"And It Was Grand Just To Stand With His..."

A few years ago, I was drinking with my friend Dawn-Marie on a Sunday afternoon at Sidetrack.

For the non-Chicagoans, Sidetrack is a gay video bar and on Monday nights and Sunday afternoons, they play hours and hours of musical theatre clips. It may sound like Hell to you, but from my first visit, I knew that I had found my people.

Also, they serve fruit-flavored vodka slushies. It's what I hope heaven will be.

It was one of the summer holiday weekends and the bears were in town (gay bears, not football bears). I'm pretty sure that every single bear visiting Chicago was in Sidetrack on this particular Sunday and I loved it. There is nothing better than a room full of sweaty, hairy, bare-chested bears singing "Oklahoma!" at the top of their lungs.

Dawn-Marie and I were in the middle of the main room and I looked up at the slightly raised balcony-like area to our right to see two very hot bears, naked from the waist up. One was sitting on a stool and the other was standing beside him, kissing the seated bear all over.

Their kissing was very hot, but that wasn't what caught my eye. You see, the one standing had his jeans unbuttoned. All the way. No underwear to keep the breeze from hitting his boys or me from staring at his stuff. I could almost see all of it. He was about to let it all hang out. I was mesmerized.

I tapped Dawn-Marie on the shoulder - - pointing out the hot "just above the floor" floor show - - and just as we looked up, the seated bear went down on the nearly naked standing bear. I was stunned. Amazed. Jealous.

Then - - and this is the absolute truth - - the video changed and the entire bar was filled with Judy Garland singing The Trolley Song.

The bear blowjob meets Judy's Trolley Song. The homosexual equivalent of "crossing the streams."

I looked at Dawn-Marie and said...

"Well, this is the gay conundrum. What do we watch? Judy or the blowjob?"

Dawn-Marie took a drag of her cigarette and said...

"Oh honey, you've got THIS on tape. Watch the blowjob!"

My television choices tonight remind me of that brilliant Sunday afternoon.

Even though I have TiVo and even though I know that Bravo will run the finale over and over for the next 82 years...

What do I watch?

The Project Runway finale or the final McCain / Obama debate?

I know, I know... Reclaim the White House BEFORE you conquer Bryant Park.

But wouldn't life be so much better if Nina Garcia was the debate moderator?