"Knock Three Times On The Ceiling If You Want Me"

Glory hallelujah!

The obnoxiously noisy woman who has lived in the apartment above me for the past couple of years moved out today.

I will no longer have to listen to her stereo play the four - - count 'em (I did), FOUR!! - - songs that she had in her iTunes constantly, all day and all night.

Have you ever been forced to listen to "I Would Walk 500 Miles" by The Proclaimers on a never ending loop throughout an entire weekend? It's replacing water boarding at Guantanamo Bay. It's the Meadowlark of pop music. Horrific.

Also nearly once a week, her cats - - notice that's plural - - would knock over something that sounded like a large billiard ball onto her hardwood floor, and then they would roll the ball back and forth around her apartment. For HOURS! Maddening.

Of course, she spent her last day above me doing what she does best - - annoying me by waking up at 6 a.m. so that she could start VACUUMING her HARDWOOD FLOOR!

But as of five minutes ago, she's gone. And hopefully, an attractive gay man will move in above me. And then move in... above... me...

Remember the good old days when gay neighborhoods like Boystown actually had gay people living in them? When the boy down the hall was available for a cup of sugar or a 3 a.m. quickie and all you had to say to score either one was, "Hey, can you help me out?" Ah...

My New Favorite Caption Contest #32

You know you have a winning caption when Philip...

...A multiple Caption Contest winner and the man who once referred to me on stage as "Sister Mary Propecia" and lived to tell the tale...

...doesn't even attempt to come up with a funnier caption because...

Well basically Steve, you had Philip at "docking pun."

So, the #32 Caption Contest Winner is my buddy Steve. Steve donated his time and talent at Karen Bronson's Season of Concern cabaret benefit a week or so ago and slayed the audience when he sang about Dolores del Rio.

Funny and generous - - I love that in a man. Here's Steve's winning caption...

"Ready for docking, Captain . . . "

I love it! Maybe Zachary Quinto will say that to Chris Pine in the new Star Trek movie. Or maybe I'll say that to Chris Pine in person sometime soon. Anything's possible...

In the meantime, nothing really says "Labor Day" like a couple of guys in Speedos. Right?

Okay, what is the guy on the right staring at? No, really... what, if anything, IS he staring at?!?

Give 'em a caption and help me figure it out. Or help the guy on the left find his package. Just sayin'...

"What's the Story, Morning Glory?"

I just got off the phone with my mother.

I didn't mean to, but I got her fired up about everything from Gov. Palin to Old Navy...

...Apparently, she had to bitch slap someone over the phone when they claimed she hadn't paid her Old Navy bill - - a bill she only has from buying gift cards for me and my brother...

...Whoever this poor rep is, I doubt they were ready for the myriad of four letter words accompanying the verbal slugfest that Mama Wanda gave to them...

...Then, she started in on my stepmother.

Mama wanted to know what my father sees in her and I said what I always say - - "She's got big tits."

Mama then wanted to know what my stepmother sees in him, saying (and this is a word for word quote)...

"He ain't got no dick that he can be proud of. He's got a little, tiny, skinny-assed dick!"

Mama has a lyrical way of cutting through the bullshit.

Oh and by the way, my father and I are not alike. At all. I'm serious.

P.S. No my mother is not Wanda Jackson, but these images are too fabulous not to post.

"What Is It Exactly That The VP Does Every Day?"

"What is it exactly that the VP does every day?"

Yes, it's true. Gov. Sarah Palin actually asked that question. On the air. In front of a live camera. On a program that she new was being recorded.



I imagine Cheney answering her with that Dudley Moore line from Arthur...

"I race cars, I play tennis, I fondle women, but I have weekends off
and I am my own boss."

Cheney would never tell the truth...

"I dismantle the constitution, I destroy the country, I tell Senators to go fuck themselves, but I have weekends off and I shoot my friends in the face."

"Would You Like to Pet My Pussy?

Last week on The Soup, Joel McHale introduced us to the Spaghetti Cat.

You see, on The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet one day, they were interviewing two women about the problem of binge drinking when suddenly and for no reason, they cut to a picture of a cat eating spaghetti. Watch it.

As Joel says, this is "for lack of a better word, art"...



Then this week on The Soup, Joel kept being interrupted by the Spaghetti Cat in person in the studio as he taped the show...

Sure, it isn't as overtly funny as Oprah saying, "My Va-Jay-Jay is painin'," but to me that's comedy gold!

And if you're interested, you can buy the Spaghetti Cat on a t-shirt, a hoodie and as even on a thong at CafePress.

And if you wear this thong, please show it to me and ask me...

"Would you like to pet my pussy?"

...so I can answer...

"Sure, just take off that Spaghetti Cat thong."

"Who? Who? WHO?!?"

Did anyone else feel as if a large parliament of owls had flown into your head when you read that McCain has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate?

Article after article, Google search after Google search did nothing to stop the deafening sound of...

"Who? Who? WHO?!?"

However, all those searches were not in vain. I did find this picture - - her long lost Glamour Shot from the mid-90's.

McCain is becoming more and more like George W. Bush every day - - blatant lies, stupid decisions and absurd choices that we all might laugh at if they didn't endanger our lives, weaken our economy and cripple our country.

And Palin? Well, this is a brief description of her stance on key social issues...

"Palin is pro-life and a prominent member of Feminists for Life. While running for Governor of Alaska, Palin advocated allowing the teaching of creationism in a science classroom along with evolution in public schools. She clarified the next day that she would allow both to be discussed but did not favor making creationism part of the curriculum. She added that she would not appoint State Board of Education members based on their opinions on evolution or creationism.

"Palin has said she has good friends who are gay, opposes same-sex marriage, but complied with an Alaskan state Supreme Court order and signed an implementation of same-sex benefits into law, stating that legal options to avoid doing so had run out. She supported a non-binding referendum for a constitutional amendment to deny benefits to homosexual couples."

In this "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" world that we live in, some homo out there has got to know some homo who knows some homo who is one of Gov. Palin's "good friends who are gay."

Let's find those homosexual friends of hers and tell them to explain to Gov. Palin that you're not my "good friend" when you actively work to take away my rights.

Someone who says that they love me while they willfully hurt me is not my friend. That should be easy to understand, even for someone as "young and inexperienced" as she is.

When that's settled, please ask her why she chose to wear THAT to an appearance in a high school gym. I'm at a loss...

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

No sweetie, I'm sorry. That's not very "gangsta."

It's very Issac from The Love Boat, but gangsta? Not so much...

****

SAGGERS

Dueling gun shows, dueling banjos...

Tomato, toMAHto...

****

MOONERS

"This bathroom is a veritable smorgasbord, orgasbord, orgasbord..."

****

DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

The construction of this "Budweiser Couture" may be crude,
but it's still better than the crap we've seen this season on Project Runway.

And you know what Keith? He can SIT DOWN IN IT!

"Explode with Joy"

I think it's rather obvious why I clicked on an ad and went to this site for Old Spice Double Impact.

All my wildest dreams come true.

The ads are kind of funny and it's strangely hot to see Mr. Tall, Dark and Ab-tastic there have the bottom half of his body turned into a snail, a chesse stick, a cannon...

No joke. A cannon. Go there. Click on it. I dare you.

There's something about his bottom half being a cannon that really... does it... for me...

I think I may have discovered an entirely new genre of gay porn.

Is that a good thing?

"Atomic Batteries to Power! Turbines to Speed!"

Rob over at Seduced by the New... sent me this picture last night asking me...

"Hey! Are those Robin's trunks?"

All I have to say is...

Yes, I think these are Robin's trunks.

So, if this gentleman would be so kind as to take... them... off...

Or I can do a thorough inspection of them while he stays in them.

Either way, I win.

Thanks for feeding my Robin the Boy Wonder fetish. No, not Boy Wonder, not Teen Wonder...

Robin the Well-Packaged Wonder. There's a Bat-Pole joke in there somewhere...

"The Ultimate Rite of Love"

I've not been much of an advocate for Gay Marriage. I believe that the word "marriage" is too closely associated with religion for the majority of Americans to approve of, much less endorse and vote that acceptance into law. Civil Unions? Yes. Gay Marriage? Not now. Not yet.

But even if Gay Marriage in California is overturned, even if the entire country decides that marriage should only be between a man and a woman, even if the Constitution is changed to ensure that homosexuals can never legally be married to one another - - for two months, these two women who loved each other for over 50 years of their lives were able to legally say that they were married.

To me, they've always been married and they always will be married. Always. No matter what.

"Del Martin (on the right in the picture above), a pioneering lesbian rights activist who with her lifelong partner became a symbol for the movement to legalize gay marriage, died Wednesday morning. She was 87.

"Her partner of more than 55 years and wife of just over two months, Phyllis Lyon, was with her.

"'Ever since I met Del 55 years ago, I could never imagine a day would come when she wouldn't be by my side,' Lyon, 83, said in a statement Wednesday.

"'I also never imagined there would be a day that we would actually be able to get married,' she added. 'I am devastated, but I take some solace in knowing we were able to enjoy the ultimate rite of love and commitment before she passed.'

"Martin and Lyon exchanged vows at San Francisco City Hall on June 16, the first day same-sex couples could legally wed in California, after being together for more than half a century."

"Hmmm... Geo-Force..."

I just got back from buying this week's stash of comic books - - taking care of my fix - - and because I'm trying to be more frugal with my weekly comic book purchases...

...I'm trying to buy less than 8 new books a week, which doesn't sound like much until you realize that the base price for a comic book these days is $2.99...

...I had to choose between two Final Crisis tie-ins.

The first was Superman Beyond 3-D and the second was DC Universe: Last Will and Testament.

And as much as I loved the 3-D issue of Action Comics a few months back, I saw Terra on the cover of Last Will and I had to have it.

Terra, for those non-fanboys out there, was the 80's bad girl masquerading as a good girl who joined The Teen Titans and subsequently tried to destroy them because she had been working for Deathstroke the ENTIRE time.

Terra has a brother with similar earth powers named Geo-Force who is a member of The Outsiders and a supreme bore.

And even though Geo-Force is with Terra in Last Will, I went with it because of Terra (such a slut, I love her) and left Supes on the shelf.

As I placed my stack on the counter, the relatively new employee at Graham Cracker Comics - - young, thin, very cute... gay?... (fingers crossed) - - said...

"Did you get the Superman tie-in?"

I told him no and he said...

"Aww... why not? It's 3-D."

I said that I had to go with Last Will and he replied..

"Hmmm... Geo-Force...
No way I'm buying that."

So much for impressing the possibly gay and definitely cute boy behind the comic book counter.

Who has two thumbs and can't even get laid in a comic book shop? This guy!

"You Must Be My Lucky Star"

Karen just inspired this little Material Girl take off of The Addams Family theme song...

"She's creepy and she's kooky.
Her thighs are large and spooky.
Here arms are really ooky.
Madonna at 50!"

And to those Madge fans whom I might have offended, please note that I am merely promoting the final performance of my friend Missy Young's incredible new cabaret show, Lucky Star - Madonna at 50: A Birthday Tribute tomorrow night at Davenport's.

And I'm making fun of Ms. Hard Candy in the process.

Look at those thighs! Who is she trying to be these days? Xenia Onatopp?!?

"Try to Bust Your Opponent's Balls"

This morning on WGN, they played this commercial from America's past.

It's a family game called Ball Buster. I vaguely remember this.

Or I remember my father saying the tagline to my mother. A lot. I'm not sure...

"Where Do You Think You're Going In That?"

Here it is at long last - - a new Kelly video and song!

Well, actually it's Kelly's Mom, the brilliantly funny Pam Cook.

I love me some Liam Sullivan.

And I want this t-shirt.

And I wouldn't mind the boy in this t-shirt either.

Kelly knows how to pick 'em, doesn't she?

"It Does a Body Good"

I just saw this over at Tighty-Whitie Dude and I just have to say...

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A HALF GALLON OF MILK COSTS THESE DAYS?!?

Wasteful, wasteful, wasteful.

Hot. Incredibly hot. And I want to lick up every drop of it...

But wasteful.

(Hello, Basket...)

TMI Tuesday

This week's fairy-themed TMI Tuesday...

You find a fairy. With a wave of their wand they can change anything for you.

I AM a fairy and let me tell you, I don't have the power to change anything for you.

But when I "wave my wand," you will feel FABULOUS!

Now, on to the questions...


What is the one thing you would change about your body?

I would like to have hair. That stayed in my head.

It can turn grey, I just don't want it to turn loose.


What is the one personality trait you would change?

Maybe my moodiness, but even then again, probably not. I don't want to change things that make me "me."

I like my personality just the way it is, thank you very much.


What is the one thing about your job you would change?

I would like for there to be no need for me to have my current job because an AIDS cure would be found, no one else would have to die from this horrible virus anymore and organizations like Season of Concern would hopefully cease to exist.

Being put out of business because of a cure would be Heaven.


What is the one thing about your home you would change?

That it would be clean. Cleaned automatically. Or by someone other than me. Because I sure as Hell ain't gonna do it.


What is the one thing about your Significant Other you would change?

If you're talking about the Boy from Florida, there isn't a thing I would want to change about him. He always seems to know exactly what to say to me. He treats me like a Prince.

He's nice and sweet and kind and sexy and cute and funny. Why one earth would I want to change anything about that?


Who is the one person you would poof out of your life and why?

I would like to poof my ex, The Skank, out of existence. Forever. Because he is the worst thing that ever happened to me and deserves nothing but the absolute worst in all things. Forever.


Who is the one person you would poof back in and why?

I would say one of my grandparents, but I doubt that one of them would want to live without the other, so I'll say my mentor, Lemmie.

The man who taught me all I ever needed to know about acting...

"Focus is like loose change - - if it's laying around, pick it up!"

"If everyone on stage with you is moving around, stand still. If everyone on stage with you is standing still, move around a little."

"Get your hands out of your pockets and sing the fucking song, Rader!"

Lemmie would love the 21st Century. Cruising online would be absolute heaven for him. And YouTube would keep him indoors for YEARS at a time.

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have become an actor or a singer. He changed my life for the better.

P.S. And if that last line makes you start singing that damn song from Wicked, I'm sorry. That song just SUCKS!

Listen to Stephen Schwartz talk about the musical being set in Oz and therefore the music has to have a sense of "another place," as if ANY song from that horrific show couldn't be lifted and dumped into Pippin or The Magic Show or any of his bullshit numbers from Working and fit perfectly.

He sucks donkey cock.

(Sorry for the raging ramble...)

"But Scarlett, Honey..."

The opening lines of Gone with the Wind...

Brent Tarleton: "What do we care if we were expelled from college, Scarlett? The war is going to start any day now, so we’d have left college anyhow."

Scarlett O'Hara: "Fiddle-dee-dee. War, war, war. This war talk’s spoiling all the fun at every party this spring. I get so bored I could scream."

Vivien Leigh's first "fiddle-dee-dee." And it's given in response to actor Fred Crane's line.

Mr. Crane died this past Thursday of complications from diabetes.

He was the last male actor left with a credited role in the film. But he and his fellow Tarleton Twin George "Superman" Reeves will live forever. On the steps of Tara.




P.S. I don't know about what things are like where you live, but in the South, we're required to watch Gone with the Wind at LEAST once a month.

I try to watch it once a week.

Just to bring out my inner-Scarlett.

As Tina Fey said about Hilary Clinton...

"Yeah, she is a bitch.
Bitches get stuff done!"

"It's Not You. It's Me"

My weekly Threadless email came last night - - if you don't know, these are the funkiest and funniest t-shirts around - - and they are having a big sale right now. Three designs stood out as "must haves" this time.

This one as a tribute to my relationship with my ex (a.k.a. Skanky Bob)...














This one to go with my iPod, since I just got around to actually buying one this year and it almost lead to my death...














And this one to wear to the gym.

If I ever get my ass back to the gym, that is.

Screw it. I would wear this one anywhere. I love it!

Super Tuesday

If this isn't a real-life Jefferson Pierce - - a.k.a. Black Lightning - - then I don't know who is!

I love Black Lightning's new look.

So much better than the wide white collared shirt that was unbuttoned all the way to his navel.

That look was as always a little too Tony Manero for me.

But this look is HOT!

"Makes Me Want a Hot Dog Real Bad!"

I just saw this speedo over at i Candy.

This design kinda just says it all, doesn't it?

It could only be improved if it had the words...

"Nuff said"

...across the backside.

And if the hot dog was perpendicular instead of horizontal.

Perpen-dic-ular. Get it?

I'll just stop now...

"More Than Meets The Eye"

Call me a freak...

Call me a sicko...

Call me a total pervert...

But when I see these pictures of Shia LaBeouf in full burn / damage makeup on the set of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I really wanna do him.










Then again, I really wanna do Shia LaBeouf every time I see him.

Especially when he's eating a banana.

I don't think I'm alone in this, am I?

"I Can Cook, Too"

Check out this brownie pan.

This ensures that each and every brownie you bake will have those yummy, crispy edges.

It's from a company named Baker's Edge.

I love their slogan - - "The First and Only Pan for Edge Lovers." Makes me giggle. It's kinda dirty.

I don't know about you, but I am a big Edge Lover.

Both the brownie kind and the... ummm... other kind.

"Who Makes the Fog Surrounding the Golden Gate Simply Disappear? Phyllis!"

In addition to her other jokes at the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget, Cloris Leachman said that Mary Tyler Moore is a...

"Total slut. She taught me everything I know. "Here's something you don't know about Mary - when she had an orgasm, she threw her hat in the air."

She went on to say...

"None of this dirty joke stuff is shocking to me. During the Golden Era of comedy, I broke my ankle when I tripped over Milton Berle's cock."

And she ended by saying...

"I was classically trained in live theatre. I improvised.

"No script. No director. Just me and the donkey.

"Five sold out shows a night for six years
till the donkey died of exhaustion.

"Then, I was finally ready for Hollywood.

"What have you nothings done?
'My YouTube video has 400 hits.'?!?

"Fuck a donkey, then talk to me!"

"In My Tennessee Mountain Home"

I've found another blog and blogger that I love - - Joie Mayfield's blog So Much To Deal With.

This man likes comic books, Dolly Parton and he lives in East Tennessee. I am an instant fan!

And speaking of Ms. Parton, one of Joie's posts brought these t-shirts to my attention...

"Dolly for President"

These are being sold inside of Dollywood. Fortunately, I have a Season Pass. Want one?

"Fish Gotta Swim, Birds Gotta Fly..."

Tomorrow night - - Monday, August 25th from 6pm to 8pm at Sidetrack - - I am performing in Flip-Flop 2: Flip-Flop Goes to the Movies, a wonderful benefit for the About Face Youth Theatre.

For those of you not in Chicago, About Face Theatre is an incredible gay and lesbian theatre company and their youth program brings together GLBT young people every year to workshop a theatre piece based on their true-life stories. This piece is then toured to high schools throughout the city and the suburbs. It's ground-breaking work and I am proud to be a tiny part of a fundraiser for this company.

And I'm performing with some SERIOUS talent tomorrow night. My buddy Amy Matheny is hosting and scheduled to appear are Amy Armstrong & Freddy Allen, Christine Buanan, Dale Calandra, Kristoffer Cusick, David Edelfelt, Ora Jones, Pat Kane, George Keating, Heidi Kettenring, Elizabeth Laidlaw, Tom Michael, Stanton Nash, Liz Pazik, John Riley, Paul Stovall, Chris Walsh alongside cast members of "Wicked" and "Jersey Boys." (whew...)

Click on the link if you want more info.

I'm singing "Can't Help Lovin' That Man of Mine" - - which is dedicated to a certain Boy in Florida, by the way - - and I'll be leading a sing-along written by a fellow East Tennessean who just happens to own her own theme park.

Oh, and they don't know it yet, but I'll be telling a story about the blow job I saw being given in the main room of Sidetrack one Sunday afternoon when they were playing The Trolly Song.

If I can't smoke in a bar anymore, I might as well tell blow job stories, don't you think?

My New Favorite Caption Contest #32

This week, there were SEVERAL brilliant captions for Contest #31. Among them Bunny from Down the Rabbit Hole gave us...

"It was another one of those
damn Bea Arthur dreams!"

And here I thought that only I had Bea Arthur dreams. Of course, I refer to mine as nightmares, but still...

Then, Jer from You're Being Ridiculous submitted...

"ok, there's gaydar and
then there's GAYDAR"

I used to have that kind of gaydar in middle school. Only it was in reverse. I got wood whenever I saw a straight guy. It caused a lot of problems. I'm just sayin'...

And my buddy Steve from ...not that there's anything wrong with that! wrote...

"Looks like the turkey is ready . . ."

Love it, Steve. And while I am in love with Philip's "Marco---?," I had to go with a new player for the Caption Contest. Kansastock submitted this caption that really made me laugh...

"Not bad... but you know why black only comes in XL, don't you?"

Funny AND bitchy. Now, that's my kind of caption. Thanks, Kanastock!

The picture for this week's contest is in a similar vein... so to speak...

Aren't straight boys silly when they pretend that they're about to grab their buddy's "woody?" Is this Gay Chicken 2.0 or something?

Stop screwing around, put it in your mouth and be done with it, I say. Give 'em a caption, y'all.

"Daddy'll LOVE That"

Looks like Chicago isn't the only city in the U.S. where a homo can get his Little Mermaid on.

The Ubiquitous Hobbit just sent me this pic from San Francisco.

He recently relocated there.

Yes, I'm jealous.

I want to be Mary Ann Singleton.

Actually, I aspire to be Anna Madrigal...

Mary Ann:
"Do you have any objections to a pet?"

Mrs. Madrigal:
"Dear . . . I have no objections to anything."

"Holy Hole in a Donut!"

No, this isn't Burt Ward at ComicCon.

At least, I don't think it is...

This is a picture that I found over at Super Underwear Perverts, and it almost killed my Robin the Boy Wonder Fetish.

Luckily, I had this picture, shall we say, "handy."

P.S. Do you think he can store his chair in his utility belt.

And by "utility belt," I mean "ass."

"The Only Way To Get What You Want Is To Become a Human Yourself"

MK just told me about this and even though Hamlet 2 is now open, this takes precedence...

Sing-Along Little Mermaid

Be part of the music, fun and excitement under the sea and experience the animated classic in a whole new way! Sing along with Disney's Little Mermaid as the words appear on the screen for each song! Come dressed as your favorite character!

August 22 - September 1

* Daily at 5:30 & 7:45

* Wednesday at 10:30am, 3:15, 5:30 and 7:45

* Saturdays, Sundays & Labor Day at
1:00, 3:15, 5:30 and 7:45

I know that Dirk will be going. He's a huge fan of The Little Mermaid.

And I will be going. I'm a huge fan of Ursula, the Sea Witch.

She's grey-haired, overweight to the point of having sentient back fat and her only friends in the world are a couple of eels.

She is what we all are going to become. She's the character we can relate to.

Who else can we relate to in the movie? Ariel?!?" The bitch who has everything and COMPLAINS about it?!? Please...