"Yes, It's Hard to Believe, Almost Frightening to Conceive..."

The Facebook Pic Bandit strikes again!

This time, via my friend Tiffany. She posted this picture from our college production of You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

Tiffany played Lucy. It's frighteningly obvious what role I played.

Why my friend Laura French is dressed like Blossom in this picture is beyond me. But not many women can pull off that hat AND a fanny pack. Well done, Laura. Well done.

P.S. When my mother saw this show, her response to my performance as Charlie Brown (and especially Charlie Brown losing the big baseball game) was...

"You didn't have to act this one, did you?"

A parent who tells you how similar you are to a balding loser with bad fashion sense. Good times!

Fratboy Friday

BOYS IN CAPS

"Who loves ya, baby?"

****

SAGGERS

"Pee on me."

Get it?... Cause he's got a...

I know, I know... Wishful thinking...

****

MOONERS

Nate, you lucky mofo...

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

I haven't had anything to drink, but...

Can I lick your nipple? As a friend.

P.S. We can't see the first letter, but I really hope his cup says,

"Cock in the House!" Just cause...

"No More Questions, Please..."

Yesterday was insanely hectic for no good reason. Anything that could go wrong, did, and anything that could not possibly go wrong, went wrong twice.

My high school English teacher once told me...

"It's not the death of a loved one that 

sends you over the edge;
it's breaking your shoelace."

The little things. The inconsequential things.

So basically, yesterday was full of broken shoelaces. Nothing huge that couldn't be fixed or smoothed over, but lots of little, bothersome things that made me pull my hair out. (Yes, from THERE! Where else do I have hair on my body?!?)

But I replaced all those broken shoelaces and I did it without devolving into Sally Field as Sybil, so I treated myself - - I hit the comic book shop just before it closed for my weekly stash of comics, but most especially, to pick up the last issue of DC's Final Crisis.

You see, yesterday's release of issue 7 of Final Crisis was supposed to answer all the questions that had been raised in the first 6 books. Questions like...

"Was the bitchy, Alpha Lantern intentionally drawn to look like Keira Knightley trick-or-treating as the Jetson's maid Rosie or did my shrooms just kick in?"

...and...

"Why does Mary Marvel look like the love child of Ziggy Stardust and Amy Winehouse?"

...and the most important question...

"What the fuck is going on?!?"

But, in keeping with my Whammy-filled day, instead of answering those questions, Final Crisis #7 forced me to add "No, seriously, I am one lost mofo!!!" to the top of "What the fuck is going on?!?"



I know that Grant Morrison is going for a different feel with this "final" Crisis, but I wish his style could have included the answers to the questions "What happened?," "Who did it?" and "How it was done?" Not to mention the confusion over "Who is alive and who is dead?" (Talking about the final page). This issue raises questions that lead to more questions, page after page of random weirdness. It's as if Lost suddenly moved aboard The Love Boat and Charo sings "Cuchi-Cuchi" for "The Others." WTF?!?

Reading Final Crisis #7, I felt like Groucho reading Fredonia's Treasury Department's report...



Please, somebody get a four-year old child to read this COMIC BOOK and explain to me how someone gets past a pitch meeting when they suggest these characters (don't click on it if you don't want spoilers) will be brought into the fight to take down the 3rd "Ultimate Evil Guy" after the 2nd "Ultimate Evil Guy" and the 1st "Ultimate Evil Guy" has been defeated.

Seriously, my head is still swimming. Mr. Morrison, next time remember that less is more. Unless you're Cher. And if you think you're Cher, snap out of it! Oy...

TMI Tuesday

A very "Let's Go to the Movies" version of TMI Tuesday...

1. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?

Alanda and her husband Steve treated me and our friend Max to a movie just this past Sunday.

It was a birthday celebration (Max's birthday is the day after mine) and Alanda fixed a fabulous dinner, showered us with amazing gifts (seasons one AND two of The Venture Bros. is just a sampling of the fabulous presents I received), and then we saw a movie.

Max chose the movie. I had nothing to do with it. So, don't judge me.

It was Underworld 3: Rise of the Lycans.

I won't go into how horrifically bad this movie is, but I will refer you to the Time Magazine movie review by Richard Corliss. The title of his review tells you everything you need to know...

"Underworld 3: Me No Lycan."

2. What is your favorite movie theater snack?

It's not just my favorite movie theater snack, it is my "must have" movie theater snack.

Popcorn. Severely buttered, overloaded-with-salt popcorn. The bathtub size, if possible.

And if you don't like buttered and salted popcorn when you watch a movie, what else don't you like? AMERICA?!?


3. Have you ever snuck in 'outside' food into a theater?

Well, I haven't, but Alanda certainly did at last Sunday's movie. She snuck in popcorn for all of us.

My mother used to sneak in popcorn and cans of soda, so that, as soon as the lights dimmed, you'd hear my mother, rustling around in her purse and then you'd hear that "Pffzzzt" sound as she opened the can. And everyone would stare, assuming that we were poor, redneck, white trash. Which we were. Good times...


4. Have you ever made out in a theater?

Yes, I went to middle school. Isn't that the same question?


5. What is the 'farthest' you have gone in a theater?

Well, I've done the "Alanis Morissette," but I didn't do it to one of the stars of Full House, I never wrote a song about it and I didn't receive a Grammy Award because of it.

Yeah, other than the popcorn that was stuck to my knees and a sore jaw, I didn't get a damn thing out of that.

Bonus (as in optional): What is one of your favorite movie sex scene?

This will probably call me out for the sick fuck that I am, but the first thing to pop in my head is the sex scene from Fatal Attraction, when Glenn Close says to Michael Douglas, "Have you ever done it in an elevator?," then hits the stop button on the lift and lunges for him. Hot. Seriously fucking hot.


P.S. I found this "Fatal Attraction" picture in a Google image search. I think I've found my costume for Halloween this year...

"Get Us Out From Under, Wonder Woman!"

For months now, Dan Didio at DC Comics has been screaming a word that, frankly, struck terror in my heart...

"Manazons!"

You see, there's all this talk about Diana Prince being replaced as Wonder Woman this year...

...A year without Wonder Woman, Batman and Superman... Hmmm... Hey DC Comics - - Didn't we do this just 2 or 3 years ago?... As Yogi Berra would say, "It's like deja vu all over again."...

...and the talk implied that the new Wonder Woman would be a man. Yeah...

Well, now we're learning that's SORT OF true. Yes, Wonder Woman's replacement is a man, but he won't dress like this. 

Sure, you MIGHT think that this boy is sexy in his "satin tights, fighting for your rights"... 

...but for every manazon twink with muscles who ALMOST pulls off Lynda Carter's old costume, there will be dozens of manazons who look like this. 

Not that I don't love me some big, hairy men...

...dip me in honey and throw me to the bears, as far as I'm concerned...

...I just don't want my bears in blue skirts polka-dotted with white stars.

The white go-go boots, however? Fierce, girl! 

FIERCE!!

"Oh, Christmas Tree. Oh, Christmas Tree..."

On Sunday, November 9th of this past year, I mentioned in a post that, as I walked home from the bus stop, I saw a lit and fully decorated Christmas tree prominently displayed in front window of the one of the buildings that I passed.

I actually saw that Christmas tree three days earlier. On Thursday, November 6th.

And folks, I walked by that same window tonight and I can report that the Christmas tree is still up.

Still fully decorated. Still lit.

To the People in the Apartment on Cornelia Near the Lake: Christmas is over! The holidays are done! Get a fucking life! Take down the tree!

My mother suggested I gather together some friends, walk over to the apartment, stand under the window and sing Christmas carols. Incessantly.

Who's with me?

"All You Get Out of That Is a Car."

I can't wait to get home and watch today's episode of The View because today's guest was the man with the Shoney's Big Boy hair, Governor Rod Blagojevich.

As you've probably heard by now. Blago announced earlier today that he considered appointing Oprah Winfrey to Barack Obama's vacated Senate seat.

And according to the Chicago Tribune, The View's Joy Behar responded to that idea by saying...

"All you get out of that is a car."

Which is brilliant, but it gets better.

Later, Joy said she had heard that Blago does a great Nixon imitation. So, she asked Rod to say, "I am not a crook." Blago refused.

I hereby propose that Joy Behar be recognized as one of our country's most beloved national treasures. And also, I am officially bestowing upon her the title of "Honorary Gay Man."

She is a queen amongst queens!

"They Do a Lot of Touching, Kissing, Even Fisting..."

Since the art of handballing is something that I both enjoy (a major understatement) and highly encourage, I have received more than a few responses that boil down to... well...

"Ewww... Gross!"

And although several people have posted this video about those fisting Obamas, I am posting this for all the "Ewww... Gross!" people to let them know that, if you don't like this particular kink of mine, then you must not like the sex life of Michelle and Barack Obama!

And as we learned from the Bush administration, if you're not in 100% agreement with the President and the First Lady, then the terrorists win!!!

This means that all those incredibly enjoyable Saturday nights I spent over the last few years prove that I am a true patriot!

This is "The Love Doctor" from Detroit telling it like it is...

fisting, fist bump... tomato, toMAHto...

"Nothing Says 'Date...' Like a 3-D Ride...!"

So many wonderful birthday gifts!

One of my all-time favorite movies from Kevin at actorschmactor...

...A book I've been itching to read about the "Great Comic-Book Scare" of the 1950's from Aaron at Go Away I'm Reading...

...A brilliantly bizarre cd of showtunes sung by tv stars from Derek (Derek, when are we going to play Domination?) and... this book...

...Philip's gift: Comin' at Ya!: The Homoerotic 3-D Photographs of Denny Denfield

Oh, Philip. You had me at "homoerotic."

Yes, it's a book full of hot men from the 1950's in all their eye-popping, 3-D glory. Philip has provided me with the means to take My Imaginary Boyfriend to the next level.

Imaginary Boyfriend today, 3-D Boyfriend tomorrow!

Which means, of course, that Blow-Up Doll Boyfriend can't be far off!

'09 is lookin' GOOD!

Wait... What the?... Blow-Up Doll Boyfriend doesn't have a penis... This is some BULLSHIT!!!

"I'm Batman"

This morning, S at So, I Was Thinkin'... wrote...

"There have been many actors playing Batman. West, Keaton, Kilmer, 

Clooney, Bale, et. al....

Do we call them 'Batmen'? or 'Batmans'?"

This is an interesting question for a fanboy, seeing as how it's only been a week or so since the "Bruce Wayne" Batman of DC Comics was killed by Darkseid. Interesting, because Bruce's death is leading up to, what DC Comics is calling, The Battle for the Cowl.

Not to worry, though. Even if Bruce's utility belt is refitted for Jason Todd, a "can't quite fill the tights" Alfred Pennyworth, or a "miraculously healed so she can walk again" Barbara Gordon (which is what I slightly suspect is in store for my favorite former Batgirl), Bruce Wayne will be resurrected. Somehow. 

That's what me and Polt at Polt's Palace believe, anyway. Right, Polt?

So, while we prepare for the entire Batman Family to fight to see who will take over the title of the superhero with no powers, kick-ass cars and a voice like Lionel Stander, let's see what happens when Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney and Bale Battle for the Cowl. 

Pretty cool, huh? My only question is, "Who has time to do something like this?!?" Oy...

Fratboy Friday

Thank you so much for all the well wishes and Happy Birthday messages I received yesterday. I had a wonderful birthday (Special thanks you to Karen and Paul Blart for all the laughs last night).

Now boys, as for my birthday celebration tonight at Hydrate's open bar fundraiser for Will Schutz...

BOYS IN CAPS

No, it's nowhere near a "Deer Crossing"...

Though, if there is a chance in Hell I could be the meat in that sandwich,

I'll gladly bring the party to you two!

****

SAGGERS

You won't find it looking up, since Hydrate is at street level...

How can he look up?

That treasure trail keeps pulling my eye... down...

****

MOONERS

Ummm, boys?... Just because it's called Hydrate doesn't mean,

"Break out the boardies!"

Nevermind, just stay there and let me enjoy the view.

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

No, "open bar" doesn't mean "Bring and Pour Your Own."

No Shirt, No Shoes, No I.Q.

You know, age, experience and wisdom aren't such bad things after all. But why did I have to give up my hairline AND my waistline to get them? Oy...

Well, if you come to the Hydrate benefit for Will tonight you can rub my bald head. On anything.

"You Say It's Your Birthday..."

Today, I turn 39 years old. 

If you think I look younger, there's a star in your crown in Heaven; If you think I look older, nobody's talking to you!

Instead of the usual birthday gathering where everyone showers me with vodka, Girl Scout Cookies and toys purchased at Leather Sport, I have, believe it or not, a better idea...

According to The Penguin Dictionary of Curious and Interesting Numbers, 39 is the smallest mathematically uninteresting number. The book claims that it is also the first number that is simultaneously both interesting and uninteresting, thereby avoiding the paradox.

I agree that 39 is both interesting and uninteresting ("At our age, we're too young for the old people and too old for the young people; we are the generation gap!" - George Furth, COMPANY), but seeing as how 20 year olds think of me as "the Daddy type" and 50 year olds tell me I'm "just a baby," I don't think I'm avoiding the paradox AT ALL! I'm running into it at full speed!

But I have a year before any "Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's 40!" signs are hung over my head, so I want to start right off and work to make 39 much more interesting than uninteresting.

Which is why, for those of you in Chicago, I am foregoing the usual birthday bash at Sidetrack (I can hear the sigh of relief already... Mike...) and asking that, instead of a gift, you join me tomorrow at Hydrate Bar's fundraiser for actor Will Schutz.

Will is a veteran Chicago actor with credits at City Lit, the Side Project (he recently played Robert in Side Project's production of Philip's play PERFECT),  and many other companies.  He has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and, like so many freelance artists, he does not have health insurance. So...

Tomorrow from 9:00 p.m. to 11:00 p.m. at Hydrate, your donation at the door ($20 suggested) will get you open bar for those two hours WITH appetizers. And best of all, the funds raised will help cover the cost of Will's treatment. 

I've only met Will one time, after his performance in PERFECT. He is a wonderful, sweet man and I want to help in whatever way that I can. If we can meet there tomorrow, spend some time celebrating my birthday, AND raise a little more money for Will in the process, it would make me very happy.

So if you're in Chicago and available, join me at Hydrate tomorrow (Friday) between 9:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. If you're not and would still like to make a donation to help Will, visit his fund's site here.

So, no gifts. Your donation helping Will is all that I want. 

And if you want to meet up with me before 9:00 p.m. tomorrow - - and you're in need of a showtunes fix like I constantly am - - I will head over to Sidetrack around 7:00 p.m. I'll be in Ten Forward.

Hope to see you tomorrow! Email me or leave a comment if you have questions or need any further information about the fundraiser for Will.

P.S. In the picture above, I'm the one with the "missing a front tooth" grin. And there are two birthday cakes because my cousin, Rhonda, was born the very same day (and year) that I was. And no, the pink cake was not for me. I have no idea what's going on with "Number 7."

P.S.S. Happy Birthday to my good friend Java at my life, or something like it. Today is HER birthday too!

"Are You Trying to Win Me Over? Because You Kind of Suck at It"

DC has cancelled the latest incarnation of The Blue Beetle (teenager Jaime Reyes), and though I didn't collect the series at all during its run, after reading this little exchange he had with Oracle, I wish DC would give Jaime one more chance as The Blue Beetle in a solo book.

Oracle: "If Guy Gardner wanted you dead, you'd be dead."

Jaime: "Are you trying to win me over? Because you kind of suck at it."

Oracle: "... I'm going to dispatch a Birds of Prey operative to your area."

Jaime: "Birds of Prey?"

Oracle: "Yes."

Jaime: "So they're like super-powered birds?"

Oracle: "No!"

Jaime: "They have bird-powers?"

Oracle: "No."

Jaime: "Do they at least have bird code names?"

Oracle: "One does."

Jaime: "Annnnnd we're back to you sucking."

"I Hate That Goddamn ‘It’s Wonderful To Be Alive’ Feeling!"

Slowly but surely, I'm coming out of the funk I was in on Monday.

I probably wasn't the only person in a funk on Monday. My good friend Alanda from It's Coon Time informed me that Jan. 19th was determined to be year's Blue Monday, otherwise known as, "the most depressing day of the year."

But even if it had been the most depressing day of the decade, I would still be smiling today. I mean, it's impossible to keep frowning after you get a hug like this from Viking Zombie Boyfriend.

Add to that an early birthday gift - - the dvd of The Goodbye Girl - - arriving today from the oh so sweet Kevin at actorschmactor and my Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows are back. Hardcore!

And speaking of that Lesley Gore ditty, my buddy Mike H. responded to my need for that song, not with the mp3 (I SO already had that!), but with these three pictures...
















The last one says, "RAINBOWS: Not as gay as you might think." Well, those socks are a flaming, "Mork from Orc" nightmare and... or rather, but... it looks as if that model is sporting a nice sized package. That's pretty damn gay to me, but I love it... and I'm a little jealous of the package... Just sayin'...

Last and certainly not least, my friend Matt from My Kingdom for a Merkin saw this webcomic and he immediately thought of me.

Now, when straight men see cartoons about fisting and immediately think of me, things are DEFINITELY looking up!

Thanks to everyone for the all the pick-me-ups. They were much needed and are much appreciated.

"Point Me Toward Tomorrow"

What do you get when you cross a Marvin Hamlisch tune - - a showtune that was, basically, the Defying Gravity of the 70's - - with Stephen Colbert's comedy and (sorry Ian...) Christine Ebersole's voice?

Well, you get "America's Worst President: An Administration in Revue" (to borrow from that Will Rogers Follies tagline). Political commentary in showtune form. You know I love it!

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Tribute to the Bush Administration - Christine Ebersole

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

This is sort of like the idea that Hell is not fire and brimstone, it's a gigantic movie theatre. The seats are filled with your friends, family and loved ones, and you sit down in the middle of them all. The lights dim and as the movie starts, you realize that you are watching your life played out, not just in front of you, but also in front of everyone you every cared about. All of your life. Every minute of it. So that, all of the possibly shameful or immoral things you did because no one was looking or no one would know, all those moments are shown in sparkling Cinemascope, over and over, for everyone you love.

God, I hope that happens to Bush! Then again, if he's sitting in a room filled with his family, they might slap him on the back and congratulate him. And Jeb would just envy him. 

Thank God the 8 years is over.

"We're Bringing Back Style to the White House..."

"First of all, how good looking

 is my wife?"

Those were President Barack Obama's first words after being announced at tonight's Neighborhood Ball.

And then, the President and the First Lady danced to At Last, sung by Beyonce.

And when Barack twirled Michelle around ever so slowly, she giggled and beamed a shy little grin.

Look at them.

If these two people don't make you want to fall in love...

...well, you're probably this guy.

TMI Tuesday

A TMI Tuesday on this most historic day that has absolutely nothing to do with this most historic day. I love it!

1. Have you ever dated/married purely for money?

I've done many, many things "purely for money," but I have never dated and/or married anyone simply because of the size of their wallet.

I HAVE dated and/or proposed marriage to SEVERAL people simply because of the size of something else they carried in their pants. Does that count?

2. What is your type?

Breathing. (Oxygen tent optional).

I don't really have a set type. A month or so ago, Philip said to me, "You know, a lot of people SAY that they find just about everybody attractive, but you ACTUALLY do!" And he's right.

I try to be open to everyone and everything. And yes, I meant that dirty.


3. What is the best sex game you have ever played?

Check out the answer under "Wrath" on this TMI Tuesday post. As far as sex games go, I think I won that one, don't you?

Actually, my favorite sex game would definitely be the "Disappearing Hand Game." No matter which side of the field you're on, it's always fun.

Seriously. With some practice and the right lubricant, you not only see Jesus, you also have lunch with him and split a crème brûlée.

(Don't knock it till you've tried it. And don't try it till you've trimmed your fingernails.)


4. Have you ever given or received an orgasm from a person whose last name you did not know?

Let's try this again...

I'm a HOMO-sexual...

Are we done?


5. Have you ever masturbated in front of a sexual partner?

Yes. Several times. While trying to convince him that I would only put the head in. And for tip money.

Bonus (as in optional):At what age do you think men and women reach their sexual peak? Do you think you have hit yours yet?

Men reach their sexual peak around the time they can legally drive a car. Women reach their sexual peak around the time they can take legal possession of their ex-husband's vintage car. The one he bought when he was 16.

This is why Ashton and Demi have got it all figured out.

Then, there's poor Bruce Willis. Watching Demi driving around in the car he bought when he was 16. And there's Ashton. In the car seat.

"Now You're Here, And Now I Know Just Where I'm Going..."

I can't decide what song to sing today?

1) Just In Time, which I think perfectly describes President Obama's greatest gift - - the ability to inspire us, to give us hope, to give us purpose, so that WE, not just HE, can begin to mend our broken country... or...

2) Ding! Dong! The Witch Is Dead, which is the obvious choice for Bush, Cheney and all the evils that they heaped upon this country over the past 8 years.

So, in keeping with our our new President's message of hope and change, I'm going to force my cup to be half full (I know... shock!!!). Just In Time is my song for today.

Not just any version of Just In Time, though. We need a Judy Garland version of Just In Time - - the perfect remedy for those Saddleback Church invocations.

"Don't Torture Yourself, Gomez. That's My Job."

It's painfully obvious that I'm in a dark place right now when I look through the latest t-shirt designs being offered at Threadless and this is the one that I want the most.

It's called Trojan Hearse.

Yeah.

Sure, there's something hot about a warrior with a big sword emerging from a tight hole in the front of a car, but come on...

I need a little Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows right friggin' now!

"You Don't Know Love From Shinola!"

Today is Ms. Dolly Parton's birthday.

As you can see from the image to the right, I spent more than a few months of my life celebrating Ms. Parton's music in an award-winning cabaret show that I created entitled, "Dolly Would!"

I loved the show, I loved singing her music, but most of all, I loved the abs I had then. Wow.

I remember life without pizza and ice cream.

So, in honor of Dolly's 63rd birthday, here is my favorite song from her latest album, Backwoods Barbie - - Shinola!