Blonde and Blue-Eyed Bond

I love movies.

Steve Martin's character in THE GRAND CANYON says something like, "All of life's riddles can be solved in the movies."

While I may not go quite that far, my one and only super power seems to be the quick and easy memorization of lines from movies - - my own personal arsenal of wit and wisdom to unleash on unsuspecting passersby.

But movies get me in trouble. There I'll be, sitting in a movie house with "all of those wonderful people out there in the dark" and I suddenly become uber-gay. As Karen Walker said once on WILL AND GRACE, "gayer than a clutch purse on Tony night."

Those of you who know that the line, "all of those wonderful people out there in the dark" is a Norma Desmond SUNSET BOULEVARD line realize just how much of a gayrod I am most of the time. Imagine that kind of faggotry multiplied by a Tommy Tune and then adding to that three Rip Taylors, a Clay Aiken and half a Jim J. Bullock. That's what I'm like in a movie theatre and that's SOME gay!

For example:

1) On the opening day of the film version of CHICAGO, I stood up - - no exaggeration, I stood UP - - in the theatre in the middle of packed house of mostly straight people at the end of THE CELL BLOCK TANGO and screamed...

"Worth the price of admission!"

The stares, folks. The stares...

2) At the first midnight showing of BATMAN BEGINS, not only did I have to stifle an orgasmic moan when Christian Bale was shirtless in bed, but during the trailer for THE DUKES OF HAZZARD movie, I cheered and clapped when the Amazon Princess herself, Lynda Carter, surprised me on the screen. You were with me, Mike and you applauded too!

3) A few years ago, at a Mother's Day showing of MOMMIE DEAREST at The Music Box Theatre here in Chicago which featured a pre-show talk by Ms. Christina Crawford herself, I was shouting so many of the lines word-for-word along and in sync with Faye Dunaway that the straight guy with his girlfriend sitting in front of me (and yes, just how straight could he be if he's watching MOMMIE DEAREST on Mother's Day, but I digress) turned around and said, "How do you know all of these lines?" and I replied...

"I'm a homosexual. I can't throw a ball, but I can do this."

4) My most recent "uber-gay out" came just a few months ago during the torture scene in CASINO ROYALE when Daniel Craig is tied to a wooden chair naked with his muscles rippling. Rip-Pling. I was all alone at a Saturday matinee, and this time, the orgasmic moan was not stifled. It shot out of my mouth and it was loud. I mean, LOUD.

Those of you with whom I have had sex know that I'm rather verbal.

And if I wasn't verbal with you... well, let's just say if you want hot water, you've got to know how to turn the dial.

Today I purchased me some CASINO ROYALE in all it's widescreen dvd glory, and now this little old dvd is helping me re-live my movie-based orgasmic moan over and over again... in slow motion... frame by "Dear sweet Jesus, Daniel Craig is HOT!" frame.

Watch it. I'll even loan you my copy if you want.

Just don't get lube on the disc.

I've ruined way too many Shane Rollins dvd's with all that Eros on my fingers.