Thursday, February 25, 2010

"I Wanna Hold Your Hand"

Two new t-shirts from Threadless that I love. Sort of.

This first one is (supposedly) "The Luckiest T-Shirt Ever."

I can just hear the guy who made this saying? "Get it? Lucky. The shooting star. The horseshoe. Get it?"

"Yeah, yeah," I would reply. "You're slightly clever. What do you want? A fucking award? Will somebody get this guy a Clever Medallion, please."

Obviously, I don't LOVE the design of the t-shirt. I just want dude IN the t-shirt.

I want to hold his balls in my mouth. As a friend.

This second t-shirt is entitled "The Gaming Revolution."

But the color and the image just scream "Handball" to me. And not the Olympic sport, either.

Hmmm... I wonder if there's a fisting video game...

Wii Fisting.

Sounds like a secondary character in a Bond movie, doesn't it?

Monday, February 22, 2010

"I Don't Get It, But... Okay!"

Adam at Comics Make No Sense posted this panel today.

I've seen several bizarre, sexually disturbing, yet more-than-a-little titillating comic book panels featuring the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder, but this one is new to me.

New to the adult me, anyway. I'm sure I saw this panel when I was kid. It explains so much.

To all the guys who wondered why I brought them back to my place, turned down the lights and asked them to join me in "puncturing" a watermelon painted to look like a giant lemon, here you go.

This explains it. It all tracks back.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

"Lookie, Lookie, Here Comes Cookie Now"

I found it yesterday. I finally found it.

I was walking into the Jewel (the grocery store, not the singer), and there it was - - what so many of us search for, but so few of us find.

A Girl Scout. Selling actual boxes of Girl Scout Cookies!

And she had SEVERAL boxes of Thin Mints available for purchase!!!

Don't judge. Thin Mints (the Girl Scouts' obviously-named diet cookies) are exciting stuff for me. So exciting that I think I scared my neighborhood Girl Scout when, instead of "Hello," I started the conversation with a bombastic, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?!?"

Luckily, she was with her mother and her mother laughed and quickly positioned boxes of Thin Mints between the crazy, bald, gay man and her child.

I bought four boxes. And the second I got home, they went into my freezer. Right beside the vodka and the poppers.

My mama raised me right.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

"Hamlet Was the Prince of a Spot Called Denmark"

Have you ever thought to yourself...

"I wonder how the play 'Hamlet' would have been different if Ophelia had a sassy, gay friend."

Well, I have. Mainly because "Ophelia's Gay Friend Bobby" would be the role that I would play.

This is friggin' hysterical. So funny because it's SO true.

"Here She Is Boys! Here She Is World! Here's Rose!"

Gays do indeed have talent. And lots of it.

Sure, most gay talent can only be seen on XTube, but some of it can be displayed in public. In a bar! And not in the back room either!

Last year's "Gays Got Talent" was a blast. This year, I'll be one of the judges at the Spin. And you know what they say...

If you want to win, all you have to do is be nice to me.

And by "nice" I don't mean anything sexual. I mean, "bring me a cheeseburger with fries and a strawberry shake."

Ah, the 40's...

Come see me at Spin and buy me a drink. I'm much funnier when you and I are BOTH drunk.

"Can I Pet Your Pussy?"

Drunk Fan
"I'd love a little pussy."

"Dahling, so would I.
Mine's as big as a handbag."

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

"Batman, Dahling!"

"Daddy warned me about men and alcohol, but he never warned me about women and cocaine."

- Tallulah Bankhead

Monday, February 15, 2010

"Will You Get Your Knees Out of the Back of My Seat!"

This commercial exists in a place that I like to call "Gay Heaven."

Watch it and see why.

Snickers commercials have come a long way since the days of "Long about noon, when your appetite's pokin' at ya, pokin' at ya!"

Sunday, February 14, 2010

"Infinite Joy"

Polt from Polt's Palace definitely knows what to give the homo fanboy on Valentine's Day.

Not flowers, not candy.

Life may be like a box of chocolates, but Polt knows that, for me, lust is a flock of belly-shirted Robins.

Do you refer to a group of hot Robins as a flock or a gaggle? A pride?

Hell, call it whatever you want as long as I'm in the center of it. And either kneeling or horizontal. I'm easy. I'll go either way.

Thanks, Polt! You're the best!

"All of Life's Riddles Are Answered in the Movies"

The other devastatingly handsome blogger named Stephen (from Post Apocalyptic Bohemian) tagged me on a movie meme. The rules are...

“Share three classic movie moments that have, in some shape or form, made you buy things, do things, think things that perhaps you shouldn't have.”

So many to choose from, but here is a random sampling of three, in no particular order...

1) Scarlett's "I'll Worry About That Tomorrow" mantra in "Gone with the Wind"...

Why? When things get rough in my life, I often follow Scarlett's lead, deny anything is wrong and convince myself that I'll definitely deal with it tomorrow. That is, if it hasn't gone away on its own. (Note: This rarely works in my favor. Ever.)

Scarlett may have lost Rhett Butler, but she procrastinated and at the end, she has Tara, while I'm in a basement apartment with curtains that don't necessarily lend themselves to being taken out of the window and worn into town.

An attempt was made to make my curtains into a dress, but the result was... Yeah...

If you think it looks bad on here, imagine what it looked like on me! If your stomach can take the mental image, that is.

2) The dance audition at the beginning of "All That Jazz"...

Why? For all the times I've watched that scene and then actually attended a dance call! Where I stood in the front during the combination!

But when I'm cut, I always say what the two girls in the movie say right after they're cut from the audition...
First Dancer:
"Fuck him! He never picks me!"

Second Dancer:
"Honey, I DID fuck him, and he never picks me, either!"

3) My favorite Brenda Vaccaro moment (How often do you read THAT line?!?) in "Zorro, the Gay Blade"...

Why? This is the scene where Brenda screams, "Thank God for small favors!" in reference to her tits. It's hysterical. And I believed her. But in real life, physical "small favors" are...?

Well, they're hysterical, but more in the "laughing at you" way than the "laughing with you."


Thanks to Stephen for tagging me. Instead of tagging anyone, I'll leave it open for anyone to take up the challenge. Just let me know when you post your answers.

P.S. Yes, it's a stretch to call anything in "Zorro, the Gay Blade" a "classic movie moment," but I wanted to send my girl Brenda some love. Cut me some slack.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

"Put the Doggie in the Bathtub"

This is geinus.

Pure, absolute genius.

Megan Mullally finally answers the question of where a certain horrible phrase began.

You know the phrase...

"That's what SHE said."

Last week, I got Jan Hooks on "30 Rock." This week, Megan Mullally pops up on "Funny or Die." What's next?

Melanie Hutsell on Paula Deen's cooking show, "Best Dishes?"

No wait. That's been done.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

"Oh, the Weather Outside is Frightful..."

Yesterday, as I walked through Chicago's snow storm, I kept hearing "Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!" over and over in my head.

As sung by Elaine Stritch.

And I haven't had any vodka in weeks!

Listen to it below and then help me figure out...

Is this a blessing or a curse?

Either way, it makes me an uber-gayrod. Or, as Johnny Weir would say, "FanTAStic!!!"

Sunday, February 07, 2010

"We're Caught in a Trap, I Can't Walk Out..."

Yesterday, I met Amy Matheny for a late brunch at Taste of Heaven.

I hadn't expected it, but the lovely, charming waiter had me at "Elvis Presley French Toast."

Yep, French Toast with peanut butter and bananas, topped with powdered sugar, syrup and bacon. Yes, bacon.

I was tempted to go back this morning in hopes that they would have the same special today, but I don't know if the zipper on my already straining jeans could have taken it.

"L Is For the Way You Look at Me..."

Okay, I've wanted Channing Tatum to throw me down six ways to Sunday and treat me like the bitch I am ever since his tight-bodied self first started showing up in all things media related, but now...

Now, I'm kinda in love with him.

Watch his little video about all the romantic things he does for his wife.

And speaking of - - WIFE?!?

I didn't know he was married. To a woman!!! But now that I do, she should know one thing: Don't let Channing ("I've got abs that could grate cheese") Tatum talk publicly about how romantic he is. All that does is force home wreckers like me to try and steal your man. We don't want to, but now, you've given us no choice.

Come on, who DOESN'T want a hot, sweet, caring, romantic man with an ass hot enough to almost make "G.I. Joe" watchable? (Almost)

P.S. This past Halloween, I seriously thought about putting on a mock-G.I. Joe costume and adding a blonde wig, white opera gloves, diamonds everywhere and bright red lipstick so that I could be Carol Channing Tatum.

Yeah... I know...

Saturday, February 06, 2010

"You'll Never Be Anything But a Common Frump!"

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to Prospero from Caliban's Revenge. He emailed me a link to the Batman Comic Generator...

And now, I may never leave my apartment again.

Yes, this little site lets you write the dialogue for this comic book panel. And the second I saw it, I knew what I wanted to write.

Actually, I didn't write it, I just grabbed the quote from a famous movie scene. Sure, it's an obvious choice, but the thought of Faye Dunaway playing Joan Crawford playing Batman slapping Rutanya Alda playing Ann Blyth playing Robin was too faggy and fanboyish to pass up!

Hmmm...Maybe a little Baby Jane next...

Friday, February 05, 2010

Fratboy Friday


I don't know who wrote whatever that is on his stomach...



I don't know why this guy owns those wings...



I have no idea what they're trying to spell...



I have no idea what game they're playing
or what the rules are, but...

Count me in! For it all!!!

Happy Friday, everyone!

Thursday, February 04, 2010

"Welcome to the Jungle"

I'm not quite sure how I found my way there, but one of my favorite blogs these days is Comics Make No Sense, written by Adam Barnett. I HIGHLY recommend that you check it out.

"Highly" is the optimal word, because the comic panels that Adam posts are so bizarre and his writing is so hilarious, I always end up giggling and then horse-laughing as if I'd had a few tokes on the old "mowee-wowee."

And If Jungle Batman and Robin here aren't enough to convince you, go take a gander at Batman and the Joker's Boners.

I'm so not making that up. Batman's Boner. Ready for you to see.

If only it was Christian Bale...

"How Did This Happen, Babycakes?"

For all those straight, white men who keep whining that they no longer hold any power in this country, the always brilliant Samantha Bee tells it like it is...

"Attention, Middle Aged Vagina Men!

"Sack the fuck up!

"Seriously, you're turning me into a lesbian!"

Also in this clip, Ms. Bee says what I think we've all been waiting to hear...

"So, we need to give our sons
permission to be puss-wads."

I never waited to get permission to be a puss-wad. I was a puss-wad when puss-wads weren't cool.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Male Inequality
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorHealth Care Crisis

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

My New Favorite Caption Contest #46

This one was a toughie.

Of course, looking at the picture, "This one was a toughie" could possibly be a caption. Not at Caption Contest winner, but a caption nonetheless.

Choosing a winner was tough because there were SO MANY good captions to choose from. From Philip's "I miss the hell outta that dog," to Nick's possible twice-winning caption, "No one had the heart to tell grandpa it wasn't a real boy." But as I read over all the entries just now, one made me laugh, possibly a little too hard. And the caption / new song lyric that Philip wrote just won't go out of my head...

"Cuz I got one hand in ma pocket. /
And the other one is rubbing a wall schlong."

It just makes me giggle. A lot. I almost hope that Philip would re-write the rest of the lyrics to that song so that I could sing it. Somewhere.

Sure, singing the new lyrics to an audience of people who've never seen this picture would be like trying to understand all the inside jokes at your spouse's office Christmas party, but it would make me laugh. And quite frankly, if I laugh at my own jokes, I score that as a Win.

The picture I've chosen for the #46 Caption Contest is, in my opinion, hotter to look at, but somehow much more disturbing than a Wilford Brimley look-alike petting a gigantic, wall-mounted, wooden elephant cock...

Yeah... I got nothin'... Seriously, nothin'...

Captions are DEFINITELY needed.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

"It's Not Easy Being Green"


Makes me happy!

Looks like it makes Kermit happy, too.

That look on his face says it all. He isn't just seeing Jesus, he's having lunch with him!

'Atta girl!

Thanks to Eric Reda for sending this to me.

Check out the original post on Buzzfeed here.

"There Won't Be Trumpets or Bolts of Fire to Say He's Coming"

A little Super Tuesday shout out to Bryant, who became my very own, personal superhero this past weekend.
"Sometimes, there's
Diana of Themyscira so quickly..."

Seriously, many thanks to Bryant for his incredible kindness. It... no, He truly saved me.

And since Bryant and I were discussing the Batusi, this pic of an Adam West fanboy looking like a PC in a "I'm a Mac" commercial is for him.

As for the "Christian Bale Sucks" thing, I hesitate to say that he doesn't (duh!) , because I REALLY wish that he did.

P.S. Is it wrong that I want Christian carrying a chainsaw when I get my Bale-Job? While clips from "Newsies" play in the background?

True, if that's wrong, I don't wanna be right.