - so to speak - - for a new Fratboy Friday.

Here are this week's...

BOYS IN CAPS

Wait. In the upper right hand corner. Does that say TomCat Studios? TomCat?

You don't think that Katie Holmes' husband has a web site filled with pictures of half-naked men, do you?

THAT would be SHOCKING, wouldn't it?

****

SAGGERS

Now, that's what I'm talkin' about! Not only a sagger, but a Southern Sagger!!!

I'd love to see that boy in My Tennessee Mountain Home!!!

Do you understand my love of The South now? Oh, yeah...

****

MOONERS

Look at the two guys on the bottom row in the middle of the picture.

They say that 1 in 10 people are gay.

Now, we know that among 13 soccer players, there's at least one gay couple.

Isn't that sweet?

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Why am I never invited to parties like this?

WHY!?!?!?!?

Pickle Kissing

Just now, Alex wrote this in the comment section on my post about National Coming Out Day...

"A PICKLE KISSER??????

"I'm not even going to pretend to know what that means."

Granted, this may not be "Pickle KISSING," but I think the clip from THE SOUP will explain it all for you...



Joel McHale is right. "There is nothing to say."

Cap's New Look... And Accessories

Well folks, here he is - - the new Captain America, as drawn by Alex Ross.

This new Cap will be making his debut - - or "comeback"... or "return" - - in CAPTAIN AMERICA #34.

But this is not your grandfather's Captain America, because...

A) That isn't Steve Rogers inside the new Cap costume and...

B) Captain America (no, your eyes aren't playing tricks on you) now carries a gun and a knife alongside his symbolic shield.

Standby: Fanboy vitriol. Fanboy vitriol: Go!

Trapped in the Closet

Today is National Coming Out Day, y'all!

Which is why I would like to tell you all that I am GAY!!!

That's right! I'm a queer. A fag. Light in the Loafers. A Friend of Dorothy. A Rider of the Hershey Highway. A Pickle Kisser. A Corn Holer. I'm a Three Dollar Bill. A Football Bat.

As Lisa Lampanelli says, "My Chapstick is cock flavored."

Now, since I've Come Out of the Closet, I urge the following individuals to do the same.

And if you don't Come Out, you'll be Trapped in the Closet with this guy...

Pretty fuckin' scary, huh?

"Wait" has almost always meant, "Never!"

Philip is 10 years younger than I am, 110% cuter than I am and, as seen in his comment about the removal of the transgender community from ENDA, he is infinitely more intelligent than I am.

Philip suggested that Michael at GayOrbit.net read Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "Letter from a Birmingham Jail."

I found this passage in that letter that spoke to me with regards to the issue of the inclusion or exclusion of the transgender people in the gay community...

"For years now I have heard the word 'wait!'

"It rings in the ear of every Negro with piercing familiarity.

"This 'Wait' has almost always meant ';Never.'

"We must come to see, with one of our distinguished jurists, that 'justice too long delayed is justice denied.'"

Are gay men and lesbians going to abandon our trans brothers and sisters at this point in our fight for equal rights? We've been struggling for this since 1969.

Do you think that some kind of bizarre SOPHIE'S CHOICE decision of leaving one of our own behind so the rest of us can move ahead will actually make those in power ALLOW us TO move ahead? No, those in power will deny us like always and we will fraction our unique and diverse community.

Alex said it best in her original comment to Michael's post on GayOrbit.net on 10/9/07...

"Just remember my dear,
it was the Queens that started Stonewall, not the Homos.

"You wouldn’t have a leg to stand on
if it wasn’t for the Trans community."

ENDA and the Missing "T"

After reading about it on Alex's blog, I'm currently in the middle of a little virtual debate over at GayOrbit.net with Michael who believes that transgender people should not be included alongside gay, lesbian and bisexual people in the current version of the Hate Crimes Bill. As he says...

"The proper thing for trans activists and people like Alex to do would be to wish us well and to push for a bill that will pass. If and when it does pass, and if the president signs the bill, then we’ll celebrate. When that’s done, we’ll start pushing for the inclusion of other sexual minorities in the EDNA."

By the way, Michael meant to write "ENDA," not "EDNA."

Whoever "EDNA" is, I don't think she'll be thrilled if all the sexual minorities in the world want to be included in her!

For those of you who don't know, here's a definition of ENDA, according to Wikipedia...

"The Employment Non-Discrimination Act (ENDA), introduced as H.R. 2015 in the 110th United States Congress on April 24, 2007, is a proposed U.S. federal law that would prohibit discrimination against employees on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity. The bill provides employment protections similar to those of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (also known as "Title VII"), but specifically directed to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender employees. The bill is different from Title VII in that it contains exemptions for religious organizations and specific provisions about employer dress codes.

"On September 27, 2007, a revised version of the ENDA was presented to the House by Rep. Barney Frank. The revised version of the bill no longer includes language regarding protections for transgendered people. The September version of ENDA has been protested by the majority of LGBT rights organizations with the exception of the Human Rights Campaign."

Good ol' HRC. Always backing away when we need 'em most!

Anyway, check out the debate if you like. Here's just a little sample of my response to Michael's post...

"You describing the 'proper thing for trans activists and people like Alex to do' - - which, according to you, would be for them to bow out graciously so the rest of us can have our rights inside while they remain outside - - sounds to me like you’re telling the trans community…

"'Sure, you can stay at the party. We don’t WANT you here and the party would be SO much better if you left, but you can stay. I would NEVER ask you to leave. I’m a nice person that way.'"

"The Rich and Beautiful Get Down and Ugly."

Usually, when a commercial for the CW's GOSSIP GIRL comes on, nothing on it really grabs my attention...

...other than the insipidly moronic writing that has characters saying things like...

"This party is about excess. Stop talking. Start partying."

...or...

Rich Girl One: "Enough, ok?"

Rich Girl Two: "It's enough when I SAY it's enough."

...or my personal favorite...

“Take it easy Socrates. What we’re entitled to is a trust fund, maybe a house in the Hamptons, a prescription drug problem. Happiness does not seem to be on the menu, so smoke up and seal the deal with Blair, because you’re also entitled to tap that ass.”

Isn't that sweet?

Nothing reminds us that LEAVE IT TO BEAVER premiered 50 years ago like a show shoving the fact that 1% of 1% of America's population control all the wealth of this country.

Now I know how Beryl Mercer felt when James Cagney shoved that grapefruit in her face in THE PUBLIC ENEMY in 1931.

But just now, this particular piece of the commercial grabbed my attention...

"Discover a world where the rich and beautiful get down and ugly."

I'm sorry, but since we're surrounded by stories and images describing Britney's breakdown, Lindsay's coke binges, Paris in prison, O.J., the President, Haliburton and (insert today's celebrity scandal here), don't we LIVE in a world "where the rich and beautiful get down and ugly" every day of our lives?!?!

Needless to say, I probably won't be giving GOSSIP GIRL a try.

Although, I love the fact that they use my mother's song in their commercials.

Gimme More Shoes

I knew that Britney Spears' new single, GIMME MORE, reminded me of something.

I mean something besides the obvious, "If you don't go to rehearsal, you'll look like a schmuck with bad hair extensions in performance."

The tune sounded vaguely like it fit with another piece of music, but after listening to every one of my Sondheim original cast recordings, I was stumped.

Until I heard a mashup by Titus Jones which combines Britney's GIMME MORE with my favorite "betch" Kelly's hit song, SHOES.

Naturally, the mash up is entitled GIMME MORE SHOES.

And now, Liam Kyle Sullivan has created this new clip of GIMME MORE SHOES combining Britney's video with Kelly's.

This is the YouTube equivalent of Lucy Ricardo meeting Dick Van Dyke...

...if Lucy had ever shaved her head, flashed her vagina to the press and played Whac-a-Mole on a car with her umbrella...

...and if Dick Van Dyke had hit songs as a drag queen.

Ok, my comparison sucks, but this video is hilarious - - an instant classic.

LOLgayporn

Several people have told me about I Can Has Cheez Burger - - a blog featuring random pictures of cats in various poses with captions printed on the picture written in that bizarre, internet "Title of a Prince Song" language that makes my skin crawl because - - Dear sweet Jesus - - I've started using it!

Now, I know tons of people see the pictures on I Can Has Cheez Burger and end up rolling on the floor laughing...

...oops... sorry... my bad... I mean they "ROFL"...

...but since I don't subscribe to CAT FANCY and I have never owned a "Hang in There Kitty" poster, I just don't enjoy the ironic cat pics like everybody else.

Luckily for me, some gay men have taken the idea to the next level.

It's the same basic concept, except that instead of pictures of cats, this new blog puts funny captions on amateur and professional gay porn pics.

And if you thought ironic, internet slang captions on pictures of pussies were funny, wait till you see it on pictures of cock!

The site is LOLgayporn and please be aware that they are not exaggerating with that title. These are gay porn pics. Some of them are kinda hardcore.

Not to me, but... well... you know...

So, if you're at work or if the sight of two guys cornholing makes you queasy, enter at your discretion.

But trust me, go there. It is laugh out loud - - damn... sorry... LOL - - funny!

Also, you should go there because they take picture submissions. As a matter of fact, one of my LOLgayporn creations was chosen for their most recent "guest blogger" post.

My submission demanded to be sent to LOLgayporn. The picture called to me and the caption practically wrote itself.

I mean, when a guy is on the phone masturbating and the tv behind him is playing, not porn, but an episode of REBA, the comedy literally POURS out.

TMI Tuesday

My quick trip back home to Tennessee has me all turned around.

I was so crazed trying to mark off all the tasks on my "To Do List" that I didn't even post any fratboys last Friday.

Sorry if I left you guys hangin'... so to speak...

So, before today passes me by completely, here is this week's TMI Tuesday.

1. Wash up, cuddle or fall asleep?

We're talking post-coital, right? Yeah, I guess we are. But if so, the options are a little strange aren't they?

I mean according to this, if you choose to cuddle, then you don't (or won't) fall asleep.

Or if you choose to fall asleep, then no cuddling! You have to stay on your side of the bed and avoid physical contact with the person who just had his tongue in parts of your body that you haven't even seen and aren't too keen on touching.

Or you wash up, but after that, no sleeping or cuddling! Still, if I was "washing up" with either one of these boys, who really gives a damn about sleep, right?

As nice as that sounds, it's the combination of all three that I enjoy.

It's the perfect formula: Hot sex, followed by a hot shower, followed by cuddling under cool sheets. Fall asleep. Wake. Repeat.

2. Have you ever fake orgasms?

Who wrote this question? Tarzan, Tonto and Frankenstein?

Shouldn't it be, "Have you ever faked orgasms?" And for me, let's refer to it as an "orgasm." Singular. Because I can only have one at a time - - unlike the woman who lives in the apartment above me.

And since I have a penis, "faking an orgasm" for me would consist of a TWISTER-like sexual position, split-second timing and Jergen's Lotion warmed to 98 degrees and shot out of a water pistol that I would pull out from God only knows where.

Have I ever faked an orgasm? No.

3. In any 24 hour period, what is the most number of time you have ever had sex?

What is UP with the sentence structure on these questions this week?!?

I know these are probably just typos, but don't these questions sound like they were written by "Sidney Wang" in MURDER BY DEATH to you?

Where's Truman Capote as Lionel Twain when we need him? Delivering this killer grammar lesson from the movie...

Sidney Wang: Yes, is confusing.

Lionel Twain: IT! IT is confusing! Say your goddamn pronouns!

Dear Lord, I love that line... What was the question again?...

Oh, yes! My answer to how many times I've had sex in a 24 hour period is - - conservatively - - three.

I say "conservatively" because... well, what I consider "sex" and what a majority of folks consider "sex" is quite different.

To me, if a penis or a vagina is receiving pleasure in any way - - no matter how simple or complex - - that is a sexual act.

But for quite a number of people, a penis has to go into and come out of a below-the-waist orifice SEVERAL TIMES before it "counts" as sex.

And to those who believe that, I say...

"What? The mouth isn't a hole anymore?!?!"

So, since I consider such a wide range of activities "sex," we'll keep my number at three and I'll let you imagine just how much it increases... exponentially...

4. Have you ever had sex or give/received oral sex while you were driving a car?

The drive from Chicago, IL to Knoxville, TN is over 9 hours long.

"Books On Tape" can only get you so far. Does that answer the question?

5. What do you think the average number of sexual partners your sex has in their lifetime (so for me a male)?

Do you think most people lie when asked?

Average? I would say... hmmm.... fifty. Maybe more.

Right now, I wish I was helping "raise the average." But I digress...

Why do most people lie when asked? Because everyone seems to want a whore in the bedroom and an angel everywhere else.

But many people don't believe that the two sides can ever exist in one person.


So, they lie about the sex they have or the number or partners they've had, so that other's will believe them to be an angel. And they will look for an angel as a partner.

And as they search for that angel, they will have fantastic sex with many whores in many bedrooms, but they will never believe for a moment that that each one of those whores is also an angel.

And that there's nothing wrong with anyone being both or wanting both.

Because there's nothing wrong with sex.

But people who sleep with whores and marry angels believe somewhere inside of them that sex is dirty and wrong and unclean.

So, they lie and pass themselves off as an angel so that they can marry an angel. And sleep with whores behind the angel's back.

Bonus (as in optional):Can men and women be "just friends?" (Explain)

No. Harry married Sally. Case closed. Nora Ephron has spoken.

What If Larry Craig Got An Award For Lying?

There are times when I think that we are currently living inside an issue of Marvel Comics "What If" written by Stan Lee by way of The Onion.

For example, Larry Craig has lied to his wife, his family, his constituents and most importantly HIMSELF by stating that he wasn't trying to play a tune on the skin flute of the guy in the neighboring stall in that airport bathroom.

Mr. Craig has stood at a press conference proclaiming "I am not gay. I never have been gay," and oddly enough, his nose didn't grow so long and hard that he tried to mount it.

Mr. Craig has been advised to resign from the Senate by everyone in his political party, the other political party and the sex party he tried to crash that he found on Craig's List (the politician and the site are not related), but he won't quit.

And what does America do to liars who refuse to admit their own mistakes? Well, in Mr. Craig's case, we induct him into Idaho's Hall of Fame.

Britney bombs at the VMA's and her children go to K-Fed. Larry Craig lies about bathroom blowjobs and we put him in the Hall of Fame?!?!/ WTF?!?!?

Then again, maybe this makes perfect sense.

Maybe - - just maybe - - this little Hall of Fame Award is the first in a series of conservative pats-on-the-back for Mr. Craig's brilliant slight-of-hand trick.

You know, the one where we Americans watch the closeted fag in the bathroom stall and forget about the War in Iraq, the economy, global warming and the slow removal of our inalienable rights.

Americans have so many magic acts to watch - - our congress condemning ads condemning General Petraeus for instance - - that we fail to notice that we, as a country, are getting fucked with no lube, no reach around and not even a kiss on the cheek or some money on the dresser.

On second thought, perhaps Mr. Craig fits right in with these Hall of Fame inductees.

Just check out the pictures of the other "I da' ho'" Hall of Fame Honorees. Go ahead. Take a look at them.

Now, don't those guys look like all the married men you've ever seen trolling (and I do mean "trolling") for a little tearoom trade?

Hell, one of them was in the Navy, one's nickname is "Butch" and one of them looks like Liberace after the estrogen injections kicked in.

We don't need flash cards to figure this out, do we folks?

P.S. Thanks to Donnie at Famous Like Me for informing me about this with his great post on the subject.

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #13

I just returned to Chicago this morning from an incredible weekend celebrating my mother's 60th birthday.

I have a few pics from the surprise party that I will try to post later this week, but I thought I would kick-start ARE YOU THERE, BLOG? back to life from it's weekend nap by announcing the winner of Week #12's Caption Contest.

There were MANY brilliant ones - - several that made mention of the nurse's cap by way of Heimlich Maneuvers and Anal Thermometers - - but the final entry by Shirley Heezgay is funny because I'm pretty sure this is EXACTLY what was being said when this picture was being taken.

Shirley Heezgay's winning caption is...

"Uh, guys? Tim? Tommy? I don't think I want to do-- um, guys, I'm flattered but-- Fuck it. Here, hold my beer."

Tim and Tommy. Ah yes, I remember them WELL!

For Week #13's picture, I thought we'd go back to a picture similar to the very popular one used in Week #2.

This one will be popular, as well... for obvious "easy on the eyes" reasons...

Now, I know it's tempting to just sit and STARE at this twinkie in a mankini, but take a moment to actually give the boy a caption, ok?

Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, October 12th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

Why, oh why, did my high school not have a swim team? Sure, we didn't have a pool, but we shouldn't have let THAT stop us...

Attend the Trailer of Sweeney Todd

A few minutes past midnight - - his timing, perfect as always - - Lance left a comment on my post from yesterday announcing that the trailer for Tim Burton's film version of Stephen Sondheim's masterpiece, SWEENEY TODD, has been released.

Lance and I have been friends for so long because we both freely and boldly express our opinions - - a distinctly un-Southern personality trait. Luckily, we agree on most things. God help the world if we disagreed on everything. I'm sure two gay Southern bitches screaming at each other would make haven't Hasselbeck and O'Donnell look like Donnie and Marie.

So, when Lance says...

"When are they actually going to film one of (Sondheim's) musicals as is and not fuck it up?"

...any sensible musical theatre lover would remember the 2 hours of their life they wasted watching Elizabeth Taylor as Desiree in the movie version of A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC and think to themselves...

"Fool me once, shame on me.

"Fool me twice and I have to sit through Lucille Ball in MAME again.

"THAT AIN'T HAPPENIN'!!"

Even so, the clip is below. I don't know if I'm not crazy about it because I know the material so well, which makes the trailer seem a little absurd...

...like a trailer for ROMEO AND JULIET with that announcer-guy's deep, gargle-with-gravel baritone telling the audience, "Two households, both alike in dignity," in the same way he always says, "In a world..."...

Or if I'm just not crazy about how much of this trailer is spoken. For a "musical," WAY too much of this trailer is spoken for my taste.

You see, SWEENEY TODD is about 99 & 44/100% words and music. There are roughly forty-seven spoken words that make up the libretto and since this trailer clocks in at just under two and half minutes, I'm pretty sure we get all (or most) of Sweeney's libretto in one big Sweeney "Mega Mix."

It doesn't bode well.

But I should stop stacking the deck against something I haven't seen in it's entirety. (Ugh, how Republican of me). Here's the trailer. What do you think?



One last thing: Releasing SWEENEY TODD on Christmas Day is either bizarre or brilliant.

The producers consciously chose to open this film musical about revenge, murder, throat-slashing barbers and human flesh-filled meat pies on a day that most of the people in this country devote to "peace on earth and goodwill toward men."

I know SWEENEY is simply following the "Open on Christmas Day" path of DREAMGIRLS, but still - - Santa Claus meets Mrs. Lovett? Or worse...

I can just hear the producers talking now...

"If we open on 12/25, what do we open against that week?

"Whose birthday? Jesus? THE Jesus? !? Damn!

"We can't open against Him. Unless...

"Do you think people even REMEMBER that December 25th is the Son of God's birthday?

What's Jesus' Q Score these days?"

The New NEW YORKER

Today is insanely busy for me, but I had to take a moment to share one of my new favorite things - - the cover of this week's NEW YORKER.

Illustration by Barry Blitt.

Inspiration by Larry Craig.

This is brilliant work. Truly brilliant!

By commenting on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's recent visit to New York and Larry Craig's recent visit to what is apparently THE tea room in Minneapolis, this illustration shines a light on, for lack of a better phrase, "Gay Unpersons"...

...the thousands of gays murdered out of existence by the Iranian government...

...and all the "Larry Craig's" among us who truly believe that wanting to have sex with another man doesn't mean that they are gay...

...as if gay men aren't sexual - - they simply placed higher in congeniality, beauty, poise, talent, swim and evening wear.

(The cocksucking and cornholing is optional, right Larry? Cause EVERYBODY does that!).

This NEW YORKER cover illustration is a brilliant piece of work, but let's be honest...

Would any of us do the "Men's Room Mambo" with someone who considers socks and sandals "What To Wear When You're On The Prowl For Mr. Right Now?"

If I saw one of those socked sandals coming towards me under the partition, sex would be the last thing on my mind.

I would be sitting there trying to figure out why the Indigo Girls were performing in the next stall.

Happy 60th Mama!

Today is my mother Wanda's 60th birthday.

I talked to her this morning at 5:00 a.m. - - 6:00 a.m. her time. That's when she gets up to go to work.

I told her I loved her and sang a quick "Happy Birthday" to her.

This picture is the first picture ever taken of my mother and me.

It was taken the day I was born and was on the front page of the Knoxville News Sentinel the day after I was born.

You see, my mother gave birth to me on the same day that her sister gave birth to my cousin.

In the same hospital. By the same doctor and nurses.

The article was entitled "Sisters Harmonize on Births."

It was a relatively small town at the time and and we were big news.

On Saturday, I'm flying back home. I get to spend some time with my father and then he is driving me to my mother's house.

My mother thinks that I am the only one who is going to be celebrating her birthday, but my brother is driving up from Atlanta Saturday to surprise her and join us for dinner.

Then Sunday, my brother and I have planned a huge surprise party at my aunt's house for my mom. Her family, friends and co-workers are all meeting at my aunt's house to celebrate Mama's 60th and to let her know how much she is loved.

And she is loved. Deeply. Especially by me.

P.S. Don't worry about my mother finding this blog entry and having it ruin her surprise. The closest thing Mama has to a computer at her place is my old Atari 2600!!

TMI Tuesday

How about a quick TMI Tuesday before I rush to rehearsal? Alrighty...

1. Early bird or night owl?

Well, I've never heard of this "Early Bird" superhero you're talking about, but I can't imagine anybody taking the place of my beloved Nite Owl from THE WATCHMEN.

Especially when he's going to be played by the uber-hot Patrick Wilson.

Wait - - I think I have a hotter picture of Mr. Wilson somewhere...

Ah, yes. Even though he is shirt-ed in this picture, this will do. This will do nicely...


03.06.09 can't come fast enough.



2. If you could only be one, would you rather be smart or good looking?

Once again, I will allow the lyrics of a showtune to answer for me.

"Different is nice, but it sure isn't pretty. Pretty is what it's about
I never met anyone who was different who couldn't figure that out"

Geez. Quoting from A CHORUS LINE's "At The Ballet." How faggy can you get?


3. Do you gossip?

Oh! Oh! Can I quote another song for my answer? Can I?!?

Good. This one is slightly less faggy. It's from HEE HAW.

"Now, we're not ones to go around spreadin' rumors

Why, really, we just not the gossiping kind.

No, you'll never hear one of us repeating gossip.

So you better be sure and listen close the first time."

That is SLIGHTLY less faggy, right?


4. On a scale of 1-10, how adventurous are you? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest)

I'd give myself an 8.

I would say "12 and a half", but since that's the size of my penis, you wouldn't believe me if it was ALSO my "Adventure Number."


5. On a scale of 1-10, how good a kisser do you think you are? ( ditto )


See Question #4.

And add 2.



Bonus (as in optional):What do you consider the biggest turn on out of the following? a) lingerie b) movies c) toys d) role playing e) leather f) none of this does anything for me.

That's a toughie.

I'm pretty big on toys. As I've said before, I don't have a "toy box," I have a "toy closet."

A "toy walk-in closet." Get the picture?

And I do love me some leather. As certain pictures on certain photographer's web sites prove to be the case.

And role playing - - well, let's just say that when you've trained to be an actor and you've been in classes doing long-form improv for years, role playing becomes something you're known for. Internationally.

So, I'm going with C, D & E as my biggest turn-on's. And movies, too.

And Hell, bring on the lingerie. Whatever gets your flutter to putter is fine by me!

My Favorite Caption Contest Week #12

I just got in from seeing ACROSS THE UNIVERSE with the gang and though some parts worked better than others, I really, really enjoyed it.

Actually, no, I really loved it.

Joe Cocker, y'all.

Joe fuckin' Cocker.

Singing COME TOGETHER in this movie.

He's kinda brilliant.

I'm just sayin'...

But on to the topic at hand: this week's Caption Contest Winner.

This week goes to my new buddy Polt of Polt's Place, naturally.


By the by, if you're not checking out Polt's blog every Monday with his oh-so-fun MONDAY'S HOT SHIRTLESS GUYS PHOTOS, you are truly missing out. But I digress...

Here is Polt's caption of Week #11...

"Captain America after his "makeover" by Carson Kressley.
And he even remembered to Zhoozh the sleeves!"

Any man who combines Captain America with Carson Kressley is an instant friend of mine. Plus, Polt knows how to spell "zhoozh," which makes me just moist as a snack cake... down there...

And now, taking a page from last week's caption contest by my good friend Shirley Heezgay - - his picture last week had three boys with "fronts touching backs" in a very similar situation - - I give you the picture for Week #12's My Favorite Caption Contest.

So much going on in this picture. So much.

Give the boys a caption, y'all. Deadline for possible captions is this Friday, October 5th at 5:00 p.m. (CST).

P.S. I love how the boy in the middle may be giving AND receiving but he can still keep ahold of his beer. Atta girl...

The New Iron Man Theme Song

Blockade Boy's blog is becoming one of my new addictions.

In one of his posts today, he features a panel from INVINCIBLE IRON MAN and he deconstructs the art and the text BRILLIANTLY. The title of the post is IRON MAN: THE MUSICAL.

So, you know I loved it.

Then, I noticed a comment from Dave who has a blog entitled VANITY PRESS BESTSELLER.

Dave's comment in the IRON MAN: THE MUSICAL post was simply this...

Iron Man, Iron Man

Can do anything an iron can

Presses shirts, socks and ties

Leaves a burn mark where he lies

Oh yeah

Here comes Iron Man!

I laughed till I peed. Literally peed.

If that parody of the Spider-Man cartoon theme song isn't used for the upcoming Iron Man movie, the producers are fools!!!

Chris Crocker On Maury Povich (Well, on Maury's show anyway...)

Let me start off by saying, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I'm putting this out there. I'm sorry that I'm advancing the celebrity of this horrific, little twinkie-fag. It's like a car wreck on the side of the road; I just can't stop watching it.

But really, I should be thanked for promoting this psychotic moron. Anything I do that runs down the clock on his 15 minutes of self-induced fame should be considered an act of kindness to the world as a whole.

I just stumbled upon this on YouTube and I am amazed by it. Amazed. As in "jaw hanging open / hand covering my mouth / eye wide open" kind of amazed.

The same kind of look I get when I see an extra-large penis.

Or that freak, Chris Crocker, on the Maury Povich show.

And believe me, Ms. Crocker doesn't have an extra-large penis. The leopard-skin, low-rise, "Laura Petrie" pants he's got in this video on leave NOTHING to the imagination.



For the record, Chris Crocker's freaky-assed quote of the week is...

"America, I want you to know that before I'm an American, I'm a Britney fan."

What the fuck does that even MEAN!?!?

Update - 10/1/07 - 7:18 PM - Thanks to David from HELL IN A HANDBAG for proving, once again, that I'm right. Click here (if you dare) for naked pics of Ms. Crocker.

His cock is not extra-large.

"Chris Crocker's Cock." Try saying that three times fast while wearing leopard-skin stretch pants and talking to Maury Povich. It ain't pretty.