"If You'll Be Mrs. O'Leary, Baby, I Will Be Your Cow!"

This St. Patrick's Day, I have walked through the Loop here in beautiful, downtown Chicago, and I have but one thing to say...

I don't ever, Ever, EVER want to hear another straight person say ANYTHING about Gay Pride Day ever again. Period.

You have a problem with boys in Speedos, dykes on bikes with their tits hanging out and drag queens on roller blades. Really? You're wearing green sunglasses and a fake green beard and you just pissed all over yourself while vomiting into a plastic green hat and YOU have a problem with US? REALLY?!?

St. Patrick's Day is one classy holiday. Classy with a capital K.

Your honor...

...Exhibit A.

I'm all for hairy bears, I love fun, beauty queen sashes, and however you want to earn money (even if it's stripping and having strangers stick dollar bills in your bra) is okay with me, but...

...doing the splits and using your sphincter to pick up God-only-knows-what off of concrete during the family hour is just plain wrong.


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And speaking of "just plain wrong,"
how dare this man simulate oral sex on his "instrument."


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And just where do you think that man on the left if about to stick that drum stick?
That poor girl in the green wrap will be walking funny for weeks.


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Hey, you! Yes, you! Douche bag on the far right!
GET OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE!
You're in a parade, for God's sake!!!

(I love how he has his finger in his ear,
as if the PARADE is disturbing HIM. Prick.)


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I'm all for the "Bend and Snap," but the girl on the far right has spotted SOMETHING on or in the girl in front of her. From the look on the face of the girl in front of her, it's something in her, for sure.


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There's so much going on here, I can't even begin to break it down.
Those poor dogs. What did they do to deserve this?


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Honey. Sweetie. Sweet girl. Those beer goggles are for the guys you're hoping will fuck you. Because if you wear them, they can still see your face.


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I liked Helena Bonham Carter better in THE KING'S SPEECH. This ALICE IN WONDERLAND look her husband created for her is just... disturbing.


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Ummm... The Power Rangers can't even get it right. We don't want the Red Ranger on St. Patrick's Day, we want the Green Ranger.


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Oh. There she is.


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Before you even ask, no that is NOT me in the Pink Ranger costume.

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I was the Blue Ranger that day. Doing what I do best. Entertaining the masses.
And yes, it's massive, honey. Mass-IVE!