TMI Tuesday

It's been a long time since I TMI'ed...

1.On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your sex life?

Just last month, a Chicago theatre critic caused a bit of controversy when she reviewed a local production of Romeo & Juliet and the review was printed in a local paper. Even though the critic admitted that she only attended the first act of the play. What a gal, huh?

People were upset because, when you review a play in it's entirety, it's best to actually view THE ENTIRE PLAY. I mean, watching just half of The Way We Were leaves you with The Way They Are - - Hubbell and Katie, together forever. It doesn't fucking work.

So, since the last couple of people I have had sex with promised me 69, but left me with 68 - - which means, I did them, they got dressed and told me "I'll owe you one." - - I will defer from rating my sexual satisfaction at this time. Like the "Half-a-Show Critic," I don't think I should rate the 68's.

2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?

"Thank you, Daddy. May I have more?"

3. What is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done or said to you?

It's telling when I can't think of one thing. Many men have been extremely romantic with and for me, but nothing really stands out in my mind right now. Which means it's been WAY too long since I've been on a date.

Now, where did I put that small talk?...

4. Where is the most unusual place you have ever had sex?

In a house that was under construction. Some of the outside walls were up and some weren't.

So, of course, we stood in the area where there WEREN'T any walls. Completely naked. In the moonlight. With people walking by.

Should I be amazed, thankful or insulted that those people didn't see, hear or notice the two of us fucking as they walked by?!?

5. How do you liked to be kissed?

Early and often. In every way imaginable. Different times call for different kisses.

However, if you're the kind of kisser who enjoys taking your tongue and shoving it down another man's throat, I will stop you and show you another area of my body where your probing tongue will make me EXTREMELY happy.

Bonus (as in optional):Most embarrassing sexual moment?

A fuck buddy of mine asked me to play out a scene with him where I was German skin head who would "rough him up" a little in the course of our usual fucking and sucking. (Stop laughing!) He really wanted me to play the part. Meaning, he wanted me to speak only in German. Yeah...

We were chatting online late at night when he asked me over to do this scene, which left me with no knowledge of German and no time. So, I Googled a English-to-German translator and frantically began to translate and memorize every dirty phrase I could think of. In a few minutes, I was ready. But the guy asking for the German wasn't.

You see, when you ask an actor to role play a scene with you, we don't fuck around. I was trained for this; I was IN this scene. I was only speaking the dirty German phrases I had looked up, nothing else. And when my fuck buddy didn't understand, I would get angrier, more forceful, "less giving with the goods," if you know what I'm saying.

Finally, my fuck buddy had had enough of me and my queer Hitler, so when I yelled the one of the same (now, probably rather tedious) dirty phrases in German and got a little pushy, he screamed at the top of his lungs...

"For Christ's sake, I don't know what the fuck you're saying!"

I apologized and calmed him down, but I didn't laugh. Even though, I was laughing my ass off inside. Laughing at what a supreme douche I must have looked and sounded like.

I should have just walked in, had him blow me, sang Danke Shoen and been done with it.