"Hell No! Shia Won't Go!" & "Katie! Run For Your Life!"

Before things get out of control and either one of these stories veers into the "Britney / Lindsay" area of media attention, I would like to set the record straight...

...well, maybe not "straight" but "gayly forward"...

1) Shia LaBeof was not drunk at the Walgreen's here in Chicago at Chicago and Michigan Avenue. Sure, he was a little tipsy...

...we had been consuming SEVERAL Limoncellos throughout the evening...

...and he was simply roaming the aisles looking for his favorite Walgreen's item: "Baby Wig on a Stick."

You see, when Shia has a couple of cocktails, he likes to cuddle up with a "Baby Wig on a Stick" and pretend it's Kate Moss.

I told him I would gladly dress up like Kate Moss and he could fondle me, but he wasn't interested.

Proof that he wasn't overly drunk or he SO would have taken me up on my offer.


and also...


2) Katie Holmes was not running the New York Marathon.

She was running FROM Tom Cruise and TO Nicole Kidman to ask her how the Hell she got away from that fag.

Luckily for Katie, Tom got distracted by all the lean men in extra-short shorts, stopped at a water station and just stared at the hot guys who poured the drinking water all over their firm, tight bodies.

Suri was staying with her godparents: Anderson Cooper and Ryan Seacrest.