A gay actor / director / fundraiser / cabaret singer / lesbian-esque guitar player from the hills of East Tennessee, living in Chicago and looking for... wait... what is it I'm looking for again?
I can just hear the guy who made this saying? "Get it? Lucky. The shooting star. The horseshoe. Get it?"
"Yeah, yeah," I would reply. "You're slightly clever. What do you want? A fucking award? Will somebody get this guy a Clever Medallion, please." Obviously, I don't LOVE the design of the t-shirt. I just want dude IN the t-shirt.
I want to hold his balls in my mouth. As a friend.
I've seen several bizarre, sexually disturbing, yet more-than-a-little titillating comic book panels featuring the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder, but this one is new to me.
New to the adult me, anyway. I'm sure I saw this panel when I was kid. It explains so much.
To all the guys who wondered why I brought them back to my place, turned down the lights and asked them to join me in "puncturing" a watermelon painted to look like a giant lemon, here you go.
I was walking into the Jewel (the grocery store, not the singer), and there it was - - what so many of us search for, but so few of us find.
A Girl Scout. Selling actual boxes of Girl Scout Cookies!
And she had SEVERAL boxes of Thin Mints available for purchase!!!
Don't judge. Thin Mints (the Girl Scouts' obviously-named diet cookies) are exciting stuff for me. So exciting that I think I scared my neighborhood Girl Scout when, instead of "Hello," I started the conversation with a bombastic, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!?"
Luckily, she was with her mother and her mother laughed and quickly positioned boxes of Thin Mints between the crazy, bald, gay man and her child.
I bought four boxes. And the second I got home, they went into my freezer. Right beside the vodka and the poppers.
“Share three classic movie moments that have, in some shape or form, made you buy things, do things, think things that perhaps you shouldn't have.”
So many to choose from, but here is a random sampling of three, in no particular order...
1) Scarlett's "I'll Worry About That Tomorrow" mantra in "Gone with the Wind"...
Why? When things get rough in my life, I often follow Scarlett's lead, deny anything is wrong and convince myself that I'll definitely deal with it tomorrow. That is, if it hasn't gone away on its own. (Note: This rarely works in my favor. Ever.)
Scarlett may have lost Rhett Butler, but she procrastinated and at the end, she has Tara, while I'm in a basement apartment with curtains that don't necessarily lend themselves to being taken out of the window and worn into town.
An attempt was made to make my curtains into a dress, but the result was... Yeah...
If you think it looks bad on here, imagine what it looked like on me! If your stomach can take the mental image, that is.
2) The dance audition at the beginning of "All That Jazz"...
Why? For all the times I've watched that scene and then actually attended a dance call! Where I stood in the front during the combination!
But when I'm cut, I always say what the two girls in the movie say right after they're cut from the audition...
First Dancer: "Fuck him! He never picks me!"
Second Dancer:
"Honey, I DID fuck him, and he never picks me, either!"
Why? This is the scene where Brenda screams, "Thank God for small favors!" in reference to her tits. It's hysterical. And I believed her. But in real life, physical "small favors" are...?
Well, they're hysterical, but more in the "laughing at you" way than the "laughing with you."
****
Thanks to Stephen for tagging me. Instead of tagging anyone, I'll leave it open for anyone to take up the challenge. Just let me know when you post your answers.
P.S. Yes, it's a stretch to call anything in "Zorro, the Gay Blade" a "classic movie moment," but I wanted to send my girl Brenda some love. Cut me some slack.
Yesterday, I met Amy Matheny for a late brunch at Taste of Heaven.
I hadn't expected it, but the lovely, charming waiter had me at "Elvis Presley French Toast."
Yep, French Toast with peanut butter and bananas, topped with powdered sugar, syrup and bacon. Yes, bacon.
I was tempted to go back this morning in hopes that they would have the same special today, but I don't know if the zipper on my already straining jeans could have taken it.
Okay, I've wanted Channing Tatum to throw me down six ways to Sunday and treat me like the bitch I am ever since his tight-bodied self first started showing up in all things media related, but now...
Now, I'm kinda in love with him.
Watch his little video about all the romantic things he does for his wife.
And speaking of - - WIFE?!?
I didn't know he was married. To a woman!!! But now that I do, she should know one thing: Don't let Channing ("I've got abs that could grate cheese") Tatum talk publicly about how romantic he is. All that does is force home wreckers like me to try and steal your man. We don't want to, but now, you've given us no choice.
Come on, who DOESN'T want a hot, sweet, caring, romantic man with an ass hot enough to almost make "G.I. Joe" watchable? (Almost)
P.S. This past Halloween, I seriously thought about putting on a mock-G.I. Joe costume and adding a blonde wig, white opera gloves, diamonds everywhere and bright red lipstick so that I could be Carol Channing Tatum.
Yes, this little site lets you write the dialogue for this comic book panel. And the second I saw it, I knew what I wanted to write.
Actually, I didn't write it, I just grabbed the quote from a famous movie scene. Sure, it's an obvious choice, but the thought of Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford playing Batman slapping Rutanya Alda playing Ann Blyth playing Robin was too faggy and fanboyish to pass up!
I'm not quite sure how I found my way there, but one of my favorite blogs these days is Comics Make No Sense, written by Adam Barnett. I HIGHLY recommend that you check it out.
"Highly" is the optimal word, because the comic panels that Adam posts are so bizarre and his writing is so hilarious, I always end up giggling and then horse-laughing as if I'd had a few tokes on the old "mowee-wowee."
And If Jungle Batman and Robin here aren't enough to convince you, go take a gander at Batman and the Joker's Boners.
I'm so not making that up. Batman's Boner. Ready for you to see.
For all those straight, white men who keep whining that they no longer hold any power in this country, the always brilliant Samantha Bee tells it like it is...
"Attention, Middle Aged Vagina Men!
"Sack the fuck up!
"Seriously, you're turning me into a lesbian!"
Also in this clip, Ms. Bee says what I think we've all been waiting to hear...
"So, we need to give our sons
permission to be puss-wads."
I never waited to get permission to be a puss-wad. I was a puss-wad when puss-wads weren't cool.
Of course, looking at the picture, "This one was a toughie" could possibly be a caption. Not at Caption Contest winner, but a caption nonetheless.
Choosing a winner was tough because there were SO MANY good captions to choose from. From Philip's "I miss the hell outta that dog," to Nick's possible twice-winning caption, "No one had the heart to tell grandpa it wasn't a real boy." But as I read over all the entries just now, one made me laugh, possibly a little too hard. And the caption / new song lyric that Philip wrote just won't go out of my head...
"Cuz I got one hand in ma pocket. /
And the other one is rubbing a wall schlong."
It just makes me giggle. A lot. I almost hope that Philip would re-write the rest of the lyrics to that song so that I could sing it. Somewhere.
Sure, singing the new lyrics to an audience of people who've never seen this picture would be like trying to understand all the inside jokes at your spouse's office Christmas party, but it would make me laugh. And quite frankly, if I laugh at my own jokes, I score that as a Win.
The picture I've chosen for the #46 Caption Contest is, in my opinion, hotter to look at, but somehow much more disturbing than a Wilford Brimley look-alike petting a gigantic, wall-mounted, wooden elephant cock...
Two new t-shirts from Threadless that I love. Sort of.
