Celebrate 38 Years in Two Nights: Just Add Vodka!

This time last week, I was out on the town and dressed to the nines celebrating my 38th birthday.

As you can see, for me "dressed to the nines" is a euphemism for "Birthday Cake Hat" accentuated with my version of Corey Worthington's "famous sunglasses."

Karen and Doug don't need such extreme accessories to look fabulous.
I, on the other hand, need all the props I can get.

One look at the stupid expressions on my face in these pictures and there can be no doubt that the vodka was FLOWING STRONG last week. Oy...

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Angel - - so-named because he is one - - gave me the gift the cannot be blown out:
The Birthday Cake Hat! I love it.

It's big, bold and pastel - - just like I was in middle school back in '82 when I shoved my fat ass into my favorite teal sweater from Merry-Go-Round.

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Philip gave the fantastic gift of the famous, yellow sunglasses.

I love them as well, but on me, they look less like Corey Worthington and more like that old Cher character "LaVern." By way of Corky from LIFE GOES ON.

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Philip's intrinsic cuteness can pull them off, though. And that new boy he's going out with - - Jacob, seen here looking dashing in black leather - - is equally as cute, equally as funny and equally as fashion forward.

And he sells wine, so he's now my new best friend. Until he can't get that discount.

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Kyle - - our cutie-patootie stage manager from LYLE - - came with his best friend and she knew EXACTLY how to meet me on my birthday. We were introduced and she said...

"Oh my god! You were the Cat in the Hat!
You're AMAZING!! I LOVED YOU in that show!"

See guys? That's all it takes to win me over. And if you have a super-sized penis, you don't even have to say all that. Just grab me by the neck and mumble, "You wanna?"

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Tuesday at T's was packed with people.

There was one of my all-time favorite stage managers who became a valuable and cherished friend, Jeanne, accompanied by her beautiful girlfriend, Barb.

Thanks for buying my meal that night, you two. You're the best!

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There were multi-talented actors like MK and Charissa

Look at all those drinks in front of Charissa.
Looks like she's in training to surpass me as "The Next Elaine Stritch."

Or are those MK's drinks. Hmmmmm.... STRITCHY!

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There were super cute boys like Derek, Ryan and Andrew.

As you can see from his shirt, Ryan took over my long-held title of
"The Gay Blanche Deveraux of the Northside of Chicago. "

And yes, "Gay Blanche Deveraux" is redundant.

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And the birthday celebration on Tuesday ended somewhere two of the hottest women in Chicago theatre - - Charissa and Dana - - were discussing something hush-hush...

I imagine Charissa is saying, "You think he's REALLY 38?"
and Dana replying, "Charissa, come on! He's 38 in dog years, maybe."

No, they both love me and plied me with drinks all night. Thanks to them and to everyone who came out last Monday and Tuesday to celebrate with me. I had an incredible time!

Good Morning

"Just call me angel of the morning, angel
"Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby."

Do think this boy enjoys Juice Newton's version of that song?

Maybe if I hummed a little of it, he's move that damn sheet.

Mmmmmmm...

"Stop Digginng Through the Dirt, Weasels."

What's better than a man who is funny? A funny man who speaks out for what is right.

This is how Joel McHale on E's The Soup ended this week's episode...

"And one last thing. Heath Leger passed away this week, and in all the years we've been doing this show, we've never had cause to mention him.

"So, stop digging through the dirt, weasels. A talented, decent guy is gone, and our thoughts go to those who knew him."

Perfect and poignant. Thank you, Mr. McHale. I don't think any of us could have said it any better.

Katie Ain't Got Nothin' on Jeff

To prove that my brother is funnier than I am, cooler than I am and, yes indeed, gay, here is the text message I received from him today concerning today's marathon...

"My worst time I have ever done.

"Threw up twice and had awful cramps but I finished!

"At least I beat Katie Holmes' time.

"Headed to the jacuzzi."

'Atta girl!

"The Mystery of the Disappearing Hand Towels"

This morning, my brother Jeff is running the Miami Marathon.

At the present time, it is 66 degrees in Miami and 12 degrees here in Chicago.

Of course, 12 is a heat wave for us, seeing as how just two days ago, it was -9 degrees. And that's not the wind chill factor, that was the actual temperature.

So, I wish I could be in Miami right now for a number of reasons - - to enjoy the weather and to cheer my little brother on.

Here's a picture of the two of us taken after he ran his first marathon here in Chicago a couple of years ago.

He could barely walk that night, but he managed to limp over to Hydrate for a couple of cocktails.

He also managed to bring a handsome man FROM Hydrate to my apartment to trick with that night. On my couch, no less.

Curiously enough, when I woke up the next morning, both the trick and the hand towels in my bathroom were gone.

Jeff, of course, lied and said he didn't know anything about "The Mystery of the Disappearing Hand Towels." But after a little interrogation from me, he cracked, admitted what he had done and pulled the significantly soiled hand towels out from under my couch.

"What?," I said. "Wiping up your spunk with some tissues is too good for you?"

So Jeff, best of luck today in the marathon. And best of luck tonight with your post-marathon trick.

Go ahead and use the hotel's hand towels. They won't mind.

He Who Laughs Last

What do you get when you're driving drunk on a suspended license because of a DUI arrest - - so drunk in fact that your blood-alcohol level is DOUBLE that of the legal limit - - and you drive your car into and kill a man on a bicycle?

Well, if you're on the phone with a friend after it happens and if you laugh when that friend says that you should be given a medal and a parade for "taking out a tree hugger, a bicyclist, a Frenchman and a gay guy all in one shot" - - well, in that circumstance you get 10 and a half years in prison.

That's what happened to this woman - - Melissa Arrington, age 27.

Pretty, ain't she? Yeah, pretty fuckin' haggard.

Melissa here - - and you just KNOW that she was one of those girls in middle school who dotted the "i" in "Melissa" with a little heart, don't you? - - was convicted two months ago of negligent homicide and two counts of aggravated DUI in connection with the December 2006 death of Paul L'Ecuyer.

And when the judge heard a tape of the phone call where Melissa's friend commended her for "taking out... a gay guy," where Melissa laughed and then her friend said that he knew that was terrible thing to say and Melissa replied, "No, it's not," the judge gave her just one year shy of the maximum penalty for her crimes.

But don't worry, Melissa. You won't be around any "gay guys" in a maximum security women's prison.

That's ok, though. I mean, we gay men, when you piss us off, we just hold you down and fuck with your hair.

But the lesbians in prison? They're our sisters and I'm sure they're none too pleased that you laughed about "taking out... a gay guy."

Here's a tip: Sister Spike likes it when you use your tongue to spell out the alphabet when you're "down there."

Don't know what I'm talking about? You will... very soon...

The Lion Wants Courage & We All Know What Clay Is Aiken For

My friend Michael Ryczek sent me this picture yesterday and the email simply said...

"who's the bigger sissy - you decide"

Well, let's see. Clay is in a rhinestone-studded, "poor man's Porter Wagoner" tux and a red wig- - his costume from SPAMALOT - - but the Cowardly Lion's hair is FIERCE and it's neatly bundled into a red, silk bow.

Then again, Clay's got that whole orange-tan, overly-white teeth, "face pulled so tight he looks Eurasian" thing going on. But the Cowardly Lion's eyebrows have been plucked into a severe, "bitch don't fuck with me" arch.

Let's face it - - it's impossible to figure out who is the bigger sissy. Let's just consider them "Separated at Birth."

Sort of like post-stroke Bette Davis and the Apple Tree from THE WIZARD OF OZ.














P.S. Clay Aiken has a blog on the SPAMALOT web site. Since he's in the show till May, his blog will either be a source of continuous laughs or a cure for insomnia. Either way, someone wins.

But whoever wins, you can be damn sure it isn't the audience members of Broadway's SPAMALOT. Unless he falls into the orchestra pit. Now, THAT would be funny.

Fratboy Friday

A post-birthday Fratboy Friday...

BOYS IN CAPS

Very hot. Especially when you take into account that his t-shirt says "Montana Buzzcocks."

Hairy or buzzed - - I like 'em both ways.

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SAGGERS

If my father had shown me a picture like this when I was younger, there is no doubt in my mind that I would have played football in high school. God bless Lycra.

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MOONERS

On October 2, 2005, Trevor showed his ass to the world. And it was good.

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DAMN, I WAS SO DRUNK LAST NIGHT

On my birthday, when I needed my birthday spankings, where was this drunk straight boy?
And where did he get that hat?

The Slut Meme

Polt over at Polt's Place has tagged me for "The Smut Meme."

My name and "smut" are synonymous. Who knew? Ok, everybody knew, but still...

This is a meme created by Isabella Snow and "The Smut Meme" rules are to link to her, to link to the person who tagged you and to tag two others.

In my experience, sex that has a lot of rules turns out to be a LOT of fun, so I'm game. And I've obeyed the rules Mistress Isabella. May I have another?

Thank you, Mistress! On with "The Smut Meme."

1. Chocolate or Whipped Cream? Whipped Cream, I'd say. It's a little stiffer and can adhere to certain shapes. And sizes.

Then again, there is chocolate Magic Shell.

You know, that stuff that pours over ice cream and hardens. That might be fun.

Pour it on when it's soft, get it hard and watch Mr. Happy "punch" out of it's encasement.

Lord, I need to get out more...

2. Leather or PVC? This picture should answer that question, but fair warning: If you don't want to see ALL of me, don't look.

3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex? Anytime there's a chance to do it outdoors, I say GO FOR IT!! City or country, alley or valley - - outdoors brings the thrill of possibly being caught and the mind-blowing sensation of feeling the air and the world all around your naked body.

Just be mindful of the poison ivy.

And the cops.

And George Michael. He's always in the woods lookin' for a little somethin'-somethin', isn't he?

4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed? I'm for more spice than sugar, so I say the Jacuzzi. Or the front porch. Or on top of the refrigerator. Utilize your space, that's my motto.

5. Bad Sex or No Sex? As my father is fond of saying, "Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's great. And when it's bad, it's still pretty good."

6. Dominate or Be Dominated? Again, the picture in the link above will answer that. Although, I can be versatile when I want/need to be.

As my friend John Cardone once said about me being vers, "Sure Stephen, you're versatile. Spelled B-O-T-T-O-M."

7. Thigh highs or Bodystocking? Singlet. For obvious reasons.

8. Fast or Slow? Mix it up and take your time. This ain't a race, it's an adventure.

9. Rough or Gentle? See #8

10. Bite or Suck? Depends on the location. If we're talking about My Boys, it's the latter, but if it's Nipple Time, the former. Are clamps an option?

11. Role play or Reality? Role play. But be careful when you role play with an actor. We know how to get into and STAY into a scene. We commit to our role, baby. And you will LOVE IT!

12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To? Both! To quote the play, AS IS, "Talking dirty makes it feel like Spring."

13. Edible panties or No Panties? Panties, boxers, tighty-whities or commando - - whatever gets your propeller spinning, I'm in.

14. Spanking paddle or Bare-handed? Whichever pleases you more, Sir. (Woohoo! I'm gonna get spanked! Yay!)

15. Landing Strip or Kojak? Looking at the top of my head doesn't answer that question for you? "Who loves you, baby?"

16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck? Depends on the time available. Got the weekend? Let's go multiple. Got 10 minutes in the back of a cab? One good one!

17. Moaning or Screaming? Moaning AND screaming. And wailing. And begging. Let's give the neighbors something to talk about!!!

18. Older Men or Young Men? Older and younger and everything in between. I'm an Equal Opportunity Tramp.

19. Threeway or No Way? Threeway? Is that as big as the group can get? Let's fill the room and then send out for seconds.

20. Swing or No Swinging? Let's just say, too much of a good thing is grand!


And now I have to tag two people. Hmmmm....

When I tag people for these memes, I sometimes feel like I'm passing on a chain letter, so with that said, I lovingly choose Dirk over at Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore and my buddy Shirl over at Shirley Heezgay for this Smut Meme.

Not that they have to accept the tag and not that I find either of them smutty.

Although, I have had smut-filled fantasies featuring both of them. I'm just sayin...

Quantum of Solace

A couple of years ago, when Daniel Craig stepped into 007's exquisitely tailored suit...

...and yes, in my fantasy, Bond DOES wear that uber-hot square cut swimsuit under all his suits and tuxedos...

...everyone said that he was a horrible choice for Bond.

And as anyone who saw CASINO ROYALE will tell you, the opposite became true.

Daniel Craig claimed the role of 007 for his own.

With his chiseled body, rugged good looks and animal command of everything around him, he achieved the unthinkable - - He made Sean Connery's Bond look kind of like a wus.

Those of you who disagree, think of it this way: The only thing that can trump Connery's entrance in DR. NO - - lighting a cigarette at the Chemin de Fer table and saying, "Bond, James Bond" for the very first time - - is Craig's exchange with a bartender in CASINO ROYALE...

Bond: "Vodka martini."

Bartender: "Shaken or stirred?"

Bond: "Do I look like I give a damn?"

The winner is Craig. By a six pac.

The title of the next Bond film was just announced - - Quantum of Solace. It's the title of one of Ian Fleming's Bond short stories from the collection entitled For Your Eyes Only.

The title has barely been announced and already, there are Bond fans saying that it's the worse title of a Bond film ever.

I love the title. Hell, you could call the film Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for all I care. Just make sure that Craig is Bond.

And preferably naked again.

Packing a Musket by Jerri Blank

To cleanse my blog of the bile left by just writing the name "Fred Phelps," I thought we could use a little poetry by my favorite 46 year old high school Freshman, Jerri Blank...

Packing a Musket
by Jerri Blank

When you work from your home,
And johns call on the phone,
You're a Call Girl

When you walk to your limp,
And give a cut to a pimp,
You're a Street Whore

When they're beggin' you please
To get down on your knees
Near their groinage

'Scuza me
But you see
Don't you touch
Where they pee
Without coinage

When I straddle and squat
To show you my...

News Release: Fred Phelps Fails to Evolve a Thumb

I just read this over at A Twisted Thought and I had to pass it on.

The is a news release from Fred Phelps from his "God Hates Fags" web site.

No I'm linking to him or his site. I can barely type that name without projectile vomiting.

Mr. Phelps' unChristian hatred of anyone who is different from him or who doesn't share his DNA...

...And who DOES share Phelps' DNA? Or a better question: Who would ADMIT that they share his DNA?...

...his hate, his stupidity and his unconscionable lack of kindness and grace constantly amaze me.

It's a statement like this from Mr. Phelps that makes me think perhaps Darwin was wrong.

Thanks to A Twisted Thought for informing me of this.

"Exercise at Home"

I was just updating my Amazon.com Wish List - - since Alanda gave me one of my Wish List books [Stephen Colbert's I Am America (And So Can You)] for my birthday - - and this image popped up under one of my "Amazon Suggestions."

It's for a book of photography by Luke Smalley entitled, "Exercise at Home."

The suggestion is for the hardcover.

Indeed.

I know that's not at tat on this boy in the picture, but I kind of wish that it was. I love it. So different.

Of course, this boy could have a tattoo of Dick Cheney's ass on his chest and I would still love it.

After a quick Google search, I found a few more images from this book of photography...

I like his "tat" even more when he's laying down. Yeah, like that's a shock.

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On first glance, I didn't see the chain around his neck. I thought he was holding that trophy up just by the sheer power of what he might call his "Special Purpose."
I would call it "My New Best Friend."

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"Nice set."

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I always wondered what those hot UPS Drivers looked like when they worked out.

Now, I know.

On these boys, Black Socks + Shorts = HOT! Who knew?

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Hot guys pushing and shoving a gigantic, leather ball.

In your Funk & Waganall, this is the picture beside the definition for "homoerotic."

Needless to say, Luke Smalley's "Exercise at Home" is now on my Amazon Wish List.

Now, where can I get my hands on a gigantic, leather ball? Hmmmm...

Lyle on YouTube!

Look what my friend Mike over at Logopolis did for me: He put the LYLE, LYLE CROCODILE appearance on WGN's Morning Show on YouTube!!

Here are all of the spots we did that morning. It starts out with Tom / Lyle singing "Where I Belong," goes into "Soapy Crocodile" and then there's some crazy assed spots with yours truly as Senior Hector P. Valenti (star of stage and screen) from my song with Lyle entitled "They Loved Us." It ends with Danielle singing "People Like You" - - belting her ass off before 9 in the morning!!!



The music and lyrics are by George Howe. He is a genius. As is our book writer Christina Calvit. Genius.

As Ana says right before Tom and I are circling her with feather fans...

"You will never see a production like this."

I think what she meant to say was...

"You will never see a production AS GAY AS this. Ever."

Thanks for doing this for me, Mike. I love it.

P.S. We've had 9 hits on YouTube so far. We're FAMOUS!!

TMI Tuesday

TMI Tuesday Birthday Edition!!

1. What was your favorite book as a kid?

This is an easy one. It's the one book I checked out of my elementary school's library more than any other - - And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street.

I loved how it started out so small and simple and careened into a gigantic, chaotic mess.

Hmmmmm.... Stephen's Favorite Childhood Book = His Life as an Adult? Yeah, pretty much.

2. If you were stranded on that proverbial desert island (again!), what book or books (up to 5) would you want to have with you?

Give me as many Michael Chabon books as I could bring. Most especially The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay.

Mike over at Logopolis bought the hardcover of that book for me a few years ago and it remains my favorite novel to this day.


3. What was the first "naughty" book you read and in what way was it naughty?

Hell, it inspired the name of this blog! I didn't read all of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret, but when the girls passed me the book and whispered, "Page 64!!," I listened. And read.

That book talked about body parts I didn't even know existed. I mean, Seuss didn't talk about those things over on Mulberry Street, but I imagined them. Boy, did I imagine them.


4. If you were to publish your autobiography today, what would be the title?

My mind flashed on the one thing that either Eric or Philip said when they first visited my apartment at my Pride Parade party a couple of years ago.

One of them - - I can't remember who - - said that by being in my apartment, they understood me much better. Then, the opened one of my kitchen cabinets where I literally have piles of anything and everything shoved into it (very Ma & Pa Kettle, if that makes any sense), and then they said...

"Outside Control, Inside Chaos."

That is me. Absolutely, positively me.


5. Would you rather look at nude pictures/pornography or read erotic fiction and why?

One look at what I post on Fridays should answer that question.

Why? Because I have a penis and men are extremely visual creatures who seem to be able to find anything sexy.

Which is why, when it comes to my goal of being a gay sex symbol, there's hope for me yet!

Then again, you don't need to be either gay or straight, male or female to find the boy in this picture hot. You just have to be alive.

Suddenly, for the first time, I'm WAY interested in sports.

I wonder why...?


Bonus (as in optional):Do you know the whereabouts today of the first person with whom you had sex?

Honey, I don't know the NAME of the first person with whom I had sex. I'm assuming it was a man, but I finished so quickly, anything's possible.

Heath Ledger

Alanda just emailed me this. I can't believe it.

Actor Heath Ledger Dead

"Heath Ledger, who was nominated for an Academy Award in 2005 for his role as a gay cowboy in "Brokeback Mountain," was found dead today in a Manhattan apartment, New York police told CNN.

"A possible drug overdose was suspected.

"Ledger was 28."

So sad. So very sad.

Raven Knows How to Pick 'Em

Check out the birthday greeting that Raven made for me.

It's as if she looked into my bedroom and saw what birthday gifts await me tonight.

Eeny, meeny, miny, yummy!

Thanks, Raven!

It's My Birthday, Y'all!

Ever since this hit SNL, I can't have a birthday without thinking about Oprah's Favorite Things Birthday Edition!

It's my birthday, y'all!!



Thanks to everyone who came to Sidetrack last night (photos to come). See some of you tonight at T's!!!

George and Gracie

CBS News Sunday Morning just reminded us all that today is George Burns' birthday.

He was born on January 20, 1896.

They ran two clips with Mr. Burns and his brilliant comedy partner, Gracie Allen. I had to pass them on.

This one from an early movie clip using a bit right out of their vaudeville act...


George: "Could you eat two big lambchops alone?"

Gracie: "Alone? Oh no, not alone. With potatoes, I could."


And this one from their 50's tv show, THE GEORGE BURNS AND GRACIE ALLEN SHOW...

George: "My, what beautiful flowers!"

Gracie: "Aren't they lovely, and if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have them."

George: "Me? What did I have to do with this?"

Gracie: "Well, it was your idea. You said, when I went to visit Clara Bagley to take her flowers, so when she wasn't looking, I did."

It doesn't get funnier than that.

Happy Birthday, George.


And a belated Happy Birthday to Ms. Dolly Parton who turned 62 yesterday.

Corey Worthington: Cultural Hero

You know that part from AMERICAN BEAUTY where Lester and Ricky are smoking a joint outside and Ricky's boss walks outside and says...

Catering Boss: "I'm not paying you to do... whatever it is you're doing out here."

Ricky Fitts: "Fine. So, don't pay me."

Catering Boss: "Excuse me?"

Ricky Fitts: "I quit. So, you don't have to pay me. Now, leave me alone."

Catering Boss: "...asshole."

Lester Burnham: "I think you just became my personal hero!"

I know that more than a few of you won't agree, but that's exactly how I feel about Corey Worthington.

Have you heard about this kid? Corey is a 16 year old Australian boy who decided to throw a party at his parent's house while they were out of the country on holiday. A party attended by over 500 people where the police were called and then retreated because Corey's drunken mob / party guests trashed police cars, the neighborhood and apparently his parents house.

That's not why he's my personal hero. Although, that is pretty fucking cool. No, Corey Worthington is my personal hero because of this interview he gave on Australian tv...



No, he's not going to take off his sunglasses, bitch. Why won't he? Because they're fucking HOT sunglasses.

Because he has more style in his pinky than I have in my whole thumb.

Because he's 16 years old, has a nipple ring and a hot little body and he knows it.

Because our youth-obsessed culture CREATED Corey Worthington, and deep down, we ALL want to have been at that party, knowing that we were living for that moment and fuck the rules, fuck society, fuck the world.

There are days when I am choked by so much bourgeois in this "act one way and believe another" world in which we live. If everyone is really disgusted by this boy and the world didn't want to be Corey Worthington, then AMERICAN IDOL wouldn't be the hottest show on television. Then, HANNAH MONTANNA wouldn't be the most expensive concert ticket in the nation. Then, I wouldn't be invisible when I walk into a gay bar because I'm not 22 years old.

So Corey, go for it. Live it up. Party hard and fast and grab ahold of this ride and squeeze out every fucking dollar those rich, old white men want to give you.

If you want to know what we as human beings truly value, don't listen to what we say, watch what we do, what we buy, what shows we watch and what celebrities we obsess over.

The cultural zeitgeist does not lie.

And Corey, if it's at all possible, invite me to your next party.

You had me at "Naked Twister."