Are You There, Blog? It's Me, Stephen

"The Divine Sister"

2011-03-21T16:28:00.003-05:00

Years ago, I attended the Eugene O'Neill Theater Center's Cabaret Symposium.

It was basically a boot camp for cabaret singers. An extremely expensive boot camp for cabaret singers.

And yes, when you combine "boot camp" with "cabaret," you surpass "gay" completely. You move into an phase of gaiety that... Well, it's not even enough to call it "uber-gay." It's like "gay-beta." Or "fag 2.0."

That said, the brilliantly funny Julie Halston was one of our master teachers at the symposium. You've seen Ms. Halston in movies and TV shows, but you may not know her by name. However, if you've ever seen her on stage, you'll never forget her. Charles Busch has written several roles for Julie, from "Vampire Lesbians of Sodom" to their current show, "The Divine Sister."

Check out this video where Julie discusses her mother, the Mafia, and the dangers of visiting a tanning salon after a two-day cocaine bender. This woman is a comic genius.

"Oh, Sammy!"

2011-03-21T10:11:00.002-05:00

I had a pretty good callback this past Saturday. A good callback for a great new play. And Paul Lynde possibly increased my chances of landing the part.

Well, Paul Lynde via Charles Nelson Reilly via Alice Ghostley.

Paul and Charles stole their signature delivery from Alice, and I stole that delivery and used it to delivery a line in the callback that resulted in the biggest laugh I got, so...

Thanks, Alice, Charles and especially Paul.

When it comes to comedy, steal from the best.

Paul Lynde answering a question about the Pope, anyone? Click play and have a happy Monday.

"Butter is Everything, You Ignorant Bitch!"

2011-03-19T09:21:00.002-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen...

I know that Sunday is a day away...

But I thought we could use a little Jesus this morning.

Preach, Sister Paula.

PREACH!!!

"You Can Run Against the Wind, But Not Away From Me!"

2011-03-18T14:22:00.007-05:00

Today, as I was riding the bus to work, I looked out on Michigan Avenue and saw a mime.

A black mime.

Now, before you start acting like everyone else on the bus with me (meaning that you DON'T react AT ALL), let me break this down for you.

This was an African-American man IN WHITE FACE acting like he was trapped inside a box.

Am I the ONLY person who thinks this is worthy of a Scooby Doo "Rrrrrrwwwwrrrr?!?" moment?

Imagine the exact opposite. Image that I was standing on the sidewalk on Michigan Avenue in the middle of the day in black face. And instead of miming like I'm trapped inside a box, I'm lip syncing to Diana Ross' "I'm Coming Out."

Wouldn't that be a "WTF?" moment for you?

I'm just looking for little equal opportunity "WTF?".

And speaking of "WTF?," check out Batman's line to one of the understandably lesser known Batman villains, The Mime.

"Stop! You can run against the wind, but not away from me!"

And you wonder why I read comic books. Gems like that aren't found in just ANY medium. Geez...

"If You'll Be Mrs. O'Leary, Baby, I Will Be Your Cow!"

2011-03-17T13:32:00.009-05:00

This St. Patrick's Day, I have walked through the Loop here in beautiful, downtown Chicago, and I have but one thing to say...

I don't ever, Ever, EVER want to hear another straight person say ANYTHING about Gay Pride Day ever again. Period.

You have a problem with boys in Speedos, dykes on bikes with their tits hanging out and drag queens on roller blades. Really? You're wearing green sunglasses and a fake green beard and you just pissed all over yourself while vomiting into a plastic green hat and YOU have a problem with US? REALLY?!?

St. Patrick's Day is one classy holiday. Classy with a capital K.

Your honor...

...Exhibit A.

I'm all for hairy bears, I love fun, beauty queen sashes, and however you want to earn money (even if it's stripping and having strangers stick dollar bills in your bra) is okay with me, but...

...doing the splits and using your sphincter to pick up God-only-knows-what off of concrete during the family hour is just plain wrong.

****

And speaking of "just plain wrong,"
how dare this man simulate oral sex on his "instrument."

****

And just where do you think that man on the left if about to stick that drum stick?
That poor girl in the green wrap will be walking funny for weeks.

****

Hey, you! Yes, you! Douche bag on the far right!
GET OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE!
You're in a parade, for God's sake!!!

(I love how he has his finger in his ear,
as if the PARADE is disturbing HIM. Prick.)

****

I'm all for the "Bend and Snap," but the girl on the far right has spotted SOMETHING on or in the girl in front of her. From the look on the face of the girl in front of her, it's something in her, for sure.

****

There's so much going on here, I can't even begin to break it down.
Those poor dogs. What did they do to deserve this?

****

Honey. Sweetie. Sweet girl. Those beer goggles are for the guys you're hoping will fuck you. Because if you wear them, they can still see your face.

****

I liked Helena Bonham Carter better in THE KING'S SPEECH. This ALICE IN WONDERLAND look her husband created for her is just... disturbing.

****

Ummm... The Power Rangers can't even get it right. We don't want the Red Ranger on St. Patrick's Day, we want the Green Ranger.

****

Oh. There she is.

****

Before you even ask, no that is NOT me in the Pink Ranger costume.

****

I was the Blue Ranger that day. Doing what I do best. Entertaining the masses.
And yes, it's massive, honey. Mass-IVE!

"Can He Swing From a Thread?"

2010-12-08T09:51:00.003-06:00

Poor "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark."

They just can't seem to catch a break. No matter how much money they throw at it or into it, they just can't seem to get this juggernaut off the ground.

Get it? Juggernaut?

As in, "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!"

Anyway...

The show is, of course, low hanging fruit (so to speak) for comedy writers. Hell, I've been making fun of it ever since it was announced. So, I love this SNL skit.

Mainly, the "Jersey Boys" line.

And the man-on-man, Spider-Man / MaryJane almost-kiss.

Homo fanboy Heaven. If that ever actually happened, that is...

"Your Hat... Is... Stunning!"

2010-11-26T13:00:00.002-06:00

If Charles Nelson Reilly was still with us and worked for the airlines...

And if I was lucky enough to be stripped and patted down by a burly TSA agent named Bruno...

Airport security would like Saturday night in the back room of a gay bar.

Wishful thinking...

"You've Got Possibilities"

2010-09-10T20:54:00.000-05:00

Dear God...

Is she going to do it?

Is Julie Taymor ACTUALLY going to be able to create a GOOD superhero musical for the Broadway stage? (Or the Broadway circus tent, as the case is going to be)

It's been almost 50 years since "It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman" did to showtunes what "Catwoman" and "Judge Dredd" did to motion pictures, but for all my misgivings (and I have and have had SEVERAL), something makes me feel giddy inside and has me believing that Taymor might actually pull it off.

Or maybe I just want to wear this Swiss Miss costume. Yeah, that's really what's making me all tingly inside.

Eat your heart out, Lady Gaga.

"Upside Down"

2010-09-01T13:32:00.002-05:00

Since it's been so long since my last post, I thought I might bridge the gap with a post similar to the last one.

"Upside down. Boy, you turn me.

"Inside out & round & round.

"Upside down, you're turning me.

"You're giving love instinctively.

"Round & round you're turning me."

Indeed...

"Islands in the Stream"

2010-08-13T22:46:00.003-05:00

"Islands in the stream,

That is what we are.

No one in-between.

How can we be wrong?

Sail away with me to another world,

And we rely on each other, ah-ah.

From one lover to another, ah-ah"

"Take Me Out to the Ball (Game)..."

2010-08-13T13:56:00.002-05:00

I've done it. I've found him. I've found my next boyfriend!

I haven't met him yet, have no idea where he lives, and there's the slight problem that he's straight, but I'm confident that a Google search and multiple shots of Grand Marnier will take care of those issues in no time.

This is Bo. Or as he has been nicknamed, "Bo the Bailer." I imagine / hope he's as young and dumb (and full of... well... you know...) as he seems in the video, because, when a foul ball came flying towards Bo and his girlfriend (his FORMER girlfriend, I might add), Bo bailed. And this lovely woman was hit by the ball.

But for me, the young and dumb part of Bo trumps any bailing he could ever do to me.

Besides, I don't have a problem with balls hitting me. Foul or otherwise.

"I'm Hungry for Love. Set the Table"

2010-08-10T08:51:00.000-05:00

My buddy Kevin at The Lisp knows how to make an overly stressed, over-worked, bald homo-fanboy feel better..

He sent me this Robin.

This might be my favorite Robin of all time. Seriously.

Hot, hairy and smart. Just look at how he solved that costume problem of Robin's.

...You know, the green bikini briefs and green elven booties, and those flesh-colored tights that Burt Ward wore with them...

How did this Robin solve that costume crisis? He just took 'em off.

'Atta girl.

Just look at that ass.

"Holy Hole-in-a-Donut," indeed.

"Little Girls, Little Girls, Everywhere I Turn I Can See Them"

2010-08-06T14:59:00.003-05:00

Take the cast members from "The Kids in the Hall," dress them up like former child beauty pageant contestants a la "Toddlers & Tiaras" and have them join my boyfriend Joel McHale on "The Soup" and you have my idea of Heaven.

Well, Gay Heaven, anyway.

I love this. I love this so hard.

"Somebody Thought of That..."

2010-08-05T13:01:00.002-05:00

Kal-el's version of that Kermit the frog classic tune...

"Someday, we'll find it...

"...the Krypton Connection....

"the toothaches...

"...the dentists...

"...and me!"

This is why I read comic books.

For the random, "What the fuck is going on?!?" factor.

I live for it.

"This Isn't a Wig, I Have Loose Scalp"

2010-07-31T10:33:00.001-05:00

We've waited a long time for it, but it's here...

It's finally here!

A new episode of "Katie's Corner."

With my good friend Alexandra Billings channeling the late, great Katharine Hepburn.

That's me and Alex in the pic on the right.

I could tell you what we were doing at that moment, but it would shock the children.

"I Want You to Hit Me as Hard as You Can"

2010-07-28T19:30:00.000-05:00

From what I can tell from this picture taken during the filming of "Giant," James Dean apparently thought that Rock Hudson needed a good cock-punching.

All I have to say to that is... Atta girl!

Now, to be sure, Rock probably enjoyed getting his cock punched by Jimmie Dean. Hell, Rock probably asked for it. Okay, begged for it. I know I would have. If that punch was aimed at my backside instead of my front, that is.

But most men probably doesn't appreciate a hard fist slamming into and around a bulging package. So, let's play a little game.

It's called "Who Do You Think Needs a Good Cock-Punching Right Now?"

So, tell me. Who would you push to the front of the line if someone was offering free and painful cannonballs to the cock?

Mel Gibson, Dick Cheney and every executive at BP start my list. But again, Darth Cheney would probably enjoy it. Seriously. He's probably laugh and start begging for a harder cock-punching.

God, I hate dudes who top from the bottom. Oy...

Fratboy Friday

2010-07-23T19:25:00.000-05:00

Finally. One pic that ALMOST encompasses all of the Fratboy Friday categories. This cutie has it all...

BOYS IN CAPS, SAGGERS, and

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

Don't worry. You'll still get your...

MOONER

A mooner behind glass.

Yeah... Like that's gonna stop me...

"How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?"

2010-07-22T13:55:00.002-05:00

I've always had a little soft spot for the 50's comic book Batman.

The goofiness... The square-jawed, white-slits-for-eyes face in a Bat-cowl... The Batmobile with a Bat-face hood ornament bigger than the Boy Wonder...

The first Bat-Girl, a tennis pro turned superhero... The first Batwoman, who used cosmetic compacts to fight crime, and was introduced simply to make the relationship between Batman and Robin appear less like the NAMBLA love story that it actually is...

And of course, Ace the Bat-Hound. A dog. In a mask. With a Bat-symbol around his neck. Hung there to scare the bad guys, I suppose. Because, as Bruce Wayne said, "Criminals are a superstitious and cowardly lot."

Over the years, Ace has come and gone, but until today, I don't think we knew he could sing. I mean, really sing.

Here Ace as a pug singing the theme song to the 60's Batman TV show. If this doesn't cure what ails you, nothing will.

"Look at Your Life. Look at Your Choices."

2010-07-12T20:28:00.001-05:00

Okay...

I just watched the latest Sassy Gay Friend video and cackled like Paula Deen enjoying a fried stick of butter.

The Sassy Gay Friend meets Shel Silverstein's "The Giving Tree."

The Giving Tree, y'all. The Giving Tree.

"Methinks the Lady Doth Protest Too Much"

2010-06-27T11:07:00.000-05:00

Not to rain on Gay Pride (Chicago's weather will be taking care of that any time now), but here's Mike (I Don't Heart) Huckabee from earlier this morning defending his claim that gay relationships illicit an "ick factor."

A couple of quick questions before I go put on all white (with no underwear) to stand and watch the parade in the rain:

A) Since the U.S. is a republic, not a democracy, why are laws being passed by ballot initiative? Oh, that's right. So that the majority can deny the minority their equal rights.

B) Huckabee reads the articles in those gay rags put out by The Edge?!? Does he "read" the Undergear catalog too?

Happy Pride, everyone.

While we enjoy today, take time to remember that it ain't over.

And also remember that, for the most part, it has been the drag queens, nellie fags and bull dykes who have pushed this movement forward from it's birth at Stonewall till this very day, so if anyone says anything about anyone flaunting it, camping it or bearing their breasts, tell them I said to fuck off and get in the back of the line. 'Nuff said.

"What Are You Doing? What, What, What Are You Doing?"

2010-06-25T14:53:00.005-05:00

Finally, the wait is over!

Here it is, a new Sassy Gay Friend vid!

Love it! Love him! And I REALLY love Adam.

Trust me, you'll love him too. But I called dibs.

"Would You Like to Pet My Pussy?"

2010-06-24T16:28:00.000-05:00

I don't know about you, but after watching this French commercial (that has been banned in France), I suddenly want some Orangina.

And some pussy.

My father is going to be so happy about this.

"You Can See Right Through Me"

2010-06-24T16:07:00.000-05:00

Superman has always stood for truth, justice and the American way.

And these panels by Caldwell Tanner that I found on CollegeHumor...

Well, if they don't scream "the American way" as we currently know it, I don't know what does!

I guess, now that Aquaman is back, Supes can pass the buck on the crappy jobs once again.

"Bad Boys, Bad Boys. What You Gonna Do?"

2010-06-24T13:45:00.000-05:00

Let's play a little game.

Watch this compilation of clips from the show "Cops" and try to identify which of the people in it are my relatives.

Here's a hint: It's most of them.

Okay, all of them. Except one.

And... GO!

COPS PORN - watch more funny videos

"Look at Him, Look at You. Classic Case of Fruit Blindness"

2010-06-24T11:29:00.001-05:00

"There’s no such thing as bisexual. That’s just something they invented in the 90’s to sell hair products. Deal Breaker."

- Liz Lemon on 30 ROCK

("Teach it like you preach it, Liz Lemon!")

"All We Hear Is Radio Goo Goo..."

2010-06-23T13:45:00.000-05:00

Finally...

Someone who watches Lady Gaga and has the same exact thoughts about "La Gaga" and her work that I do...

"What is this shit?"

I find Gaga, her music and her "look" to be ri-COCK-ulous, which is ridiculous to the extreme.

Apparently, the always brilliant Jackie Hoffman (currently playing Grandma in The Addams Family musical on Broadway) feels the same way.

Check out Ms. Hoffman's version of that 8 minute piece of artistic masturbation that Lady Gaga calls "Alejandro."

It's genius. Friggin' genius.

"Love Your Hair, Honey. Hope You Win"

2010-06-15T09:53:00.004-05:00

I just saw this in one of the of Tee Fury forums and you know...

As much as I've been enjoying Dick Grayson as Batman...

And as much as I liked Batman #700 with all of the Batmen past, present, future and beyond...

There's something about a Justin Beiber Batman - - or BeiberMan, if you will - - that I love.

I guess it's the twink in superhero tights combo.

What am I saying? OF COURSE, it's the twink in superhero tights combo.

Even more so than Grayson's Batman, this is Robin all grown up.

I almost like this better than the old school Earth-2 Robin costume. No, seriously. I love that Earth-2 Robin costume.

Now, just one question: Who the fuck is Justin Beiber?!?

"If You Could See Her Through My Eyes..."

2010-06-14T22:40:00.007-05:00

I'm a Kinsey 6 (at least!) but for many, many years now, I have occasionally found myself cruising a cute, young gay boy that is actually a cute, young lesbian.

If my father reads this, he'll be thrilled. But this happens all the time, right?

In a world filled with lesbians who look just like Justin Bieber (whoever the fuck THAT is!), I'm definitely not the only fag cruising hot lesbians on the street.

Yet today, something happened. The game changed and the game, at least for me, is now SUPREMELY fucked up.

Okay, okay... Fine... "I" am now supremely fucked up...

Today, I was walking down the street and saw a couple walking towards me. They looked like the girl-on-girl version of Jack Sprat and his wife. No, they looked more like the HOT girl-on-girl version of Jack Sprat and his wife.

Sure, the lesbo-Jack Sprat of the couple was more "chubby Oprah" than lean. And yes, "Jack's wife" looked like she enjoyed eating pizzas topped with hot dogs (which, of course, made me mentally shout, "'Atta, girl!"), but whether it was spite of their size or because of it, they were both incredibly HOT! Probably because they were so into each other and enjoying a great summer day together. So, I kept staring at them. I couldn't help it.

But as I got closer, I realized... this... wasn't a lesbian couple... at all...

Oh, no... This was a straight couple. And that's not the Anne Heche part of the story.

The fucked up part is that the heavier member of what I thought was a lesbian couple was actually a man - - and that man looked exactly like Wilford Brimley.

Leaving just one question: Exactly how fucked up AM I now that my Daddy fantasies are transforming Wilford Brimley lookalikes into big-boned, happily married lesbians?

Or is there a very simple answer for all of this. Something like "If a fag sees Wilford Brimley and thinks it's Rosie O'Donnell, we all get 6 more weeks of summer."

Oy...

"Toot, Toot. Hey... Beep, Beep!"

2010-06-10T14:53:00.004-05:00

If you've never quite understood why, when compared to the other decades of the 20th century, the 70's will forever be the redheaded, bastard child in the annual Christmas card family photo, just watch Liza Minnelli in the clip below. Singing "Bad Girls."

Yes, that "Bad Girls."

Of course, comparing Liza singing a Donna Sommer song to a redheaded, bastard child would also mean that the little illegitimate fire crotch arrived at the photo shoot for said family Christmas card loaded on God-knows-what and accompanied by a flaming homosexual she kept introducing as her new husband.

This clip is... Oy... Even with Liza's tremendous talent, this production of "Bad Girls" is a sea of bedazzled wrong.

Let's face it. Only in the 70's would someone have thought that Liza HAD to sing "Bad Girls." And only in the 70's would no one have stopped them!

Why? Well, also on 70's television, the dancers on Donny and Marie Osmond's variety show weren't really dancers. They were were ice skaters. Yeah... Donnie and Marie would start singing "I'm a little bit country...," and then there would be ice skating. Before, during and after the song. And, occasionally, Paul Lynde would do some comedy sketches. With children. Sounds like "La Cage aux Folles" directed by Fellini, doesn't it? Nope. It was worse.

But, it's not just the song choice. I'm sure the same showtune queen who put a disco beat behind "The Ballad of Sweeney Todd" pushed Liza to sing "Bad Girls," which lead some chorus boy with a dance belt and dream to choreograph what looks like Bob Fosse's version of the dream ballet from "Oklahoma," forcing Liza's new gay husband to suggest ending the song with an homage to "The Telephone Hour" from "Bye Bye Birdie."

It all leads me to one simple thought: WHERE IS THE REST OF THIS TELEVISION SPECIAL?!? For the love of all things Lorna, I need it!!!

P.S. I realize this special aired in 1980, but just like our former President and our current financial shit box, the blame for this lands squarely in the past.

"Simple as Can Be. See? Liza!"

2010-06-06T17:24:00.006-05:00

What good is sitting alone in your room?

Especially when you can sit in the Chicago Theatre and watch Liza Minnelli in concert.

That's where I'm going. Right now.

And she probably won't sing "Single Ladies" (which I LOVED in the movie, so let's start the gay debate... NOW). There's an even slimmer chance she'll sing this song from "Liza with a Z."

But if she does sing "I Gotcha!," you'll hear my gay squeal across the country.

Hell, I'm gonna squeal regardless.

Fratboy Friday

2010-06-04T22:49:00.000-05:00

BOYS IN CAPS

Wow. That's the exact same face that I made
when I saw his gun show, too!

And, unless he's extremely limber, there's a lot more he can do
when that expression is on my face than on his. Just sayin'...

****

SAGGERS
Does that say "SUCH IS LIFE" or "SUCK IS LIFE"?

Tomato, toMAHto...

****

MOONERS

Why do I never stumble onto these guys peeing in my alley?

WHY?!?

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT
A straight man with a good oral technique.

Who could ask for anything more?

"When My Name Appears in Print, It Better Read, 'Blanche Devereaux COMMA 39!'"

2010-06-04T21:35:00.000-05:00

I've been away for awhile. Two weeks in fact. Sorry about that.

I've been busy, I've been depressed, I've been straightening up my life.

No, let's say "organizing," not "straightening up." As an old and very dear friend of mine used to say, "Never the S word, dear."

But when a Golden Girl dies, attention must be paid. Which is why I urge everyone to do what I will be doing tonight, in honor of the passing of Ms. Rue McClanahan.

I'm going to be taking Blanche's advice...

Join me, won't you?

Fratboy Friday

2010-05-21T22:30:00.001-05:00

BOYS IN CAPS

Looking hot in a pair of jeans is (unless you're me) easy to accomplish.

(Especially if you're a Golden Ticket holder in the genetic lottery.)

****

SAGGERS

Looking hot is slightly harder when the jeans are clam diggers...

(Or are they pedal pushers?... Culots?... Capris?...)

...so follow this boy's lead and accessorize with Nair'ed up chest and a sneer!

****

MOONERS

When it comes to the jean short,
an ass you can serve drinks on is your best friend.

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

"I'll drink to that."

"And one for Mahler!"

"So, This Is Love..."

2010-05-20T23:33:00.004-05:00

It's just like Cinderella sang...

"So, this is love. Hmm-mmm, hmm-mmm.
So, this is love.

"So, this is what makes life divine."

You got it sister. Most definitely.

As long as you have a safe word.

(Can you tell IML is coming up? Hmm-mmm, hmm-mmm...)

"Stop Worrying If Your Vision Is New"

2010-05-19T09:09:00.001-05:00

"The worst thing you can do is fall off a low rung. If you're going to make a mistake,

make a huge one."

- Stephen Sondheim

Brilliant advice for any artist in any form of art. I absolutely agree.

Which is the only excuse I have for taking this idea and applying it to my ENTIRE life thus far.

Not that I have ever been on the top rung.

I only fucked my way to the middle.

(And you know who you are...)

"I Am the Modern Man"

2010-05-18T19:11:00.000-05:00

Now, this is what I call cosplay.

Who needs all that bulky armor? This picture proves that in cosplay, as in all things, less is more.

Unless you're Cher. With Cher, more is more.

But with this "Iron Man with iPhone," amateur Tony Stark, the less armor, the better.

I can't wait to see his repulsor. (Yeah, yeah... You were thinking the same thing...)

But if he's Tony in this scene (and let's face it, he can be any damn thing he wants to if I'm involved or just in the room), that makes me Pepper Potts.

Not a problem. I've been much worse for much worse.

Now, where did I put that Gwyneth Paltrow mask?

"...the Line Between the Past and the Present."

2010-05-17T21:12:00.004-05:00

When it comes to my cluttered, filthy pigsty of an apartment, and the reason so few people have been allowed inside of it for longer than I care to admit, I've been repeating the same line to friends and family for months now...

"I watch 'Grey Gardens' and think,
'That house? That's nothing...'"

The person I'm talking to will laugh a little and then move on to another piece of conversation. I wonder, if they could actually SEE my apartment, would that line be funnier or infinitely sadder?

Or worse yet, would it be a cause for concern? Probably all of the above.

I have dedicated entire days and weekends to the act of getting rid of clutter, cleaning up my messes, organizing the insanity, and after a long stretch of hours, I stand back and it looks like only an inch and half of space is now clean and clear.

How could I have gathered so much unneeded junk that I, for some reason, have decided to hold on to by putting it in a place where I can never find it if I actually need it? And how could I care less about cleaning and making a bed and folding clothes than I have in the past when I never gave a damn before?!?

Maybe it's my way of keeping potential boyfriends at bay. I've heard women talk about not shaving their legs before a date so that they would not even be tempted to sleep with the guy at the end of the evening. Maybe my mess is my unconscious way of staying single. Not something I want, but something that seems to be continuing, nonetheless.

For the longest time, my apartment appeared to be in order, but if you opened up a certain drawer or closet door, you could see where the mess had been relocated for the time being. One of my friends referred to this as, "Outside control, inside chaos," which was and is the most accurate description of me I have ever heard.

So, what does it mean now that my chaos has overtaken my control?

"Does Anyone Still Wear a Hat?"

2010-05-12T20:20:00.002-05:00

I look at these boys and I think...

"Off to the gym,
then to a fitting,
claiming they're fat.

"And looking grim,
'cause they've been sitting choosing a hat.

"I'll drink to that."

I'm sure tequila had a hand in this picture. To quote the play, "Dirty Blonde"...

"Tequila: the heroin of alcohol."

"...the Raging Spirit That Dwells Within Him"

2010-05-11T22:13:00.003-05:00

Hey, Marvel Comics! You want to know how to make a Hulk movie that won't bite the green weenie?

Cast this guy.

Who is he? What does he do? Is he a villain? A love interest? A rebooted Mr. McGee?

(You know, the reporter who follows the Hulk and Dr. Banner around, thus giving us the line, "Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry?")

Which one of those characters is Mr. Tattman, the Ab Master? Who the fuck cares?!?

As long as THAT is his ONLY costume. And he's on the beach. A lot.

"They Say That I'm a Witch!"

2010-05-04T14:37:00.006-05:00

I don't know...

Is it me, or on the cover of her new book...

...her memoir entitled "Spoken from the Heart"...

...(Did anyone else just throw up in their mouth a little bit?... Ugh...)

...does Laura Bush look like...

...the wicked queen from "Snow White"?

Don't take an apple from that bitch, that's all I'm saying.

"Men Are Stupid, Men Are Vain. Love's Disgusting, Love's Insane..."

2010-05-01T17:07:00.001-05:00

From the people who brought you...

"The check is in the mail."

...and...

"We can leave our

underwear on."

...I proudly present...

"Now, Pat...

This won't hurt a bit"

This has been a message from the makers of...

"Never trust a man who says, 'Trust me.'"

"Why Do They Always Look Like Unhappy Rabbits?"

2010-04-28T14:59:00.000-05:00

"I'm selfish, impatient,
and a little insecure.

"I make mistakes.

"I am out of control and,
at times, hard to handle.

"But if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

- Marylin Monroe

Amen, sister. Amen.

"It's Hard Out Here For a (Bat)..."

2010-04-27T11:01:00.000-05:00

Poor Bruce.

After all the lawsuits contesting not one, not two, but three different appearances on "To Catch a Predator," the billionaire playboy / Dark Knight is forced to take a job.

Any job.

He could have at least dressed like the Batman of Zur-en-arrh. For the color, you know.

"Why, Oh Why, Do I Love Paris?"

2010-04-26T14:17:00.002-05:00

"She got where she got on her own two knees."

- Debbie Reynolds talking about Paris Hilton.

Atta girl.

To both of them.

"Lay, Lady, Lay..."

2010-04-26T10:33:00.000-05:00

Tiger Woods said it.

On a bag of Lays Potato Chips.

"I love my LAYS!"

And his wife had the nerve to be shocked and upset that he was fooling around?!?

What's wrong with her? Doesn't she LIKE potato chips?

Seriously though, what a wenis Tiger Woods is.

P.S. "Wenis" is, I assume, a combination of the words "wuss" and "penis." I stole it from "The Venture Bros." It's one of The Monarch's favorite terms, and therefore, one of mine.

"I Used To Be With Stupid"

2010-04-26T07:54:00.002-05:00

Oh, my... Oh, my, my, my...

The first person to un-ironically use the word "InternetS"...

The man who referred to himself as "The Decider Guy"...

The man who, even though his brother's name is Jeb, is the stupidest man in an illogically stupid family...

Former President George W. Bush thinks he can conjugate and has written a book.

A) I've officially found the first Christmas gift for both my father and my step-mother. They'll love it. Oy...

B) I may have just found a book that will make me laugh harder than Carrie Fisher's "Wishful Drinking." Sure, it will be laughter through tears with "Decision Points," but still...

P.S. The title of this post comes from a t-shirt that my brother once saw. The perfect break-up t-shirt, I think. And, if I had attended President Obama's inauguration, that is the t-shirt that I would have worn.

"Now, My Life Is Rosie, Since I Found My Rosie..."

2010-04-22T21:13:00.004-05:00

She's back! Miss Lola Rose has a new video on YouTube!

It's been awhile since the gorgeous Miss Lola (filmed by her wildly talented and equally beautiful daughter Jill Abrams) gave us something new to see, but like all great things, this video is WELL worth the wait!

I was so excited when I saw Miss Lola's face in my YouTube subscriptions window that I let out the Gay Gasp. No, not "a" gay gasp, "THE" Gay Gasp! It was LOUD, heads turned, faux-hawks flattened, and more than one queen in Schaumburg thought that I had not only seen Liza, but she had fallen on me, pinned me down and forced me to become her third (or is it fifth?) gay husband.

But they were wrong. It wasn't Liza, it's the OTHER woman I aspire to be and/or take as my bride - - the woman who, in one of her videos, described Ann Coulter as "a nasty twat!," which is so wildly funny because it's so absolutely true - - Miss Lola Rose!

TMI Tuesday

2010-04-20T21:14:00.001-05:00

Something I haven't done in a long, long time. TMI Tuesday!

1. Commando: Sexy or disgusting? Do you have a "best" commando story?

Going commando is sexy. And sometimes disgusting. Which is just fine, because sometimes, disgusting is exactly the kind of sexy that I crave.

I've never been one of those queens who only goes to the cleanest of bathhouses. I prefer a little sleaze with my sleaze. Just because it looks hot on "Grey's Anatomy" doesn't mean that fucking in a place as sterile as a hospital is fun. At all.

And no, I don't have a "best" commando story. Because today's not over yet.

2. Foreplay: Is there such a thing as too much?

Certain Southerners of a certain age will remember summers when homemade ice cream had to be churned manually. Over and over. For a very long time. Working that crank up and down and around. In the middle of all that heat. Sweat pouring all down your face. Muscles aching as you grunted to keep everything moving around and around for what seemed like an eternity.

All because, when you opened up what was inside, it was absolute heaven.

That's my answer. Now, start churning!

3. Oral sex: Good if you are getting? Good is you are giving? Equally ewwwww?

Good if you're giving and GREAT if you're getting.

I think we all prefer 68 to 69, don't we?

You know what 68 is. To quote George Carlin...

"68 is 'You do me and I'll owe ya!'"

4. Orgasm: Is one per night enough or does the first one just get your motor running?

I'm 40. If you want more than one a night, I need to go somewhere and reload.

I'm like Barney with his one bullet. I can hold on to it for a long, long, long time.

5. Morning sex: "Oh hell yes!", "Well if I have, too." or "Just get in the shower and go to work."

Morning sex is awesome.

Sometimes, it's hard for your partner to realize that your hardon is morning wood that sprung up from a monstrous need to pee, and jumping up and sitting on top of it is shoving your bladder up into windpipe, but for love, I can handle anything.

Bonus (as in optional): Have you ever had anonymous sex? Have you ever had an orgasm without at least knowing your partner's last name?

Ummm... What part of "Cocksucking Rimjob Homo" didn't you understand?

I don't need to know their last name. Or their first name. Just their inseam.

"I Need Some Marijuana"

2010-04-20T18:47:00.003-05:00

It's 4/20.

And you know what that means, right?

Yes, that. But what you may not know (and you better learn pretty damn fast) is...

Bea Arthur NEEDS some marijuana.

She's GOT to have some marijuana.

Don't dismiss her.

She smokes as much grass as you do.

"Oh, My Stars and Garters"

2010-04-19T11:09:00.002-05:00

Here's Kelsey Grammer in a video promoting The Right Network, a new Comcast network that is all Right Wing, all day and all night. (Watch your back, Fox News - - The Right Network is about to eat your lunch.)

Right Network's tag line is, "All that's right with the world."

(Oh, the picture to the right is Mr. Grammer as Beast from "X-Men 3." It has nothing to do with this video. It just makes me laugh.)

Currently, Mr. Grammer is starring in a revival of La Cage Aux Folles on Broadway. (I know, right? ANOTHER one? Doesn't anyone want to revive Dear World, for God's sake?)

I wonder what his Right Wing fan base thinks of Mr. Grammer starring in a musical so gay that Rip Taylor's review simply said, "Now, THAT's faggy!"

More to the point, I wonder what all those boys dressed as girls in the show, the Cagelles, think about Mr. Grammer being the spokesperson for Fox 2.0.

I'd stay firmly in my dance belt if I were you, Mr. Grammer. Those queens might get angry and they would just hold you down and do your hair, but since there ain't much hair there, they'll be searching for it in other areas.

"Because I Just Went GAY All of a Sudden!"

2010-04-16T22:55:00.002-05:00

Sure, Robin coming out of the closet would be about as shocking as... Oh, I don't know... Ricky Martin coming out of the closet, but...

Really, Bats? You're not even a little bit surprised?!?

You took in a young orphan named Dick, made him your ward, and forced him to prowl city alleys late at night dressed in green elf booties, a red lace-up tunic, and a yellow half-cape. With NO PANTS!!!

And before he could even put on his "costume," you instructed him to open the secret passageway and "slide down the pole."

You don't think that might possibly have had SOME effect on his sexual identity?!?

I wouldn't be so snarky when I spoke to the press about someone coming out of the closet if I were you, Bruce.

You're a very wealthy man who has never been married, yet you and your "faithful butler" have "taken in" not one, not two, but THREE young boys.

Add that to your "Rainbow Batman" costume, and you saying that you're not "even a little surprised" that Robin is gay sounds like the pot calling the kettle Crazy Quilt.

"My Body's Too Bootylicious!"

2010-04-14T08:36:00.006-05:00

Watching the video below gave me a unique flashback.

I mean no disrespect to this madly skilled, one-man Destiny's Child, but watching him dance to this particular song, I was reminded of an actress I worked with in a production of "Vampire Lesbians of Sodom," the uber-talented, utterly gorgeous and wickedly funny Ms. Kate Martin.

Kate was playing Madeleine Astarte, and her costume for the first act was basically a bikini by way of Honey Rider. Kate looked amazing in it, but she didn't feel attractive.

Kate is on the far left in the picture above, so you now realize that Kate is ALWAYS attractive. Stunningly beautiful is a better description, actually.

Still, she didn't feel good while wearing that bikini, but instead of moping or whining about something that she couldn't change, Kate empowered herself. Every night, just before she walked on for the first act, she would stand in front of a mirror in the dressing room, jiggle her body and sing at the top of her lungs...

"I don't think you're ready for this BELLY!

I don't think you're ready for THIS belly!"

Watching this boy brought that all back. So brilliant. So damn talented.\

Kate, I mean. And this kid, too. I guess.

"Wil Wheaton Currently Ranks Sixth On My All-Time Enemies List"

2010-04-13T15:27:00.001-05:00

I can't think of anything more disturbingly appropriate for today's Super Tuesday post than these images and this short clip from last night's episode of "The Big Bang Theory."

It's obvious that the guys lost a bet. No self respecting fanboy would CHOOSE to wear Halle Berry's Catwoman costume over Julie Newmar's or Michelle Pfeiffer's.

Hell, I'd wear Leslie Gore's Pussycat costume before I'd get into Halle's pussy, or cat, or costume. Oy...

And as much as I love Jim Parsons as Sheldon, his Wonder Woman is nothing compared to Lynda Carter's. But, I imagine he can spin into his costume with more grace and style than Debra Winger did, though.

And compared to Cathy Lee Crosby's Wonder Woman, I'll take Mr. Parsons as Sheldon as Princess Diana ANY DAY!!!

And I do mean, "take." That boy's cute!

"What Are You Doing Here, And Why Are You Talking Like That?"

2010-04-12T20:20:00.007-05:00

What kind of world do we live in where Dixie Carter is taken from us and we're left with Janice Dickinson?

Check out the video below. If you dare.

You know me, I'm all about the handball, but somehow, when Janice starts talking about it, I feel like I'm being forced to felch Anthrax out of Dick Cheney's ass. Probably because she compares it to "animals mating in the zoo."

Which, I'm sure, is a compliment compared to what many middle Americans would say about fisting. But when she follows it by saying that, "gay men actually did make me who I am today," I kind of want to punch her in her "pulled-so-tight-she-has-to-bend-her-knees-to-eat" face. Are we zoo animals? Or are we your own, personal savior-stylists? Pick one, Janice.

I'm probably making too much out of this four minute, Oxycontin diatribe of hers, but when it comes to giving gay men credit for who she is and what she has become, I would rather that my peoples' contributions to "La Janice" be listed as "anonymous."

Or say the Mormons did it. Yeah, Janice. Give credit to the Mormons. You're so batshit crazy, it would make sense and no one would question it for a second.

So, if you have on your safety goggles, check out Janice's OUT video. Oy...

"The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia"

2010-04-11T10:28:00.000-05:00

I watched this when it first aired in 1987 - - deep in the closet, scared of AIDS & death before I had even had sex.

This scene gave me a little hope that people might not hate me for who I was.

And that friends & loved ones would stand with me against the hate & homophobia.

Rest in peace, Ms. Carter.

"When You're an Addams"

2010-04-08T13:17:00.003-05:00

"The Addams Family" opens tonight on Broadway.

From what I've read, there have been more than a few changes made since I saw the show here in Chicago.

For instance, the opening number here was named "Clandango." It was all about Wednesday coming of age and becoming a woman. It set up the plot of the show, but the new opening number, "When You're an Addams," presents all of the family members to us as we know and love them from the TV series and subsequent movies.

Maybe, as was the case with "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum," all the show needed was the right opening number to establish the mood and welcome the audience into the piece. Maybe.

We'll see. Not by the reviews, necessarily, but by the box office. Say what you will about the Chicago run of "The Addams Family," it was sold out for almost every performance and left town with a considerable profit. And we're a theatre town. That ain't easy to do here.

"Let It Please Be Him! Oh, Dear God! It Must Be Him!"

2010-04-07T22:06:00.002-05:00

Guess who I talked to today? You'll never guess!

Okay, with the pics that I posted here, you probably WILL guess "Robin." Quickly and easily. But! Do you know WHICH Robin? Ha! Got you! Well...

1) It's not some Dick from the circus...

2) He never tried to kick Bruce Lee's ass while wearing Underoos, a pair of green, elf booties and a bright yellow, collared (WTF?!?), "Toddlers & Tiaras"-sized, satin cape...

3) And he never entered into a scene consisting of a clown, a crowbar, and a couple of 900 numbers before he KNEW THE SAFE WORD, damn it!!!

So, if I didn't speak to Dick Grayson, Burt Ward or Jason Todd today, who DID I speak to? That's right, fanboys! Today, I spoke on the phone with Tim Drake!

Well, alright. It wasn't THE Tim Drake, but it was "a" Tim Drake. It was a business call and when I heard the name, it took every last nerve I had to restrain myself from screaming, "DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE?!?"

Luckily for me, I was able to sneak in the topic of his name and its comic book significance at the very end of the call. Mr. Drake (TIM Drake!) told me that he had no idea he was a member of the Batman Family until a friend of his encouraged him to Google himself. He did, and there he was...

The third Robin, the Boy Wonder!

And if I find out that the real life Tim Drake looks even slightly similar to the comic book Tim Drake from this bottom panel, well...

Insert your own Bat-Pole / Bat-Cave joke here. (Funny... "Insert"...)

"But If, Baby, I'm the Bottom, You're the Top!"

2010-04-06T16:09:00.002-05:00

I'll say it again - - If you're not watching "The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson," you're missing one of the most inventive, hilarious and uber-entertaining television shows (...dare I say it?... I do!...) ever!

And I'm not just talking about the hottie in the harness in the video below.

I'm talking about little gems from the guests. Like this quote from Robin Williams a few nights ago...

"I was once on a German talk show and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there's not so much comedy in Germany?'

"And I said, 'Did you ever think you tried to kill all the funny people?'"

Funny. Funny because it's true.

And on that note, Harness Boy... hit it!

"I Don't Know How I Get to Where I Don't Know Where I'm At"

2010-04-04T22:07:00.005-05:00

My father has a saying: "It ain't braggin' if you done it!" So, since I'm at least partially responsible for what's been done, forgive me for tooting my own horn. So to speak.

The opening night of "Hello Again" went extremely well. So much so that the production has been Jeff Recommended.

What the frack is a Jeff Recommendation? Basically, a Jeff is the Chicago equivalent of the Tony Award. Only, this recommendation doesn't mean that the show or anything in it has been nominated for a Jeff... Necessarily. It just means that Jeff judges are now free to give us a nomination. Or not. Simply put, the recommendation allows for the possibility of a Jeff nomination. And a Jeff Nomination allows for the possibility of a Jeff Award.

And if we're lucky, Sandra Bullock won't perform anywhere near Chicago for the rest of this season, so those possibilities might bring us real, honest to goodness Jeff Awards.

Note to Sandra Bullock: Don't even THINK about coming into town on a bus and truck tour to play Jessie in "'night, Mother!: The Musical!"... I'll cut a bitch...

Check out what NewCity critic Lisa Buscani wrote...

____

"I’m not a big musical fan; musicals require a falseness that makes my teeth ache. Boho’s 'Hello Again' revives my love of the genre. Michael John LaChiusa’s song cycle about love and sex across the ages has a heartfelt sweetness that doesn’t leave a bad aftertaste.

"The piece begins with a 'prostitute' soliciting a soldier; the soldier then solicits a nurse, the nurse seduces a college boy, the collegian seduces a lonely housewife, you get the picture. The decades change but the song (and the need) remains the same. No ensemble members stand out because they are all excellent; each performer exhibits the necessary vocal chops and captures the humor and bittersweet yearning the roles require.

"Co-directors Michael Ryzcek (sic) and Stephen Nader (sic) give equal time and attention to the music and the intention behind it, and it shows. The sex is steamy, the passion palpable. Nice job, folks."

____

Sure, she misspelled my name and Michael's name, but with a review like that, she can call me Mr. Nader! Hell, make it Ralph! I'm easy.

P.S. Yes, the top picture is one of our production pics. That's Adam and Ben, the Young Thing and the Writer, respectively. Since they both strip down to their underwear for their sex scene, I have told Boho that they should charge extra for front row seating. Right?

That said, lube will not be sold at the box office, nor will it be permitted inside the theatre. That would be ridiculous. We can't have that kind of mess, not to mention all that noise, on the front row during a performance. We're artists here, people!... Geez...

"The Rabbit of Easter. He Bring of the Chocolate"

2010-04-02T10:22:00.000-05:00

In honor of Easter, I give you another one of my favorite David Sedaris stories.

If you've never heard it before, give it a listen. Trust me. It's "Six to Eight Black Men" funny.

I give you Mr. Sedaris' "Jesus Shaves."

"Hello Again"

2010-04-01T16:33:00.002-05:00

I'll admit, I'm in a bad mood.

No, not a bad mood. A depressed mood. I'm very, very down.

I've been crying on and off since late last night. For many reasons. And I'm extremely tired. "Hello Again" opens tomorrow and the long days leading right into long, late nights of rehearsals have taken their toll. Add last week's injury to the mix and I'm an emotional basket case.

So, I'm not really in a bad mood, I'm just in a MOOD.

Which is why I think that the video below is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a long, long time.

Why the fuck does EVERY piece of art need to be gayed up for gay men to feel acceptance? For fuck's sake, isn't "Grease" gay enough without a bunch of middle aged, showtune queens playing Pink Ladies? It's stupid and doesn't serve the material at all.

Want an all male "Grease"? Then, write your own fucking musical. Leave this one alone.

I told you. I'm in a mood.

"My, My, My Poked-Up Face! My, My Poked-Up Face!"

2010-03-29T16:15:00.002-05:00

It's been over a week since my last post, but there's a reason. A very good reason.

I got out of bed early Tuesday morning and apparently, I stood up too quickly because I passed out somewhere in my hallway or my bathroom. Why am I not sure where I passed out? Well, there's the whole unconscious thing. And the fact that I hit my forehead somewhere, on something, and that robbed me of a few minutes / hours of detailed short term memory.

That said, the deep cut in my forehead bled extremely well, so much so that I didn't need a CSI black light wand to tell me where I laid AFTER I passed out. However, I have no idea how long I laid there bleeding and there's nothing near the large pool of blood that has a sharp enough edge to cut my forehead so that I needed 7 (or was it 9?) sutures.

But after a trip to the emergency room and a week of healing, I now have a semi-Harry Potter scar. And a new theme song: "My, my, my poked-up face. My, my poked-up face!"

Luckily, a new Sassy Gay Friend video just hit YouTube. I needed this laugh. A lot.

"I Need a Hero!"

2010-03-21T13:56:00.002-05:00

This is incredibly hot, Hollywood actor Chris Evans. A couple of things...

1) Chris has reportedly been offered the role of Steve Rogers, a.k.a. Captain America, in the upcoming film, "Captain America: The First Avenger."

2) In the picture, notice that Chris is wearing a "Deep Throat" t-shirt.

I sincerely hope that both item #1 and item #2 are true.

But, as much as I would LOVE to see Chris play Captain America in the upcoming Marvel films, if I had to choose just one, I'd go with item #2.

Come on. A movie star with that body and no gag reflex? That's like Gay Heaven.

"God'll Get You For That, Walter"

2010-03-15T08:36:00.007-05:00

I was watching a few episodes of "Maude" that someone has thankfully uploaded to YouTube and I fell in love with this shadier than usual Bea Arthur insult...

"You're a tower of trivia, Walter. Have you ever thought about leaving your brain to science? I could arrange to have it picked up first thing in the morning."

I loved watching "Maude" when I was a kid. And I'm told that my favorite television show during my preschool years was "Family Affair." According to my mother, I would stare at the screen transfixed, drinking in the lives of Buffy, Jody, Cissy and Mr. French.

So, just for the record, before my jaded, "Maude" years (meaning I learned "bitter" and "jaded" from Bea, a true master), I loved watching children with uber-queer names who lived with their father and his live-in "man-servant," Mr. French.

And yet, years later, my parents had the nerve to be shocked when I told them I was gay.

What did they need to figure it out? Liza Minnelli to marry me? Oy...

Fratboy Friday

2010-03-12T22:50:00.007-06:00

"Spring is here, there's no mistaking..."

BOYS IN CAPS

Now, we can finally cornhole outdoors

in front of God and everybody!

****

SAGGERS

We can finally show off the body we've been working on all winter.

Yes, I've been working on my body all winter.

And now, there's much more of my body! And in all the wrong places!

I'm ballooning faster than Violet Beauregard post-three course dinner gum.

I need to find the juicing room. In SO many ways!

****

MOONERS

Time for Spring Cleaning...

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

...and St. Patrick's Day frivolity.

With matching boxer shorts, no less!

(Oy...)

"People, People Who Need People..."

2010-03-11T10:58:00.001-06:00

Mario Cantone had a very funny bit in his Broadway show, "Laugh Whore," on the subject of Cher.

I'm simply updating it for 2010 when I say...

"Sandra Bullock has an Oscar."

"That's the punchline."

Streep should have won. Period, end of story.

Someone asked me if I had seen "The Blind Side." My response was, "We've ALL seen 'The Blind Side.'"

Just the clip they showed at the Oscars proved that "The Blind Side" is simply every fucking movie that's ever been made.

Right down to the line, "You're changing that boy's life," to which Bullock's character replies, "No, he's changing mine."

Gross. How much throw-up can my mouth take?

I'm with Mo Rocca. I want to live among Streeple. A world inhabited by the characters Meryl Streep has played.

Can you imagine Miranda Priestly meeting Madeline Ashton? The mind reels...

"Can You Picture the Things I'm Thinking Of?"

2010-03-09T08:14:00.002-06:00

I've always thought it was a little silly...

...if not downright ridiculous and possibly riCOCKulous, (which is, of course, the new and improved beta version of "ridiculous," a.k.a. "Ridiculous 2: This Time It's Personal")...

...that Margot Kidder was asked (and agreed to) record herself as she TALKED THE LYRICS to the song, "Can You Read My Mind?," so that it could be played as an inner monologue / voiceover while she, as Lois Lane, enjoys her first flight with Christopher Reeve's dreamy Superman.

But you know...

I'd record myself talking the lyrics to "My Adobe Hacienda" if it meant that this Superman would take me...

...on a flight.

So to speak.

"Sassy, Anyone?"

2010-03-08T20:33:00.003-06:00

Did someone say they needed more Sassy?

Why Juliet did.

Yes, just like Ophelia, Juliet is in SERIOUS need of a Sassy Gay Friend.

(I am now, officially in love with this guy!)

"Beware My Power, Green Lantern's Light"

2010-03-08T13:27:00.000-06:00

Here he is.

The father of my children.

The butter to my bread.

The "Take it like the bitch you are!" to my "Thank you, SIR! May I have another, SIR?!?"

Ryan Reynolds. Talking about how his Green Lantern costume leaves nothing to the imagination.

One viewing of this clip and suddenly, I'm WAY into cosplay.

"What Fresh Hell Is This?"

2010-03-07T16:02:00.002-06:00

This past week was very hard.

Lots of uncertainty, tons of stress, and lately, every time I turn around, there's a new stick waiting for me to spin a plate on it. In other words...

"I'm too fucking busy...
or vice versa."

- Dorothy Parker

At the present time, however, unlike Mrs. Parker, I'm only "fucking busy." I don't go both ways.

Reminds me of the time my friend John Cardone asked me if I was a bottom or a top. I told him I was (and am) versatile. John replied...

"Versatile. Spelled B-O-T-T-O-M."

Here's wishing that the quote above becomes reality for us all soon. With the word "busy" before "fucking." Always.

Fratboy Friday

2010-03-05T11:34:00.000-06:00

BOYS IN CAPS

The first act of The Gun Show.

My, my my...

What a gun show.

****

SAGGERS

As my friend Eric Reda says...

"This guy has GOT to stop calling me!"

****

MOONERS

White Trash Surfing

a.k.a.

Redneck Riptide

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

As my father used to say,

"What if your face was to freeze like that?"

My answer, for this boy, anyway:

"Who the Hell is looking at his face?"

"Would You Play the 'UH' Song for These People, Please?"

2010-03-04T17:30:00.004-06:00

Two hours from now, I will be sitting in the Harris Theatre, listening to Stephen Sondheim. Talk.

No singers, no orchestra, no piano. Not a performance of Sondheim's music, but Sondheim discussing his music, his lyrics, his career, his theories and ideas.

And if we're lucky, a few killer stories about Elaine Stritch: The Boozy Years. Or his former next door neighbor, Katharine Hepburn.

(Typing that made me realize that tonight may come dangerously close to being Uber-Gay. You know, that gay beyond gay where Rip Taylor lives. We may fall into the area where Queer folds in on itself. And we can finally reach it with our mouths)

For those of you who might think that an evening listening to someone talk about the creation of a piece of musical theatre would be about as fun as felching Anthrax out of Dick Cheney's mangina, check out this clip.

It's Sondheim laughing about the lyrics he wrote for the song "Somewhere" in "West Side Story."

So funny. So brilliant. And I'm SO tempted to throw my underwear on stage tonight. If I was wearing any underwear, that is...

"Key Word Is Indulgent"

2010-03-02T09:22:00.001-06:00

Watching Sen. Jim Bunning stand in the way of a 30-day extension of unemployment & health insurance benefits for a million jobless Americans during our Great Recession, I'm reminded of a line from "Annie Hall"...

"What I wouldn't give for a large sock full of manure"

Or an even better line from "Annie Hall"...

"I need the large polo mallet."

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"You Could Move In"

2010-03-01T15:51:00.001-06:00

I've been away from my little blog a little too long.

And I'll admit it... I've been eating.

No, I haven't eaten all of the Thin Mints I bought a week ago. Yet.

But there is a sugar-covered Peep sitting to my right, waiting to be eaten.

Add that to the seven Peeps I've already inhaled and the cheeseburger I had for lunch at Billy Goat Tavern and soon, even the crotch on my caftan will be tight. Oy...

Thank God The Onion knows how to shame me down to size!

In The Know: Should We Be Shaming Obese Children More?

"I Wanna Hold Your Hand"

2010-02-25T14:39:00.001-06:00

Two new t-shirts from Threadless that I love. Sort of.

This first one is (supposedly) "The Luckiest T-Shirt Ever."

I can just hear the guy who made this saying? "Get it? Lucky. The shooting star. The horseshoe. Get it?"

"Yeah, yeah," I would reply. "You're slightly clever. What do you want? A fucking award? Will somebody get this guy a Clever Medallion, please."

Obviously, I don't LOVE the design of the t-shirt. I just want dude IN the t-shirt.

I want to hold his balls in my mouth. As a friend.

This second t-shirt is entitled "The Gaming Revolution."

But the color and the image just scream "Handball" to me. And not the Olympic sport, either.

Hmmm... I wonder if there's a fisting video game...

Wii Fisting.

Sounds like a secondary character in a Bond movie, doesn't it?

"I Don't Get It, But... Okay!"

2010-02-22T10:34:00.004-06:00

Adam at Comics Make No Sense posted this panel today.

I've seen several bizarre, sexually disturbing, yet more-than-a-little titillating comic book panels featuring the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder, but this one is new to me.

New to the adult me, anyway. I'm sure I saw this panel when I was kid. It explains so much.

To all the guys who wondered why I brought them back to my place, turned down the lights and asked them to join me in "puncturing" a watermelon painted to look like a giant lemon, here you go.

This explains it. It all tracks back.

"Lookie, Lookie, Here Comes Cookie Now"

2010-02-21T20:03:00.004-06:00

I found it yesterday. I finally found it.

I was walking into the Jewel (the grocery store, not the singer), and there it was - - what so many of us search for, but so few of us find.

A Girl Scout. Selling actual boxes of Girl Scout Cookies!

And she had SEVERAL boxes of Thin Mints available for purchase!!!

Don't judge. Thin Mints (the Girl Scouts' obviously-named diet cookies) are exciting stuff for me. So exciting that I think I scared my neighborhood Girl Scout when, instead of "Hello," I started the conversation with a bombastic, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!?"

Luckily, she was with her mother and her mother laughed and quickly positioned boxes of Thin Mints between the crazy, bald, gay man and her child.

I bought four boxes. And the second I got home, they went into my freezer. Right beside the vodka and the poppers.

My mama raised me right.

"Hamlet Was the Prince of a Spot Called Denmark"

2010-02-18T16:11:00.000-06:00

Have you ever thought to yourself...

"I wonder how the play 'Hamlet' would have been different if Ophelia had a sassy, gay friend."

Well, I have. Mainly because "Ophelia's Gay Friend Bobby" would be the role that I would play.

This is friggin' hysterical. So funny because it's SO true.

"Here She Is Boys! Here She Is World! Here's Rose!"

2010-02-18T15:25:00.000-06:00

Gays do indeed have talent. And lots of it.

Sure, most gay talent can only be seen on XTube, but some of it can be displayed in public. In a bar! And not in the back room either!

Last year's "Gays Got Talent" was a blast. This year, I'll be one of the judges at the Spin. And you know what they say...

If you want to win, all you have to do is be nice to me.

And by "nice" I don't mean anything sexual. I mean, "bring me a cheeseburger with fries and a strawberry shake."

Ah, the 40's...

Come see me at Spin and buy me a drink. I'm much funnier when you and I are BOTH drunk.

"Can I Pet Your Pussy?"

2010-02-18T10:27:00.003-06:00

Drunk Fan

"I'd love a little pussy."

Tallulah

"Dahling, so would I.

Mine's as big as a handbag."

"Batman, Dahling!"

2010-02-16T10:26:00.002-06:00

"Daddy warned me about men and alcohol, but he never warned me about women and cocaine."

- Tallulah Bankhead

"Will You Get Your Knees Out of the Back of My Seat!"

2010-02-15T12:49:00.000-06:00

This commercial exists in a place that I like to call "Gay Heaven."

Watch it and see why.

Snickers commercials have come a long way since the days of "Long about noon, when your appetite's pokin' at ya, pokin' at ya!"

"Infinite Joy"

2010-02-14T21:43:00.001-06:00

Polt from Polt's Palace definitely knows what to give the homo fanboy on Valentine's Day.

Not flowers, not candy.

Life may be like a box of chocolates, but Polt knows that, for me, lust is a flock of belly-shirted Robins.

Do you refer to a group of hot Robins as a flock or a gaggle? A pride?

Hell, call it whatever you want as long as I'm in the center of it. And either kneeling or horizontal. I'm easy. I'll go either way.

Thanks, Polt! You're the best!

"All of Life's Riddles Are Answered in the Movies"

2010-02-14T13:01:00.005-06:00

The other devastatingly handsome blogger named Stephen (from Post Apocalyptic Bohemian) tagged me on a movie meme. The rules are...

“Share three classic movie moments that have, in some shape or form, made you buy things, do things, think things that perhaps you shouldn't have.”

So many to choose from, but here is a random sampling of three, in no particular order...

1) Scarlett's "I'll Worry About That Tomorrow" mantra in "Gone with the Wind"...

Why? When things get rough in my life, I often follow Scarlett's lead, deny anything is wrong and convince myself that I'll definitely deal with it tomorrow. That is, if it hasn't gone away on its own. (Note: This rarely works in my favor. Ever.)

Scarlett may have lost Rhett Butler, but she procrastinated and at the end, she has Tara, while I'm in a basement apartment with curtains that don't necessarily lend themselves to being taken out of the window and worn into town.

An attempt was made to make my curtains into a dress, but the result was... Yeah...

If you think it looks bad on here, imagine what it looked like on me! If your stomach can take the mental image, that is.

2) The dance audition at the beginning of "All That Jazz"...

Why? For all the times I've watched that scene and then actually attended a dance call! Where I stood in the front during the combination!

But when I'm cut, I always say what the two girls in the movie say right after they're cut from the audition...

First Dancer:
"Fuck him! He never picks me!"

Second Dancer:

"Honey, I DID fuck him, and he never picks me, either!"

3) My favorite Brenda Vaccaro moment (How often do you read THAT line?!?) in "Zorro, the Gay Blade"...

Why? This is the scene where Brenda screams, "Thank God for small favors!" in reference to her tits. It's hysterical. And I believed her. But in real life, physical "small favors" are...?

Well, they're hysterical, but more in the "laughing at you" way than the "laughing with you."

****

Thanks to Stephen for tagging me. Instead of tagging anyone, I'll leave it open for anyone to take up the challenge. Just let me know when you post your answers.

P.S. Yes, it's a stretch to call anything in "Zorro, the Gay Blade" a "classic movie moment," but I wanted to send my girl Brenda some love. Cut me some slack.

"Put the Doggie in the Bathtub"

2010-02-11T14:01:00.000-06:00

This is geinus.

Pure, absolute genius.

Megan Mullally finally answers the question of where a certain horrible phrase began.

You know the phrase...

"That's what SHE said."

Last week, I got Jan Hooks on "30 Rock." This week, Megan Mullally pops up on "Funny or Die." What's next?

Melanie Hutsell on Paula Deen's cooking show, "Best Dishes?"

No wait. That's been done.

That's What She Said from Megan Mullally

"Oh, the Weather Outside is Frightful..."

2010-02-10T10:51:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, as I walked through Chicago's snow storm, I kept hearing "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" over and over in my head.

As sung by Elaine Stritch.

And I haven't had any vodka in weeks!

Listen to it below and then help me figure out...

Is this a blessing or a curse?

Either way, it makes me an uber-gayrod. Or, as Johnny Weir would say, "FanTAStic!!!"

"We're Caught in a Trap, I Can't Walk Out..."

2010-02-07T17:23:00.002-06:00

Yesterday, I met Amy Matheny for a late brunch at Taste of Heaven.

I hadn't expected it, but the lovely, charming waiter had me at "Elvis Presley French Toast."

Yep, French Toast with peanut butter and bananas, topped with powdered sugar, syrup and bacon. Yes, bacon.

I was tempted to go back this morning in hopes that they would have the same special today, but I don't know if the zipper on my already straining jeans could have taken it.

"L Is For the Way You Look at Me..."

2010-02-07T10:35:00.002-06:00

Okay, I've wanted Channing Tatum to throw me down six ways to Sunday and treat me like the bitch I am ever since his tight-bodied self first started showing up in all things media related, but now...

Now, I'm kinda in love with him.

Watch his little video about all the romantic things he does for his wife.

And speaking of - - WIFE?!?

I didn't know he was married. To a woman!!! But now that I do, she should know one thing: Don't let Channing ("I've got abs that could grate cheese") Tatum talk publicly about how romantic he is. All that does is force home wreckers like me to try and steal your man. We don't want to, but now, you've given us no choice.

Come on, who DOESN'T want a hot, sweet, caring, romantic man with an ass hot enough to almost make "G.I. Joe" watchable? (Almost)

P.S. This past Halloween, I seriously thought about putting on a mock-G.I. Joe costume and adding a blonde wig, white opera gloves, diamonds everywhere and bright red lipstick so that I could be Carol Channing Tatum.

Yeah... I know...

"You'll Never Be Anything But a Common Frump!"

2010-02-06T17:07:00.000-06:00

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to Prospero from Caliban's Revenge. He emailed me a link to the Batman Comic Generator...

And now, I may never leave my apartment again.

Yes, this little site lets you write the dialogue for this comic book panel. And the second I saw it, I knew what I wanted to write.

Actually, I didn't write it, I just grabbed the quote from a famous movie scene. Sure, it's an obvious choice, but the thought of Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford playing Batman slapping Rutanya Alda playing Ann Blyth playing Robin was too faggy and fanboyish to pass up!

Hmmm...Maybe a little Baby Jane next...

Fratboy Friday

2010-02-05T15:48:00.000-06:00

BOYS IN CAPS

I don't know who wrote whatever that is on his stomach...

****

SAGGERS

I don't know why this guy owns those wings...

****

MOONERS

I have no idea what they're trying to spell...

****

DAMN, I WAS DRUNK LAST NIGHT

I have no idea what game they're playing

or what the rules are, but...

Count me in! For it all!!!

Happy Friday, everyone!

"Welcome to the Jungle"

2010-02-04T14:30:00.000-06:00

I'm not quite sure how I found my way there, but one of my favorite blogs these days is Comics Make No Sense, written by Adam Barnett. I HIGHLY recommend that you check it out.

"Highly" is the optimal word, because the comic panels that Adam posts are so bizarre and his writing is so hilarious, I always end up giggling and then horse-laughing as if I'd had a few tokes on the old "mowee-wowee."

And If Jungle Batman and Robin here aren't enough to convince you, go take a gander at Batman and the Joker's Boners.

I'm so not making that up. Batman's Boner. Ready for you to see.

If only it was Christian Bale...

"How Did This Happen, Babycakes?"

2010-02-04T10:30:00.001-06:00

For all those straight, white men who keep whining that they no longer hold any power in this country, the always brilliant Samantha Bee tells it like it is...

"Attention, Middle Aged Vagina Men!

"Sack the fuck up!

"Seriously, you're turning me into a lesbian!"

Also in this clip, Ms. Bee says what I think we've all been waiting to hear...

"So, we need to give our sons

permission to be puss-wads."

I never waited to get permission to be a puss-wad. I was a puss-wad when puss-wads weren't cool.

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My New Favorite Caption Contest #46

2010-02-03T20:56:00.001-06:00

This one was a toughie.

Of course, looking at the picture, "This one was a toughie" could possibly be a caption. Not at Caption Contest winner, but a caption nonetheless.

Choosing a winner was tough because there were SO MANY good captions to choose from. From Philip's "I miss the hell outta that dog," to Nick's possible twice-winning caption, "No one had the heart to tell grandpa it wasn't a real boy." But as I read over all the entries just now, one made me laugh, possibly a little too hard. And the caption / new song lyric that Philip wrote just won't go out of my head...

"Cuz I got one hand in ma pocket. /

And the other one is rubbing a wall schlong."

It just makes me giggle. A lot. I almost hope that Philip would re-write the rest of the lyrics to that song so that I could sing it. Somewhere.

Sure, singing the new lyrics to an audience of people who've never seen this picture would be like trying to understand all the inside jokes at your spouse's office Christmas party, but it would make me laugh. And quite frankly, if I laugh at my own jokes, I score that as a Win.

The picture I've chosen for the #46 Caption Contest is, in my opinion, hotter to look at, but somehow much more disturbing than a Wilford Brimley look-alike petting a gigantic, wall-mounted, wooden elephant cock...

Yeah... I got nothin'... Seriously, nothin'...

Captions are DEFINITELY needed.

"It's Not Easy Being Green"

2010-02-02T17:22:00.000-06:00

This...

Makes me happy!

Looks like it makes Kermit happy, too.

That look on his face says it all. He isn't just seeing Jesus, he's having lunch with him!

'Atta girl!

Thanks to Eric Reda for sending this to me.

Check out the original post on Buzzfeed here.

"There Won't Be Trumpets or Bolts of Fire to Say He's Coming"

2010-02-02T14:42:00.002-06:00

A little Super Tuesday shout out to Bryant, who became my very own, personal superhero this past weekend.

"Sometimes, there's
Diana of Themyscira so quickly..."

Seriously, many thanks to Bryant for his incredible kindness. It... no, He truly saved me.

And since Bryant and I were discussing the Batusi, this pic of an Adam West fanboy looking like a PC in a "I'm a Mac" commercial is for him.

As for the "Christian Bale Sucks" thing, I hesitate to say that he doesn't (duh!) , because I REALLY wish that he did.

P.S. Is it wrong that I want Christian carrying a chainsaw when I get my Bale-Job? While clips from "Newsies" play in the background?

True, if that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.

"He's Got You and Me, Brother..."

2010-01-28T13:00:00.001-06:00

I love it when Fail Blog comes deliciously close to XTube.

("...comes deliciously..." Funny...)

But I don't think this is a Fail at all. Looks like a Win to me. And a pretty big Win too.

Speaking of a big Win, check out that singlet. Sing it with me...

"He's got the whole world
in his hand..."

"I'm Wearing Them, And I Just Did"

2010-01-27T13:34:00.000-06:00

The iPad? Seriously. The iPad?!?

Sounds like Apple's solution for those heavy flow days when the iPhone just isn't enough.

Or Steve Jobs adding apps to "Oops, I Crapped My Pants."

Being a PC suddenly sounds much cooler, doesn't it?

"Talk About a Ball Dropping"

2010-01-26T16:59:00.004-06:00

I love me some John Roberts!

All of his characters, all of his videos, anything the man does, I love it.

Especially when he plays his mother.

Add Debbie Harry into the mix as John's / his mother's friend Fran, and it's like buttah. A bizarre, wackadoodle buttah that probably tastes like a bathroom floor tile at CBGB's, but buttah nonetheless.

And the fact that he uploaded this new video to YouTube on my birthday is like icing on the cake. And not just any icing.

Icing like the kind Philip made and covered on top of my birthday cake. A cake Philip baked for me. From a Paula Deen recipe.

Yeah, it's that good!

"That's a Nice Little Nothing You're Almost Wearing"

2010-01-26T14:22:00.001-06:00

To be absolutely honest...

When I heard that there was going to be a new version of the 80's television hair extravaganza, "V"...

I thought...

...no, I hoped...

..actually, I prayed... (sort of...)

...that the creative team would steer the new version of "V" in THIS direction. For obvious reasons.

Apparently, I thought the creative team consisted of Chi Chi LaRue, Sean Cody, and Rip Taylor.

With Mr. Bubble doing costumes.

"The Police Took Your Chicken? It Was Illegal Chicken?"

2010-01-25T16:54:00.002-06:00

I'm back in Chicago and I have an important message for all Southerners:

Pimento cheese is a hazardous material!

I'm not saying that pimento cheese is hazardous TO tighty-whities (in the Colon Blow way). I mean pimento cheese is hazardous LIKE tighty-whities.

Yes, the pimento cheese spread that my mother purchased at the Food Lion and then gave to me to take home (don't judge) is considered a "liquid or gel" by Homeland Security.

Pimento cheese + white bread =
lunch.

Pimento cheese + Stephen =
"Danger! Queen with a Spread! DANGER!"

Knoxville Airport Security confiscated my pimento cheese spread, y'all! I'm lucky I got through with Mama's fried chicken!

I'm sorry, but if redneck boys can no longer travel with pimento cheese, Mama's fried chicken, a couple of Moon Pies and an RC coca-cola, the terrorists win!