We've Not Come A Long Way, Baby

The Dutch have officially brought us one step closer to a reality television show where you, the viewer, get to choose who lives and who dies.

CNN reports...

A 37-year-old woman suffering from an inoperable brain tumor wants to donate a kidney before she dies and will choose the recipient from among three contestants on Dutch national television, a TV network said Tuesday, claiming it wants to highlight a crisis in organ donations.

Asked to intervene, the government said it was unable to stop the broadcast, regardless of how distasteful -- and even unethical -- it might be. And it's unclear whether the contestants are a medical match with the terminally ill woman, and whether the winner would be capable of receiving her kidney.

It's ironic that hundreds of years have passed since crowds voted on whether gladiators in the coliseum should "Live" or "Die," and yet, we humans remain the same twisted, pathetic, miserable, "kick 'em while they're down and laugh about it" beings that we were then.

The show is entitled, THE BIG DONOR SHOW. But is that the best title?

Why not BOWLING FOR KIDNEYS?

Or DIE OR DIALYSIS?

No, I've got it - - THE REAL YOU BET YOUR LIFE!

Think that's disgusting? It is. One more sign of our times.

And when you consider that the winner may not even be a match for this woman's kidney, it's even more disgusting. There is a special place in Hell for those who dangle false hope in front of the sick and dying. A place right next to Falwell. No, incredulous as it may sound, these people belong on a lower ring then Falwell.

And to say that this will "highlight a crisis in organ donations" is like saying SURVIVOR is the perfect teaching tool for understanding the intricacies of Darwinism. As my grandfather used to say, "It smells like horseshit 'cause it IS horseshit."

Network chairman Laurens Drillich defends the quality and integrity of the show by saying...

"Some people will think it's tasteless, but we think the reality is even more shocking and tasteless: Waiting for an organ is just like playing the lottery."

With that logic, we can easily take this a few steps further and create a reality show that every network will, pardon the pun, kill to have.

I can just hear the sicko tv executive's pitch...

****

This is a SURVIVOR-like show where all the cast members are either near death or really want to die and we graciously offer the winner, not a million dollars, but LIFE! You're gonna love it.

First, we put out a casting notice...

"Currently Seeking All Those
Who Are Terminally Ill,
Questioning Their Need To Exist
Or Anyone Who Is
'Mad As Hell And Not Gonna Take It Anymore'"

Then, we pick out the standard reality show cast. And since our contestants are the near-dead and dying, there are so many colorful possibilities.

We can definitely find some flamboyant fag with only two T-cells to his name for our AIDS guy. Then, we get a redneck, Bible-thumping, Republican mother of four who has cancer. I mean, just with those two alone, there is HUGE conflict-potential.

Can you imagine if we can get the queer to start screaming at the poor, white trash mom who lost her hair to chemo about how "God doesn't hate fags?!?!" We're talking an "O'Donnell/Hasselbeck" fight here. The ratings will soar!

Once the cast is complete, we put them in an AMAZING RACE-like contest. But instead of solving puzzles and travelling around the globe, we'll confine them to a huge maze. And at each checkpoint, they will have to fight blood-thirsty murderers armed with knives, swords, guns, flamethrowers, etc. Obviously, they fight to the death. I mean, they're already dying or extremely suicidal, right? So, what do they have to lose?

And we can have the final four battle EACH OTHER - - kill or be killed. Yeah, each other - - what a twist! The winner will receive our "Universal Cure."

Oh, no. There is no "Universal Cure" but if we TELL them we have a universal cure for whatever it is that's killing them, they'll fight harder, right?

And the final episode's twist is that there IS no universal cure and we tell them ON AIR that they have always had the power to fight back against anything and live! It's so uplifting. It's so WIZARD OF OZ. I've really thought this through.

A title? We could call it KILL FOR THE CURE. Or maybe Mark Burnett would co-produce and let us call it THE ULTIMATE SURVIVOR.

No, I've got it! We call it LIVE AND LET DIE!

We just have to get the rights from the James Bond people. Hell, Paul McCartney already wrote our theme song!

A host? I don't know. Is Richard Dawson still alive?