"Superman and Green Lantern Ain't Got Nothin' on Me!"

The Hero Factory web site is all the rage on the blagosphere these days, and since I have a deep love for both comic books and men dressed in skintight fetish gear, making my very own superhero was a thrill... except for... Well, let me explain it this way...

When I sit in the audience on the opening night of a play that I have directed, I always feel like I'm...

A) In hard labor, in the stirrups, sweating through the painful birth of my child, only I can't move, I can't have an epidural and I can't scream at the baby/actor, "For Christ's sake, you're on! You're on! Make your entrance! Your fucking killing me!!!"... 

...and, I feel like I'm...

B) Watching that very same child walk out of my life and into college, with a smirk on his face that says, "Screw you, Dad! From now on, I do what I want to do!," turning his back to me and shaking his head in that "God, you are SUCH a friggin' DUMBASS!," way that all teenagers seem do at least 37 times a hour.

Seriously, when it's opening night and you're sitting in the audience watching as the actors add lines, forget entrances and walk offstage with a prop needed in the next scene ("You leave the sardines!"), it feels like natural childbirth colliding with the empty nest syndrome. All in front of a live studio audience!

And while the my issues with the Hero Factory didn't cause me "umbrella up your ass" labor pains or deep sadness, I was a little pissed that I didn't get to choose my hero's name. The site generates a name for your hero after you've chosen all of the hero's physical attributes, which is why the "P" on his chest has nothing whatsoever to do with his superhero name. 

The name "Four Eyed Knight" doesn't contain the letter "P," but it does contain a great deal of "suck."

Truth be told, I hadn't quite decided on his name when I finished Four Eyed's physical attributes, but I was, obviously, thinking of something uber-gay...

..."Does this pink Lycra jumpsuit make me look gay? Yeah? Well, what if I get up off my knees and take your penis out of my mouth. Now, do I still look gay? Oh look, hair gel..."...

...So, I was thought about calling him "The Pink (???)." I wasn't quite sure what the second word would be. Maybe "The Pink Flame," or "The Pink Avenger." Or maybe, camp it up and name him "Pinky Lee." Or even gayer - - "Pinky Tuscadero!" (God, I loved her...)

But no, my gay keeper of the satin tights will have to somehow fight crime AND his suck-ass, site-generated hero name, "Four Eyed Knight."

And since there's no "P" in his superhero name but there IS a big "P" on his chest, those rumors will start again. You remember. THOSE rumors. Four Eyed Knight... Aqualad... watersports... Well, it wasn't like that at all!

It might have LOOKED a little sordid, but everyone knows that Aqualad needs water once an hour, right? And Four Eyed Knight was stung by a jelly fish and the best thing to do for a jelly fish sting is to have a friend... 

Well, it's just unfortunate that that Olsen kid was nearby with a zoom lens, photographing it all for the tabloids. The "P" on Four Eyed Knight's chest will remind people of those pictures. People will start believing those rumors. Soon, Four Eyed Knight will be bombarded by men, hundreds of men, each one saying three little words to him, over and over...

"Pee on me."

Well, maybe this name isn't so bad after all...