Yucko

While my good friend over at Ono is in Alaska fishing with his father, I will take over his duties as "Critic of All Things Rachael Ray" and provide you with this interesting tidbit of info from EOnline...

Dunkin' Donuts added a double shot of perk to its brew Thursday, announcing plans to team up with Food Network star-turned-Oprah aspirant Rachael Ray to launch a new health-conscious menu for which Ray will also serve as spokeswoman.

Ray's official duties include being an all-around cheerleader, er "brand representative," for the Boston-based chain. In her new capacity Ray will be integrally involved in the development of the chain's "better for you" line of food and drinks, which aims to cut out all trans fats from its menu.

"I am excited to work with Dunkin' Donuts' team of chefs as they expand their menu to include new items for customers looking for more health-conscious options," she said.

The 30-Minute mistress will extoll the yummo virtues of sugar-covered dough and high-octane joe in television, print and radio ads, as well as in-store appearances for the pastry purveyors."Everyone always asks me how I manage my schedule," said the ever peppy Ray, "and the answer is coffee." (Stop the presses.)

"Having grown up in the Northeast, I have a long-standing and deep appreciation for Dunkin' Donuts coffee," she added.

"We believe there is tremendous synergy between Dunkin' Donuts and Rachael Ray," said Robert Rodriguez, the chain's president. "Rachael's philosophy of creating quality meals quickly and without pretense for busy people living busy lives is the same driving force behind the Dunkin' Donuts brand."

I would comment on all of this but A) the story is so ridiculous, it speaks for itself and B) this artwork from Gallery of the Absurd says it all.

Mission Accomplished?

I just found this in the Chicago Tribune's "Images in the News" section...

A protester dressed as the Grim Reaper displays a tally of U.S. soldiers killed in Iraq during a rally on April 29, to mark the fourth anniversary of President Bush's "Mission Accomplished" speech in Washington, DC.

President Bush is expected to veto the Iraq funding bill this week that
includes a timetable for the withdrawal of troops.

Next year, if we are still in this war with no schedule for the withdrawl of our troops, I suggest that instead of one Grim Reaper carrying a sign with the number of U.S. soldiers killed in the War in Iraq, we march on Washington with one Grim Reaper per U.S. soldier killed.

Can you imagine if 3,351 Grim Reapers had stood outside of the White House yesterday?

Of course, waiting until one year from yesterday would mean that another thousand of our soldiers would be killed and we simply cannot wait that long.

One more day is too long.

The Blind Are Leading The Blind

On the bus ride up Clark St. to meet Mike and Andy at Hamburger Mary's before Alanda's kick-ass cabaret show, TRAMPS LIKE US, in Mary's Attic, I was reading the Chicago Freepress and stumbled across a comment regarding the following news item...

Former Gov. James E. McGreevey, who resigned in scandal, is teaching ethics and leadership at one of the state's public colleges.

McGreevey was hired as an "executive-in-residence" at Kean University in November and earns $17,500 annually for the part-time job, which involves teaching in the graduate business school. The gig allows him to remain in the state pension system, said Dan Higgins, spokesman for Kean.

McGreevey resigned in 2004 after publicly admitting to an extramarital affair with a man. McGreevey had previously made his gay lover the state's homeland security chief, despite a thin resume for the job. The man, Golan Cipel, has denied the relationship was consensual and said McGreevey sexually harassed him.

Yes, Jim McGreevey...

...the man who cheated on his wife with another man...

...the man who used his political power to get his Potential New Boyfriend a big ole' job for which he was unqualified...

...the man who only came out of the closet because he was going to BE outed in the midst of the scandal...

...HE is teaching a class on ethics.

In related news, starting next week, I will be teaching a class on cunnilingus.

____

Why is it that when these pathetic, little gay men - - who lack the courage or the decency to be true to the world, their family and themselves - - get caught with their pants down (i.e. George Michael in a park bathroom), the gay community suddenly rallies around them and makes them into role models and heroes?

McGreevey has said that if the scandal hadn't occurred, he would still be in the closet, lying to his wife, his daughter and his constituents! Wouldn't his actions be more heroic if he actually told the truth BEFORE someone was forcing him towards the press podium?

You're not a hero, Mr. McGreevey. And you're not a role model. You're a lying, cheating, self-obsessed, morally-corrupt pickle kisser and you have no place on my Pride Parade float!

Where is your place in the Gay Pride Parade, Mr. McGreevey? Behind the hot guys on horseback from the Gay Rodeo. Sweeping up horse shit. You're used to that, right?

____

McGreevey's placement of his Potential New Boyfriend as the chief of New Jersey's homeland security reminds of me of recent news here in Chicago.

Last week, Mayor Daley appointed his hunky Chief of Staff, Ron Huberman, as the new head of the Chicago Transit Authority.



MMmmm.... Yummy.


Who cares if the train is running late?


Take your shirt off.


Granted, Mr. Huberman has proved his management skills time and again, but when asked what experience he brought to his new job with the CTA, his response was that he drove a school bus for three years when he was in college.

Do you remember the guy who drove your school bus? Do you want that guy to be in charge of the mass transit of your city?!?!?

Do you see a pattern emerging here? Come on, folks. This is not THE DAVINCI CODE. Connect the friggin' dots!

Six months from now, when Mayor Daley is standing at a podium beside Maggie and telling the world that he is, in the words of Eric Cartman, "a gay homosexual," remember you heard it here first!

____

Mr. Daley, Sir. That was a joke. I know you're not really gay. I just wanted to make that clear so I don't wake up with a horse's head in my bed tomorrow. Thanks.

One Month

One month ago today, I started tracking the number of U.S. soldiers who lost their lives in the War in Iraq.

In one month, 93 American soldiers have died fighting in Iraq.

93 men and women.

Since the war began in March of 2003, 3,337 U.S. soldiers have lost their lives fighting this war.

That's three thousand, three hundred thirty-seven people. It's not just a number; those are human lives.

Mike posted this on his blog a few days ago. It's a statement Barack Obama released this past Thursday.

While you're reading it, keep in mind that our current President can't pronounce the word "nuclear."

January 20, 2009 can't get here soon enough.

U.S. Senator Barack Obama (D-IL) released the following statement after the Senate approved the supplemental funding bill that sets a target date to remove U.S. combat troops from Iraq:

“We are one signature away from ending the Iraq War. President Bush must listen to the will of the American people and sign this bill so that our troops can come home.”

“I opposed this war from the start. I said then that it would distract us from pursuing those who attacked us and would entangle us in an occupation of undetermined length, cost and consequences. This war has no military solution, and the Iraqi people need to take responsibility for their own future.”

“That’s why I believe that my plan for a phased withdrawal with the goal of removing all combat brigades from Iraq by March 31st, 2008 is still the best way to pressure the warring factions to reach a political settlement necessary to end this war. This similar plan responsibly redeploys our troops from Iraq while protecting our interests in the wider Middle East. It ensures that we are as careful getting out of Iraq as we were careless getting in.”

“All of us have been touched by the heroic sacrifices troops have made in service to our country. With the stroke of a pen, President Bush can bring them home to the families who love them and to a country ready to honor them for their service.”

Shoes

A week or so ago, Mary Winkler was convicted of voluntary manslaughter for shooting her husband.

What makes this a little different than your average, run-of-the-mill Lifetime Television for Women (and Gay Men) movie is that Mary's husband was a preacher.

And to add insult to injury...

...or rather, to add insult to murder...

...Mary claimed that her husband made her wear a wig and platform shoes when they had sex.

For me, that's not a defense strategy; that's a Saturday night.

Hell, exchange the wig with a red and white striped hat and you've got my Cat in the Hat costume in SEUSSICAL.

I guess Mary just isn't a "Shoe Girl."

Perhaps if she had seen this video, she would had understood the Power of Shoes.

(Watch this. Trust me. There's a short scene and then a kick-ass song that I think needs to be in my next cabaret show. Oh, how I love me some YouTube!)

Flash! Ah-ah!

Once again, Ray over at Super Underwear Perverts has clued me in to some pretty thrilling news.

FLASH GORDON: SAVIOUR OF THE UNIVERSE EDITION will be released on dvd on August 7, 2007.

I need this dvd!




Alex Ross created the artwork for the box, the movie soundtrack is by Queen and the screenwriter, Lorenzo Semple Jr., was also responsible for one other campy comic book treatment - - the Batman television series.

Which totally explains the quirky fabulousness of my favorite line from the movie by the actress playing Dale Arden..

"Flash! Flash, I love you! But we only have 14 hours to save the earth!"

I just don't get no better than that!

That, coupled with hunky Sam J. Jones as Flash has me twitching to stick it in my machine and push the "slow motion" button.

The man is/was hot! Just check out these stills from the movie...

Oh yeah... That's what I'm talkin' about...

You know you're hot when everyone in the room is bedazzled in gold lamè, and still all eyes are on your beautifully man-scaped chest.

Hey Flash, can we get a view from the rear?

Oh lovely. Just lovely. But wait, are those...

Leather Daisy Dukes! I knew it!

Well, it looks like Flash is ready for IML.

So, as we wait for August 7th to rush onto our calendars, here's a little Queen to keep us company.

Queen - Flash Gordon
Uploaded by stevanhogg

Brotherly Love

I'm kind of in love with this little clip from MTV - - I believe MTV Canada... whatever that is...

(Maybe MTV Canada actually plays music videos. Who knows...)

Gay Kiss ?
Uploaded by YforYerom

Apparently, doing drugs won't just make you "turn gay" (i.e. "Ted Haggard"), it will also turn you into an incestuous brothah-lovah.

As if we Southerners need drugs to make us incestuous. Please.

1,000 Days From Now

When I moved my personal email account from AOL to Google a few months ago, I discovered something amazing - - the Google Homepage.

I love it. I love it so hard. All the little ways I can personalize it. Love it.

One of my favorite personalizations is a Countdown. When I added the first Countdown to my Google Homepage, I had no idea what I wanted to countdown to - - so, I chose the first milestone that popped into my head.

My 40th birthday.

And today, ladies and gentleman, is milestone for the countdown of that milestone.

One Thousand days from today, I will turn 40.


Yes, this is a special day for me.

Gifts are not necessary, but if you must, I am registered at Macy's, Graham Cracker Comics and Undergear.

_____________

Speaking of Undergear, this is the picture that greets you on the homepage for Undergear.

I think I have a New Imaginary Boyfriend.

The Family

Yesterday, I came across a YouTuber who has uploaded nearly all of THE FAMILY sketches from THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW.

Those of you who grew up north of the Donna Dixon Line may think that a scene like the one below - - where Ed, Mama and Eunice spend an evening playing the board game SORRY - - is funny because these three characters are so wildly larger than life.

Please be aware that if my Mama, my brother and I had a few beers and played a game of SORRY, this is EXACTLY how the evening would unfold.

Except in our game, someone would be wearing a halter top, gas would be passed frequently and at a crucial point in the game, my mother would pull out a knife.

And yes, I would be Eunice.

To you, it's comedy. To Southerners, this is a documentary.



And by the way, today is Carol Burnett's birthday.

Happy Birthday, Carol. (Tug on earlobe here)

"You've got splinters in the windmills of yer mind!"

Thank You

On most days, I am 100% in agreement with Bette Davis in ALL ABOUT EVE when she says...

"I detest cheap sentiment"

But that's not the movie line that's repeating over and over in my head today.

Today, I'm thinking about what The Wizard tells The Tinman when he gives him a Heart...

"Remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others."

Thanks for checking up on me and reminding me that I am loved.

You're Not Captain America, You're Just An Asshole

Ray over at Super Underwear Perverts posted this earlier today and it is just the icing on my cake.

Why did I even get out of bed this morning?

First, I run into the former "Potential New Boyfriend" last night.

Then, Rosie announces she's leaving THE VIEW.

And now this.

Not only does MARVEL kill off Captain America a month ago...

...now, we have schmucks parading around in Cap costumes sexually assaulting women.


That's horrific, and then the story gets ridiculously pathetic.

This Cap didn't carry around a shield with a star on it.

He carried around a bag of reefer... and a large burrito.

Honest to God. A large burrito!!

Probably one of those burritos that claims to be "Bigger Than Your Head."

And the worst part is, I'm not making any of this up.

Here's the story, morning glory...

A Central Florida doctor is accused of sexually assaulting a woman during a costume party while he was dressed as the super hero Captain America.

Raymond Adamcik was arrested Saturday night at the On Tape Café and Lounge and booked at the Melbourne Police Department while still wearing blue tights and a Captain America head gear.

"It was just a group of doctors that were traveling throughout the city going from bar to bar," Melbourne police representative Jill Fredricksen said.

Authorities said Adamcik was in possession of a large burrito and drugs."

While in the restroom, he attempted to flush a bag of marijuana as well as a joint down the toilet," Fredrickson said.

Police said they were able to recover a joint from the toilet but the bag was flushed, the report said.

The doctor now faces drug and battery charges in connection with the incident.

Look at this prick.

You know you're pathetic when Nick Nolte takes a better mug shot than you do.

I hope that Reb Brown reads about this and kicks Mr. Adamcik's baked, burrito carrying ass.

Fire

This Friday, the incredible Alanda Coon joins Mike Descoteaux, Patrick Burke and Sean Sullivan for the first of only four performances of TRAMPS LIKE US, Alanda's kick-ass celebration of the music of Bruce Springsteen.

I have seen TRAMPS LIKE US several times and like all great art, it just gets better and better each time.

If you have never experienced the knock-you-naked voice of Ms. Alanda Coon, make a reservation right friggin' now for a performance of TRAMPS LIKE US at either Mary's Attic or Davenport's. You will thank me after you see it.

I will be at Mary's Attic Friday, screaming and shouting along with the rest of the crowd, amazed that I know someone that talented.

I have no audio or video clip of the show to share with you, but before I saw TRAMPS LIKE US, the video below was just about my only exposure to the music of Bruce Springsteen.

This is Robin Williams.

As Elmer Fudd.

Singing FIRE.



See you at TRAMPS LIKE US on Friday!

Rosie, We Hardly Knew Ye

The rumors we heard early this morning are true.

Rosie O'Donnell will not be returning to THE VIEW next season.

She announced it at the start of today's episode.

She added that she will be back next year as a guest host and to bring hour-long specials, like the ones she did for foster parenting and autism this year.

But no more daily Rosie.

And that sucks. For so many reasons.

"All good things," I guess.

Bush vs. Bush

Last night on THE DAILY SHOW, Jon Stewart presented a debate between first term President George W. Bush and current, second term President George W. Bush.

The results are fascinating.



It's funny because it's true.

I Want To Do Joy

In a recent online poll on some ridiculous web site, I was asked which current member of THE VIEW I would most like "to do."

I chose Joy Behar.

And while I was not in the majority with my answer, this exchange about Alberto Gonzales from yesterday's episode of THE VIEW shows just why Joy - - to reference a line from THE BREAKFAST CLUB - - "really pumps my nads."


Elisabeth Hasselbeck - "I believe that if the Bush administration wants to retain credibility..."

Joy Behar - "Retain?!? I'm retaining more water than they're retaining credibility!"

Elisabeth - "If they want to retain credibility, he (Bush) would recommend the he (Alberto Gonzales) resign. I think that would be the best thing."

Joy - "When a guy (says) 'I don't recall' 75 times! If that were me, I'd be in Assisted Living now! The guy cannot remember anything! 75 times! At the very least, he might have dementia."

Thank you, Joy.

Now, lay down you hot, funny bitch!!

Him

I just saw Him.

I left the wonderful Hell in a Handbag benefit at The Spot, waited way too long for the Broadway bus, ended a lovely evening with Brooke, walked towards my apartment in the rain and there He was.

The last guy I really thought would be "The One."

He was walking with some guy. He was holding a huge golf umbrella that shielded both of them from the rain.

I was getting drenched.

As I walked past them, they stopped talking. I didn't know it was Him till I was right beside Him.

It all came flooding back.

I spent years dating the most horrific man on the planet, spent more years in therapy dealing with what that man did to me and then I met Him at a party on New Year's Eve.

We rang in 2006 with our first kiss. The perfect way to start a year.

We had three incredible dates. Dates where all we did was laugh. Dates where our hands instinctively moved towards each other as if we had been holding hands for centuries.

And then, after celebrating my birthday with my friends, He never called me again.

And He never had the guts or the decency to tell me why He didn't want to see me again.

He just left.

That was over a year ago.

And I haven't been on a date since.

My therapist told me a long time ago that when I got mentally healthy, the dating pool would get smaller and smaller.

I understand that. I accept that. And I don't want to date someone just for the sake of "dating."

But I really thought He was one of "The Ones."

But He wasn't.

And no matter how much I enjoy my time by myself, I am becoming lonely.

Seeing Him again makes that loneliness palpable.

Oh well.

"Who Are You Wearing?"

Well, Joan and Melissa Rivers may have lost yet another spot on Hollywood's Red Carpet (damn you TV Guide Channel!!!), but yesterday on THE VIEW, Joan promised that she will be on the Red Carpet with her daughter - - never fear!!!


And speaking of those Joan and Melissa Red Carpet interviews, Joan had this to say...

"Can you imagine? My daughter and I can stand there and criticize every single woman that goes through. It's like the gay son I never had."

Auntie Joan. Gotta love her.

The Super-Duper Friends

There are others like me.

People who combine their love of comic book legends with the politics of today.

And I love the combination they have created...

THE CHALLENGE OF THE SUPER-DUPER FRIENDS

The Evil-Doers!

Petro-Man
(George W. Bush)

Doctor Spin
(Karl Rove)

9 Lives
(Condoleeza Rice)

and the enigmatically named
"$"
(Dick Chenney).

They have banded together to control the universe. All seems lost!

But fear not, gentle reader!

Enter The Super-Duper Friends!!

Captain United
(Barack Obama)

The Green Solution
(Al Gore)

The Arbitrator
(John Edwards)

Reform-Girl
(Hillary Clinton)

With their combined power, evil will not prevail!

Huge congratulations goes out to the folks who put this together! Check out their site for a full run-down on the characters, their powers, their weaknesses and their history.

Best of all, here is the video showing our heroes in action!

Remind anyone else of Saturday morning in the 70's?





Beware evil-doers! The Super-Duper Friends are here!

Bill Moyers Journal

Last Sunday, I said, "If you are not watching REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER every single Friday night... you're missing something truly remarkable..."

I also highly recommend watching THE VIEW every day. (Yes, that's a pretty faggy thing to say, but go with me.) What Rosie O'Donnell is accomplishing on THE VIEW is amazing. The "Point / Counterpoint" she has with Elisabeth Hasselbeck on this little morning talk show is providing a ton of information to thousands of people every day and is also encouraging intelligent debate.

Although, as I compare Rosie and Elisabeth to the old SNL "Point / Counterpoint" skit, I have to say that I would love it if just once, the "intelligent debate" devolved into Rosie doing her best Dan Aykroyd impersonation and saying to Elizabeth...

"Elisabeth, you ignorant slut!"

It will never happen, but I can dream, can't I?

After watching REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER this past Friday night, I now have another television program to add to my list of MUST SEE TV for a country living in the G.W. Dark Ages - - BILL MOYERS JOURNAL on PBS.

The first installment of BILL MOYERS JOURNAL is entitled BUYING THE WAR with a subtitle that reads, "How Did The Mainstream Press Get It So Wrong?"

Bill Maher interviewed Mr. Moyers via satellite at the beginning of the show last Friday and Moyers critical analysis of the Bush Administration and our current day media is a revelation.

The full interview from Friday's show is in the clip below. It includes this quote from Mr. Moyers...

"How many Americans is this President willing to sacrifice on the alter of his ego? Because what he's saying is, 'Step aside Iraqis and let our guys die.'"

He's brilliant. Watch it.

BUYING THE WAR airs Wednesday at 9pm on WTTW here in Chicago. Skip LOST and watch it. Nothing ever happens on that damn island anyway.

Belated 420

I just came across this little piece of Television History.

Oh, how I wish I had seen it yesterday when the subject matter would have been more appropriate.

But hey, it's 420 somewhere, right?

You take the good
You take the bad
You take them both
And there you have
The Facts of Life!
The Facts of Life!

The Much Needed Link

It's coming. Very soon. What we've all been waiting for.

The celluloid connection that will forever link GREASE with GREASE 2.

The film version of the Broadway musical HAIRSPRAY is coming.

How will this movie connect the dots between GREASE (where it's leading lady famously sang HOPELESSLY DEVOTED TO YOU) and GREASE 2 (where it's leading lady humped a ladder and sang a forgettable song named COOL RIDER)?


Well, that COOL RIDER chick was Michelle Pfeiffer and she is playing the blonde and bitchy Velma Von Tussle in HAIRSPRAY. Velma is the bitchy mom.


Who plays the nice mom with a heart of gold, you ask? Why John Travolta, of course!


Yes, John is doing his best Rudy Guiliani impersonation (a.k.a. "drag") and plays Edna Turnblad.

And while I would much rather have Harvey Fierstein re-create his brilliant Broadway performance as Edna in this film, I can't wait to see Stephanie Zinone meet Danny Zuko on screen.

Even if Danny will be wearing a dress.

Bringing Back an Old Parody

I never thought I would say this, but I agree with John McCain.

Unless you haven't turned on a television in the last 48 hours, you know that U.S. Presidential candidate Sen. John McCain brought back an old parody song on Wednesday called, "Bomb Iran" - - a take-off on the old Beach Boys song, "Barbara Ann."

I might be one of five people who actually remember this parody song. There have been many updates of the parody, but it originated in 1979 after the hostage crisis at the American embassy in Iran.




My family owned a copy of "Bomb Iran" on a 45.


If you don't know what a 45 is or was, lick me where I can't reach.



This is what happened.

Sen. McCain was speaking to a group of veterans at the Murrells Inlet VFW Hall. A man in the audience asked the question, "How many times do we have to prove that these people are blowing up people now, never mind if they get a nuclear weapon, when do we send 'em an airmail message to Tehran?"

The rest of the audience applauded.

Sen. McCain replied by saying, "That old, eh, that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran."

The crowd chuckled.

Then, McCain gently sang, "Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, anyway... "

The audience laughed.

As the International Herald Tribune reported, "After his joke, McCain said that he agrees with President George W. Bush that the United States must protect Israel from Iran and work to prevent Iran from acquiring nuclear weapons. McCain has long said that the military option should not be taken off the table but that it should be used only as a last resort."

The media is having a field day showing McCain singing about bombing Iran. When asked for his response to the negative reactions some people are having to his joke, McCain had this to say...

"Please, I was talking to some of my old veterans friends.

My response is,

'Lighten up and get a life.'"

That is what I agree with. The "Get a life" part.

Do I want the U.S. to bomb Iran? No.

Is McCain calling for the U.S. to bomb Iran? No.

Do I admire someone for finally standing behind what he said and not backing down because someone didn't agree with it or it hurt someone's feelings? Abso-fucking-lutely!

The YouTube clips is below. Notice that it cuts off right before McCain responds seriously to the question.

This is happening over and over again. For example, Republicans are calling for Rosie O'Donnell's dismissal from THE VIEW because they falsely accuse her of blaming the President for 9/11. Rosie never said that. What she said was that the collapse of Tower 7 is a mystery since steel does not melt at the temperature it was exposed to on 9/11. She then asked for experts to come on the show and explain it to her. It's not even a conspiracy theory from Rosie - - it's a question.

Yet, with Rosie and with McCain, the ever lovin' American sound byte wins all. The news no longer presents us with the facts, it presents us with a subjective version of the facts.

I feel like inundating the news rooms of America with a never-ending clip from DRAGNET that keeps repeating the phrase, "Just the facts, ma'am."

But more than that, I commend Sen. McCain for standing up for what he said and what he did. No tears. No apology. No meeting with the leaders of this or that. And thank God, no rehab.

I may not agree with Sen. McCain's politics, but I admire him for principles.

I'm Lynette. You're Susan.

Anyone who has been to my home knows that I'm not neat and tidy enough to be Bree Van De Kamp Hodge.

Since one of my thighs takes up more space than Eva Longoria, I'm not Gabrielle.

I've slept with so many men that a bedding company chose to name a brand of sheets after me - - WAMSLUTTA! - - but still, I am not trampy enough to be Edie.

And believe it or not, as soon my mother, my father and I saw Teri Hatcher's character fall, trip, break, burn down and essentially "Jack Tripper" her way through one episode of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, we each had the same reaction...

Susan Mayer = My Brother Jeff

Jeff brags about how "Susan Mayer" he is in everyday life. Case in point...

Jeff is a social worker and one day, he was driving one of his clients, a mentally challenged little boy, to an appointment. After the appointment, Jeff made sure the child was secured into his seat and closed the passenger door - - on his hand.

As if that's not painful enough, the door was locked. So, his hand is now jammed between the car door and the door frame.

And in the process of securing the child in his seat, Jeff had dropped his car keys INSIDE the car.

So, in extreme pain, Jeff had to calmly talk to the child through the closed car window and convince him to undo his seat restraint, unlock the lock and then OPEN THE DOOR!

(Just for the record, my hand would still be jammed into the car door if I had to do this. Going on...)

The best part is that when he called me to tell what had happened to him, Jeff began the phone call doing his best Mary Alice impersonation. He said...

"Jeff Rader was always getting into trouble..."

So, I'm not Susan, either. Jeff is Susan. Hands down.

I've always known I'm a Lynette, but damn it, did the friggin' ABC "WHICH DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE ARE YOU?" Quiz have to supply me with irrefutable proof!!!


Yeah, I'm totally Lynette. I wouldn't have worn the damn orange, pizza place shirt either.

Mrs. Parker

For nearly a year now, I have been passing my bus ride to and from downtown reading comic books.

I know it's been nearly a year because I fell off the wagon of my self-imposed "comic book abstinence" when I started picking up DC Comics groundbreaking one- issue- per- week series 52 - - and this week is Week 50.

I know you can't really see it when the image is this size, but if you want to know why I read comic books, check out the tone, form and bubbly-goodness of Black Adam's ass.

I dated and/or "slept with" a hot dancer in the first national tour of FOSSE who had a butt you could bounce a quarter off of and even that pales in comparison to the Black Adam badonkadonk!

But this morning, for the first time in months, I had no new comics to read.

So, I grabbed one of my favorite collections for the ride - - THE POETRY AND SHORT STORIES OF DOROTHY PARKER.

And while reading over a hilarious story in the book's introduction, I realized something...

What the world needs now is
Mrs. Dorothy Parker.

These days, everyone seems to be able to tell everyone else what they can or cannot say. Our language is being broken down into "good" and "bad" words. If we offend someone with our turn of phrase, they demand an immediate apology, excessive "mea culpa," and of course, the inevitable rehab.

I hope when they try to shut down my language that the heavens provide me with a little sliver of Mrs. Parker's wit and enough of her courage to actually say the words out loud.

Here is the story from my collection's introduction...

"...in 1961, (Mrs. Parker and her second husband Alan) Campbell staged a reconciliation of sorts and remained together until his apparent suicide in 1963. Asked at the time by a meddling acquaintance if there was anything she needed, Mrs. Parker dryly replied...

"Get me a new husband."

When the woman expressed disgust at what she considered the callousness of the remark, Mrs. Parker, her wit ever intact, sighed and said gently...

"So sorry.
Then run down to the corner and get me a ham and cheese on rye and tell them to hold the mayo."

Wild Women of Boho

Last night, I was thrilled to attend the first of only three performances of a truly incredible cabaret show entitled THE WILD WOMEN OF BOHO.

Now, those of you who may have received a postcard or an email about this show may think that I'm being a little self-aggrandizing by complimenting a show that I'm listed as co-directing with Lili-Anne Brown, but please know that my "direction" of this show was little more than suggesting where they should position their microphones and encouraging these amazing women to follow their uber-talented instincts.

These six women - - Jess Godwin, Cassandra Liveris, Vanessa Panerossa, Jennifer Jordan Rhoads, Karen-Marie Richardson, and Blair Robertson - - met a few years ago when they were cast in Bohemian Theatre Ensemble's first production of the musical, THE WILD PARTY.

The show is about them, their lives, the struggles of being a theatre artist, the production that brought them together and their friendships that remain strong to this day.

These women are outstanding musical performers and their musical director, Nick Sula, is a godsend! His arrangements are breathtaking. The music he makes is thrilling. And he's damn cute.

Now, I had obviously seen a few run thru's of this piece and knew this group was wonderful, but last night, they brought this cabaret show to amazing heights.

My Daddy always says, "You don't know what you look like till you get your picture taken." After their performances last night, we now know that all of these women and Nick could (and should) perform cabaret all the time. We also know that this show is honestly not to be missed.

Bohemian Theatre Ensemble is big supporter of Season of Concern, so I urge anyone in Chicago to make plans to see THE WILD WOMEN OF BOHO on either Monday, April 23rd or Monday, April 30th at Davenport's Piano Bar & Cabaret.

You've only got the next two Mondays so see this. And if you miss it, you're a damn fool!


Congratulations to Jess, Cassie, Vanessa, Jenn, Karen-Marie, Blair and Nick for an outstanding performance last night!

And thanks to Lil for her direction, and most especially, to Brooke for organizing this event and making sure everything was taken care of at all times - - you are a goddess!

Old Polaroids

Recently, Jockohomo posted a link to this collection of pictures on Flicker.

The description of the collection reads...

"This photo came from a collection of over 400 Polaroid photos of strippers trying out for dancing jobs at a So. Cal club. They were taken from the late 1960's thru the early 1970's. I bought the entire collection for $10 from a senior advisor of mine in art school."

This "found" collection is wonderful. Some of the pictures are campy, some racy, some sad and some, like this one, I think are truly fabulous...


Philip wants me to make the woman above my New Imaginary Boyfriend.

I think I should send this picture to Britney and show her what a real blonde wig looks like!

Oops! She di.. (oh, screw it... she's too crazy and the joke is far too old...)

Ok, I read about this little piece of film but I hadn't seen it until just now.

This is Britney in a form we haven't quite seen from her.

She's not shaving her head, showing her puss or going all "She-Ra" on a car with an umbrella.

I just realized something about the umbrella...

Do you think Britney saw an episode of THE AVENGERS and was doing her best "Mr. Steed" impersonation?

Nah, I doubt it. Brit probably thinks that the BBC is a diet form of RC Coca-Cola.

This is Britney being a sarcastic Valley Girl... or something.

And I follow her sarcastic point until she talks about her management.

Then, she loses me.

Is she trying to say it was NOT a good idea for her to go into rehab?

And what's all the crap about "go to the light?" Did she watch POLTERGEIST recently or something?

Can someone please watch this and tell me what the fuck is going on?

Countdown

No, I'm not talking about the new DC Comics once-a-week series entitled COUNTDOWN that is soon to follow then final weekly installment of 52...

...I'm not talking about it YET, anyway...

I'm talking about the new piece of my blog that counts down to...

Bush's Last Day

January 20, 2009

Thanks to Whim for telling me about it and sending me the link.

Add one to your blog, your web page, anything at all.

Hell, if the html would work, I would have it tattooed on my ass!

Tons of people see that.

Leg Up

I saw this ad on a billboard at Belmont and Sheffield yesterday and all I could think was...

"Hey, Madonna.

PUT YOUR LEG DOWN!

What are you trying to do?

Get cast in BASIC INSTINCT 3?

You're nearly 50 years old.

Act like a person, for cryin' out loud!

Geez..."

The Former Wife of Renee Zellweger

This - - and I mean this with all my heart - - this is why I love the South!

The song. Not the singer.

Before you watch the video that I'm talking about, I have to mention something - - I just read that Kenny Chesney grew up in my hometown on Knoxville, TN. He attended Gibbs High School and graduated two years after I did.

I graduated from Powell High School. At our football games, the cheerleaders from Gibbs and other neighboring schools used to shout...

"Shoo. Shoo.

What do I smell?

P-O-W-E-L-L.

Powell!"

Funny, Gibbs girls. Real friggin' funny.

And if you recall, Kenny Chesney was married to Renee Zellweger for all of four months. Renee had the marriage annulled citing "fraud."

We all know Renee is the ultimate "Fruit Fly." (Did you see her drunk out of her mind at the Golden Globes a few years ago? LOVED IT!!!)

Sounds like she not only slept with one of her fag friends - - she married him and THEN realized...

"Oh my God. I married a gay man.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!"

Or maybe Renee walked onto Kenny's tour bus and found him teaching his good friend, Peyton Manning, all about "dominant chords."

Either way, if this video doesn't prove that Kenny Chesney is, as my father says, "queer as a football bat," I don't know what will!!!

18 Days

I have keeping track of the number of United States soldiers losing their lives in The Iraq War for only 18 days.

In 18 days, 55 men and women have been killed in Iraq.

Fifty-five of our own soldiers killed in eighteen days.

George W. Bush leaves the Office of the Presidency on January 20, 2009.

That is 645 days from now.

If we stay in Iraq and the rate of U.S. casualties remains the same as it has been over the past 18 days, an additional 1,971 United States soldiers will lose their lives.

The majority of the country is against this war and our occupation of this country.

We cannot wait until President Bush leaves Office to begin a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq.

Bring our troops home.

Now.

Bill Maher on Monica Goodling

If you are not watching REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER every single Friday night, add it to your To Do List on your TiVo, set your VCR or just stay at home. You're missing something truly remarkable if you're not watching this show.

For example, on September 9, 2005, after the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina, Bill Maher had this to say about President George W. Bush...

On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not lucky!

I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side. So, yes, God does speak to you, and what he's saying is, 'Take a hint.'"

This past Friday, Mr. Maher had this to say about Monica Goodling. Who is Monica Goodling? Watch and be shocked...

"It's three years and you only have to read one book."

Genius. Absolute genius.

I Agree With Mr. Waters

This just in from today's episode of AMC's SUNDAY MORNING SHOOTOUT.

John Waters had this to say...

"Only in L.A. do you have rehabs for homophobia.

What is that?

They show you, what, Liza Minnelli movies?"

"No One With A Dream Should Come To Italy."

My life is like THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA.

Before I go any further, no I was NOT accidentally kicked in the head by a Shetland pony at my 12th birthday party. If that were the case, I would wear an oversized hat everywhere - - especially if Matthew Morrison was anywhere near me.

If that passage confuses you, go see THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA on tour or watch the 1962 movie version starring (get this combo) Olivia de Havilland and George Hamilton, or... hey, here's a thought, READ THE BOOK written by Elizabeth Spencer.

After seeing the musical, the movie and reading the book, you're still going to be a little weirded out by this story of a girl kicked in the head by a horse who moves to Italy and scores a hot Italian boyfriend who has no idea that the 26 year old woman he's humping has the mental capacity of our current Commander in Chief!

In THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA, the character of Margaret Johnson says...

"No one with a dream should come to Italy, no matter how dead and buried you think it is. Italy. This is where Italy will get you."

Last Saturday night I realized that my life proves Elizabeth Spencer wrong.

Not that she gives a flying fuck what a bald fag with a blog thinks, but I'm puttin' it out there!

Last Saturday at my father's birthday party, he mentioned in one of his speeches to the crowed that he and his wife (my stepmother) could tell you every little detail about the night they met - - where they were, what they did and how it ended - - except they weren't sure of the exact date.

How do you NOT KNOW something like this?!?!? I keep a calendar of which guys named "Trick" I slept with on what day, just in case a miracle occurs and a man actually does want to buy the cow after he's drank his free milk.

I just realized that in that analogy, I'm a "cow."

It's hard to get laid when you refer to yourself as a COW, just so's you know!

My father and stepmother can narrow it down to a two week window of time, because when they met, I was out of the country on a class trip through Europe...

...including Italy...

...and you guessed it, we spent a few days in Florence.

Florence is where THE LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA takes place.

Before I left for that two week trip, my relationship with my father was incredible. After he separated from my mother, we had changed from "father/son" to "friends" almost overnight. Soon after I returned from Europe and my father met his new wife- to- be, he tried to reverse the process.

It didn't work.

For example, after all the nights I had spent as his "friend," convincing him that we should leave the bar before "last call" since it was a school night and 7th grade math was kicking my ass, it was difficult for my father to tell me that I had a 10:00 p.m. curfew

It was sort of like those areas in parking lots where you can easily drive through in one direction, but if you back up, metal spikes slice your tires. Our relationship exploded.

I guess in the back of my mind, I knew that my father and I wouldn't stay "bachelor buddies" for the rest of our lives, but when I went to Italy, I didn't find a dream that was "dead and buried" as Ms. Spencer says; I left a dream.

After he found his second wife, my father drifted further and further out of my life. A lot of that damage has been repaired now, but I live so far away that we will never, ever have the close friendship that we had for those few years between his marriages.

I do care about my stepmother, but I don't care for her. My father is in love with her and she makes him very happy, so I am happy that she is with him because of that. But as I told her a few years ago when she drunkenly asked me why I hated her so much...

"You took my father away from me."

____

Epilogue: I did learn one interesting fact about my stepmother that slightly redeemed her in my eyes.

The night she met my father, she handed him her phone number on a Monopoly "Chance" card.




That move is either super smooth or incredibly cheesy - - or both. Probably both. Which is why I like it.

P.S. Does anyone have any old Monopoly game sets they don't use anymore?