Ronald McDonald is Hot!

I saw this posted on Jockohomo and I couldn't resist sharing it with all of you. I love it!

Hot Ronald McDonald: "Open your snack hole."

Stephen: "I thought you'd never ask."

Papa, Can You Hear Me?

Today is Vincente Minnelli's birthday.

What? You're asking, "Who is Vincente Minnelli?"

Careful, your sexual orientation is showing.

One Vincente + One Judy = One Liza!

Vincente Minnelli.

Liza's Dad.

In Mario Cantone's BRILLIANT one- man show LAUGH WHORE, he cleverly compares Vincente Minnelli to another important man in Liza's life - - her ex- husband, David Gest.

You remember David Gest, right? Come on, people.

David "I Married Liza Minnelli and All I Got Was a Punch in the Face, Botox and This Lousy T-shirt" Gest.

Yeah, him.

Well, as these photos show, Vincente's similarity to Mr. Gest reveals a lot about our girl, Liza.

"Dr. Jung?
Elektra Complex - Line 1."

Wanda in Chicago

Wanda is coming.

You comic book fans probably think I'm talking about the Scarlet Witch, Wanda Maximoff.

Damn this cover is hot! I'm a Kinsey Six and I wanna do her!






You Comedy Central fans probably think I'm talking about Wanda Sykes.

What in the Hell is Wanda Sykes doing with Elaine Stritch? Hey Elaine, lose that damn hat!

I would rather see you wearing Jennifer Hudson's "Kneel before Zod!" silver jacket from the Red Carpet than see you in the same hat you wore when your drunken ass recorded the Original Cast Album of COMPANY in 1970!!!

You music fans probably think I'm talking about Wanda Jackson, the Queen of Rock- a- billy.

"Fujiyama Mama," anyone?

Sorry. None of the above.

But to be fair, you music fans are close.

As this picture from this past Halloween proves, the Wanda that I'm talking about is DEFINITELY a Country Queen.

My mom is coming to Chicago from Friday, March 9th to Tuesday, March 13th!

For those of you who live in the Windy City, the scheduling of dinners and cocktails with Mama Wanda begins now!

I have to tell you, I'm nervous. My mother hasn't visited me in Chicago in nearly four years, which means she hasn't seen me perform in four years. She will be attending SEUSSICAL on Saturday, March 10th at 10:30 a.m.

I rarely if ever get stage fright any more. I can perform in front of just about anyone and not be nervous at all, but since I so rarely perform for either of my parents or my brother, "nervous, happy, scared, excited" describes exactly how I will feel the morning of March 10th.

I can't wait!!

A Win for Al Gore

Al Gore has an Oscar.

Now, the former Vice President, Three 6 Mafia and Martin Scorsese are all tied at One Academy Award a piece.

And for the record, Dolly Parton was robbed of her Oscar last year. Robbed! The lyrics of the winning Three 6 Mafia song are...

It's hard out here for a pimp,
When you're tryin' to make the money for the rent.

"Pimp" and "Rent" DON'T RHYME! What the fuck?!?!?

In response to Al Gore's Oscar win, Joy Behar had this to say on THE VIEW yesterday...

“It’s a good thing the Oscars are not held in Florida or he would have lost.”

And in response to Al Gore's... ummmm... newfound girth...

...oh, come on... you noticed it too...

...I thought his ass was REALLY huge, but then I realized I was just looking at Tipper...



...Jon Stewart had this to say on THE DAILY SHOW last night...

“Here’s ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ - -
Cake isn’t a food group!”

It's a Piggy World

There is no better way to start your day than by turning on the tv at 7:30 a.m. and seeing one of your friends singing and dancing dressed as a pig.

Yep, that's right. Ms. Coon is at it again.

She and the cast of THE TRUE STORY OF THE 3 LITTLE PIGS at Lifeline Theatre are all over WGN-TV this morning, promoting their show and singing their snouts off.




When I became an actor, no one warned me that a man my age can turn on the tv, see a friend dressed as a pig singing and dancing and not be shocked in the least.

Anyone else in any other profession would see a friend dressed as a pig on tv and immediately think...

"I've gotta stop sniffing glue."

An Oscar Surprise

There was no walking over the top of the seats to get to the stage.

There were no "One Arm Push ups" by Jack Palance.

No one said, "Hello gorgeous!," or "I'm the king of the world!," or "You like me! You really like me!"

Oscar, for all the hype of him being at his "most diverse," was about as interesting as Miracle Whip on Wonder Bread.

The biggest and most pleasant surprise of my evening was that the Oscar party I attended with Kelli and her boyfriend was hosted by none other than fellow blogger, Jeremy. Thank you, Jeremy, for hosting a wonderful party. It was perfection.

And Ms. Mortified herself, Bea, was in attendance. What more could a boy want?

Of course, we were all excited that our Chicago girl went home a winner...

...and thank the Lord she lost the "Ming the Merciless" demi- jacket she was sporting on the Red Carpet...

...did Beyonce's mom make that for her? Geez...

But we all recoiled in terror at "The Bow That Drove Keith Urban To Drink" worn by Ms. Nicole "pulled so tight she has to bend her knees to chew" Kidman.

Fashion Tip: Never wear a bow bigger than your ex- husband.

"This is Our Once-A-Year Day"

The lovely Kelli Morgan has invited me to go with her and her boyfriend to an Oscar Party in Rogers Park.

So, I just walked through the sleet and snow and icy sidewalks of Boystown to go to Kafka to buy a couple of bottles of reasonably priced wine to bring with me.

And by "reasonably priced," I mean "cheap."


I have this to report:

The fags are out in numbers!

Buying booze, scuttling into bars to stake their claim to barstools in prime locations...

I saw friends sitting in the windows of bars. I saw friends getting out of cars to dash to the Chicago Gay Men's Chorus' event at Sidetrack. I saw friends finishing up their early dinners at HB.

It's Homo High Holy Day, folks!!!

Other Homo High Holy Days include (but are not limited to):

____________

Halloween

That's my friend Michael of "The Fashion Police" on the right.
Hey Michael, Angie Dickinson there is taller than you!

____________

Gay Pride Day
(obviously)

I don't know these boys from Chicago's Gay Pride Parade, but... don't they look a little lost? Or a lot whiny?

"Brent, like, how much, like, longer do we have to, like, wear these, like, wings? The straps are, like, totally gonna, like,
fuck up my, like, tan!"

____________

And my personal favorite Homo High Holy Day...

International Mr. Leather
(This one is Chicago specific)


Yeah, just a picture of the boots. I'll allow your imagination to drift... upwards...

____________

So, I'm off to drink wine to counter- act the effects of watching Ryan Seacrest and Giuliana DePandi...

...they always cause me to have a little "throw up" in my mouth...

"Seacrest out!"

Note: Extra credit to the person who knows where the title of this posting comes from.

Something Completely Different

Friday night, I was treated to something unique and completely new.

No, not that. Dear Lord, does EVERYTHING have to be about sex?

Well, yes, everything DOES have to be about sex, but in this instance, it's not.

Jason Bowen emailed me at Season of Concern and invited me to his theatre company's latest production.

Nothing extraordinary about that except that his theatre company is Quest Theatre Ensemble, whose mission is "making theater available to everyone," meaning admission to the play is 100% free...

...and the Quest's current production is the age old melodrama THE DRUNKARD with music and lyrices by the one, the only...

Barry Manilow!

Yes... that Barry Manilow.

"Oh, Mandy. You came and you gave without takin'..."

I'm sorry. I had a Manilow Moment. I'm back.

I had no idea what to expect... I mean a melodrama with music by Manilow?... and I was blown away by the production, the performances, the audience participation, the incredible voices, the brilliant choreography, the amazing set and costumes and puppets and masks - - the whole evening was the most fun I have had in the theatre in a long, long time.

Jason and his friends at Quest are doing something truly different - - theatre that is available to EVERYONE! That was evidenced as I walked up to the theatre and held the door open for two women and their four children. From what I could tell, they lived in the neighborhood and had walked to the theatre to see the show.

And since this is a melodrama, the Master of Ceremonies (Josh Hoover with a wit as dry as a Noel Coward martini) encourages the audience to swoon for the Damsel (the beautiful Amy Stelle), cheer for the Hero (Jason himself - - brilliant as always) and to "boo" and "hiss" and throw popcorn at the Villain (the wildly funny and incredibly talented Keith Cavanaugh).

The theatre was packed and the audience dove into the melodrama - - especially the kids I met at the front door. They were giggling and laughing and cowering from the Villain when he walked towards them. Everyone - - EVERYONE - - was having an incredible time.

Now, when is the last time you saw EVERYONE having a blast at a play?

So, if anyone would like to go to see THE DRUNKARD, let me know and I will gladly go back to see it with you. It runs through March 25th.

And if you've got some extra cash you want to give to a theatre company who is doing something truly different in this city, donate to Quest. They have definitely made it to the top of my donation list!

By the by, the Villain, Mr. Cavanaugh, had one of the funniest asides of the night - - so funny, I actually pulled out my notebook and wrote it down.

After an act and a half of the audience pelting him over and over with popcorn galore, he stood in the middle of the center aisle of the audience dead center in the spotlight and said...

"You're just throwin' all that popcorn at me to butter me up."

Mr. Cavanaugh - your next cocktail is on me!

Launching the League

My father has a saying...


...which is sort of a "Ferengi" faith in Capitalism and 100% true.

On one of my birthdays when I was a teenager, my father and I were sitting at the bar at the gone- but- not- forgotten- Ruby Tuesday's on Kingston Pike when he got the spur of the moment idea to go to L'Orangerie for dinner.

L'Orangerie was, and I believe still is, the only 5- star restaurant in Knoxville - - a very "fah- fah," very fancy, very "ounce of pretension worth a pound of manure" kind of place.

I told my father that we couldn't go there dressed in jeans, t- shirts and our Members Only jackets (It was the 80's, ok? Back off). My father said...

"Hell, son, our money's green! I've been kicked out of better places!"

And you know, he was right. And even though he mangled the pronunciation of the French wine we were having and I dropped the pepper shaker into my soup du jour, our meal there was perfection.

Money does talk, and finally the big dogs of Corporate America have realized that we comic book fans spend a lot of money to read about our favorite superhero characters, and more importantly to them, we will spend a lot more money to SEE those characters on the silver screen.

When it works, it REALLY works, as evidenced by both SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE, X-MEN 2, BATMAN BEGINS, SUPERMAN RETURNS, and both Spider-Man movies.

What DOESN'T work is when these movie moguls decide it's ok to take characters we know and love and fuck with them...




► SUPERMAN 2 where Supes takes the "S" off his chest and throws it at the Phantom Zone escapees... "Dude, what the Hell was that?!?!?!"...

► BATMAN AND ROBIN where Batgirl is suddenly Alfred Pennyworth's niece and NOT Commissioner Gordon's daughter... that coupled with the horrific casting of Alicia Silverstone as Babs... "Holy Fucking Clueless, Batman!"...

► X-MEN 3 where The Phoenix is just a Sybil- esque second personality of Jean Grey's, nobody even bothers to ask Jean how the Hell she's not dead, Cyclops and Professor X get "telekines'ed" to death (or something) and The Phoenix, a creature who in the comic books has the power to destroy universes, is killed by Wolverine... friggin' WOLVERINE?!?!?!? As my friend Ted White said outloud to the cheers of everyone at the midnight showing the night this movie premiered, "THIS SUCKS!"

...or they completely change everything about them...

► CATWOMAN anyone? That movie and that performance should be grounds for rescinding Halle Berry's Oscar. Michelle Pfeiffer was sitting at home laughing...

So, with Josh Whedon no longer penning the script to the much hoped for WONDER WOMAN movie, my feelings about the following are a mix of joy and apprehension...


Warner Bros. has hired two writers to create a script for a JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA movie.

Mike mentioned this on his blog and dared them to include The Wonder Twins. Since Variety posted this JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED cover, I'm not daring, I'm BEGGING them to keep Vibe and Gypsy out of the fucking picture!






Let's keep it to the big guns, shall we. Anyone seen here in this Alex Ross image is fair game, but no Plastic Man...

...no Ambush Bug...

...and sweet Jesus, please no Snapper Carr...

...Snapper is the JarJar Binks of DC Comics.





And even though THE SUPERFRIENDS were sort of like JLA, let's have The Watchtower and not The Hall of Justice and send Gleek to the front lines of the Rann- Thanagar War.



And while I want a legitimate treatment of the JLA, something like this might be fun too.

Hell, anything is better Ben Affleck's DAREDEVIL.

"He Thinks He's Ethel Merman"

Ethel Merman is alive and well.

I love the Merm.

One day, I want I go to one of those trendy bars where they raffle off the chance for you to be the "D.J. for the Night" by plugging your iPod into their sound system, win the lottery and force everyone there to be a part of my personal MERMA- THON!

It's a dream I will make happen.

Legend has it that, standing backstage one night, someone rushed up to her and said, "Miss Merman, you're on!" Merman replied...

"I am? How am I doin'?

Or there's also that story of someone walking up to her after she came off stage from singing one of her big, belty show stoppers and saying, "How to you think the song went, Miss Merman?" Ethel's overly confident and heroically bitch response was...

"They clapped, didn't they?!?!"

It's nice to know that the Merman- ator is still with us...

...alive and wel...

...living the body of 10 year old boy.

There is hope for the world, yet!






Note: Watch this clip, bitches! "LOL" and "LMAO" and "FYMAHD"...

...that's "Fuck Your Mama And Her Donkey," FYI - - I made that one up...

... and the rest of the copies of "LOL" are used way too friggin' much by the kids born during the Clinton Administration.

But this clip of a young boy's Ethel Merman impersonation made me laugh in places I didn't know I had...

...and hopefully this weekend, I'll be exploring those places... a lot...

From General Lee to Jaguar

My father called me a 9:00 a.m. this morning to tell me that he was driving a Jaguar.

Now, let me just say this...

My father has an award hanging in his office boldly announcing to the world that he was chosen above all others to receive the title of...

"Ugliest Redneck of the Year"

...at the in the Year of Our Lord 1993.

All of that is true. For a time, there was an annual GOOD OLE' BOYS ROUNDUP in an undisclosed location in the Smokey Mountains.

They gave out awards like that - - "Ugliest Redneck of the Year.

And people wonder why the South lost the war.

So, when my father said he was driving a Jaguar, it was a more logical leap for me to envision my father saddled on the back of this...




...than to even entertain the thought that he was driving one of these into the parking lot a beer joint named SCOOTERS

My father calls SCOOTERS a "A Knife and Gun Club."

Because, as he says, "If you don't have a knife or a gun when you go in, they give you one at the door."

All that aside, my father was indeed driving a Jaguar. The car.

Apparently,his car needed some repair work, and his cousin, Herb..

...not a very redneck name, but that his name... maybe we should start calling him "Goober?"

...Herb gave my father a Jaguar as a "loaner" for the day. Hell, he may still be driving it if the repair work on his car took longer than expected.

Ya'll, my father might be driving a Jag all weekend long.

This is the second in a series of signs announcing The Rapture.

Think about it.

1) Britney shaved her head.

2) My father is driving a Jag.

Be aware. Be watchful for the other "signs."

For instance, if Cher actually ends her "Farewell Tour." I meant ENDS IT!!!...

...if hair starts growing on the top of my head...

...if Tyra Banks has one 5 minute period where she doesn't talk about herself...

...or if Patti LuPone starts singing... dare I say it - - CONSONANTS!!!!...

...if those things happen...

...well, in the words of REM, "Its the End of the World as We Know It."

And I gotta tell you - - if the world IS ending soon, I'm gonna be pissed that I bothered with all that recycling. Geez...

Sex Sells (Especially Comic Books)

Yesterday, I had my usual Wednesday evening walk over to Graham Cracker Comics on Madison to grab the latest issue of DC's 52...

...this week was a good one in "52- Land," thanks to a plot twist that I didn't see coming... then again, I was born blond, so don't judge...

...and the 7th and final issue of Marvel's CIVIL WAR...

...which, in my humble opinion, ended with all the pomp and circumstance of a barely audible fart...

...and as I scanned the titles to see what else I might want to purchase and "try out" for one or two issues, I came across this cover.

"Hello"

It's the 3rd printing cover of ANITA BLAKE: VAMPIRE HUNTER.

Now, this issue number one has been out for awhile, I'm sure...

...and I probably glanced over the 1st and 2nd printing covers and didn't even pick them up...

...but this boy definitely... ummmm... grabbed my attention.

I haven't even read the damn book yet, but with images like the cover above and this...

...you can be damn sure I will be scouring the city to find issues 2 and 3 of ANITA BLAKE: VAMPIRE HUNTER asap!

Note: It's too soon to tell, but "Mr. Blond Leather Boy in the Harness "might, just might, become My New Imaginary Boyfriend...

...as soon as I learn his name.

Where Did the Words "Gay" and "Lesbian" Go?

Have you seen the posters on CTA buses and trains for the Howard Brown Health Center?

This image to the left isn't the poster I'm talking about. This is the cover of their Annual Report, but it will do.

Maybe I'm overly sensitive and overly critical of them...

...I did go to Howard Brown once to have my blood drawn for an HIV test only to return two weeks later and have my doctor open the results and say...

"Well, they tested your blood for everything EXCEPT HIV.

Look at this way - - you don't have lupus!"

That being said, take a look at the cover of their Annual Report.

Now, for those of you who have seen it, think of those CTA ads. They are filled with fun, young people in different positions with lists of all of the things that Howard Brown does for the community like "case management, youth center, drug and alcohol treatment," etc., etc., etc.

Nowhere, but nowhere on that ad does it say anything about or mention the word GAY or LESBIAN or BISEXUAL or TRANSGENDER. Nowhere.

It may say "LGBT" but that's about it.

And on the cover of their Annual Report, it doesn't even say LGBT!

Inside this annual report, it says...

"The mission of Howard Brown is to promote the well- being of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender persons through the provision of health care and wellness programs, including clinical, educational, social service and research activities."

I know the word "fag" is too scary to print these days for some fucking reason, but is Howard Brown too scared to print the words "gay" or "lesbian" or "transgender" on their ads seen by the public at large?

Or do they just not want to make the "straights" uncomfortable?

Gettin' Piggy With It

Introductory Note: Yeah, I know. The title of this posting is a little too "I write for SEX AND THE CITY and we LOVE puns!," but I couldn't help myself.

She's doing it right now.

Alanda Coon...


...that's her on the right...


...looking slightly like a bewigged Karl Malden...


...is performing her first preview of THE TRUE STORY OF THE 3 LITTLE PIGS at this very minute.

I saw the final dress rehearsal last night and Ms. Coon, Katie McLean and the rest of the cast are hilarious.

I don't want to spoil it for you, but let's just say that Ms. Coon plays not one, not two, not three, but FOUR different pigs in this production.

One more pig character and Alanda can do a one- woman, pig- themed VILLAGE PEOPLE show.

It's so wrong, it's right! Go see her in this. You'll love her.

I have no idea what they're charging for tickets, but whatever it is, Alanda Coon playing FOUR DIFFERENT PIGS is WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION.

I mean, wouldn't you rather pay to see that than get a comp to see LEGENDS?

Really...

Oops! She Did It Again!

Through a new post on my friend Mike's blog, it has come to my attention that...

Britney has left rehab... Again!

This is the second time in a week that Ms. "Toxic" herself has checked out of rehab just a few hours after checking in.

The usual stay at the rehab she left today is 45 days.

Hey, let's be "Glass Half Full" about all this - - Ms. Brit was there for over 45 minutes!

That should count for something, folks.

By the way...

Does anyone else think that Britney looks a little too much like Carol Channing in that wig?

And is it possible...

...even slightly possible...

...that this guy was a STABILIZING INFLUENCE?

I'm not saying, I'm just saying.