Sick and Twisted

Ummmmm....

...what....

...the Hell...

...is going on...

...with Robin...

...on this cover of DETECTIVE COMICS?!?!?

They are not fighting Mr. Freeze in this issue, so that can't be "ice" covering The Boy Wonder like that.

Maybe... no...

Ewww.... you don't think it's...

EWWWW!!!!

That is some sick, twisted...

Wait a minute!!!

I've seen this before...

Yes, that's it, that's it!!

Wonder Woman was once trapped in the EXACT same pose on one of her comic book covers.

But...

...why do Sandman and Atom...

...and and the rest of those Golden Age do- gooders...

...get encased in some weird- assed prism STANDING UP...

...while our girl "in her satin tights, fighting our rights" gets trapped in a 4 a.m. stripper pose like that?

Sick and twisted. Sick and twisted.

I can't wait to hit the comic book store tonight.

Note: Both the DETECTIVE COMICS cover and the memory of it's resemblace to this rather odd WONDER WOMAN cover come from a recent posting on a favorite new blog of mine - - Super Underwear Perverts. Check it out! It's fabulous for SO many reasons!

Playboy Dolly

I am all over the Tribune these days.

On their site today, there's a great interview with Tom Stabler. He has been Playboy Magazine's art director for the past 39 years, and he retired this past Wednesday. In the interview, he discusses the design driven covers the magazine had from the late 60's through the 70's.

And he starts off talking about Dolly Parton.

October 1978 / Dolly Parton

"She is one of the sweetest people you will ever meet in your life. I was there for the shoot; Harry Langdon is the guy who shot it in L.A., in his studio. We asked her to wear the bunny suit, as we did Sally Field.

"When we started shooting, we turned up the music and it was her singing. She started dancing and singing. Then, we turned down the music and she just kept singing. It was terrific.

"Then Harry would go up on a ladder and was shooting all over the place. On the first break, she came over to me and said...

`Would you mind telling Harry not to shoot me from above? My breasts look like torpedoes from that angle.’"

Damn, I love me some Dolly.

And by the way, you're right. You've found him. Me.

I'm the man who reads Playboy for the articles.

Can't Quite Bring Sexy Back

This just in from Eric Reda...

"I once tried to bring sexy back but I could only get a store credit."

Fuck, I hate when my friends are funnier than me.

Marilyn Hack Stars as a Blind Prostitute

"You know what they say about a blind prostitute?

You have to hand it to her."

Today, FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION, the latest Christopher Guest movie is released on dvd.

My gay ass will be walking over to the State Street Border's at 5:00 p.m today to purchase a copy.

I expect to be quoting any and all dialogue from the movie by 6:17 p.m...

...give or take 2 or 3 minutes...


...depending on how fast the 146 bus can haul this homo home.

Naked with the Mayor

We are exactly one week away from Chicago's mayoral elections.

And last week, I met one of them.

And by "met," I mean "stripped in front of."

Let me explain.

Last Friday, four members of the cast of SEUSSICAL made an appearance on ABC's 11:00 a.m. news program.

Just four of us - - Bethany Thomas who plays The Sour Kangaroo, John Burns who plays Jojo, Isaiah Brooms who plays the Mayor of Whoville and me.





Here's a production pic with Bethany on the left. That's Kelli Morgan as Mayzie La Bird on the right. Unlike Bethany and me, Kelli had the good sense not to get naked in front of a potential Windy City Mayor.

I'm getting way ahead of myself.

The four of us went to the State Street studio for ABC news, and since Bethany and I work downtown, we put put on our costumes at the studio so we could change back into our street clothes and go to work after we had dazzled everyone in Television Land.

The taping itself was eventful - - if your definition of "eventful" is "to suck massively and often."

You see, we only had one track from the show, the curtain call GREEN EGGS AND HAM, and since were only doing a quick 3 and a half minute segment with questions and then the song, we thought we were fine.

And then, ABC wanted play in's and play out's before and after commercial breaks.

We ended up singing and dancing to GREEN EGGS AND HAM about five different times, and the really funny part is, as I said, IT'S THE CURTAIN CALL!!! - - so, the first half of the number is choreographed and the second half... well... ISN'T!!!

So, when the four of us got to the "isn't choreographed" part, we were told to "improvise"...

...and our dance improvisations looked less like dancing and more like Cousin Jeri from THE FACTS OF LIFE having an epileptic seizure.

It was awful and yet we kept singing that song again and again. We sang it so much that when we were leaving, one of the techies said, "Thanks. I'll have that song in my head for the rest of the day" and believe me, the "thanks" part smelled just like "sarcasm."

So after all of that, Bethany and I made our way to the dressing room where we had changed, and even though I was in platform shoes, overalls and a 3 foot "Cat in the Hat" hat, a man tried to stop me from going in by saying, "Wait! Dorothy is in there!"

Now, at this point in the "sucking," I didn't give a rat's ass if Dorothy Gale herself was in that room.

Even if it was Judy Garland AS Dorothy Gale, I was going in, changing my clothes and getting the Hell out of Dodge before the angry mob came and burned me with their torches for putting them through such abysmal television.

So, I opened the door and the woman inside, "Dorothy" I presume, said it was ok.

Bethany and I started taking off our costumes and talking about this and that. She told me she was playing the Lilias White role in Boho Theatre's upcoming production of THE LIFE and I was (and am) thrilled for her.

So, there we are, shooting the theatrical bullshit, and something in my brain said that I should possibly ask this well dressed woman named Dorothy something before I just went ahead and did it...

"Excuse me, ma'am. Do you mind if I change my pants?"

She looked at me like I had two heads. Above my neck, not all together, you dirty, dirty thing, you.

She sort of shook her head "no," and I made some stupid comment about my mama slappin' me across the face from 600 miles away if I hadn't asked that question.

What DOES Emily Post say about disrobing in front of a complete stranger?

So, there I stood...

in my underwear...

...in front of The Clerk of the Circuit Court of Cook County...

...and Mayoral Candidate, Dorothy Brown.

Oh, Dear Lord...

Lakeview Polar Bears

Maybe winter isn't so bad after all.

The Trib posted these pictures of the Lakeview Polar Bear Club from their annual swim in Lake Michigan at Oak Street Beach on February 17th. They call it a...

...and I swear I am NOT making this up...

A CELEBRATION OF SHRINKAGE!

This year, however, the "swim in Lake Michigan" part of LPBC's event didn't happen because... well... the lake was frozen.

So, the Lakeview Polar Bears improvised...

...and usually, I'm not a big fan of "improv," but in this case...

...well, I don't know about you, but...

...one half naked man making angels in the snow spells out "hottie" in my book!




Speaking of, this is Brian Marchal, the President of LPBC...

...playing football...

...half naked...

...in the snow.

Now, don't get me wrong, there ain't nothing wrong with tight football pants and jockstraps...

...nothing wrong with that AT ALL!...

...but if all football players looked and dressed like this, I would be buying me some friggin' Bears season tickets!!! Okay!!!!

And the best part is that this event, the Celebration of Shrinkage, is a fundraiser. As the LPBC site says...

"This year we will be raising money in honor and support of the Prestangen family: Sherri and Scott, and their 9-year old son, Ryan. Back in December of 2005, Sherri was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia... This family has been through some hard times and now they need friends to help pick them up. There are many fantastic charities that raise money for good causes, but I am excited that we help specific families, the Prestangen family in particular."

Last year, they raised $5,600 for another family in need.

In my humble opinion, that makes this man the perfect combo...

...a hottie with a heart.

And yeah, it doesn't hurt that he looks damn fine in a Speedo.

Tagged

Apparently, I've been "tagged."

Now, being so new to this whole "world o' bloggers," I wasn't quite sure what that meant. I hoped that it meant some hot boy had just used that crazy Tag Body Spray on himself and instead of people falling all over him, he now wanted to get all over me. Alas and alack, that was not the case.

Yesterday on Bea's blog, she said that she was "tagged" and that, "In this version of tag you have to list 6 things about yourself that are 'weird' that no one knows."

Then, she "tagged" me. I responded in her comments section by saying...

"Now, how does this friggin' 'tag' thing work? You just have to say "tag" on your blog and I have to do whatever it is you say?

Remember when Clinton was president and we had 'choice?' Remember when America's biggest concern was jizz on a dress?"

But since G.W. is still in office...

...and seriously folks, we're only two bullets away from President Pelosi - - Won't someone "take one for the team" and just shoot those two motherfuckers named Dick and Dubya and give us our fucking country back?!?!?"

...I guess I now must obey the Blog Rules of the Tag and respond.

So, here goes.

Six Things That Are Weird About Me That No One Knows

(This will be hard for me because... well... define "weird.")

1) I am a HUGE James Bond freak. So much so that when TBS or Spike TV does one of those "Seven Day of 007" things where they play Bond movies in repetition over and over, I can flip the channel and in 1 to 2 seconds tell you exactly which one of the 21 Bond movies it is.

And for the record, NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN and the first CASINO ROYALE are NOT official Bond movies in my book because they were not made by Eon Productions.

See? That's how much of a Bond freak I am.

P.S. I own that James Bond Movie Posters book.

2) I TiVo more cartoons than you can imagine.

This is primarily because of my comic book addiction, so these days I don't miss a Saturday morning episode of THE BATMAN or THE LEGION OF SUPERHEROES.

Last Saturday's LEGION episode was particularly good. Any time you get to see Matter- Eater Lad, it's a good day.

3) I have a fear of / hatred for performing or singing on the spot in front of people who did not buy a ticket for the express purpose of seeing me perform.

One example is performing at Davenport's in the front piano bar area. I will sing my hind end off in the back during one of my cabaret shows because the people in that room came there to hear me sing. But when I'm asked to get up and sing a song or two in front of the loud, drunk people in the piano bar, I decline.

My father never understands this. When he's drunk, which is 90% of the time, he'll open his wallet and throw a wad of cash at me and say, "Now, you'll sing, boy." No Sir, I won't.

I'm not sure if it's stage fright or if I just don't want to be one of those friggin' actors who has to be front and center all the goddamn time, but I only want to perform when everyone in the room is there for a performance. Odd? Yeah... I know...

4) Most of the theatre work I did in and around college was classical work - - no musical theatre or comedy. This may not be "weird" to some people, but it just proves that once people...

...and by people, I mean "directors, casting directors, agents and all of those 'learned professionals' who determine the course of actors' lives"...

...once "people" have labeled you as "this" or "that," they rarely if ever give you a chance to do anything else. And that, my dear, sucks.

5) My great- great- grandfather on my father's side was left on the steps of the Rader household with a note that I imagine said something like, "Please take care of my baby." The family took him in as one of their own and he became a Rader.

So, I don't really have a family tree - - I have a family shrub.

Yes, Southern Gothic themes just DRIP all over my life.

And last but not least...

6) I have really big balls.

Seriously. Really, really big.

That weird enough for ya?

And apparently, having fulfilled my obligation since being "tagged," I now must "tag" other bloggers.

However, I am adding Rader's Rules of Etiquette to this little tag game and I will allow those I now tag to decline if they do not wish to participate. So, there. Nyah.

I tag Michael (MK), Lance, and Mike. Oy...

My Talented Bea!

In my ongoing attempt to convince myself that karma is not just the name of a chameleon, that kismet is more than a crappy musical and that good things do actually happen to good people...

...as opposed to good things happening constantly to liars, cheats and assholes (a.k.a. "Dick Cheney")...

...I love it when life provides me with the opportunity to say "Congratulations" to my friends when life rewards them with a wish fulfilled.

So, I am so happy to report that...

Ms. Bea made it into MORTIFIED Chicago!!!

A few weeks ago, I had dinner - - and WAY too much tequila - - with Bea the night before her audition for a Chicago presentation of MORTIFIED.

MORTIFIED is "a showcase of people reading aloud their most embarrassing, REAL teenage diary entries, poems, love letters, lyrics and locker notes... in front of total strangers."

Bea's diary entries are extremely funny. I knew she was THE perfect fit for this event and I am so happy and excited for her!

Here's all the info:

WHAT: Mortified Chicago
WHEN: Wednesday, March 28, 2007
TIME: 8:00 PM
VENUE: Green Mill Jazz Lounge
ADDRESS: 4802 N. Broadway Ave., 60640

COST: 10

GET TICKETS:
By Web: Order Online
By Phone: 877-238-5596

Join me at the Green Mill on March 28th!

Bea is going to make us laugh so hard, we'll probably pee our pants.

You think that crazy astronaut lady will give us a couple of her Depends?

Hurtful Words

I am so sorry.

Please accept this posting as my official apology to everyone who has been affected by my most heinous actions.

Yesterday, in my posting about Britney Spears "new 'doo" - - or lack thereof - - I asked if perhaps Ms. Spears shaved her head in an effort to look like Demi Moore in G.I. JANE.

That was the beginning of my nightmare.

Similar to the dreaded conjuring of BETTLEJUICE, my posting of the words (and I apologize for having to write them once again) G.I. JANE threw the cosmos into chaos. And you, the cable television viewer, are the ones who have paid the price for my senseless action.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am the one responsible for the noon to 2:00 p.m. airing of G.I. JANE on WGN-TV today!

I deeply regret that this has happened. I was overwhelmed by my emotions and wrote those words without thinking. Those words, that movie title, is offensive. I offer my deepest apologies to everyone I have hurt with my actions.

In keeping with the trend of 2007, I, of course, will be entering a rehabilitation program.

Unfortunately, I am currently on a waiting list. I sincerely hope that Isaiah Washington and Lindsay Lohan are released from their treatments very soon. I want to start fixing the broken pieces of my soul.






Off the record, can I say one thing? Why didn't Isaiah and Lindsay go to the Kwik- E - Mart rehab like our good friend Ted Haggard? They could have dealt with their homophobia and kicked their alcohol addiction, respectively, in a mere three weeks?



As Bill Maher said last Friday on REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER regarding Mr. Haggard's intensive three week "Pray the Gay Away" rehab retreat...

"Give us a week.
We'll take out the gay!"

Brazillian for Britney's "Downstairs" / Clippers for "Upstairs"

I used to have a really great joke that I put into SEUSSICAL.

Notice that the above sentence is in the past tense.

As a Seussian auctioneer selling off Horton and his egg to the highest bidder...

...yes, you do need at least one cocktail before attending this 10:30 a.m. production...

...I used to end the sequence by saying...

"I see we have a bidder. Yes, the lovely woman in the back with the blond hair and the two small children. Ohmigosh! It's BRITNEY SPEARS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Sold to Britney Spears!!!"

But then, the soon- to- be ex- Mrs. K-Fed went...

...well, I don't want to use the word "insane"... I prefer the term used by psychologists and social workers at the top of their field - - "cuckoo panties"

Yes, Britney went all "cuckoo panties" and shaved her head...


...I guess in an effort to look more like Sinead O'Connor...


...or Demi Moore in G.I. JANE...


...or me...


Whatever her idiotic reasoning was for cutting off all her hair, NOW I'M OUT OF A REALLY GOOD JOKE!

Thanks a lot, you stupid hillbilly wreck of a former pop star.

This image from Gallery of the Absurd almost makes up for it, though...

almost...

UNWRITTEN

It was during one of my weekly TiVo'ings of A&E's BREAKFAST WITH THE ARTS that I first saw and heard Natasha Bedingfield and her song, UNWRITTEN.

And every time I hear it, I become happy and optimistic...

...and I start dancing.

Yes, me. Happy. Optimistic. Dancing.

These are words that usually describe a person I would glare at, shake my head and say...

"You know what he needs? Constipation, two years with my ex and a facial scar."

You see, I don't really believe it when people are happy all the damn time. Makes me think that when they're at home and away from the public eye, they sew, collect moths, and keep repeating a stupid rhyme that goes "It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again."

Moderate happiness, however, I accept and aspire to achieve daily.

No, seriously. I do... Oh, bite me.

I think this song, UNWRITTEN, makes me happy because it's about hope and new beginnings - - the idea that today is a clean slate and a fresh start.

The lyrics repeat...

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still
Unwritten

Incredible lyrics on their own. But hearing Natasha sing them... well...

I get happy. Optimistic. And I start dancing.




P.S. The cynic in me refuses to end this post without this quote.

Regarding "today" being a "clean slate" and a "fresh start"...

"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life."
- George Carlin

Justin + Stephen = JuStephen

I've said it before and I'll say it again...

The internet does NOT lie!

Your inner rock star is Justin Timberlake!

Who's Your Inner Rock Star?

Brought to you by Tickle

Here's the description of my Inner Rock Star...

No one's gonna cry a river for a rock star like you. Like your music match, Justin Timberlake, you're a sweet soul with a sexy side. You're all about having a good time and showing the world that the boy-next-door has the confidence and charisma to make it big. With your undeniable talent and big heart, it's no wonder you're bringing sexy back. Rock on!

I'm bringin' sexy back...

...ya'll

And.... I'm making an executive decision right now...

...well, at least one of my heads is making an executive decision...

...and this is it...

Justin Timberlake is my New Imaginary Boyfriend!

And unlike Britney Spears and Cameron Diaz, I'm gonna hold onto to Mr. Timberlake

That ain't no lie

Bye bye bye

Celebrate Reading

This morning, I have another appearance as The Cat in the Hat to promote Emerald City Theatre's CELEBRATE READING Program.

They have partnered with Random House and First Book and the governor's wife to bring books to children in need.

This year is the 50th Anniversary of The Cat in the Hat...

"I don't look a day over gorgeous"

... and for every birthday card that Emerald City Theatre receives for The Cat in the Hat, one book will be given to a child in need.

The statistic that startled me is that...

On average, children in middle-income neighborhoods have approximately 13 books per individual child.

In contrast, for low-income children, there is estimated to be 1 book for every 300 children.

So, make me a birthday card...

...and by "me," I mean The Cat in the Hat...

...and send it to Emerald City Theatre.

Then, buy me a drink.

And by "me," I mean the redneck homo.



Note: Use the "Celebrate Reading" link above to learn more about Emerald City's program and to find out how and where to send the birthday cards. The deadline is March 2nd!

BOX of CANDY

So, Valentine's Day isn't all that bad.

Look the box of candy my mother sent me today.

And by "box of candy," I don't mean one of those heart shaped things...

...I mean a BOX of CANDY!

I love you, Mama. Thank you

Sleepin' Single in a Double Bed

Around the first or second week of January last year, I was in the Walgreen's on Broadway and Belmont...

...and if you haven't been to this particular Walgreen's, run (don't walk) there and be sure that you wait in Maureen's line - - she talks to people, talks to what you're buying, sort of ANNOUNCES what you're buying to everyone in the store, sings along to the Muzak - - it's heaven under fluorescent lights and I adore her...

...and as I waited in Maureen's line, a man walked into the store and was immediately stopped by the huge aisle of Valentine's candies and cards and stuffed animals...

...and this is what he said... verbatim...

"Goddamn! Valentine's Day? FUCK!!"

And I couldn't agree more.

The only good thing about being single on Valentine's Day is the realization that this is the last of the long series of holidays where the world and Hallmark celebrate people who are in relationships...

...no matter how fucked up and destructive those relationships happen to be...

...and encourage single people to feel more and more like bastards at a family reunion.

As Lisa Lampanelli says when people talk to her after her show and ask for a free cd because this is their 30th wedding anniversary or some such bullshit...

"It's your wedding anniversary?

I'm 45 years old and single.

I'M NOT HAPPY FOR YOU!"

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone.

Who Needs Osiris? Give Me Captain Marvel, Jr.!

"Are you the Key Master?

I am the Gate Keeper."






















"Now Superman, can you show me where on the doll Captain Marvel, Jr. touched you?"


















"Thank you, Master Marvel, Jr.

May I have another?"
(in German, of course)

Note: I found these and about a gazillion other fabulous images at SuperDickery.com. Check it out!!!

The names comes from the image gallery that started this site - - comic book covers and panels proving once and for all that "Superman is a dick!"