"Why Do They Always Look Like Unhappy Rabbits?"

"I'm selfish, impatient,
and a little insecure.

"I make mistakes.

"I am out of control and,
at times, hard to handle.

"But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

- Marylin Monroe

Amen, sister. Amen.

"It's Hard Out Here For a (Bat)..."

Poor Bruce.

After all the lawsuits contesting not one, not two, but three different appearances on "To Catch a Predator," the billionaire playboy / Dark Knight is forced to take a job.

Any job.

He could have at least dressed like the Batman of Zur-en-arrh. For the color, you know.

"Why, Oh Why, Do I Love Paris?"

"She got where she got on her own two knees."

- Debbie Reynolds talking about Paris Hilton.

Atta girl.

To both of them.

"Lay, Lady, Lay..."

Tiger Woods said it.

On a bag of Lays Potato Chips.

"I love my LAYS!"

And his wife had the nerve to be shocked and upset that he was fooling around?!?

What's wrong with her? Doesn't she LIKE potato chips?

Seriously though, what a wenis Tiger Woods is.

P.S. "Wenis" is, I assume, a combination of the words "wuss" and "penis." I stole it from "The Venture Bros." It's one of The Monarch's favorite terms, and therefore, one of mine.

"I Used To Be With Stupid"

Oh, my... Oh, my, my, my...

The first person to un-ironically use the word "InternetS"...

The man who referred to himself as "The Decider Guy"...

The man who, even though his brother's name is Jeb, is the stupidest man in an illogically stupid family...

Former President George W. Bush thinks he can conjugate and has written a book.

A) I've officially found the first Christmas gift for both my father and my step-mother. They'll love it. Oy...

B) I may have just found a book that will make me laugh harder than Carrie Fisher's "Wishful Drinking." Sure, it will be laughter through tears with "Decision Points," but still...

P.S. The title of this post comes from a t-shirt that my brother once saw. The perfect break-up t-shirt, I think. And, if I had attended President Obama's inauguration, that is the t-shirt that I would have worn.

"Now, My Life Is Rosie, Since I Found My Rosie..."

She's back! Miss Lola Rose has a new video on YouTube!

It's been awhile since the gorgeous Miss Lola (filmed by her wildly talented and equally beautiful daughter Jill Abrams) gave us something new to see, but like all great things, this video is WELL worth the wait!

I was so excited when I saw Miss Lola's face in my YouTube subscriptions window that I let out the Gay Gasp. No, not "a" gay gasp, "THE" Gay Gasp! It was LOUD, heads turned, faux-hawks flattened, and more than one queen in Schaumburg thought that I had not only seen Liza, but she had fallen on me, pinned me down and forced me to become her third (or is it fifth?) gay husband.

But they were wrong. It wasn't Liza, it's the OTHER woman I aspire to be and/or take as my bride - - the woman who, in one of her videos, described Ann Coulter as "a nasty twat!," which is so wildly funny because it's so absolutely true - - Miss Lola Rose!

TMI Tuesday

Something I haven't done in a long, long time. TMI Tuesday!


1. Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a "best" commando story?

Going commando is sexy. And sometimes disgusting. Which is just fine, because sometimes, disgusting is exactly the kind of sexy that I crave.

I've never been one of those queens who only goes to the cleanest of bathhouses. I prefer a little sleaze with my sleaze. Just because it looks hot on "Grey's Anatomy" doesn't mean that fucking in a place as sterile as a hospital is fun. At all.

And no, I don't have a "best" commando story. Because today's not over yet.

2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?

Certain Southerners of a certain age will remember summers when homemade ice cream had to be churned manually. Over and over. For a very long time. Working that crank up and down and around. In the middle of all that heat. Sweat pouring all down your face. Muscles aching as you grunted to keep everything moving around and around for what seemed like an eternity.

All because, when you opened up what was inside, it was absolute heaven.

That's my answer. Now, start churning!

3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is you are giving? Equally ewwwww?

Good if you're giving and GREAT if you're getting.

I think we all prefer 68 to 69, don't we?

You know what 68 is. To quote George Carlin...

"68 is 'You do me and I'll owe ya!'"

4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough or does the first one just get your motor running?

I'm 40. If you want more than one a night, I need to go somewhere and reload.

I'm like Barney with his one bullet. I can hold on to it for a long, long, long time.

5. Morning sex: "Oh hell yes!", "Well if I have, too." or "Just get in the shower and go to work."

Morning sex is awesome.

Sometimes, it's hard for your partner to realize that your hardon is morning wood that sprung up from a monstrous need to pee, and jumping up and sitting on top of it is shoving your bladder up into windpipe, but for love, I can handle anything.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner's last name?

Ummm... What part of "Cocksucking Rimjob Homo" didn't you understand?

I don't need to know their last name. Or their first name. Just their inseam.

"I Need Some Marijuana"

It's 4/20.

And you know what that means, right?

Yes, that. But what you may not know (and you better learn pretty damn fast) is...

Bea Arthur NEEDS some marijuana.

She's GOT to have some marijuana.

Don't dismiss her.

She smokes as much grass as you do.

"Oh, My Stars and Garters"

Here's Kelsey Grammer in a video promoting The Right Network, a new Comcast network that is all Right Wing, all day and all night. (Watch your back, Fox News - - The Right Network is about to eat your lunch.)

Right Network's tag line is, "All that's right with the world."

(Oh, the picture to the right is Mr. Grammer as Beast from "X-Men 3." It has nothing to do with this video. It just makes me laugh.)




Currently, Mr. Grammer is starring in a revival of La Cage Aux Folles on Broadway. (I know, right? ANOTHER one? Doesn't anyone want to revive Dear World, for God's sake?)

I wonder what his Right Wing fan base thinks of Mr. Grammer starring in a musical so gay that Rip Taylor's review simply said, "Now, THAT's faggy!"

More to the point, I wonder what all those boys dressed as girls in the show, the Cagelles, think about Mr. Grammer being the spokesperson for Fox 2.0.

I'd stay firmly in my dance belt if I were you, Mr. Grammer. Those queens might get angry and they would just hold you down and do your hair, but since there ain't much hair there, they'll be searching for it in other areas.

"Because I Just Went GAY All of a Sudden!"

Sure, Robin coming out of the closet would be about as shocking as... Oh, I don't know... Ricky Martin coming out of the closet, but...

Really, Bats? You're not even a little bit surprised?!?

You took in a young orphan named Dick, made him your ward, and forced him to prowl city alleys late at night dressed in green elf booties, a red lace-up tunic, and a yellow half-cape. With NO PANTS!!!

And before he could even put on his "costume," you instructed him to open the secret passageway and "slide down the pole."

You don't think that might possibly have had SOME effect on his sexual identity?!?

I wouldn't be so snarky when I spoke to the press about someone coming out of the closet if I were you, Bruce.

You're a very wealthy man who has never been married, yet you and your "faithful butler" have "taken in" not one, not two, but THREE young boys.

Add that to your "Rainbow Batman" costume, and you saying that you're not "even a little surprised" that Robin is gay sounds like the pot calling the kettle Crazy Quilt.

"My Body's Too Bootylicious!"

Watching the video below gave me a unique flashback.

I mean no disrespect to this madly skilled, one-man Destiny's Child, but watching him dance to this particular song, I was reminded of an actress I worked with in a production of "Vampire Lesbians of Sodom," the uber-talented, utterly gorgeous and wickedly funny Ms. Kate Martin.

Kate was playing Madeleine Astarte, and her costume for the first act was basically a bikini by way of Honey Rider. Kate looked amazing in it, but she didn't feel attractive.

Kate is on the far left in the picture above, so you now realize that Kate is ALWAYS attractive. Stunningly beautiful is a better description, actually.

Still, she didn't feel good while wearing that bikini, but instead of moping or whining about something that she couldn't change, Kate empowered herself. Every night, just before she walked on for the first act, she would stand in front of a mirror in the dressing room, jiggle her body and sing at the top of her lungs...

"I don't think you're ready for this BELLY!

I don't think you're ready for THIS belly!"

Watching this boy brought that all back. So brilliant. So damn talented.\

Kate, I mean. And this kid, too. I guess.

"Wil Wheaton Currently Ranks Sixth On My All-Time Enemies List"

I can't think of anything more disturbingly appropriate for today's Super Tuesday post than these images and this short clip from last night's episode of "The Big Bang Theory."

It's obvious that the guys lost a bet. No self respecting fanboy would CHOOSE to wear Halle Berry's Catwoman costume over Julie Newmar's or Michelle Pfeiffer's.

Hell, I'd wear Leslie Gore's Pussycat costume before I'd get into Halle's pussy, or cat, or costume. Oy...

And as much as I love Jim Parsons as Sheldon, his Wonder Woman is nothing compared to Lynda Carter's. But, I imagine he can spin into his costume with more grace and style than Debra Winger did, though.

And compared to Cathy Lee Crosby's Wonder Woman, I'll take Mr. Parsons as Sheldon as Princess Diana ANY DAY!!!

And I do mean, "take." That boy's cute!

"What Are You Doing Here, And Why Are You Talking Like That?"

What kind of world do we live in where Dixie Carter is taken from us and we're left with Janice Dickinson?

Check out the video below. If you dare.

You know me, I'm all about the handball, but somehow, when Janice starts talking about it, I feel like I'm being forced to felch Anthrax out of Dick Cheney's ass. Probably because she compares it to "animals mating in the zoo."

Which, I'm sure, is a compliment compared to what many middle Americans would say about fisting. But when she follows it by saying that, "gay men actually did make me who I am today," I kind of want to punch her in her "pulled-so-tight-she-has-to-bend-her-knees-to-eat" face. Are we zoo animals? Or are we your own, personal savior-stylists? Pick one, Janice.

I'm probably making too much out of this four minute, Oxycontin diatribe of hers, but when it comes to giving gay men credit for who she is and what she has become, I would rather that my peoples' contributions to "La Janice" be listed as "anonymous."

Or say the Mormons did it. Yeah, Janice. Give credit to the Mormons. You're so batshit crazy, it would make sense and no one would question it for a second.

So, if you have on your safety goggles, check out Janice's OUT video. Oy...

"The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia"

I watched this when it first aired in 1987 - - deep in the closet, scared of AIDS & death before I had even had sex.

This scene gave me a little hope that people might not hate me for who I was.

And that friends & loved ones would stand with me against the hate & homophobia.

Rest in peace, Ms. Carter.

"When You're an Addams"

"The Addams Family" opens tonight on Broadway.

From what I've read, there have been more than a few changes made since I saw the show here in Chicago.

For instance, the opening number here was named "Clandango." It was all about Wednesday coming of age and becoming a woman. It set up the plot of the show, but the new opening number, "When You're an Addams," presents all of the family members to us as we know and love them from the TV series and subsequent movies.

Maybe, as was the case with "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum," all the show needed was the right opening number to establish the mood and welcome the audience into the piece. Maybe.

We'll see. Not by the reviews, necessarily, but by the box office. Say what you will about the Chicago run of "The Addams Family," it was sold out for almost every performance and left town with a considerable profit. And we're a theatre town. That ain't easy to do here.

"Let It Please Be Him! Oh, Dear God! It Must Be Him!"

Guess who I talked to today? You'll never guess!

Okay, with the pics that I posted here, you probably WILL guess "Robin." Quickly and easily. But! Do you know WHICH Robin? Ha! Got you! Well...

1) It's not some Dick from the circus...

2) He never tried to kick Bruce Lee's ass while wearing Underoos, a pair of green, elf booties and a bright yellow, collared (WTF?!?), "Toddlers & Tiaras"-sized, satin cape...

3) And he never entered into a scene consisting of a clown, a crowbar, and a couple of 900 numbers before he KNEW THE SAFE WORD, damn it!!!

So, if I didn't speak to Dick Grayson, Burt Ward or Jason Todd today, who DID I speak to? That's right, fanboys! Today, I spoke on the phone with Tim Drake!

Well, alright. It wasn't THE Tim Drake, but it was "a" Tim Drake. It was a business call and when I heard the name, it took every last nerve I had to restrain myself from screaming, "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!?"

Luckily for me, I was able to sneak in the topic of his name and its comic book significance at the very end of the call. Mr. Drake (TIM Drake!) told me that he had no idea he was a member of the Batman Family until a friend of his encouraged him to Google himself. He did, and there he was...

The third Robin, the Boy Wonder!

And if I find out that the real life Tim Drake looks even slightly similar to the comic book Tim Drake from this bottom panel, well...

Insert your own Bat-Pole / Bat-Cave joke here. (Funny... "Insert"...)

"But If, Baby, I'm the Bottom, You're the Top!"

I'll say it again - - If you're not watching "The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson," you're missing one of the most inventive, hilarious and uber-entertaining television shows (...dare I say it?... I do!...) ever!

And I'm not just talking about the hottie in the harness in the video below.

I'm talking about little gems from the guests. Like this quote from Robin Williams a few nights ago...

"I was once on a German talk show and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there's not so much comedy in Germany?'

"And I said, 'Did you ever think you tried to kill all the funny people?'"

Funny. Funny because it's true.

And on that note, Harness Boy... hit it!

"I Don't Know How I Get to Where I Don't Know Where I'm At"

My father has a saying: "It ain't braggin' if you done it!" So, since I'm at least partially responsible for what's been done, forgive me for tooting my own horn. So to speak.

The opening night of "Hello Again" went extremely well. So much so that the production has been Jeff Recommended.

What the frack is a Jeff Recommendation? Basically, a Jeff is the Chicago equivalent of the Tony Award. Only, this recommendation doesn't mean that the show or anything in it has been nominated for a Jeff... Necessarily. It just means that Jeff judges are now free to give us a nomination. Or not. Simply put, the recommendation allows for the possibility of a Jeff nomination. And a Jeff Nomination allows for the possibility of a Jeff Award.

And if we're lucky, Sandra Bullock won't perform anywhere near Chicago for the rest of this season, so those possibilities might bring us real, honest to goodness Jeff Awards.

Note to Sandra Bullock: Don't even THINK about coming into town on a bus and truck tour to play Jessie in "'night, Mother!: The Musical!"... I'll cut a bitch...

Check out what NewCity critic Lisa Buscani wrote...

____

"I’m not a big musical fan; musicals require a falseness that makes my teeth ache. Boho’s 'Hello Again' revives my love of the genre. Michael John LaChiusa’s song cycle about love and sex across the ages has a heartfelt sweetness that doesn’t leave a bad aftertaste.

"The piece begins with a 'prostitute' soliciting a soldier; the soldier then solicits a nurse, the nurse seduces a college boy, the collegian seduces a lonely housewife, you get the picture. The decades change but the song (and the need) remains the same. No ensemble members stand out because they are all excellent; each performer exhibits the necessary vocal chops and captures the humor and bittersweet yearning the roles require.

"Co-directors Michael Ryzcek (sic) and Stephen Nader (sic) give equal time and attention to the music and the intention behind it, and it shows. The sex is steamy, the passion palpable. Nice job, folks."

____

Sure, she misspelled my name and Michael's name, but with a review like that, she can call me Mr. Nader! Hell, make it Ralph! I'm easy.

P.S. Yes, the top picture is one of our production pics. That's Adam and Ben, the Young Thing and the Writer, respectively. Since they both strip down to their underwear for their sex scene, I have told Boho that they should charge extra for front row seating. Right?

That said, lube will not be sold at the box office, nor will it be permitted inside the theatre. That would be ridiculous. We can't have that kind of mess, not to mention all that noise, on the front row during a performance. We're artists here, people!... Geez...

"The Rabbit of Easter. He Bring of the Chocolate"

In honor of Easter, I give you another one of my favorite David Sedaris stories.

If you've never heard it before, give it a listen. Trust me. It's "Six to Eight Black Men" funny.

I give you Mr. Sedaris' "Jesus Shaves."

"Hello Again"

I'll admit, I'm in a bad mood.

No, not a bad mood. A depressed mood. I'm very, very down.

I've been crying on and off since late last night. For many reasons. And I'm extremely tired. "Hello Again" opens tomorrow and the long days leading right into long, late nights of rehearsals have taken their toll. Add last week's injury to the mix and I'm an emotional basket case.

So, I'm not really in a bad mood, I'm just in a MOOD.

Which is why I think that the video below is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a long, long time.

Why the fuck does EVERY piece of art need to be gayed up for gay men to feel acceptance? For fuck's sake, isn't "Grease" gay enough without a bunch of middle aged, showtune queens playing Pink Ladies? It's stupid and doesn't serve the material at all.

Want an all male "Grease"? Then, write your own fucking musical. Leave this one alone.

I told you. I'm in a mood.