Starbucks (Heroin-Laced) Penguin Holiday Cookies

I'm not a big Starbucks fan. I'm not a trendy, coffee shop guy in general.

First off, there are WAY too many choices for me, and when "Tall" is the smallest size available on a menu, my brain goes to that PC blue screen of death.

Also, I just don't get the point of GOING to a coffee shop to work or play around on a laptop. It's a little too "Look At ME! I'm Writing and Chatting and I'm SO IMPORTANT That I Can't Be Away From My Computer For More Than One Hour Or I Will Just DIE!"

Even Aquaman has figured out how to deal with his need for water every hour without looking like a douche bag in public.

One day, I'm going to get up the nerve to purchase one of those huge, old Smith-Corona electric typewriters, lug it into a Starbucks or a Caribou, slam it down on a table, plug it in and just go to town on the keys, so that those loud-assed typing pins interrupt everyone and everything. Then, when the whole room is staring at me, I'll shout in my best Jeri Blank voice...

"What are you lookin' at?!?"

All that aside, I fell in love with their holiday cookies last year. They are incredibly sinful and so addictive that I am certain they are laced with heroin. Or at least, some good Whitney Houston smack.

So, on my way home tonight, I stopped into the Starbucks on Broadway and Roscoe to see if their holiday cookies were available. And they are. Last year, they were shaped like snowmen. This year, they're penguins.

And each Starbucks Penguin Holiday Cookie costs One Dollar and Eighty-Five Cents!

$1.85?!? For a friggin' cookie?!? Sweet Mother of God!

I almost asked the barista to kiss me.

I like to be kissed when I'm getting fucked.

And to add insult to raping-me-for-all-the-money-I-have, the twinkie clerk with the chunky glasses and the lisp that stretches from here to Kenosha was uber-snooty and pretentiously bitchy to me.

All I could think as I walked out was that line from ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS...

"You only work in a shop, you know. You can drop the attitude."