Gay Rods, Brinker & Meeting Ms. Coon

It was around this time in the year 2000, that I became close friends with the incredible Ms. Alanda Coon.

I was directing a musical, the 6th and final production of HANS BRINKER for Theatre Building Chicago (I acted in the 2nd annual production and managed to kill all future productions with my direction of the 6th annual... not that it was bad direction... my direction was flawless... but they have never produced the show again, so you do the math... )

Alanda played the ingenue Annie (prounounced "Ah-knee" for some fucking reason... people in Holland, what do THEY know?...), and we were running the big race near the end of the play which was all dancing to make it look like everyone was whisking around the stage ice skating.

Yeah...

We had to stop the race and I told the cast to go back to the beginning of the number and we would start again. As the tech-weary actors trudged back-to-one to start the song again, Alanda, commenting on just how musical-theatre-y the dancing and singing in The Race was, said as only Alanda could...

"Rader, we're a bunch of fuckin' gay rods up here!"

I knew then and there that we would be friends.

By the by, when I did a google image search for "gay rods," this picture to the right is what popped up as number 7 in the search...

God, I love me some google!

Because google also brought me these pictures from a live-action Disney movie from God-only-knows-when of HANS BRINKER (or HANS' SPHINCTER as we liked to call it). Now, tell me is this friggin' movie isn't closer to CHILDREN OF THE CORN than a feel-good Christmas movie!!!

Here's the box cover...

Look at Hans.
He's a scarey lookin' motha-fukkah, don'tcha think?!?!?

Fuck! Aren't you just waiting for him to say...
"My name is Malachi"

Look at him talking to Dr. Boekman.
Is he giving him the old Jedi Mind Trick?
"You will go to my father now."

Aw, Hell no! Check out the girl grabbing Hans' chest.
That's GOTTA be Annie!
That bitch looks even crazier than Hans!

Of course, to prove Alanda's point that Hans Brinker is really packed with a bunch of Gay Rods, I offer you this...

Tab Hunter!!! Hello, Queer? This is Cocksucker. You're Gay!

Check out Tab's triple axle, though. Sonya Henie has NOTHING on Miss Hunter.