"Who Are You? Perry Mason?!?"

Not to make light of David Carradine's tragic death, but do we really need to wait two more weeks for some CSI: Miami, Horatio Caine-wannabe to to slowly put on his sunglasses and let us know what caused David's death?

This Fox News article about the investigation into Mr. Carradine's death is both obvious and ridiculous. Sure, "ridiculous" is a given for any Fox News story, but this... it's special...

Here's the story with my comments in bold...

"An independent autopsy conducted on David Carradine’s body concluded that the actor did not commit suicide."

Now, when a hanging is not considered suicide, only two things come to mind - - foul play and/or Michael Hutchence.

Let's read on...

"Dr. Michael Baden, who performed the autopsy, said that the final results of the cause of death would likely be available 'within a week or two.'

Two weeks... Damn! Why so long, doc?

"'In any death, before arriving at a final cause, one has to gather not only the autopsy results, but also the findings at the scene of the death, the crime lab information and the toxicology results. In this situation, some of those investigations have not been completed yet,' Baden said. 'But the information we now have does rule out a suicide.'"

Okay. That's murky. What exactly is the "information" you have now?

"Last Friday, police said the actor may have died from accidental suffocation or heart failure after revealing that he was found with a rope tied around his neck and penis — leading to speculation that Carradine may have engaged in a dangerous form of sex play known as auto-erotic asphyxiation."

Wait a minute, wait a minute...

This man was found dead, naked & hanging with a rope not only around his neck but also around his cock & you're saying he MAY have died from accidental suffocation?!?

MAY have?!?

That's like saying that Catharine the Great MAY have died from extensive internal bleeding after her horse fucked her, rode her hard and put her up wet.

"Pornthip Rojanasunand, director of Thailand's Central Institute of Forensic Science, said the circumstances under which Carradine died suggest the 72-year-old actor may have indeed been performing auto-erotic asphyxiation. The practice involves temporarily cutting off the supply of oxygen to the brain to heighten the effects of a sexual climax."

I'm sorry to revert back to my middle school-self, but the "circumstances... suggest" he was "performing auto-erotic asphyxiation"?!?

Ummm... No duh! Ya think?!?

"'In some cases it can suggest murder, too. But sometimes when the victim is naked and in bondage, it can suggest that the victim is doing it to himself,' said Pornthip, considered the country's top criminal forensics expert. She did not take part in the autopsy.

You find me naked with a rope around my neck and my cock and that "suggests" murder?!? Sweetie...

If a man intending to murder me strips me naked, puts a rope around my neck and cock and starts jerking me off while cutting off my air, I only hope that he will give me a little time to put everything I own in his name, because a man like that is a keeper.

I mean.... for as long as I'm breathing, that is...

Or finding me like that "suggests" that I did it to myself? Quick question...

If I'm found dead with my own fist up my ass, will that "suggest" that I did it to myself?

Or will it "suggest" that I was looking for my car keys?

"'If you hang yourself by the neck, you don't need so much pressure to kill yourself,' she said. 'Those who get highly sexually aroused tend to forget this fact.'"

As I've written before, there have been times when I've been so "highly sexually aroused" that I not only saw Jesus, but I also had lunch with him. And we split a chocolate crème brûlée for dessert. But even then, even when I was in the center of ultimate, mind-numbing, soul-stretching pleasure, I never forgot the importance of breathing.

Because without a clear air passage and deep breaths taken from the mouth, that ultimate pleasure could turn painful and ugly very fast. With someone screaming at me, "Relax. Damn it, relax! I can't get my fucking hand out! RELAX!!!"